Taking a break from dating

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    Aug 13, 2010 1:01 AM GMT
    So here's where I am in a nutshell.

    27, my longest relationship has lasted 8 months and that was about two years ago. Still living at home with my mom and stepdad. Trying to pay off as much debt as possible before I go.

    Have had guys come and go over the years, but nothing that lasted over 3 months. The last guy I went on a date with, about a week ago lied about his age to the tune of a decade. I told him had I known his real age I probably wouldn't have agreed to travel almost 2 hours to meet him. That said, I think I should take a break from dating.

    The gay bar / club scene really isn't my place, my personality type is closer to INFP/INT meaning I'm more of an introvert. I met a guy there once, we hung out at his aunt's house for a party and I had a pretty good time. However as the following week went on he made almost no effort to see how I was doing, get together, etc. I spent the whole weekend hoping we could get to know each other better only to be let down when he just wanted to go out for drinks late night Sunday when I to be up at 6 for work the following morning.

    Then I met other people who weren't right for various reasons, overweight and lots of loose sagging skin, too young, and two others who lied about their age. One by about 15 years and the other 6. I got dumped by a nice guy a few months ago for not being verse. Spoken to other guys who only wanted to have sex and could care less about anything else. Seems like I've made so much effort with little to show for it. The guys I'm interested in I message and almost never get a reply back from, even a simple hello.

    So I'm thinking I should take a break from dating and figure out what I want out of life and just focus on enjoying the solo life. If I met someone I was really into that would be great. Now I don't think it's healthy for me to keep looking for something that just isn't there.

    I do get really lonely at times. Lost my grandmother who basically raised me at 16 and my dad at 20. Parents got divorced when I was 14. For much of my life I saw relationships that didn't work well and knew I wanted better in my own life.

    Now, having been dating / experimenting with men for 6 years I find myself wondering what the next step is. I know people my age with kids, or who are getting married, moving in together and the like. I feel like I'm up against a brick wall progress-wise.

    Anyone else here have any similar experiences? How did it work out for you?
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    Aug 13, 2010 3:05 AM GMT
    Sounds like you've had some pretty bad luck! Yes I'ma kinda in the same position, I was in a three and a half year relationship with a guy. Long story short we broke up three months ago, and I'm finding it so hard to date and even remotely meet guys I'm into.

    Sometimes when you stop looking, that person that sweeps you off your feet finds you. You're still young! You will find someone.
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    Aug 13, 2010 3:12 AM GMT
    The most amazing and wonderful man on earth, whom I happen to have the great pleasure of calling my boyfriend was first my friend for about 7 months. I didn't go looking for him somewhere, it just happened as we grew to know each other. I believe that is the best way towards a relationship. Surround yourself with good friends, (gay and straight) and you and Mr. Right will find each other.
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    Aug 13, 2010 4:35 AM GMT
    The guys are right realmac. For me, it was a long haul, from 18 to 34 when I met Bill.

    Have fun, meet people. Some will see you as a catch and take you on. Some of those you won't be interested in, so be friends and treat them like you'd want to be treated.
    Others you'll find attractive and the two of you will try to make it. But there's no guarantees with that. The journey is the thing. You learn as you go, and so do they.

    ...and of course you can always come here to share events and personal stories, and find a few ready shoulders when you're frustrated, as most of us have been at one time or another.


    hang in ! -Doug
  • DrewT

    Posts: 1327

    Aug 13, 2010 6:24 AM GMT
    I'm sorry! Don't worry, hon, you're not alone in that. My longest relationship with another guy was when I was 18 and it lasted about 4 months or so. Since then I've been on a few dates, not many. You have to date to find people, you have to meet people to meet them. It seems a bit strange, but it's true.

    I'm very much an introvert myself. I don't like sticking my neck out because most of the time it ends up turning to garbage. If I do go on a date I never expect anything more and I always tell myself it's not a date therefore I do not get disappointed. And of course I confuse myself.

    Right now I'm not dating actively, nor am I searching really. It takes effort to meet guys and learn about them. It depends on how you meet them, from where, etc. If you're on a primarily hook-up site, you won't find a STR or a LTR. You'll find one night stands. I don't know much about relationship sites, but it is always an option to try them.

    In the meantime, you can improve your outlook on life. Right now, I'm not worried about finding a boyfriend or partner. I'm worried about what I have on my plate, and what I can do to make myself a better person overall. I've just started being comfortable being alone, and at the end of the day you always have just yourself. Comfort with you leads to comfort with others.

    *hugs*
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    Aug 13, 2010 7:06 AM GMT
    Sounds like it's universal problem with us gay men. Too many lie about their age which doesn't make sense. If you look good, it would only be a plus to NOT lower one's age. Those who look very hot and are often cocky, well why bother?! It's a lot of luck to find the right person. Good luck to all.
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    Aug 13, 2010 7:16 AM GMT
    What will taking a break accomplish? To get good at the game you have to play the game. And yes, dating is a game. You will meet a lot of people who are horrible, horrible, no good people. If driving two hours to be disappointed is your biggest regret then count yourself lucky.

    You are not going to figure out what you want and need out of a relationship by being alone. You become a good boxer by boxing other people. You become good at relationships by being in relationships. Get out there and date! You seem to be meeting people just online. Diversify. Join clubs, make friends, network. That is the only way you are going to find someone worth dating.
  • Classyboy04

    Posts: 497

    Aug 13, 2010 7:17 AM GMT
    So sorry to hear that. I am there with you 2. Sometimes I feel like if something is wrong with me but then I have to wake myself up cause I know its not me. You are a great guy and one day people are going to realize that
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    Aug 13, 2010 10:34 AM GMT
    In spite of what others said, I agree with your decision to take a break from dating.
    Focus on yourself for awhile, pull yourself together, become happy with yourself (it may even take a few years), then start dating again when you feel ready. Because if you're not happy with yourself, no one else will be either.
    I wish you the best of luck and lots of happiness. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 13, 2010 10:44 AM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidWhat will taking a break accomplish? To get good at the game you have to play the game. And yes, dating is a game. You will meet a lot of people who are horrible, horrible, no good people. If driving two hours to be disappointed is your biggest regret then count yourself lucky.

    You are not going to figure out what you want and need out of a relationship by being alone. You become a good boxer by boxing other people. You become good at relationships by being in relationships. Get out there and date! You seem to be meeting people just online. Diversify. Join clubs, make friends, network. That is the only way you are going to find someone worth dating.


    Eh, taking a break from dating sometimes is a good idea. I had some personal goals I wanted to accomplish, heartbreak to heal from, and growing to do. I owned up to the last two (which for me was rough) and worked hard to become who I am now, who I feel is a much more dateable person that I was 8 months ago. I'm not saying don't go out and meet people to hang out with friend wise, but if you feel like you shouldn't date, then it might not be a bad idea.
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    Aug 13, 2010 11:26 AM GMT
    Thanks for all your words of support. I need to work on my social group and doing things that really get me juiced. I do have a couple gay friends here and there, but one only seems to contact me when he wants to go out. He also is constantly trying to / getting laid so maybe not the type I'd best benefit from being around right now, lol. Another is an ex of mine that has no shame in calling me out on some of the guys I've met.

    It's a work in progress, what can I say? icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 02, 2010 5:22 AM GMT
    Figured you all were kind enough to reply so I'll give you an update. Ok so I'm dating again. Was rather unexpected. I kept checking his profile out, but was too shy to say anything. Then he messaged me and we started chatting online. Felt some kind of connection right away.

    Then when we met in person I really experienced the mutual attraction. We seem to have a lot in common and he is a total hottie looking for a relationship. I'm taking it one day at a time, not expecting anything but also surprised when things happen... icon_smile.gif