Just not that into you..

  • rf_dal

    Posts: 380

    Aug 11, 2010 6:04 PM GMT
    So, what do you do when you meet someone and on your side the attraction just isn't there, but on theirs it definitely is? How do you gently let them know what amounts to "thanks but no thanks"? I must be doing it wrong, because people end up angry.. I try to be as nice as possible, but if it's not there it's not there you know?
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    Aug 11, 2010 6:17 PM GMT
    Depending on the person, there is no gentle way to do it.
    Some people simply cannot handle rejection...especially sexual rejection.
    Just do your best and hope for the best.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 11, 2010 9:42 PM GMT
    If you are honestly as nice as you can be, then their reaction is on them not on you. I'd rather be let down easily than have someone ignore me. So, in case you ever let me down, let me thank you in advance.

    By the way, you free Saturday? ;-)
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    Aug 11, 2010 9:44 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidDepending on the person, there is no gentle way to do it.
    Some people simply cannot handle rejection...especially sexual rejection.
    Just do your best and hope for the best.




    Exactly. Rejection is tough for anybody to handle, and most people don't handle it gracefully. The more you lead them on or fail to be direct, the uglier it will get.

  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Aug 11, 2010 9:49 PM GMT
    rf_dal saidSo, what do you do when you meet someone and on your side the attraction just isn't there, but on theirs it definitely is? How do you gently let them know what amounts to "thanks but no thanks"? I must be doing it wrong, because people end up angry.. I try to be as nice as possible, but if it's not there it's not there you know?


    hmmm, I'm wondering what "as nice as possible" means in your book? icon_smile.gif

    Seriously, though, as the others have said, don't let the way they choose to react or interpret your words and actions get you down. Some people become real bastards and some say thanks and move on.

  • nv7_

    Posts: 1453

    Aug 11, 2010 9:51 PM GMT
    If they freak out, you were right. icon_biggrin.gif

    Don't lead the guy on though. As soon as you feel it, you should put it out there.
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    Aug 11, 2010 10:04 PM GMT
    Keep it short, sweet and polite.

    A few things you can say:

    1. I'm not emotionally available right now.
    2. You're a great guy but I think we can only be friends at most.
    3. I am flattered by your attention, but I just want to be honest: I don't see this as an amorous relationship.
    4. Would you mind if we kept this relationship strictly a friendship?
    5. Sorry, but I don't see this relationship working. I can't really explain it.

    I don't think there is any way that you can get around the feelings of rejection. Some may accept it and move on, most will be hurt, and some may turn it into a friendship. It is the cruel reality of dating.

    But in the long-term, I think *reasonable* people appreciate direct, upfront communication.
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    Aug 11, 2010 10:06 PM GMT
    Tell the dude upfront and directly what type of relationship you are willing to pursue (just friends, hookup only, or nothing at all), and you wont run into problems. When you start fiddle fucking around to try to avoid hurt feelings, mixed messages are sent and things become very confused and awkward.
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    Aug 11, 2010 10:40 PM GMT
    Eh. People get pissed off even if you let them down nicely.

    I had a VERY YOUNG twink recently aggressively trying to pick me up, telling me 'all the wonderful times we'll have in bed' and I tried to let him down easy. After 10 minutes of his badgering, I had enough and told him that I was not interested. He told me that he 'felt sorry for me' when I still refused his advances. I simply smiled and wished him 'good luck'. He got so angry and stormed out.

    I tried to be nice but he wouldn't take it.

  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Aug 11, 2010 10:51 PM GMT
    You do it with honesty man.....Being sincere softens hurt and earns respect.....
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Aug 11, 2010 10:52 PM GMT
    Sometimes, anger can come from the other guy if there are mixed signals given from the object of the affection. I have been on both side of this coin lol.
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    Aug 11, 2010 11:39 PM GMT
    rf_dal saidSo, what do you do when you meet someone and on your side the attraction just isn't there, but on theirs it definitely is? How do you gently let them know what amounts to "thanks but no thanks"? I must be doing it wrong, because people end up angry.. I try to be as nice as possible, but if it's not there it's not there you know?


    Think of how you would want to be told if the shoe was on the other foot and act accordingly
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    Aug 11, 2010 11:46 PM GMT
    mybud saidYou do it with honesty man.....Being sincere softens hurt and earns respect.....


    Yeah totally. And once you're mature/self aware to do that, it also takes you closer to finding what you really want, at least in my experience.

    The only time I ever gave/received hassle was when lies/excuses were involved.

    So if you're the kinda guy who thinks it's less hurtful to come out with bullshit like, you're too young/old/I'm just not ready for this right now (leaving false hope in your wake)/it's me, not you/I'm just not fully over my ex just yet ... think on.

    A simple/authentic, "sorry, but this isn't what I'm looking for, and I don't have those feelings for you, so this isn't going anywhere" will suffice. Adding, "you're a cool guy" or words to that effect helps too. Delivered affectionately/pragmatically, too, of course.


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    Aug 12, 2010 10:10 AM GMT
    viveutvivas said
    mybud saidYou do it with honesty man.....Being sincere softens hurt and earns respect.....


    Not when the honest truth is "You're too old", "You're bad in bed", or something equally hurtful. Sometimes the odd little white lie is the kinder thing to do.


    If it's cos he's "too old" for you, you really shouldn't have gotten into that mess in the first place.

    If the only problem is that he's "bad in bed", you can just say "we're not sexually compatible". And if that's the ONLY reason you can provide for something not working out, then best of luck with your search cos your so gonna need it.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Aug 12, 2010 10:15 AM GMT
    Brit_Bloke said
    viveutvivas said
    mybud saidYou do it with honesty man.....Being sincere softens hurt and earns respect.....


    Not when the honest truth is "You're too old", "You're bad in bed", or something equally hurtful. Sometimes the odd little white lie is the kinder thing to do.


    If it's cos he's "too old" for you, you really shouldn't have gotten into that mess in the first place.

    If the only problem is that he's "bad in bed", you can just say "we're not sexually compatible". And if that's the ONLY reason you can provide for something not working out, then best of luck with your search cos your so gonna need it.


    Completely agree.

    The "too old thing" is not going to wash as his age was never a factor to start off with in the first place, why is it an issue now?

    Age should be irrelevant imho.


  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 12, 2010 10:20 AM GMT
    Unfortunately rejection is rejection
    and sometimes trying to avoid and twist the inevitable into something that will not be hurtful to him and make you feel good at the sametime
    makes it worse
    Best be as honest and polite as possible
    Something along the lines of Thanks You're a great guy but I'm looking to stay single for now
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    Aug 12, 2010 10:58 AM GMT
    Best way to let them know as soon as possible and as directly as possible. I would much rather prefer to know that someone is not interested than the game of ignoring each other.
    Though I have seen people taking it really badly when you are direct. So no easy way out, just tell them how you feel and leave it upto them to feel how they think will be easier for them to get over it.
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    Aug 12, 2010 11:00 AM GMT
    Tell him you're straight
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Aug 12, 2010 12:07 PM GMT
    I think that honesty is the best policy, and that it is unfair to both parties to simply avoid the issue. If you are sincere and polite about it, and the other guy still gets upset, that's not something that you need to carry with you--it's simply his way of processing rejection.
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    Aug 12, 2010 12:16 PM GMT
    Brit_Bloke said So if you're the kinda guy who thinks it's less hurtful to come out with bullshit like, you're too young/old/I'm just not ready for this right now (leaving false hope in your wake)/it's me, not you/I'm just not fully over my ex just yet ... think on.

    "It's me, not you" has to be the most patronizing line ever invented. Not only would the other guy be hurt by the rejection, he'd be enraged by the insult to his intelligence.
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Aug 12, 2010 12:53 PM GMT
    If it is only a handful of dates then a simple but honest answer will do.
    There is no need then for a white lie.

    The gay community is small, we have a smaller degree of seperation and people talk.
    He will find out the truth eventually and then it would be worse as if it were to come from you.

    It might be something that he could fix or work on...hell if I was to dumped because of something that I could possibly change I would like to know about it.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 12, 2010 12:55 PM GMT
    I would be clear and straightforward and honest. No bullshit.
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    Aug 12, 2010 12:57 PM GMT
    Kage saidIt might be something that he could fix or work on...hell if I was to dumped because of something that I could possibly change I would like to know about it.
    Very good point.
    Being turned down a few times was part of my motivation (among many other factors) to get back in shape.
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    Aug 12, 2010 1:06 PM GMT
    marcobruno1978 saidKeep it short, sweet and polite.

    A few things you can say:

    1. I'm not emotionally available right now.
    2. You're a great guy but I think we can only be friends at most.
    3. I am flattered by your attention, but I just want to be honest: I don't see this as an amorous relationship.
    4. Would you mind if we kept this relationship strictly a friendship?
    5. Sorry, but I don't see this relationship working. I can't really explain it.

    I don't think there is any way that you can get around the feelings of rejection. Some may accept it and move on, most will be hurt, and some may turn it into a friendship. It is the cruel reality of dating.

    But in the long-term, I think *reasonable* people appreciate direct, upfront communication.


    #4 works well.

    I have heard that the word 'but', should never be used in a sentence, because it negates anything that you said right before it. like #3. You weren't flattered. It turns the intention of what you were trying to say completely 180 degrees around.

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    Aug 12, 2010 1:11 PM GMT
    wi2sd said
    marcobruno1978 saidKeep it short, sweet and polite.

    A few things you can say:

    1. I'm not emotionally available right now.
    2. You're a great guy but I think we can only be friends at most.
    3. I am flattered by your attention, but I just want to be honest: I don't see this as an amorous relationship.
    4. Would you mind if we kept this relationship strictly a friendship?
    5. Sorry, but I don't see this relationship working. I can't really explain it.

    I don't think there is any way that you can get around the feelings of rejection. Some may accept it and move on, most will be hurt, and some may turn it into a friendship. It is the cruel reality of dating.

    But in the long-term, I think *reasonable* people appreciate direct, upfront communication.


    #4 works well.

    I have heard that the word 'but', should never be used in a sentence, because it negates anything that you said right before it. like #3. You weren't flattered. It turns the intention of what you were trying to say completely 180 degrees around.



    Au contraire - I've dumped people and still been very flattered indeed by their affections. One,of my first, a v. masculine, rugby built bloke who's now a policeman used to call me "blue eyes" and I found that very endearing.

    Unfortunately he was really, reall, and I mean really booooooooring.

    I mean, even his sexy, deeper than the deep blue sea voice started to great on me - we're talking m-o-n-o-t-o-n-e here.

    That guy, I did indeed tell a white lie to - said I wasn't over my ex (which was actually a little bit true).

    When, about a year later, I fell in love with my now long-term boyf, he was like, "oh, blue eyes, why couldn't you have been over your ex a year ago?".

    I was like, "er, yeah, shame that." icon_rolleyes.gif