Is it me?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2010 10:27 AM GMT
    Hi everybody,

    This is my first post in this forum, so I hope I'll get some views on this topic...

    I have been with my bf for the past 4 years (almost) and some of his actions are actually creating tensions, which I have more and more difficulties in dealing with!

    He is still in the closet and he is not out to anyone, be it at work or to his family... to the exception of 2 or 3 guys at work who discovered he was gay.

    Now, for business purposes, he travels... he is actually on the west coast in the US and has been for the past week. In LA, where he stayed for a week, he contacted me (via phone and texts) about 2 or 3 times a day. Now he is on holidays in San Francisco with his brother, sister-in-law and the two kids and all I receive is one text a day... no phone call...

    When in the UK (where we are), he visits his parents on a regular basis. Goes there everyday, after work, as he works about 2 miles away from their home and spends every weekend there (from Friday afternoon, after work, until Sunday evening, when he returns home)...

    Now, He is 34 yo and I am 41... I am getting really annoyed with such behaviour as he knows that I am very much attached to him and he is to me (I actually do believe that for a number of reasons).

    I understand that being in the closet, he wants and 'needs' to remain discreet... but his parents know he is gay, as mention has been made not so long ago... but he is not overtly... or at least he has not informed them personally!

    Now, I wonder if he is behaving 'normally' for someone who is not out to his family, or is it me being overpowering, over-reactive and possessive?

    Thanks for your input...



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2010 3:23 PM GMT
    Hey, I'd guess he's being rather normal. Family is important to him, and where I see his being closeted a problem is that if he wasn't in the closet he'd likely have you with him when he's with his family.

    Why is he in the closet? Do you know?

    -Doug
  • Daniepwils

    Posts: 151

    Aug 09, 2010 3:41 PM GMT
    I am in the same situation. However my guy is slowing coming out (not by choice most of the time). You have to give him time, the last thing you want to do is push him to come out, if anything bad happens he will blame you. That being said, a little nudge here and there won't hurt.

    It is tough, I won't lie. I feel like I am only involved in half of his life. (I will say that I hope that we never break up, but if we do, I will probably not ever be involved with a closeted man again).

    4 years... I hope that it won't be that long for us. Almost a year now, and I break down every now and again when he is home with his son doing suburbia things and I am at home in the city thinking of him icon_sad.gif

    We talk probably 6-10 times a day and text throughout the day which seems to help. And we see each other everyday except Sunday's usually.
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    Aug 09, 2010 9:36 PM GMT
    meninlove said Hey, I'd guess he's being rather normal. Family is important to him, and where I see his being closeted a problem is that if he wasn't in the closet he'd likely have you with him when he's with his family.

    Why is he in the closet? Do you know?

    -Doug


    Hi Doug, and thanks for your input.

    Well, his dad was in the army at one point and his views on homosexuality have marked my bf... He is worried that he would lose them for deceiving them... That is something we discussed at long length and I reminded him that, not so long ago, when his brother got married, one of the family friends enquired about his celibacy, to which another friend of the family replied that he could be with a girl or a guy as long as he is happy!... his mother heard that and agreed... they know he's gay...

    He is most certainly worried about the fact that by letting it out in the open, he would deceive them...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2010 9:39 PM GMT
    Daniepwils saidI am in the same situation. However my guy is slowing coming out (not by choice most of the time). You have to give him time, the last thing you want to do is push him to come out, if anything bad happens he will blame you. That being said, a little nudge here and there won't hurt.

    It is tough, I won't lie. I feel like I am only involved in half of his life. (I will say that I hope that we never break up, but if we do, I will probably not ever be involved with a closeted man again).

    4 years... I hope that it won't be that long for us. Almost a year now, and I break down every now and again when he is home with his son doing suburbia things and I am at home in the city thinking of him icon_sad.gif

    We talk probably 6-10 times a day and text throughout the day which seems to help. And we see each other everyday except Sunday's usually.


    That is exactly what I feel too... I am only part of half of his life... I am a perfect stranger in the other half...

    It is hard... certainly when he spends time abroad, with his brother and co., and I only receive a message a day (if that!) and no calls...

    I love him so much... I do not think I fell so deeply in love with someone before and being cut off from half of his life is extremely frustrating...