Deception?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 18, 2008 8:17 AM GMT
    ok so i'm not an idiot and i knew talking to people online was "risky" in the fact that you don't actually know who you are talking to, and well people aren't always as they seem. But here's my problem, on another site i've met 3 great guys, who i've been talking to for around 3 or 4 months regularly. In the last week and a half 2 of the three have come out and told me that they have been lying to me about something or another. Whether it be they posting pictures of someone else up, or what they do for a living, or their hobbies, or where they are from, or what ever it may have been. Am i right to feel angry and annoyed with them? After talking regularly for a while and getting to the point to where we both would see or hear something and think of the other person.

    Should i trust them to give them a scond chance? What else have they lied about and just haven't told me yet? Trust is a big deal with me, they both claimed it was out of discretness, but i was being just as descrete without once lying to them. I dont know, i'm not even sure where i am going with this, i guess i just needed to talk.

    i guess what i really want to know is has anyone else been to the point of bearing your heart and most inimate details of your life to someone you thought you knew, only to find out that they aren't who they said they were? ( i guess that was my fault for being so trusting, huh?)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 18, 2008 8:30 AM GMT
    YES.
    guys on gaydar are mostly that.
    sorry for that. but it helps to know that you are not alone. hopefully as you learn, you keep your trusting heart at bay.
    no second chances, i guess you have to move on. x
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Feb 18, 2008 12:02 PM GMT
    Just beware out there...
    don't be so trusting
    a good portion of men out there in online Never never land aren't what they say they are
    If you think you're revealing too much take a step back
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 18, 2008 1:10 PM GMT
    Redneck4lifeAm i right to feel angry and annoyed with them? After talking regularly for a while and getting to the point to where we both would see or hear something and think of the other person.


    Yes!

    It's why I wouldn't put much hope on online flings.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 18, 2008 1:45 PM GMT
    Well let me say I've had some experience with talking (to great length) and meeting (or trying to) some online friends (for friendship only however).
    Some have been successful, some not so much. One was a real experience.

    First, you didn't say much about what led to their confessions. Did they do it voluntarily or did you have to coax it out of them? What were the lies?

    Secondly, how involved are you with these three? Have you talked by phone? Have you really been trying to get to know them .. or is it just background prior to a hookup? Not trying to be rude at all, but curious about the "seriousness" of what you are doing there.

    If it isn't a major digression and you care, I'd talk it through. If its something.. like a lie about what they do for a living or something kind of substantial, I'd ask them to explain themselves.

    If you are willing to accept their explanation, I'd be on guard, evaluating them as you go along, just to make sure the original lie was just an exception.
    Make sure they view you... as important.. if thats what you want. Some may not and just tell you something to gain your interest, but they don't ever think they will ever meet you.

    Lots to consider.... good luck with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 18, 2008 6:41 PM GMT
    You are far too young to give these men a second chance. Once a liar always a liar. If they have to lie about something so simple as where they work or worse yet post someone else's picture, they have very deap issues. BEWARE and kick them to the curb. There are a few that do not lie and present themselves as who they really are. Build the trust first with truths, then if someone falls short of being perfect after you have established a relationship then provide them with a second chance if needed after all we are all human. Being deceptive from the start when you have nothing to lose means there is something to hide.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 18, 2008 7:06 PM GMT
    You are not alone, as you can read.

    You have every right to feel annoyed or what have you.

    Basically, take the bad with the good. Some will work out and some won't. I've met some good friends off sites, have had some HOT hook ups (no more hook ups though!) & come across many flakes, just take it all with a grain of salt!
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    Feb 18, 2008 7:57 PM GMT
    I've been lied to MANY times online and yes...it's annoying and i feel as if my time is being wasted (something that i dislike wiht a passion) so needless to say you're not alone in this. As a rule i tend to be more on the cautious side when telling people about myself and have a VERY low tolerance for lies. Small white lies one can overlook and even justify but as a rule, once you lie to me ( I mean like a big lie {and i consider a fake pic to be up there on the list unless the person comes clean in the first conversation}) then to me, that relationship is pretty much over. Of course that's just me.icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 18, 2008 8:07 PM GMT
    It's the Internet anyone can be anyone?

    Dump them in the trash bin if i were you as that's what i do and Block and cancel them as there are million's more out there! Especially those of other countries there are a lorra lorra liars!!

    Where i live in Turkey lying seem's to be normal but not for me it is not ever! l hate liars and they are easy to catch out in time! l never use Gaydar now!

    Gay Romeo seem's ok in general so maybe try there Friend.


    Good luck but it's fun anyway don't get too serious as for me Mr Cynical!!!
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    Feb 18, 2008 8:31 PM GMT
    People are full of shit no matter if you are talking to them on the net, at a bar, or in a confessional booth. You learn to either not share intimate details about yourself early on in the game, or learn to not care so much about those details that you would give them to anyone.
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    Feb 18, 2008 8:33 PM GMT
    I agree with the other guys -- if they start off lying, it's probably a character trait...no one is perfect, but do you want to build friendships with "liars?" And to answer your question, yeah, I've been lied to a few times...
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Feb 18, 2008 8:56 PM GMT
    I've always been a skeptical guy, so until I see them over cam or meet face-to-face, I try to have a healthy skepticism about things. "If it's too good to be true, it usually is." Especially when it comes to the Internet. It's so easy to be someone else. But I don't understand how people keep up with all the subterfuge. It can take so much energy -- and then if you meet a guy you really like you run the risk of the reaction you are rightfully having. You have to decide for yourself whether their lies are little white lies you can forgive or big lies that are indication of more lies to come.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 18, 2008 9:17 PM GMT
    ha ha ha ha had experiences with them? I bloody lived with a habitual liar for nearly 6 months! It just took me that long to unpick the bullshit and recover my bank account!!!!!

    that was the last time I hooked up with anyone off the internet. Many people put across the best aspects of their character or their wishful aspirations, the worst thing you can do is take these as given when it goes from a vurtual friendship to a real one!
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    Feb 18, 2008 9:49 PM GMT
    bfg1 saidha ha ha ha had experiences with them? I bloody lived with a habitual liar for nearly 6 months! It just took me that long to unpick the bullshit and recover my bank account!!!!!

    that was the last time I hooked up with anyone off the internet. Many people put across the best aspects of their character or their wishful aspirations, the worst thing you can do is take these as given when it goes from a vurtual friendship to a real one!


    I am truly sorry to read about your bad experiences with meeting people on the internet.

    Unfortunately that does happen, I may be naive and too trusting yet I tend to take people on their word and behavior. I meet some really decent people on line...like my spouse for example. To be fair, I was introduced to some real creeps and nutters on line; which, I quickly and politely "No thanks".

    This is how I try to approach life and relationships, to be open (open minded), honest, and sincere. Based on experience, it has never really hurt me in the long run once people figured out "What you see...see what you get".

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 18, 2008 10:03 PM GMT
    Bummer man. Sorry to hear that.
    The way I see it is if someone likes you and you like them then there is no reason to lie and decieve the person. I would not give those individuals another chance for the simple fact that they had to lie to you in order to get to know you. That's something along the line of what con artists do and we all know what happesn when you trust a con artist.

    Chalk it up as a bad experience and press on. These guys had no intention of something serious since they themselves weren't serious with you in being honest. It's not your fault for being honest, that's a damn good quality, but you should limit your answers until you meet the individuals in person and get a feel from them. It's hard to read people when chatting online because computers are emotionless.

    Take care and be careful.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2008 4:07 AM GMT
    Hey guys,

    Thanks for the advice, i'll keep it in mind as i think this over. i appriciate the help.
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    Feb 19, 2008 4:23 AM GMT
    a1972guy saidI've met some good friends off sites, have had some HOT hook ups (no more hook ups though!) & come across many flakes, just take it all with a grain of salt!


    See, this is a classic example. In private a1972guy promise to marry me... now he tells everyone "no more hook ups though!" . I'm glad his grain of salt comes with a tequila shot.

    Yeah, everyone's been betrayed one time or another. It's part of the learning process, I suppose. You'll get over it eventually and move on as a much wiser person...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2008 4:27 AM GMT
    bfg1 saidha ha ha ha had experiences with them? I bloody lived with a habitual liar for nearly 6 months! It just took me that long to unpick the bullshit and recover my bank account!!!!!

    that was the last time I hooked up with anyone off the internet. Many people put across the best aspects of their character or their wishful aspirations, the worst thing you can do is take these as given when it goes from a vurtual friendship to a real one!


    I'm sorry to hear that mate, but you're guaranteed a good ol' shag if you come and visit me here 'cos I'm for realzicon_smile.gif

    That's why it's best not to put your best virtual foot forward. It's just a waste of effort and energy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2008 4:54 AM GMT
    Lies are one thing, but deception is totally another thing. I may lie about my age by one or two years or birthdate to protect myself from ID theft, but putting pictures that are not representative of you or stating things that are absolutely not true is being deceptive. I don't like to be lured into the pitfall that I may fall for someone that they really aren't. It's tricky as I would assume 90% of people on a dating site are honest with themselves and with one another. Maybe the percentage is lower, but I would give a person the benefit of the doubt. For example, I have seen posted on peoples profiles an age of 99, but they have a bod of a 40 year old...now that I would take with a great of salt. It's not until you have chatted at some length that one can slowly uncover the shady sides of one's own character flaws...deception being one of them. It starts out with an innocent pic, and then boils over into other parts of the persons profile and personality. Just be aware that this does happen and don't be embarrassed by the deception. It happens to all of us newbies one time or another. Best Wishes, Hiker.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2008 5:20 AM GMT
    Sad to say, but most guys seem to like online. I don't mean a little lie, but things like posting someone else's pics, posting 10 year old pics or pics when they were 30 pounds lighter . . . Of the 6 guys I've met recently, only one was actually what he said he was . . .

    In just the last two weeks, two guys I'd been chatting with via email eventually asked me for money.

    Soooo, while I'm not in the habit of quoting Republicans, I might quote Reagan and say, "Trust but verify" (especially before committing to anything!).
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    Feb 19, 2008 5:35 AM GMT
    Lying is a form of deception. When you lie about your age (or anything else) you are decieving the person of the of who you. As innocent as a few of these things might seem to one person they might be serious to another. A pic, age, religion, or whatever is misrepesentation of yourself if you aren't gonna be truthful about it and it does paint a completely different image. You are better off leaving your profile completely blank and letting people assume whatever because at least then no one can call you a liar.

    You have to sometimes wonder that if a person is willing decieve you over something that is trival like their age or how they look then what else might they be capable of when it comes to honesty or lack there of?

    Just the thought of an average guy who reads profiles.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2008 6:34 AM GMT
    if they had to come clean because of being "caught", i'd dump 'em quick.

    if they confessed to clear the air for a closer relationship, i'd say "OK, but no more" and then give a cautious second chance.
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    Feb 19, 2008 6:43 AM GMT
    both were out of the blue, they voluneered to come clean. they said they needed to clear the air. . .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 19, 2008 6:44 AM GMT
    it is a real russian roulette online, but you kinda just have to take everyones profile with a grain of salt nowadays



    only thing i ever lied about was my age, but now that im 18 for real i dont have to


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    Feb 19, 2008 7:03 AM GMT
    It's one thing to just read a profile and to take it at face value. That's to be expected since you obviously don't them. It's another to ask a question in regards to their profile and they stick with the "profile answer" only to confess later that what they said was a lie after you asked them.

    If I ask a question in regards to a person's profile that I've just read I want an honest answer. it's really quite simple. What about that concept is so hard for guys to follow these days. THAT to me raises a red flag.