ARGHGGH Sexless Relationship

  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Aug 11, 2010 9:25 AM GMT
    Hmph.

    So as some of you guys might know Ive been having a hard time of it with my mum dying, having a breakdown, over work etc.

    Ive been in an LTR for four years now. And for the last six months - since break down and being on meds and seeing a counsellor - I just dont know what I feel for him OTHER than purely Platonic best mates/house mate/someone I could live with for ever type thing.

    On the other hand, we've not had sex in months - not even mutual masturbation or oral sex, mostly due to me not fancying him. He ticks all the boxes of boy friend other than the sex part.

    Now Ive been playing with one of my really close friends - who also has a boyfriend who doesnt like sex - which has been my only outlet for sex.

    I spoke to my boyfriend last night about things. He says that what turns him on the most are Jocks masturbating. And giving head. Thats it. he DOESNT like penetrative sex. And certainly doesnt like any of the things I am interested in an enjoy - being fucked, fucking, rimming, being rimmed etc - and certainly wont experiment with mild S&M or cum control/edging.

    Ive told him I that I admit Ive been in a wierd head space of late and I am trying to sort it out through counselling etc., but hes not even prepared to give anything I enjoy in the sack. Because he either things they are wrong, silly or make him feel queesy.

    We also chatted about me wanting to put some piercings back in and have a tattoo done...and again he was "ermrm no". They look stupid and not attractive and aren't artistic. He's also not keen on me chatting or even posting on here in case I pull a cute jock guy.

    I asked him if it was ok to have an exclusive fuck budddy. He said, errm ok but to ask permission first and to tell him but not to expect to have a boyfriend when I got home. He says a relationship without sex is jsut best mates living together and sharing a bed but despite not having had sex for months we are still boyfriends....to behoneset I can see myself living with him in the long term, but as what I do not know.

    So do I dump someone I am quite happy with without the sex, cheat or what?
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Aug 11, 2010 9:54 AM GMT
    Well you have already been playing with your friend behind his back, so you can check the "Cheat" box.
    It is never a good thing to do.

    Why not suggest an open relationship?
    It will allow you both to keep home life status quo but allow you to have sexual relations with others.

    It does work.
    I've been in a relationship for 12 years and counting and the last 4 or 5 years or so, it has been what I would call a "consenting open relationship".
    We are allowed to have sex outside the relationship but with consent from the others and follow the rules.

  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Aug 11, 2010 10:11 AM GMT
    I dont think he'd go for it to be honest. We have entirely differant views of sex. and what it means. For him its ONLY in a relationship. For me fucking a mate and making love to him are two completely differant things....
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Aug 11, 2010 10:14 AM GMT
    Rowing_Ant saidI dont think he'd go for it to be honest. We have entirely differant views of sex. and what it means. For him its ONLY in a relationship. For me fucking a mate and making love to him are two completely differant things....


    Well, i understand where you are coming from and that is probably why my relationship is working because are able to seperate love and lust.

    If you dont see things improving over the next few months then it might be best to have an open and candid discussion with him.

    It hs to change some way.


  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Aug 11, 2010 10:16 AM GMT
    We had the same talk six months ago.

    He is

    No to anal sex
    No to rimming
    No to even mild S&M
    No to trying less vanilla stuff (watersports looks fun, I enjoy sounding)

    Grudging yes to me giving in to my Bi side

    No tattoos or piercings (hello its my body)
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Aug 11, 2010 10:22 AM GMT
    Rowing_Ant saidWe had the same talk six months ago.

    He is

    No to anal sex
    No to rimming
    No to even mild S&M
    No to trying less vanilla stuff (watersports looks fun, I enjoy sounding)

    Grudging yes to me giving in to my Bi side

    No tattoos or piercings (hello its my body)


    Hmmmm...
    Relationships are about compromise.
    As soon as that falters, one of the parties will be compromising constantly.

  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Aug 11, 2010 10:25 AM GMT
    Tell me about it.

    Ive spoken to my priest about it. He says to have an exclusive fuck buddy so its safe.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Aug 11, 2010 10:34 AM GMT
    Rowing_Ant saidTell me about it.

    Ive spoken to my priest about it. He says to have an exclusive fuck buddy so its safe.


    Errrr....OK.
    Yes...but...it is still cheating.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2010 10:39 AM GMT
    Rowing_Ant saidSo do I dump someone I am quite happy with without the sex, cheat or what?
    Speak from the point of view of a fellow non-penetrative-sex guy...
    Yeah, dump him. Actually he's kinda dumb (or actually, naive is the word) for even agreeing to date someone who he knows is not compatible in bed. Sex does not be the basis for a relationship, but it still needs to be there for the relationship to work.

    I used to date guys who wanted more than I can give, but finally gave it up because I realized I was just being naive (this was after 10 years of dating). Let him know there are plenty other guys out there who aren't into penetrative sex...he'll just have to be patient to find them.

    PS. The part about him not liking you posting here. Yeah, uhh, he sounds possessive and controlling...yet another reason to dump him.
  • SFGeoNinja

    Posts: 510

    Aug 11, 2010 10:42 AM GMT
    Rowing_Ant saidWe had the same talk six months ago.

    He is

    No to anal sex
    No to rimming
    No to even mild S&M
    No to trying less vanilla stuff (watersports looks fun, I enjoy sounding)

    Grudging yes to me giving in to my Bi side

    No tattoos or piercings (hello its my body)


    Clearly all of these things are important to you. If not then you wouldn't have cheated with another person as your sexual outlet and you wouldn't be posting here.

    Of course, in an ideal world you would have brought these issues up to your boyfriend before you intended to cheat on him.

    It sounds like you have failed to come up with a reasonable compromise that works for both of you. The tattoo incident makes him sound dismissive of you as well as insecure.

    If you have honestly and openly explained to your boyfriend these frustrations and offered to make changes yourself to meet his needs while he neglects to do the same for you, then you are not sexually compatible and should find a new "roommate."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2010 11:15 AM GMT
    Man do I know how you feel!!! It seems in every relationship whether its gay or straight there is always one that wants it and one that doesn't, I just don't get it. Do they really expect us to stay around forever and never sleep with anyone else and they not come up off of anything either? WTF?!!!

    It sounds like to me your bf is willing to have sex though, just not the type that you like. Is there any way you could compromise and meet in the middle on the sex?

    Maybe do all the oral stuff that he likes and then he could throw your legs in the air, whip out a huge dildo and fuck the hell outta you with it, or whatever, you get the point, improvise.

    Its so hard now a days to find someone we really click with in every way. If hes a good guy and you really love him I would try every option possible before I call it quits or etc.

    Cheating isn't going to solve the problem by the way. Its only a temporary fix and its only a matter of time until you end up sleeping with someone that you eventually will want something more with and then your going to have this same dilemma all over again, whether to leave or stay.

  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Aug 11, 2010 11:25 AM GMT
    hey buddy, i am going to give you a bit of advice. i think its time you throw in the towel. i mean you have already cheated and you are not getting what you need from the guy. he is not even trying to compromise with you and he seems to be controlling. dude, its only going to get worst and trust me the only reason you are ok with it now is because you love him.
    the lack of sex and his controlling issues is going to drive a wedge into your relationship which in term will make you resentful and angry in the end
    dude, get out and find someone who has all the qualities you want in a person
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2010 11:38 AM GMT
    You are both not getting what you want in a sexual relationship.

    Move on.

    You sound like you're comfortable, if bored, but that isn't really an excuse to flog a dead horse.

    Stay friends, you sound like thats what you are already. Just agree that your interests are not compatible and take a risk in finding what you really want.

    Simples.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2010 12:44 PM GMT
    hmm, well two things Rowing_Ant, do you find him physically appealing?

    And, from this, " On the other hand, we've not had sex in months - not even mutual masturbation or oral sex, mostly due to me not fancying him. He ticks all the boxes of boy friend other than the sex part."

    along with this, "He says a relationship without sex is jsut best mates living together and sharing a bed but despite not having had sex for months we are still boyfriends..."

    ...tells me that he is waiting for you and probably hopes things will go back to the way they were, say, two years ago.

    xo -Doug
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Aug 11, 2010 1:50 PM GMT
    Rowing_Ant saidWe had the same talk six months ago.

    He is

    No to anal sex
    No to rimming
    No to even mild S&M
    No to trying less vanilla stuff (watersports looks fun, I enjoy sounding)

    Grudging yes to me giving in to my Bi side

    No tattoos or piercings (hello its my body)




    SHIT dude Idk maybe its just me but I think you need a new bf mean sex is super important for a healthy relationship
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2010 2:07 PM GMT
    well, I dont see how its a bf if you dont have sex, and yes sex is important for your mental well-being...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2010 2:46 PM GMT
    I think sex is usually a reflection of other things in the relationship. Like Samantha from Sex in the City says, "How you are in bed is how you are in life!" and for better or worse, I tend to agree.
    I had a four year relationship with the last two years being "sex free" which was totally not working for either of us; I was unhappy & tired of being a care taker, he simply wanted "the roommate" situation and was content with that.
    I think it came down to us being comfortable in a situation we knew wasn't working.
    My question is, how was your relationship before you experienced your "breakdown?" Are the issues just coming to light after your extream shock, or were they there all the time?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2010 3:47 PM GMT
    Rowing_Ant saidHmph.

    So as some of you guys might know Ive been having a hard time of it with my mum dying, having a breakdown, over work etc.

    Ive been in an LTR for four years now. And for the last six months - since break down and being on meds and seeing a counsellor - I just dont know what I feel for him OTHER than purely Platonic best mates/house mate/someone I could live with for ever type thing.

    On the other hand, we've not had sex in months - not even mutual masturbation or oral sex, mostly due to me not fancying him. He ticks all the boxes of boy friend other than the sex part.

    Now Ive been playing with one of my really close friends - who also has a boyfriend who doesnt like sex - which has been my only outlet for sex.

    I spoke to my boyfriend last night about things. He says that what turns him on the most are Jocks masturbating. And giving head. Thats it. he DOESNT like penetrative sex. And certainly doesnt like any of the things I am interested in an enjoy - being fucked, fucking, rimming, being rimmed etc - and certainly wont experiment with mild S&M or cum control/edging.

    Ive told him I that I admit Ive been in a wierd head space of late and I am trying to sort it out through counselling etc., but hes not even prepared to give anything I enjoy in the sack. Because he either things they are wrong, silly or make him feel queesy.

    We also chatted about me wanting to put some piercings back in and have a tattoo done...and again he was "ermrm no". They look stupid and not attractive and aren't artistic. He's also not keen on me chatting or even posting on here in case I pull a cute jock guy.

    I asked him if it was ok to have an exclusive fuck budddy. He said, errm ok but to ask permission first and to tell him but not to expect to have a boyfriend when I got home. He says a relationship without sex is jsut best mates living together and sharing a bed but despite not having had sex for months we are still boyfriends....to behoneset I can see myself living with him in the long term, but as what I do not know.

    So do I dump someone I am quite happy with without the sex, cheat or what?


    Figure out what's important to you in your relationship. What's a must and what u can compromise on. Make the call on that. You are the one who will have to live with the consequence of yr decision
  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Aug 11, 2010 4:39 PM GMT
    cold said... does sex really mean that much?


    Sex is not the only thing, but so isnt love. We are humans after all, and being satisfied sexually and emotionally is very important. You seem to be good for the emotional part, but Sexwise there is not much people can tell you.

    At least I see 3 options:
    1. Get him to satisfy you in bed. (doubt that will happen, but still good luck)
    2. Get your sexual output outside the relationship WITH his concsent.
    3. Get out of this relationship and find yourself someone that fits.

    If I were in your Shoes I would have already ended it long before. Thats just my own opinion since I love my freedom and I dont need someone telling what I can or cant do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2010 4:47 PM GMT
    why are you still with him?
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Aug 11, 2010 4:49 PM GMT
    waxon saidwhy are you still with him?


    Yah really

    Are people really this dysfunctional in relationships, if you can call it that icon_razz.gif

    Move on
  • TexasBoeuf

    Posts: 68

    Aug 11, 2010 5:47 PM GMT
    He's not willing to even try these things with you. He's not willing to let you try them with others. It sounds like he doesn't care if your needs are met or not. Hey hubby fuck you. It sounds like he has created a no win situation for you. No you will not have sex with him in any way that you like and no you will not try it with others.

    If you feel frustrated now, ask yourself, do I want to feel this way a year from now? 5 years from now? Is this what I want for the rest of my life?

    I was in a similar situation as you. We ended up parting ways and I've been happy since.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2010 7:06 PM GMT
    You two are not sexually compatible.
    He refuses to compromise.
    You are cheating on him.

    You are both fuck ups. Break up and find someone who works.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2010 7:20 PM GMT
    Rowing_Ant saidTell me about it.

    Ive spoken to my priest about it. He says to have an exclusive fuck buddy so its safe.


    lol ....that is one modern priest. icon_lol.gif
    what church?
  • Rowing_Ant

    Posts: 1504

    Aug 11, 2010 10:16 PM GMT
    Hes a Unitarian Christian Minister. He's a great guy!

    I've got a few compromises from my "boyf"

    I can get a tattoo because its my body, but he still thinks they are ugly and "if I wait til I get bigger shoulders for it, what'll happen when you're old??"

    Same with piercings.

    Sex wise.. still a none starter. I can see myself living with him indefinately but not sure what as. We get on really great as best mates, have cuddles, have so much in common and I do really care for the guy and love him platonically

    It's just the sex thing.