Dating and disclosing that I am HIV+

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    Aug 14, 2010 3:11 AM GMT
    I am having a really tough time with this and want to hear from others. Could anyone let me know when is the best time to talk about being pos. 1st date? or when things get serious? I would like perspectives from pos & neg guys. Thanks
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    Aug 14, 2010 8:06 AM GMT
    i suppose that some guys wud want to know right away so as to disclude you from their list, others wud want to know right away so that they have time to consider things, and still other wud want to know when things got serious. it depends on the person. i wud say being open wud at least save u time in not wasting it on people who were just gonna drop outta sight the moment they found out. yes that means ur prolly not gonna get a lot of second dates, but its easier. i wud wanna know off the bat, so i had time to figure out if i had feelings for the guy that wud make putting myself in that situation worth it. ie the extra precautions, and all that goes with being with someone pos. i admit i am fearfula bout it, but i realise that its part ignorance and a lack of education on the subject, but also from experience i know that i am at least more open to the idea.
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    Aug 14, 2010 8:12 AM GMT
    I dated a guy who was positive, he told me right before the first time we kissed... which was the first date, but second time we hung out. I appreciated that. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
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    Aug 14, 2010 8:15 AM GMT
    Be straightforward. There are people who dont want to date HIV+ guys but there are also others who wouldnt mind. Like me! I dont mind dating HIV+ guys as long as they dont pass it on to me icon_smile.gif You just need to be a bit more careful
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    Aug 14, 2010 8:54 AM GMT
    I.got a friend phones positive and to be honest I did jot care because he told me up front and I researched it and found it other careful and use precaution it is hard to get but I would prolly date a positive guy if he was up front and thought about my health also. I even joined a job dating site because to me ppl with it are now more mature so to me they r easier to talk to
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    Aug 14, 2010 9:20 AM GMT
    are u recently poz?
    well there is no "best time"
    its going to be diff and akward every time
    its not like telling people where your from

    try to aim for being upfront with people,they,ll apreciate it
    1 of several things can happen then , either they head for the hills
    or they ask tons of questions and then head for the hills
    or they stick around and get to know you

    assume others are poz as well, or they might not know

  • mynyun

    Posts: 1346

    Aug 14, 2010 9:26 AM GMT
    danielvn saidBe straightforward. There are people who don't want to date HIV+ guys but there are also others who wouldn't mind. Like me! I don't mind dating HIV+ guys as long as they don't pass it on to me icon_smile.gif You just need to be a bit more careful



    I feel the same way. I mean my family probably would NOT like the idea but they wouldn't be dating the guy. I would be. I don't know if I'd do it on the first date but I'd do it somewhere in the beginning. So that it doesn't seem like you are trying it hide it. Not insinuating that one would be hiding it just saying.

    I generally don't kiss on the first date anyway but then again........... I was with someone on a first date and it ended up with me in his car after several drinks with us groping each other about 2 hours before I had to go to work.
    icon_rolleyes.gificon_redface.gif
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    Aug 14, 2010 11:52 PM GMT
    Jentlmn saidI am having a really tough time with this and want to hear from others. Could anyone let me know when is the best time to talk about being pos. 1st date? or when things get serious? I would like perspectives from pos & neg guys. Thanks


    I vote for telling people right from the getgo. It's better to be turned down first instead of turned down later. You have to remember HIV is a serious disease. I underwent a cancer operation that left me without the ability to ejaculate... Humiliating but, true. My cancer was more than likely HIV related and I don't doubt the list goes on and on. Be more concerned about taking care of yourself rather than being turned down. I know it gets enormously depressing and I have lost the hope I once had that there would be a cure.
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    Aug 14, 2010 11:56 PM GMT
    Jentlmn saidI am having a really tough time with this and want to hear from others. Could anyone let me know when is the best time to talk about being pos. 1st date? or when things get serious? I would like perspectives from pos & neg guys. Thanks


    I let them know right off the bat. No surprises... That way I don't waste any energy in someone who is going to have an issue with it.
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    Aug 14, 2010 11:59 PM GMT
    i dated a guy with Poz and Undetectable and he told me right away ... it was nice because we knew things would be a bit different icon_razz.gif
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    Aug 15, 2010 12:05 AM GMT
    [quote]Be more concerned about taking care of yourself rather than being turned down. I know it gets enormously depressing and I have lost the hope I once had that there would be a cure. [/quote]

    I know for a lot of people it can be depressing. For me, I took it as a wake up call to take care of myself a lot better. I refuse to be a statistic and plan to be around when they find a cure, or at least a way to prevent transmission. I am going to be one of those guys who dies from old age rather than HIV/AIDS. Attitude is everything... The better you feel about yourself, the better you take care of yourself and carry yourself in a positive manner, chances are your going to be fine finding the right guy. I always felt that if I lived a sad life, who the hell would want to be with me? Poz or not? But keeping your chin up, having a positive attitude, you wont have a problem finding that relationship.
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    Aug 15, 2010 12:07 AM GMT
    Always be honest guys...I value that and at least in my case, HIV+ is NOT a deal breaker. Breaking my trust is!
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    Aug 15, 2010 12:16 AM GMT
    Jentlmn saidI am having a really tough time with this and want to hear from others. Could anyone let me know when is the best time to talk about being pos. 1st date? or when things get serious? I would like perspectives from pos & neg guys. Thanks


    You have a moral obligation to provide anyone whom you might have a intimate situation with to provide all the information about your illness up front. It's not your choice to decide whether, or not, they should manage that risk. In a sexual situation is NOT the time to tell someone as our brains don't think clearly in those situations, even if not intoxicated, and so on. EVERYONE has the right to an informed decision BEFORE being with someone who is ill and the carrier of a potentially LETHAL disease.

    Anything less than FULL DISCLOSURE prior to any meeting that could lead to intimacy is WRONG, and derelict on your part. Robbing someone else of the opportunity to make an informed decision is nothing short of criminal.

    Remember, in 2010, it's VERY HARD for a prudent person to get HIV. It happens to those who are I,I,I,me,me,me, in nature and who fail to take responsibility for their own health.

    You need to lead by example and NOT let one more person suffer your own fate. To do otherwise is incredibly selfish.

    The way to control the disease is with isolation, and containment, for now. Perhaps at some point in the future, that will be different, but, that's nor the case today.

    You wouldn't invite folks over if you had the herpes zoster virus (chicken pox and shingles) and you sure should have that same level of common sense with a virus that has an ultimate outcome of premature death. USE SOME COMMON SENSE, and think with your big head.

    Remember, that, unless you got your HIV through a blood transfusion or child birth, it was NEGLECT and brazen risk taking that got you into your current situation. You need to take that lesson forward, and be a leader, instead of an ongoing taker.
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    Aug 15, 2010 12:37 AM GMT
    chuckystud said
    Jentlmn saidI am having a really tough time with this and want to hear from others. Could anyone let me know when is the best time to talk about being pos. 1st date? or when things get serious? I would like perspectives from pos & neg guys. Thanks


    You have a moral obligation to provide anyone whom you might have a intimate situation with to provide all the information about your illness up front. It's not your choice to decide whether, or not, they should manage that risk. In a sexual situation is NOT the time to tell someone as our brains don't think clearly in those situations, even if not intoxicated, and so on. EVERYONE has the right to an informed decision BEFORE being with someone who is ill and the carrier of a potentially LETHAL disease.

    Anything less than FULL DISCLOSURE prior to any meeting that could lead to intimacy is WRONG, and derelict on your part. Robbing someone else of the opportunity to make an informed decision is nothing short of criminal.

    Remember, in 2010, it's VERY HARD for a prudent person to get HIV. It happens to those who are I,I,I,me,me,me, in nature and who fail to take responsibility for their own health.

    You need to lead by example and NOT let one more person suffer your own fate. To do otherwise is incredibly selfish.

    The way to control the disease is with isolation, and containment, for now. Perhaps at some point in the future, that will be different, but, that's nor the case today.

    You wouldn't invite folks over if you had the herpes zoster virus (chicken pox and shingles) and you sure should have that same level of common sense with a virus that has an ultimate outcome of premature death. USE SOME COMMON SENSE, and think with your big head.

    Remember, that, unless you got your HIV through a blood transfusion or child birth, it was NEGLECT and brazen risk taking that got you into your current situation. You need to take that lesson forward, and be a leader, instead of an ongoing taker.
    There is SO much in this post that is utter BS and incorrect information..
    I dont EVEN know where to begin..
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    Aug 15, 2010 1:12 AM GMT
    chuckystud said
    Jentlmn saidI am having a really tough time with this and want to hear from others. Could anyone let me know when is the best time to talk about being pos. 1st date? or when things get serious? I would like perspectives from pos & neg guys. Thanks


    You have a moral obligation to provide anyone whom you might have a intimate situation with to provide all the information about your illness up front. It's not your choice to decide whether, or not, they should manage that risk. In a sexual situation is NOT the time to tell someone as our brains don't think clearly in those situations, even if not intoxicated, and so on. EVERYONE has the right to an informed decision BEFORE being with someone who is ill and the carrier of a potentially LETHAL disease.

    Anything less than FULL DISCLOSURE prior to any meeting that could lead to intimacy is WRONG, and derelict on your part. Robbing someone else of the opportunity to make an informed decision is nothing short of criminal.

    Remember, in 2010, it's VERY HARD for a prudent person to get HIV. It happens to those who are I,I,I,me,me,me, in nature and who fail to take responsibility for their own health.

    You need to lead by example and NOT let one more person suffer your own fate. To do otherwise is incredibly selfish.

    The way to control the disease is with isolation, and containment, for now. Perhaps at some point in the future, that will be different, but, that's nor the case today.

    You wouldn't invite folks over if you had the herpes zoster virus (chicken pox and shingles) and you sure should have that same level of common sense with a virus that has an ultimate outcome of premature death. USE SOME COMMON SENSE, and think with your big head.

    Remember, that, unless you got your HIV through a blood transfusion or child birth, it was NEGLECT and brazen risk taking that got you into your current situation. You need to take that lesson forward, and be a leader, instead of an ongoing taker.


    Chucky if there is anyone on this site who is "I, I, I, me, me, me" it is you, you, you. You constantly need to cruelly pontificate and pass judgements on others, completely uncaring as to whether or not your words hurt. You're nothing but a bully who obviously never got over being harshly taunted himself as a child, and now deals with it by putting down others (the only other people you hate more than HIV+ people who are considering having sex with an HIV- person are people with weight issues).

    And Chucky, you ARE wrong -- everyone is responsible for THEIR OWN sexual health. If the other person doesn't bring up the issue of safe sex, then you should. In the meantime, everyone needs to educate themselves on HIV from a reliable source. Everyone should be practicing safer sex regardless -- in the event that a "I'm negative" answer is incorrect due to either due to dishonesty or honest unawareness. If someone is not prepared to do this, then they should stop having casual sex all together.

    As for the OP: My suggestion is to wait until after the first date (no sex on the first date, of course). If you like the guy, and you sense he likes you, then you can tell him before the next date. The two of you can proceed from there. Otherwise, if you sense there is no chemistry, you don't have to reveal personal information to someone whom it doesn't matter.
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    Aug 15, 2010 1:50 AM GMT
    Damn, I really have been going about this the wrong way... I do to an extent feel it is my business and it use to be more common that I would be asked anyways. Sometimes if I have no intention of having sex I do find I shouldn't have to explain myself. Now that everyone knows I figure I might as well get involved with it as a Cause which is why I plan to perform for AidsWalk.
  • Buffd46

    Posts: 3

    Sep 20, 2010 12:57 AM GMT
    I think that you should tell people up front, and not wait for a date that you are positive or negative. This is a very serious matter and you don't want anyone saying that you got this disease from him etc. I lost a very close friend from aids because he was invovled in a long term relationship where he was not aware his parnter was having affairs on the side and made him sick.My friend thought that after being in a relationship for 14 years, he could trust him. The bottom line is he was having sex and keeping it hush, hush.Which means, if you are in a relationship...you still need to protect yourself cause your lover may not be telling you the truth. For years I told my close friend that if you are not having sex with you lover on a regular basis, that could equate to happening else where. Be aware!
  • gsh1964

    Posts: 388

    Sep 20, 2010 1:03 AM GMT
    Be up front and honest.
    It's the right thing to do.

    Besides, the guy you start dating may be struggeling with when to tell you that he's poz.
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    Sep 21, 2010 5:54 AM GMT
    chuckystud said
    Jentlmn said

    Remember, in 2010, it's VERY HARD for a prudent person to get HIV. It happens to those who are I,I,I,me,me,me, in nature and who fail to take responsibility for their own health.

    You need to lead by example and NOT let one more person suffer your own fate. To do otherwise is incredibly selfish.

    The way to control the disease is with isolation, and containment, for now. Perhaps at some point in the future, that will be different, but, that's nor the case today.

    You wouldn't invite folks over if you had the herpes zoster virus (chicken pox and shingles) and you sure should have that same level of common sense with a virus that has an ultimate outcome of premature death. USE SOME COMMON SENSE, and think with your big head.

    Remember, that, unless you got your HIV through a blood transfusion or child birth, it was NEGLECT and brazen risk taking that got you into your current situation. You need to take that lesson forward, and be a leader, instead of an ongoing taker.


    Your clinical view on HIV prevention sounds like the same failed view of the disease that has kept HIV among young men rising. If HIV were a purely clinical issue and everyone thought like you, the clinical prevention attitude of the last 20 years wouldn't be so lethargic. This attitude toward HIV isn't working precisely because it doesn't take into the face that we are real, emotional, sometimes broken, not always clinically-thinking human beings. We are people and we are complicated and HIV is more complicated and new prevention efforts should be made that focus on the more complicated people issues that lead gay guys to make bad decisions.


    To the original post, I say that immediate full disclosure has worked for me to protect myself emotionally. Say it right away, and all the complexities disappear.
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    Sep 21, 2010 6:03 AM GMT
    Anytime before the first sex is a good time. It's a good test to see who is and isn't worth your time. It's a good filter for driving away the shallow. If somebody is going to run away because you're poz, they will run away under any kind of adverse situation. I don't have time for people who turn tail at the sign of tough times. I think those kind are called "fair weather friends". But then again I'm kind of a "tough old bird" after living with HIV for 26 years.
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    Sep 21, 2010 6:12 AM GMT
    chuckystud said
    Jentlmn saidI am having a really tough time with this and want to hear from others. Could anyone let me know when is the best time to talk about being pos. 1st date? or when things get serious? I would like perspectives from pos & neg guys. Thanks


    You have a moral obligation to provide anyone whom you might have a intimate situation with to provide all the information about your illness up front. It's not your choice to decide whether, or not, they should manage that risk. In a sexual situation is NOT the time to tell someone as our brains don't think clearly in those situations, even if not intoxicated, and so on. EVERYONE has the right to an informed decision BEFORE being with someone who is ill and the carrier of a potentially LETHAL disease.

    Anything less than FULL DISCLOSURE prior to any meeting that could lead to intimacy is WRONG, and derelict on your part. Robbing someone else of the opportunity to make an informed decision is nothing short of criminal.

    Remember, in 2010, it's VERY HARD for a prudent person to get HIV. It happens to those who are I,I,I,me,me,me, in nature and who fail to take responsibility for their own health.

    You need to lead by example and NOT let one more person suffer your own fate. To do otherwise is incredibly selfish.

    The way to control the disease is with isolation, and containment, for now. Perhaps at some point in the future, that will be different, but, that's nor the case today.

    You wouldn't invite folks over if you had the herpes zoster virus (chicken pox and shingles) and you sure should have that same level of common sense with a virus that has an ultimate outcome of premature death. USE SOME COMMON SENSE, and think with your big head.

    Remember, that, unless you got your HIV through a blood transfusion or child birth, it was NEGLECT and brazen risk taking that got you into your current situation. You need to take that lesson forward, and be a leader, instead of an ongoing taker.



    Remember, in 2010, it's VERY HARD for a prudent person to get HIV. It happens to those who are I,I,I,me,me,me, in nature and who fail to take responsibility for their own health.

    You need to lead by example and NOT let one more person suffer your own fate. To do otherwise is incredibly selfish.

    The way to control the disease is with isolation, and containment, for now. Perhaps at some point in the future, that will be different, but, that's nor the case today.

    You wouldn't invite folks over if you had the herpes zoster virus (chicken pox and shingles) and you sure should have that same level of common sense with a virus that has an ultimate outcome of premature death. USE SOME COMMON SENSE, and think with your big head.

    Remember, that, unless you got your HIV through a blood transfusion or child birth, it was NEGLECT and brazen risk taking that got you into your current situation. You need to take that lesson forward, and be a leader, instead of an ongoing taker.[/quote]


    Good Grief...it's Dr. Phil again on his ivory soapbox!

    To the OP's question....be upfront about it. Being POZ is a treatable condition and depending on YOUR outlook on life...you'll likely die of old age and PLEASE never digest the drivel you may read about a potentially lethal disease. There are many, healthy men out there who are under a doctor's care and yes, taking their meds and very fit, healthy and productive in society and NOT ready to make plans for their funeral.

    Take the initiative with whomever you decide to date about your status. If it's an issue with the other guy, move on.

    Good Luck!
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Sep 21, 2010 6:33 AM GMT
    An individual's disclosure policy is certainly a personal choice and I don't feel comfortable advising anyone on theirs, but I can share from my own experience.

    When I first started dating I would tell people right away. This was more for my benefit because I just wanted to get rejection out of the way if it was coming [pull the band aid off]. Although I never had any immediate bad reactions, the disclosure made for wierd dinner conversation and ended up being all about HIV which is not really what I care to talk about on a first date [an important topic for sure, but I would like to get to know the guy in front of me also]. The disclosure tipped the conversation to being all about my story and I got tired of it.

    After six years of dating, I started to hold back a bit on when I told people. I don't jump into the sack on the first date, second, or third for that matter. Pushing off the intimacy allows me some breathing space to make certain I am not disclosing my private medical information to every psycho bad date in the city. I tend to date toward a relationship and knowing that I wasn't putting anyone's health at risk, I felt comfortable waiting.

    The one thing I am most certain about in my disclosure policy is that before I "go there" with a guy we are having the conversation and there is no doubt that we are using protection. I just can't compromise on those two things [for my own health and theirs].

    Has worked out just fine so far.

    Be good to yourself and others while you figure out yours.

    - David icon_wink.gif
  • coastguy90814

    Posts: 661

    Sep 21, 2010 6:36 AM GMT
    Jentlmn saidI am having a really tough time with this and want to hear from others. Could anyone let me know when is the best time to talk about being pos. 1st date? or when things get serious? I would like perspectives from pos & neg guys. Thanks


    Absolutely 1st date.
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    Sep 21, 2010 6:45 AM GMT
    Bring it up before you accept a date or disclose it prior to asking someone on a date if you think they'll probably say yes. They might push away but I would think that is understandable. This is a serious matter in which disclosure should not be done strategically. I would, and I am sure most others, would appreciate it if you were upfront about it. I am sure its rough if a guy backs off after you tell him but its your responsibility to allow him to make the decision of whether he wants to knowingly be exposed to the virus or not.

    I know there are POZ guys who wait to disclose their status but decide not to after they get serious with a guy because of their fear of rejection. not cool. Its a hard but think of how much you would've appreciated it if you knew in advance about the guy who infected you.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Sep 21, 2010 11:51 AM GMT
    Sometimes you don't know who will get serious first. Maybe the neg guy likes you a whole lot more than you like him? Do you hold off because the feelings aren't there on your side? Do you ever use it as a I"m POZ this won't work I don't think?
    I must be a very struggling position to be in.