This is central to the idea of why gay people aren't able to unite and demonstrate on a national level (a March on Washington, etc). We have no platform that includes critical issues that affect each and every gay person (marriage is not one of those issues - it is for someone who is in a relationship headed for marriage or who wants that). The selfishness of the community has become one where we are fighting for our own personal issues rather than looking at other gay and lesbian citizens and really watching out for each other with empathy, compassion and concern. I'm not of an age where I can remember a time like that, but I know gay men and women who did stick together and work together to fight so we could be treated like human beings rather than sick, mentally ill perverts that a lot of people made us out to be. We forget this. No matter how much we try to one-up each other, no matter how much we belittle and emasculate other gay men, on some level we are all in the same boat. But because we are still on the lowest end of the totem pole, the only people we are allowed to tear apart are other gay men. So that's who we go after. We're too scared to go after the real people who made our lives as complicated as they are today (possibly our parents, siblings, straight society, other gays). That's too much work. And we can't do that from whatever gay friendly, comfy big city we live in. It means going to a small town where you're the only gay person for a 100 mile radius.
And that's our problem when it comes to false illusions. We put on this image of community and unity when it's nothing more than geographical convenience. For the most part the only thing we have in common is that we are attracted to the same sex - and that's where it ends. Yet there are still too few of us to realistically pair us up to make a lot of perfect matches and potential relationships. Racial minorities in the past may have stayed together or helped each other out because there were often children involved, and there were low paying jobs that required long hours because higher (or any) education was denied to these communities. That is not what gay people face today. If anything we have too much money and too much education, to the extent where we can afford to isolate from other gay people, giving the implication that 'I'm too good to be seen around these people' or 'I'll only go to a gay event or function only if I know in advance who is going to be there and what they look like'. That SMACKS of 'me, me, me, right now, right now, right now.' We can't seem to let go of that rich-bitch 15 year old girl who lives inside of us and grow the fuck up. But we can't have kids (realistically). Most of us are not finding relationships after years of trying. Why should we grow up? Where is the incentive? If nobody is pushing us to do anything positive, and if isolate ourselves from one another long enough, who cares? That's what we face. The internet was supposed to bring gay people together in a society where that had been denied from us for many, many years. Instead it has become a new way of refusing to ever come out, and stay in a closet that includes a computer screen and a view into a world that the person wants no part of in real life. We have probably hundreds of thousands of men in 2010 who, 15 years ago, would have had to come out - because there was no alternative. Now they can feel it out online first, look at what's waiting for them after coming out, and say to themselves 'no fucking way' - these are, unfortunately, the men who blow their brains out or are found hanging in the garage by someone who either had no idea or knew that this was bound to happen, but was afraid to say anything.
I don't want to go so far as to say that gay men are unfeeling, selfish people who have a borderline personality disorder, but we really need to get our shit together when it comes to how we treat each other. You have no idea who is on the other end of that computer. You might be the last person they talk to before they finally decide 'I can't live another day, there's no way out of this, I'm done'. We can't ignore the problems around us anymore. All we can do is what is in our power and in our community. Be someone that you would be proud of.