Privacy in a relationship...


  • Aug 09, 2010 8:27 PM GMT
    Okay, so here is my situation in a nut shell. I am 22 and still live at home, however I go to school full time, and am about 2 years from graduating. I met a guy earlier this year, and he is 18, soon to be 19. I liked dating him, he is a great guy, the problem is he just kinda came to stay for the weekend and has never left, at all. He has lived here for 4 months, but I feel like I get no privacy.
    I grew up with brothers, and they always went through my things, computer, journals, photos, clothes, and etc. Same thing for my parents, and I like to keep things to myself. I like to have things that only I know about/understand/enjoy, I guess me time and me things...
    I cannot even read a book without him leaning up all over me, or resting his head on my shoulder when I am on the computer. I get this annoying feeling, as if he is a peeping tom or something. I have nothing to hide, I just feel like PEOPLE including him are always around me.
    There is nothing in my computer or iPhone, but I password protect them to keep people out, and he knows them... It is annoying, he texts me 20 times a day, he is always around.
    I like the Russian language and culture, so I studied it for 2 years. Recently I found someone who is a fluent speaker of the language, and I have been going to see them 1-2 times a week for a few hours. This is one of the few things I truly have for myself, and I want to keep it that way.
    I guess I just need some advice, I want to date him, but I do not want him living with me and my family. He tells my parents things, I get bitched out, it is annoying. I want to sleep in my own bed again, I want to go out even to class without getting text messages 24/7, I want to spend the night out again in Atlanta with friends without him freaking out. I cannot even go to the gym without him walking me to my car... Advice please
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    Aug 09, 2010 9:01 PM GMT
    "Baby, I like you very much and value the time we spend together. Like, remember the time we skinny dipped in the lake? That was so much fun. But, I also need a little time to myself from time to time. We should schedule time to do things together. Every Wednesday let's go bowling or sing karaoke. Wednesday is date night! But, I want Tuesday nights for myself. Just a little time for me to do some errands or see my friends."

    I don't know if the problem is if you are not setting boundaries or you can't stand the guy. But set time for the two of you and set some time for just you. That is what people in healthy relationships do and it might make your other problems manageable.
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    Aug 09, 2010 9:19 PM GMT
    Listen to the Zombie!

    Also, having a place you can go to escape and just "be" is a "next best thing". I have this situation sometimes with my roommate. Fortunately, I can just go into my bedroom and close the door, but I also don't want my room to feel like a jail cell.

    I've also found other places outside the home where I can just "be".
  • xebec75

    Posts: 243

    Aug 09, 2010 9:22 PM GMT
    Dude,

    This kid sounds annoying...I mean that you make him sound annoying in your post. Does he have to live with you? Doesn't he have a job or school or something?

    If you want to be in a relationship with someone you have to be in a relationship with them-not who you want them to be. Talk to him...bluntly but kindly. Tell him what you want and deal eighths consequences. It sounds like the consequences are what you are trying to avoid...bite the bullet or suffer in silence.

    You should be communicating with him if you want the relationship to work out.

    Good luck! :-)
  • treader

    Posts: 238

    Aug 09, 2010 10:37 PM GMT
    This guy sound very co-dependent. You're his life. This is very unhealthy - for both of you. What you are asking for is not unreasonable at all. You need to start firmly setting boundaries and enforcing them. He's taking advantage of you and you're letting him. It sounds like he's practically living at your place. Put your foot down and start reclaiming your space. Time to be assertive and start getting your needs met. They're just as important as his. It wouldn't be easy but it's a good life-long lesson to learn.
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    Aug 09, 2010 10:56 PM GMT
    southernkid105 said... he is 18, soon to be 19. I liked dating him, he is a great guy, the problem is he just kinda came to stay for the weekend and has never left, at all. He has lived here for 4 months...


    First, he never left. This is a problem. Who the hell does this?! Second, he is very young. I assume this is his first real time away from home. He is going to be a completely different person in less than one year of college. I further assume that he can do things at your home that he can't at his. Living with you gives him freedom. I am not saying stop dating but do so at arms length. Living together is a huge step. You need to tell him you care for him very much and that is why you are warning him. Warning him about the lethal traps you have set around the house and amongst your personals.
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    Aug 09, 2010 11:19 PM GMT
    You're in a very awkward situation and I don't envy you. But you've gotten good advice here.

    Like it or not, you either decide to live with things as they are and suffer in silence, or you man up and decide you're going to (tactfully and kindly) tell him how things are going to be. And that includes things like 1) he will not be living there, it's not his home, 2) you're dating, not married so you're going to enjoy some alone time as you need it, and 3) the constant texting is too much and needs to stop.

    Reassure him that you do like him and want to continue dating him (if that's true), but you're setting new terms of the relationship, for the good of the relationship and the hope of preserving it. Because otherwise, it won't continue and you'll end up in an acrimonious split.

    Hope this helps.
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    Aug 09, 2010 11:30 PM GMT
    go into the witness protection program. icon_eek.gif

    No, I agree actually with the notion of setting boundaries. You sound nice enough and easy going enough to actually have allowed all you have already. So, take Munching Zombie's advice and just let him know in a very tactful way that you need some 'me' time.

    It may make him feel threatened, but just reassure him that it is very simple and that your feelings FOR him have not changed at all but you just want to have some downtime. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so you can let him know that there is a great benefit of having you away that you will miss him more. Just be nice at first and if that does not work, you are going to have to insist on it because he is driving you crazy, or will.

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    Aug 09, 2010 11:51 PM GMT
    I've had to have the "I need some space," talk with a boyfriend. It was sort of freaky, because I thought it would get blown out of proportion and he would assume I was getting tired of him. Which.. in a way I was. But if you need space, you need space. He has to understand that. If he doesn't accept it... then really it's just a matter of time before he gets on your nerves so much, you won't want him around at all. icon_sad.gif
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    Aug 10, 2010 2:46 AM GMT
    You live at home. He just came to stay the weekend and never left and neither your mom or dad questions his constant presence? I suspect either one or the other and possibly both are fucking him.

    Just a theory.
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    Aug 10, 2010 3:20 AM GMT
    I too couldn't get beyond the part where he moved into your parents' house and THEY never insisted he leave. That seems...odd?
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    Aug 10, 2010 4:33 AM GMT
    RunintheCity saidI too couldn't get beyond the part where he moved into your parents' house and THEY never insisted he leave. That seems...odd?


    My parents had a fit if I brought stray kitten home.
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    Aug 10, 2010 5:07 AM GMT
    Up to you to set boundaries.
    Frankly, control freaks whether at home or the work place will suffocate anybody.