Depressed, hopeless, feel like giving up!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 07, 2010 7:49 AM GMT
    I have lost everything in my life and when I say everything I mean everything! I have lost things from my house to things I don't even want to mention. IT'S NOT FAIR! Why me?! I have been a self-mutilator since I was 15. And have done things from cutting, hitting, biting, etc. Why am I so stupid?! I don't do it as much anymore. I have also attempted suicide in the past. But I really feel ugly and unattractive and that's why I don't have a photo. I was also in a very homophobic church for years but finally left. I tried to please them and fit in because I'm stupid! They used to make fun of homosexuals a lot and I would try to confront them about it but they never wanted to accept their fault. But there was my fault for being there and letting this also add to my stuff. I feel like everything is all my fault!!! I feel like I'm the worst and most evil person I have ever met! I have even done devil-worshipping in the past!! I hate myself!! That's how f**king bad I am!! Of course I don't do it now but still. I am so f**king tired of being nice to people, trying to please them, and yet still being treated like dirt! I don't even feel like I fit in with the gay community anymore and that makes me really sad!! I feel like I will never find a guy!! I feel like no guy will look at me!! I just can't believe I'm writing all this and especially this much! I didn't want to do it but I felt I needed to vent. I feel different than everyone and like nobody is like me! I also bet I'm going to get a bunch of ugly responses too! I don't even want to know the responses unless they're good and helpful. I don't think anyone is going to care anyway. I don't think I was good enough for this site either. I also don't even work out anymore because of certain physical problems I have. Haven't for years and I don't like not doing it. That's how stupid I am again! I feel my life is over and there is nothing else to look forward to! Sorry I know my paragraph sounds sorta choppy and mixed up. Sorry to dump my drama on yall. Once again I can't believe I wrote all this. Sorry I just needed to vent.
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    Aug 07, 2010 7:54 AM GMT
    It's good you vented.

    Here's a thread that might help you: http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/944832

    Hang in there. I've feel like giving up before, and I hung tough. I've had some amazingly great things happen since then that I would have missed if I had chosen a permanent solution to what have ended up being (in hindsight) temporary problems.

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan
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    Aug 07, 2010 2:16 PM GMT
    Hi

    I feel for you. Life is full of ups and downs and when you are stuck in a down swing, things definitely suck.

    I guess I can only say to take solace in the fact that nothing is permanent. Downswings eventually turn into upswings. It just takes a lot of patience and perseverance waiting sometimes.

    From your post, it looks like you have a keen perspective on all the things happening around you. This is a good thing. Identifying the things that are problematic is already a huge important step in the right direction.

    A buddy of mine once said,

    "There are no problems...only solutions."

    That kind of stuck with me.

    I figure you will find all the solutions you need as well.

    Here is also something I keep with me:

    TWO WOLVES

    One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

    He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

    "One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

    "The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

    The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

    The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."


    .......................................................

    So, hang tough. This too will pass.
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    Aug 07, 2010 2:26 PM GMT
    never2ndbest said

    TWO WOLVES

    One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

    He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

    "One is Evil - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

    "The other is Good - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

    The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

    The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."


    .


    Wow, the wisdom of the American peoples never ceases to amaze... I'm not surprised they looked at the European invaders as dishonourable and dishonest barbarians.... icon_sad.gif Sorry to say

    You got anymore of these? Id love t have them

    To the OP: I'm very well aware of this feeling of complete hopelessness... I know for a fact theres nothing I can say to make you feel better.... All I can say is I'll be here if you want to just talk... My friends jsut listenng helped me through it really well... I still have thoughts of suicide pop up now and then... like it used to be I would see a pigeon hit by a car and die and Id be like "I wish that were me" lol.... I laugh at how I feel now, just having to go through each day and being tired of dealing with , and feeling like you're doing it for nothing, your life feels completely useless (that last one I still feel) but I chose to go on regardless, not wanting to inflict the heavy lifelong burden onto my family and friends of having to deal with my death.. they will feel guilty and will be in grief for a year... its bad enough we have to live with depression, but at least that way I wont have to give it to them or any of the people in my life
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    Aug 07, 2010 3:51 PM GMT
    I have nothing profound to say. But know things can get better, and they do for many people. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Peace
  • Geoedward

    Posts: 657

    Aug 07, 2010 4:36 PM GMT
    cajun,
    As the guys have said, it will get better. I know that there are times that nothing seems to work and you feel you don't fit in anywhere. I have been there. When I was younger I felt like no one understood me. I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere or with anyone. I hated myself, the way I looked, that I was fat and ugly. I thought there will never be someone for me. I joined a religious cult thinking they cold change me. They only made it worse. I tried suicide 3 times. Two of the times I should not have made it. You know what, I am glad I did and I feel there was a reason I did. I began to realize that there were better things out there for me. I decided that I was going to make my own way in this world and I didn't need anyone to do this. It was time for me to let go of the negative people and things in my life. It's not easy because there are so many road blocks along the way. Don't let them stop you instead let them make you stronger. It starts with one step at a time. Today I have an awesome life. There will be things that come along that will disrupt it but it won't defeat me. You sound very depressed and depression is disabling. Try to find a good counselor. Mine has helped me. I still see her when I need to. Depression doesn't go away bit there are ways of controlling it. Don't give up buddy. Life has so much to offer you. Let it in. icon_biggrin.gif

  • KepaArg

    Posts: 1721

    Aug 07, 2010 8:59 PM GMT
    sorry to hear! I had a traumatic experience happen to me earlier this year! I felt suicidal myself, but talking to a shrink helped me. It took sometime, and even though i have eventually moved beyond those thoughts and back to enjoying life- i still suffer from anxiety due to what happened and at the end of the day talking to someone to get everything inside out, self reflecting, and for me positive thinking helped me to move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 08, 2010 2:02 AM GMT
    Thanks for your support! There is still so much I didn't mention. It's deep.
  • yankeesblazer...

    Posts: 243

    Aug 08, 2010 3:37 AM GMT
    cajunathlete16 saidI have lost everything in my life and when I say everything I mean everything! I have lost things from my house to things I don't even want to mention. IT'S NOT FAIR! Why me?! I have been a self-mutilator since I was 15. And have done things from cutting, hitting, biting, etc. Why am I so stupid?! I don't do it as much anymore. I have also attempted suicide in the past. But I really feel ugly and unattractive and that's why I don't have a photo. I was also in a very homophobic church for years but finally left. I tried to please them and fit in because I'm stupid! They used to make fun of homosexuals a lot and I would try to confront them about it but they never wanted to accept their fault. But there was my fault for being there and letting this also add to my stuff. I feel like everything is all my fault!!! I feel like I'm the worst and most evil person I have ever met! I have even done devil-worshipping in the past!! I hate myself!! That's how f**king bad I am!! Of course I don't do it now but still. I am so f**king tired of being nice to people, trying to please them, and yet still being treated like dirt! I don't even feel like I fit in with the gay community anymore and that makes me really sad!! I feel like I will never find a guy!! I feel like no guy will look at me!! I just can't believe I'm writing all this and especially this much! I didn't want to do it but I felt I needed to vent. I feel different than everyone and like nobody is like me! I also bet I'm going to get a bunch of ugly responses too! I don't even want to know the responses unless they're good and helpful. I don't think anyone is going to care anyway. I don't think I was good enough for this site either. I also don't even work out anymore because of certain physical problems I have. Haven't for years and I don't like not doing it. That's how stupid I am again! I feel my life is over and there is nothing else to look forward to! Sorry I know my paragraph sounds sorta choppy and mixed up. Sorry to dump my drama on yall. Once again I can't believe I wrote all this. Sorry I just needed to vent.


    Please don't give up!!! There are SO many great things out in this world for you, and there are SO many people with the capacity to love and care for you, even if you feel like that is an insane statement for me to make now.

    If you need somebody to talk with/vent to/just yell at, let me be that person. Nobody deserves to go through life dealing with what you have. Please, no matter what you do, don't give in and don't give up! There are so many of us I am sure that are on this site/in the world at large who would feel honored to call you a friend.

    I am totally here for you if you want, don't be shy.
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    Aug 08, 2010 3:42 AM GMT
    Don't do anything drastic. I've been where your at and trust me it's not worth the risk. I've done the whole thing with the church, contemplated selling my soul to the Devil, hated my existence, prayed to God why things are the way they are, and countless other things that I sure could fill a list.

    If anyone knows what it's like to be in your shoes it's me. If you need someone to talk to send me a msg. PLEASE DON'T UNDERVALUE YOUR LIFE!!!!
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    Aug 08, 2010 4:06 AM GMT
    you're in my prayers...don't give up!
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    Aug 08, 2010 4:18 AM GMT
    cajunathlete16 saidI have lost everything in my life and when I say everything I mean everything! I have lost things from my house to things I don't even want to mention. IT'S NOT FAIR! Why me?! I have been a self-mutilator since I was 15. And have done things from cutting, hitting, biting, etc. Why am I so stupid?! I don't do it as much anymore. I have also attempted suicide in the past. But I really feel ugly and unattractive and that's why I don't have a photo. I was also in a very homophobic church for years but finally left. I tried to please them and fit in because I'm stupid! They used to make fun of homosexuals a lot and I would try to confront them about it but they never wanted to accept their fault. But there was my fault for being there and letting this also add to my stuff. I feel like everything is all my fault!!! I feel like I'm the worst and most evil person I have ever met! I have even done devil-worshipping in the past!! I hate myself!! That's how f**king bad I am!! Of course I don't do it now but still. I am so f**king tired of being nice to people, trying to please them, and yet still being treated like dirt! I don't even feel like I fit in with the gay community anymore and that makes me really sad!! I feel like I will never find a guy!! I feel like no guy will look at me!! I just can't believe I'm writing all this and especially this much! I didn't want to do it but I felt I needed to vent. I feel different than everyone and like nobody is like me! I also bet I'm going to get a bunch of ugly responses too! I don't even want to know the responses unless they're good and helpful. I don't think anyone is going to care anyway. I don't think I was good enough for this site either. I also don't even work out anymore because of certain physical problems I have. Haven't for years and I don't like not doing it. That's how stupid I am again! I feel my life is over and there is nothing else to look forward to! Sorry I know my paragraph sounds sorta choppy and mixed up. Sorry to dump my drama on yall. Once again I can't believe I wrote all this. Sorry I just needed to vent.


    It sounds like you're trying to convey something to us?

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    Aug 08, 2010 5:22 AM GMT
    Yall are so awesome!!icon_biggrin.gif Thank you so muchicon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 08, 2010 6:22 AM GMT
    icon_biggrin.gif
    yankeesblazerscowboys said
    cajunathlete16 saidI have lost everything in my life and when I say everything I mean everything! I have lost things from my house to things I don't even want to mention. IT'S NOT FAIR! Why me?! I have been a self-mutilator since I was 15. And have done things from cutting, hitting, biting, etc. Why am I so stupid?! I don't do it as much anymore. I have also attempted suicide in the past. But I really feel ugly and unattractive and that's why I don't have a photo. I was also in a very homophobic church for years but finally left. I tried to please them and fit in because I'm stupid! They used to make fun of homosexuals a lot and I would try to confront them about it but they never wanted to accept their fault. But there was my fault for being there and letting this also add to my stuff. I feel like everything is all my fault!!! I feel like I'm the worst and most evil person I have ever met! I have even done devil-worshipping in the past!! I hate myself!! That's how f**king bad I am!! Of course I don't do it now but still. I am so f**king tired of being nice to people, trying to please them, and yet still being treated like dirt! I don't even feel like I fit in with the gay community anymore and that makes me really sad!! I feel like I will never find a guy!! I feel like no guy will look at me!! I just can't believe I'm writing all this and especially this much! I didn't want to do it but I felt I needed to vent. I feel different than everyone and like nobody is like me! I also bet I'm going to get a bunch of ugly responses too! I don't even want to know the responses unless they're good and helpful. I don't think anyone is going to care anyway. I don't think I was good enough for this site either. I also don't even work out anymore because of certain physical problems I have. Haven't for years and I don't like not doing it. That's how stupid I am again! I feel my life is over and there is nothing else to look forward to! Sorry I know my paragraph sounds sorta choppy and mixed up. Sorry to dump my drama on yall. Once again I can't believe I wrote all this. Sorry I just needed to vent.


    Please don't give up!!! There are SO many great things out in this world for you, and there are SO many people with the capacity to love and care for you, even if you feel like that is an insane statement for me to make now.

    If you need somebody to talk with/vent to/just yell at, let me be that person. Nobody deserves to go through life dealing with what you have. Please, no matter what you do, don't give in and don't give up! There are so many of us I am sure that are on this site/in the world at large who would feel honored to call you a friend.

    I am totally here for you if you want, don't be shy.
    Thanks! It's just that so much has been taken from me. Things that I don't even want to say. But you really make me feel better! Thank you very much!!
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    Aug 08, 2010 8:05 AM GMT
    Still anymore comforting support would be greatly appreciated.
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    Aug 08, 2010 8:26 AM GMT
    Howizt mate, from Cape Town at the tip of Africa. Listen, I sometimes lay awake before I go to sleep and wonder, I have worked so hard all my life and have nothing to show for it. Then I remember all I have overcome, achieved, done, the places I have been, the people I have met and all this has given me experience to deal with the demons that bubble up to the surface. Being alone is very hard and its when were alone that were at our most vulnerable.

    Sometimes I think is there not much point living further and think of ending it all. But there is so much more to live for and achieve and it is not fair on those I leave behind.

    As to being unattractive. I'm not exactly a model, but I have a photo up. Don't judge yourself so harshly. We are bombarded with images of cute buff guys with perfect features (thanks to Photoshop) and we, for some reason, think we have to live up to that. It's bullshit. Your perfect just the way you are icon_exclaim.gif

    I have both Aspergus Syndrome and Attention Def. Disorder, but I have learnt to live with it and life can be very tricky at the best of times, but I live on. People dont understand me and misunderstand me, but I live on. I walk funny, but I live on.





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    Aug 09, 2010 12:38 AM GMT
    I've already talked with you via private message about this.
    Hang in there and work your way out. It can be done. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 12, 2010 3:36 PM GMT
    cajunathlete16 saidI don't really have anything to look forward to.



    The things you look forward to are not granted. They don't just happen. You pave your own road, which means that YOU create the things you will look forward to. Separate yourself from the things and people that bring you down, and get closer to the things that can make you happy.

    It may not seem like it at times, but only you are in control of your life. For the things you can't control, you have no choice but to shrug them off. Accept this.

    I highly recommend this book:

    Don-t-Sweat-the-Small-Stuff-and-It-s-All

    It can give you amazing perspective and, to me, it sounds like that's what you're missing.

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    Aug 12, 2010 3:37 PM GMT
    Do you have a close friend you can talk to? Someone to confide in? Someone to listen? Someone who won't judge? Someone to help you put things into perspective? Someone to be there for you?

    Sounds like to me that's what you need.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Aug 12, 2010 3:45 PM GMT
    cajunathlete16 saidI don't really have anything to look forward to.


    Sure you do...It's called the adventure of YOUR life...Stick around and see for yourself.
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    Aug 12, 2010 4:03 PM GMT
    Perhaps it's time you work on making you happy.

    It's easy to say "Don't worry about what others think," but it's not easy to do. It's a process that many/most of us from unfriendly backgrounds have to go through. Some people have to make a drastic move. Others go to therapy. More rebel in a variety of ways and engage in even more difficult struggles (addiction, crime, etc.) in order to supplement the emotional lack.

    So I've no advice to you, only encouragement that you should tackle the struggle and remember to always find your value in yourself and not from the assessments of others.
  • cromi

    Posts: 489

    Aug 12, 2010 4:24 PM GMT
    okay! here is a situation:

    if im in a laboratory and you're with me.
    it means i'm in LAB with you icon_smile.gificon_smile.gif.

    did i see some smile on your face, huh? icon_smile.gif
    see, im willing to be pathetically cheesy just to make you happy.
    dont ever think you are alone in this, hang in there. i'll pray for you icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 12, 2010 4:26 PM GMT

    The Movie Lion in Winter had Katherine Hepburn and Peter O'toole Play Eleanor of Aquitaine and King Henry II. A great scene in the basement of the Castle between the two as Henry had Eleanor locked up in a tower because they were estranged.

    She was in despair as she had lost everything and as she sunk to the floor with Henry holding her she said " I've lost everything as I have lost you" " I want to Die " weeping to the floor.

    Henry holding her tightly said " You know you will just LIVE long enough"

    I have always put the emphasis on LIVE!

    As CuriousjockAZ said stick around for the adventure until as we all do get to our end!
  • JockChefJim

    Posts: 373

    Aug 12, 2010 4:45 PM GMT
    I been there....many times in my life and I won't kid myself by thinking I will not be there again at some point. Life isn't always easy and fun. We are all thrown many obstacles in our lives and many people many times don't see any other way out but to just end....not becauyse we want to die but because we're tired and see no other option......but we all have options....maybe not many and maybe not great ones but anything is better than taking your own life. Whether you realize it our not, there are people who love and need you in thier lives now. Look at the response you are getting on here. though I have not read them all, not one that I have has been anything words of inspiration.....and this is all from strangers. So please....from a guy who has been there recently.....don't give up. There is a world of help out there......Find the strength and go get it.

    Jim
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    Aug 12, 2010 4:51 PM GMT
    Ugh, I just wrote a massive response, at it got deleted! This might be more brief, because I'm at work, but...

    You will pull through if you want to. Also, I personally give you permission NOT to think of yourself at stupid. As others have said, you obviously are not! You have recognized the areas of your life that need some major work, and that is no easy feat.

    I do suggest seeing a therapist if you can to help this stuff get worked out. It seems as though you have been surrounded by people who have treated you in a loving way, and it has taken a toll. I think one of the first steps would be to recognize and accept for what they were the parts of your life that made you feel this way. You cannot change the past, but you CAN move forward and make the future whatever you want it to be. One trick I learned at age 19 was to envision myself exactly as I would like to be and work toward making that vision a reality in everything I do, everyday. It can be tiring, and I'm not always successful, but having an ideal to work toward often gives me a sense of purpose. Maybe it would for you too!

    Also, perhaps sometime you would also want to focus your energies on helping someone else...either by volunteering, buying a hungry person lunch, or by somehow making a positive impact on another person's life. It's my opinion life is all about learning to love (both ourselves and others), so any small bit of it helps!

    Perhaps a good first step would be putting a photo up of yourself! You are unique, so own it!! I for one would accept you as you are, and I know all the other guys posting on this thread would as well.

    All my best to you...you will make it past this!