When Your Boyfriend Or Partner Has A Crush On Another Guy

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 4:27 AM GMT
    This past weekend my partner and I went to a club that one of our friends is promoting. There were some go go boys at the club and one of them was particularly friendly to the two of us and hung out with us quite a bit while we were there. I also had him give a lap dance to a friend that joined us at the club and he later danced with her and me for a while. Now, my partner was acting like a puppy dog over the dancer who happens to be drop dead gorgeous. I still am not sure if he is gay, bi, or straight, although my friend said he told her he is straight. After we left the club, I learned that both my partner and my friend had exchanged contact info with the dancer guy. My partner has since friended him on Facebook and they have exchanged some e-mails. I can tell he has a bit of a crush on the guy and I think it is kind of cute. I'm not jealous, probably because I don't think anything will come of it. It got me to wondering though, if your boyfriend of partner is clearly attracted to another guy, does it bother you or are you cool with it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 5:04 AM GMT
    sashaman said... My partner has since friended him on Facebook and they have exchanged some e-mails. I can tell he has a bit of a crush on the guy and I think it is kind of cute. I'm not jealous, probably because I don't think anything will come of it. It got me to wondering though, if your boyfriend of partner is clearly attracted to another guy, does it bother you or are you cool with it?


    What agreements do you and your bf have? And, how are you feeling? The fact that you're asking the community about this situation at the very least has you wondering whether or not this is "cool" with whatever agreements you two have, and also if your feelings are being violated.

    I guess that like you, I would be fine with it...for a while. For me, "a while" would probably be a few hours. Then, I would have a very matter of fact conversation with my boyfriend and say something like, "I feel sad when I watch/hear you being so infatuated with another person. I thought you were committed to me? But if you really want him, then go be happy. What are your thoughts?"

    Set your boundaries. Respect yourself. Always.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 5:13 AM GMT
    Actually, I feel fine with it. I don't know if cute is exactly the right word but it is the closest thing I can think of to describe how I feel about his crush. I've always thought that I would be the jealous type but I kind of like the fact that he is enthusiastic about how the dancer guy is all into Star Wars stuff and how he likes to check out his photos etc. If I thought the situation might actually turn into something sexual, I might feel differently but right now it doesn't bother me at all. I think that is the part that surprised me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 5:44 AM GMT
    sashaman saidActually, I feel fine with it. I don't know if cute is exactly the right word but it is the closest thing I can think of to describe how I feel about his crush. I've always thought that I would be the jealous type but I kind of like the fact that he is enthusiastic about how the dancer guy is all into Star Wars stuff and how he likes to check out his photos etc. If I thought the situation might actually turn into something sexual, I might feel differently but right now it doesn't bother me at all. I think that is the part that surprised me.


    For me, it's not the sexual part that would upset me. It is the emotional attachment and any indications of abandonment that would concern me.

    Hmmm. I just decided to modify my profile a bit. Thanks!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 6:01 AM GMT
    Maybe you and your BF should not hang out at clubs where lap-dances are given? Maybe it is just me? But isn't that the start of your problem? Not being judgemental, just looking on the facts you have given and the problems it has started. But, maybe if you do not go to clubs with lapdances, we could all avoid this problem? Just a thought.

    DonutBoy
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 6:09 AM GMT
    If you were not jealous you would not have posted. You would not even think about it. But you do. And he has. Accept it that he will do a dancer and move on. They weren't exchanging numbers to chat about sports. He will, or has, fucked the other guy. Accept it or move on.

    Sorry, I am not the Oprah guy on this site. I speak honestly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 6:13 AM GMT
    @ Donutboy - No worries. I was hoping to get some feedback. Honestly though, I seriously doubt anything has happened - other than an exchange of e-mails. I was more curious how other guys would feel about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 6:26 AM GMT
    Set satire = on

    "What did you say dear? That poor dancer boy was found dead and run through a meat grinder at the sausage factory? Oh my! That's the third one that you've friended that the exact same thing has happened to! Maybe you have a curse on you or something. Maybe for the boys' own good you should stop friending them? Good decision, dear. I wuv you vewy vewy much too, snookums!"

    Set satire = off
    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 7:00 AM GMT
    Honestly, Darin, it does sound quite harmless. I share your attitude. As long as nothing comes of it-it just seems to be a passing fancy for your guy, something new and exciting. If you don't make something big out of it, it isn't going to become something big. They will probably just drift away on their own.

    People in committed relationships are going to be drawn to other people in various forms. It is the remarkable relationship where there is enough trust that you can tolerate it. If he is being discrete but not secretive, what's the harm?

    With my partner it's not the men. He just LOVES women. He has a new crush almost every week. He takes a lot of teasing from me about it, all kindhearted, of course. His mother keeps introducing him to single ladies, she think I'm a passing phase. I really doubt he will disrespect me so much as to have sex with them. It even makes me a bit proud of him, that he comes home to me every night.

    But I can remember one time, it was quite recent. She was eating chips and spilled the bag somehow on his arm. Then she leaned awfully close to him and I had to say "Why are you breastfeeding him?" They all heard it and you could see it on everyone's face. She uttered a nervous "What?" I actually used my head and said "What are you bent on feeding him?" That period of nervous laughter followed, where we all pretended.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 12:52 PM GMT
    GAMRican saidSet satire = on

    "What did you say dear? That poor dancer boy was found dead and run through a meat grinder at the sausage factory? Oh my! That's the third one that you've friended that the exact same thing has happened to! Maybe you have a curse on you or something. Maybe for the boys' own good you should stop friending them? Good decision, dear. I wuv you vewy vewy much too, snookums!"

    Set satire = off
    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif


    LMAO!icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 12:55 PM GMT
    Means he's human and has testosterone ... chill.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 12:55 PM GMT
    carmineastoria saidHonestly, Darin, it does sound quite harmless. I share your attitude. As long as nothing comes of it-it just seems to be a passing fancy for your guy, something new and exciting. If you don't make something big out of it, it isn't going to become something big. They will probably just drift away on their own.

    People in committed relationships are going to be drawn to other people in various forms. It is the remarkable relationship where there is enough trust that you can tolerate it. If he is being discrete but not secretive, what's the harm?

    With my partner it's not the men. He just LOVES women. He has a new crush almost every week. He takes a lot of teasing from me about it, all kindhearted, of course. His mother keeps introducing him to single ladies, she think I'm a passing phase. I really doubt he will disrespect me so much as to have sex with them. It even makes me a bit proud of him, that he comes home to me every night.

    But I can remember one time, it was quite recent. She was eating chips and spilled the bag somehow on his arm. Then she leaned awfully close to him and I had to say "Why are you breastfeeding him?" They all heard it and you could see it on everyone's face. She uttered a nervous "What?" I actually used my head and said "What are you bent on feeding him?" That period of nervous laughter followed, where we all pretended.


    Thanks, Carmine. I think you articulated the way I feel about the situation better than I did. As long as it's limited to a little flirting, I don't mind that he's having some fun.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 2:43 PM GMT
    Neither of us care, because for each of us, no one can compare to our Parter-in-life.

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 2:48 PM GMT
    GAMRican saidSet satire = on

    "What did you say dear? That poor dancer boy was found dead and run through a meat grinder at the sausage factory? Oh my! That's the third one that you've friended that the exact same thing has happened to! Maybe you have a curse on you or something. Maybe for the boys' own good you should stop friending them? Good decision, dear. I wuv you vewy vewy much too, snookums!"

    Set satire = off
    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif


    LOL

    Clearly you smitten green with envy if all those 'coincidence' occurred just as a friendship was just about to occur. I hope you cleaned the evidence off and burned it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 2:54 PM GMT
    I honestly wouldnt be too concerned...like some others have said, hes a guy, he has testosterone...oh and eyes...but if you two trust each other than there should be no worries.

    My boyfriend is a bartender for the most popular gay club around where we live; he gets phone numbers, flirted with, etc etc.... it just doesnt phase me. He has made friends with a lot of his bar customers via facebook, and they all know I exist. You know, since he has started working there, I dont even go anymore. Youd think it would be the opposite, some guys sit at that bar from the time their man's shift starts until the bar closes....I see that as fucking with his business. Hes a bartender, part of that means being a flirt....doesnt mean I have to get all worked up about it, become some jealous little brat, and make sure my hawk eyes never leave him just in case someone tries to make the wrong move. Wheres that gonna get me? nowhere. I trust my boyfriend, and yes I have seen these tiny 'crushes' form with some of his customers, but I also know, its nothing more than that. In our case, sometimes its just nice to know that others find you desirable (outside of your man of 7 years telling you everyday).

    So dont worry or read too much into it, until you know you need to read too much into it...you know what I mean?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 2:54 PM GMT
    Brit_Bloke saidMeans he's human and has testosterone ... chill.


    Yup, even while I was in love with one guy Id still get crushes on others... its not the same thing... you get crushes your whole life, its human
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 2:57 PM GMT
    lol we don't call 'em crushes, amar, because really it's being 'in like' with someone, at least, for us.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 3:01 PM GMT
    meninlove said lol we don't call 'em crushes, amar, because really it's being 'in like' with someone, at least, for us.


    True, its anslight infatuation icon_smile.gif But they do give me the butterflies, whereas being n love is just sort of all-encompassing and deeply peaceful, like its part of every cell in the body, and takes excruciatingly torturous years to get over... an "in-like" can be over soon, like could only take a few days or so, and its never torturous, just mildly disappointing
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 07, 2010 3:04 PM GMT
    We are honest with each other on this in our relationship. We've both had crushes on others and we admitted it. And sometimes we brought that third in to play once or twice.

    Honesty is best. Having a crush on someone isn't a dealbreaker. It's fucking human nature.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 07, 2010 3:06 PM GMT
    I think you need to afford some patience. My partner knows all about RJ here, knows I chat with quite a lot of guys (albeit, no "crushes"). Some guys wouldn't be comfortable with even that.

    The "line" will come if you become aware he has been seeing the dancer, even if in public. I'd say, "it time we have a talk" and you can discuss what sort of friendship he has with the guy. It may be all innocent. Just be aware.
  • TristanLane

    Posts: 118

    Aug 08, 2010 2:49 PM GMT
    Be careful. Sometimes being that confident can come back and bite you. You don't want him to get an emotional attachment to him. It will go from him being cute to him being cute with the stripper!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 08, 2010 3:50 PM GMT
    sashaman said... if your boyfriend of partner is clearly attracted to another guy, does it bother you or are you cool with it?
    If the feeling is mutual, it's a good excuse for a 3way. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 08, 2010 4:02 PM GMT
    sashaman saidThis past weekend my partner and I went to a club that one of our friends is promoting. There were some go go boys at the club and one of them was particularly friendly to the two of us and hung out with us quite a bit while we were there. I also had him give a lap dance to a friend that joined us at the club and he later danced with her and me for a while. Now, my partner was acting like a puppy dog over the dancer who happens to be drop dead gorgeous. I still am not sure if he is gay, bi, or straight, although my friend said he told her he is straight. After we left the club, I learned that both my partner and my friend had exchanged contact info with the dancer guy. My partner has since friended him on Facebook and they have exchanged some e-mails. I can tell he has a bit of a crush on the guy and I think it is kind of cute. I'm not jealous, probably because I don't think anything will come of it. It got me to wondering though, if your boyfriend of partner is clearly attracted to another guy, does it bother you or are you cool with it?


    I dont know how that couldnt bother you? I know Im definently the jealous type, not to say Im psycho about it but If it came off as flirtingI wouldnt be so much pissed as I would be hurt. But I would have faith in my bf because otherwise it wouldnt speak much of me, but most def my paranoia would be on the prowl.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 08, 2010 7:58 PM GMT
    It got me to wondering though, if your boyfriend of partner is clearly attracted to another guy, does it bother you or are you cool with it?

    Make him my "EX" Boyfriend icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Aug 08, 2010 8:30 PM GMT
    As long as it didn't lead into anything sexual, I'd think it were kind of cute, too. It wouldn't be any different if he were to have met a really ugly person (that he happened to befriend) and was excited that they shared a lot of common interests, as friends. Just so happens this friend is an incredibly attractive, naturally sexual person.

    I think I would be mindful of the potential danger it has. But I'm the kind of guy that can still enjoy the excitement of my partner. If you see it bloom into a good friendship, and still trust in your boyfriends loyalty, then what's there to be jealous of?