i'm a little new to this...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2010 7:57 AM GMT
    hello, this is my first post here...

    i used to hate myself for being gay, but someone i met on the internet helped me see that it is just who i am. He basically came out to me and said he liked me and i didn't know what to say for so long, he was saying 'pls dont hate me..' I came out to him and told him i liked him too. We will never meet up or anything, but it was the only person i'd ever told.

    A month or two ago i told my mother. I haven't told anyone else.. i dont think i'm particularly obvious but there's a guy at work thats also in with my circle of friends that makes fun of me daily and calls me a fag and keeps trying to convince my friends that i'm gay... it wouldnt really matter to me but it is continuous for 2 years now and it's starting to piss me off. anyways, my friends said they'd ditch me if i was, my boss said he'd fire me, and everyone is watching me pretty close cuz of that f&*khole. i really dont understand why he or anyone else is that interested in me.

    i don't have the courage to deal with all those ppl at once if i came out. its kind of scary to think about being gay, i'm still not entirely comfortable with it.. I'll never have a family. some of the dating aspects seem daunting, seems most ppl on forums say there's more bottoms than tops (maybe thats wrong?) and how do you tell who's who etc... also, I know most girls think i'm good looking but i have no idea what guys think. one more thing, i'm LONELY! dating girls just makes that worse. I suppose these are all pretty stupid but i really dont have any gay friends to pat me on the head and call me a pussy for worrying about that crap...

    anyways, advice or kind words would be greatly appreciated...

    thanks for reading that ~Matt
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    Aug 10, 2010 10:27 AM GMT
    You look extremely familiar. Is Matt a pseudonym?
    Either way, I applaud your courage for wanting to come out. icon_biggrin.gif
    I'd suggest being proactive to find another job ASAP, while you're still employed. In the interviews, let the new potential employers know up front about your sexuality so it doesn't affect your job later.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 10, 2010 10:34 AM GMT
    Congrats on getting your toes wet icon_wink.gif
    Be yourself ... don't look at what others are doing
    Don't believe the hype
    You don't have to "act" a certain way
    go and hang out at specific places
    continue to be who you are without all the lying
    The thing that's making you lonely is the cocoon of stories and worrying that people are going to find out that you surrounded yourself with
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2010 10:46 AM GMT
    hey, who says that you can't have a family and that if you are bottom you have to find the opposite?
    me and my ex were both top and everything went well. you can find a serious man to live with and maybe adopt a kid if you really want

    i was like you when i was sure i'm gay, i hated myself, but when i moved to the big city i started going out in gay clubs, i had my first boyfriend and 2 lesbian friends who helped me very much and now i wouldn't trade my gay life for a straight one. i feel very good just how i am now, i'm having too much fun to take a bitch on my head
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Aug 10, 2010 11:15 AM GMT
    mkubwa said I suppose these are all pretty stupid but i really dont have any gay friends to pat me on the head and call me a pussy for worrying about that crap...


    You do now!
    /pats Matt on the head
    Pussy! Stop worrying about all this crap!
    icon_wink.gif
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Aug 10, 2010 11:58 AM GMT
    Does Canada have laws protecting gay people from getting fired for sexual orientation? They seem progressive enough to have a law like that, so I bet you won't get fired.

    Coming out is always a risk. Be it to family, friends, co-workers. But know that once you do it, you'll be surrounded by genuine people that care about you. Sometimes, that might just be yourself. But that's really ok, you're better off.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Aug 10, 2010 12:06 PM GMT
    jlly_rnchr saidDoes Canada have laws protecting gay people from getting fired for sexual orientation? They seem progressive enough to have a law like that, so I bet you won't get fired.

    Coming out is always a risk. Be it to family, friends, co-workers. But know that once you do it, you'll be surrounded by genuine people that care about you. Sometimes, that might just be yourself. But that's really ok, you're better off.


    True.
    The biggest problem that we seem to have though when we come out, we automatically become the target of misconceptions and stereotypes.
    Atutomatically a straight guy will assume you want to fuck him irrespective of looks and preference.
    Automatically you are effeminite and more female than male.

    With our freedom of coming out, we just have another set of chains that tie us up. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2010 12:30 PM GMT
    read the OP and presumed you were in some god awful state like Alabama or Texas. But you are in Canada.. I suspect there is legislation which you could use to whoop your employer´s ass if he were similar.

    however, my initial instinct is that if your environment is so toxic that you need to change it: look for a new job, maybe move, certainly find new friends.

    it´s not as scary as it seems, young padawan.
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    Aug 10, 2010 12:31 PM GMT
    I was thinking the same thing as jlly_rnchr. It would seem in a country that is known for being gay friendly, that there would at least be a law protecting your job.

    Personally, I would speak with a lawyer and if there were laws to protect me, I would tell my boss and pray for him to fire me. This way I could sue him and get a job where I am treated like a person and not threatened for being different. This is a personal decision and not one I would advocate for someone who is not ready for the mess that could ensue.

    I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this experience. However, you can make it through this tough patch if you stay strong and take some control over the direction of your life.

    You need to recognize that the "friends" who are telling you they would ditch you are not really friends if their friendship is conditional. I know this is tough, but you are going to need to grow a thicker skin if you are going to move beyond the current situation you are in.

    I would definitely begin looking for a new job, and possibly a new place to live if the area you live in is uncomfortable.

    Unfortunately there are no easy answers. You are going to have to decide whether you want to continue living as you are and hope things get better, or take action to make things better for you.

    See if there is a gay community center near you that you can phone anonymously to get some advice and possible find a counselor to speak with. Sometimes all you need is a kind ear and some encouragement to make the necessary changes in your life.

    Good luck with your journey!


    jlly_rnchr saidDoes Canada have laws protecting gay people from getting fired for sexual orientation? They seem progressive enough to have a law like that, so I bet you won't get fired.

    Coming out is always a risk. Be it to family, friends, co-workers. But know that once you do it, you'll be surrounded by genuine people that care about you. Sometimes, that might just be yourself. But that's really ok, you're better off.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2010 12:36 PM GMT
    mkubwa said...there's a guy at work thats also in with my circle of friends that makes fun of me daily and calls me a fag and keeps trying to convince my friends that i'm gay...

    I presume you mean he's a mutual friend of some of your own friends, but not a friend of yours himself? In some places his words would be considered sexual harassment.

    But apparently you are in a very hostile work environment, if your so-called friends say they would ditch you and your boss fire you. I agree with paulflexes -- get the hell out of there ASAP. This isn't going to end well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2010 12:41 PM GMT
    So much for the myth of tolerant Canadians! ... icon_rolleyes.gif ... Only baby seals have it worse than you up there.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 10, 2010 12:47 PM GMT
    Well to begin with, congrats for taking the time to talk to us about your fears, your progress about the acceptance of yourself and congrats for talking to your mother about this aspect of your life. Just know there are people here who would understand where you are at and whats going. Please feel free to always talk about
    these worries and for whatever else you might have questions.

    I'm most concerned about your work situation and your "circle of friends", including the asshole you referenced. Why do you feel your job would be at risk if your employer became aware of your sexual preference? If you have a basis for it, I'd
    start making some changes. I'd start looking for a different job (and I realize it isn't a good time to do it, but take some steps) and I'd quit hanging out with your "circle" if you don't think they would be accepting if you came out..... and the asshole is no friend of yours. I'd probably have encouraged him to keep his opinion to himself
    in no uncertain terms .... away from work if in fact he is an employee there.

    Its time you start shifting emphasis in your life. I'd suggest contacting a gay support
    organization in your city and ask for some direction in terms of activities, interests, etc. If one clicks with you, take the time and explore it. You need to develop at least a few friendships with good quality gay men that will be a support system.

    And your comment about the top/bttm thing isn't important. Your long term happiness is.. thats what its all about and your fulfillment as a person.
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    Aug 10, 2010 2:55 PM GMT
    I can't believe your still afraid to come out living here in Canada! First of all it is illegal to fire you here based on yoru sexual orientation. So I say come out and then if anything happens you can retire off of the lawsuit! Second if your friends don't want to hang with you cause your gay, you need some new friends. If any of my friends ever said anything so discriminating I would not want to hang with those types of peeps.
    I applaud your courage and keep it up! but you have tons to gain in a Country like ours!! Have no fear! ;)
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    Aug 10, 2010 4:12 PM GMT
    nice camera!
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    Aug 10, 2010 4:21 PM GMT
    Hating oneself and being lonely is very common among us, at least I think so, I know I do alot of the time.. I hope things go well for you and dont worry your a good-looking guy man, you have a pleasant facial expression too ...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2010 4:26 PM GMT
    Well, your boss is full of shit, and both he your co-worker can be charged from here to kingdom come for workplace harassment/sexual harassment. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2010 4:57 PM GMT
    Betch, just do it, dont be pussy!!!!

    icon_wink.gif


    Youll be fine, you got us now.


    p.s.
    Youre cute.
  • Geoedward

    Posts: 657

    Aug 10, 2010 5:24 PM GMT

    Hi mkubwa,
    I am sorry you are going through all of this. I was at a job for 13years where no one knew anything about me. My so called friends would jokingly hint around that they thought I was gay. It wasn't like I lived with the same guy for 13 years or that we did everything together. Hello! Anyway after 13 years one of my bosses asked me and I said yes. After all I never tried to hide it. I just didn't think my personal life was any of their business. At the time here in Delaware we didn't have any rights and I lost my job. It was very upsetting but it was the best thing that could happen to me. I now have a job where everyone knows and we are pretty good friends. I decided that on the interview for this job I was going to be totally honest. When they asked questions like what do you like to do on your free time. I said my partner and I like to go to the beach, or hang out with our friends. I made sure they knew I was gay from the beginning. Like I said, it was very upsetting to lose my job and to lose friends. It was all worth it in the long run and the so called friends were not really my friends in the first place. Hopefully you have a law against discrimination. I wish you the very best. It sounds like it is time for a major change anyway. No one should have to work in an environment where you are harassed everyday.
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    Aug 10, 2010 5:29 PM GMT
    awwwww im sowie you have a friend here =)
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    Aug 10, 2010 5:53 PM GMT
    wow! thanks for all the responses!

    i guess i was a little down last night, but i feel a lot better now icon_biggrin.gif

    paulflexesYou look extremely familiar. Is Matt a pseudonym?

    no, i have not posted on any gay forums before, my real name is Matt. In ottawa everyone is named matt, there are 7 where i work icon_rolleyes.gif

    Kage/pats Matt on the head
    Pussy! Stop worrying about all this crap!

    hahaha thanks icon_biggrin.gif

    jlly_rnchrDoes Canada have laws protecting gay people from getting fired for sexual orientation?

    we do but you have to prove they fired you because you're gay, then go through 3 years of lawyers writing letters to each other at $500/hour... and with no job that can be hard to finance.

    ultimately it's just a job to pay for school, if it wasnt for that asshole who would tell everyone if he found out (i think he's gay himself with how much he makes fun of me, he also tried to convince my friends that i'm OCD which couldn't be further from the truth.. and just last week he wanted me to go with him for beers after work.. he must be crazy), i would just never let ppl at my work know. my friends would be hard to let go of, we've been buds since grade 7.. but living like this sucks.

    HndsmKansanIts time you start shifting emphasis in your life.

    thanks! that is very uplifting.. sort of makes it feel like a new begining rather than how i have been thinking of it.

    frenchatheartnice camera!

    its my baby icon_biggrin.gif i had to sell a bunch of lenses for tuition money but i will be buying some of them back this year.

    thanks everyone, i feel a lot better about this! being in this state has been detrimental to me, i lost my love & inspiration for drawing and dropped out of animation because i couldn't take the closet anymore, it's been a year but i'm picking up the pencil again now icon_biggrin.gif i'm glad i decided to make a post on here
  • hartfan

    Posts: 1037

    Aug 10, 2010 6:06 PM GMT
    What everyone has said. You'll always find help, support and advice here if you need it. Good luck. Feel free to talk to us anytime.
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    Aug 10, 2010 7:23 PM GMT
    I have to agree with others that it may be best to look for a job. You are young so over the years to come, this is probably one of many job changes you will make and most of these changes will probably be for reasons much less serious than discrimination. Depending on how comfortable you are with it, if you do find another job, you might want to let it be known why you are leaving. There are more people than ever before that are out of the closet, so it is very likely that someone openly gay will be employed at this company at sometime in the future. Even if what you have to say is not pursued, but only on record, it could be very helpful to someone's charge of discrimination at a later time.

    Congratulations on the steps you have made in coming out. It will get easier with time. As you can see, you can always find support here, but living in your country's capital, I have to believe that there are many organizations in your area that can also offer you support and allow you to meet other gay people at the same time.