Overweight boyfriend

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2007 1:57 PM GMT
    My boyfriend is a little overweight because he eats a lot for dinner and then goes for a nap. He subscribed to the gym but always has excuses for not going because he works odd hours, tiredness etc.

    Lately, I've been having more and more difficulties to find him attractive. I've tried to tell him about it but the message does'nt get through. I see cute guys at the gym and I can't help looking at them.

    I don't know what to do. I like fit guys in shape and he knows that but, he does'nt do a thing to improve his look.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2007 3:35 PM GMT
    I'm sure there are more reasons you are with your partner than just his looks. I bet he loves you for more than just your looks as well.

    I can certainly understand being attracted to someone because of the way they look, but after you've been together for a while, things like trust, commitment and unconditional love tend to take priority. At least that's been my experience.

    Both my partner and I have no problem admiring great looking guys. In fact, very often, we point them out to each other. We both stay active and work out and we do it for the sake of being healthy.

    I'm guessing he is very aware of his weight gain and it sounds like he knows of your concern too. If possible, try to be patient and supportive. If you are not willing to hang in there, be honest with him. If I were in his shoes, I'd want to know.

    Good luck.
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    Jun 05, 2007 5:39 PM GMT
    I'm not a superficial guy but I like what I like and I don't like guys with 30-40 pounds overweight and big beer-belly. But, it's also true that I love him so, I'll be patient. I'll try to convince him to take care of his health and body (he smokes too).
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 05, 2007 6:08 PM GMT
    Talk to him, I'm assuming he doesn't frequent this website, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on this forum for him to see. Tell him what's on your mind, make him feel that you will help him be the person he want's to be. He could be in a state of depression, have you thought about that?
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    Jun 05, 2007 6:36 PM GMT
    Ultimately, your boyfriend is only going to start taking care of himself when he is motivated to do so for himself. It's good that you voice your concerns, but be prepared to have them ignored.

    In my own case, the words of those closest to me have meant nothing when I've been in self-destructive behavior patterns. My wife flat-out told me I was flabby and disgusting, and it had no effect. It wasn't until some anonymous bitchy queen on a webcam site told me that I needed a bra that I changed my diet and lost all the weight. Similarly, family concerns about my drinking did nothing to stop it. It took getting arrested for OWI/DUI for me to stop. Some folks just have to hit rock bottom before change will occur.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2007 6:56 PM GMT
    You might want to check that issue before it turns into something bigger. Even though we all like to pretend we're above it, looks do matter and well, we want our mate/bf/ptr/lover to maintain the look that attracted us to them in the first place. Of couse, should you tell your lover you think he's getting portly, he may tell you what you can do with your advice (i.e. stick it where the roses bloom), lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2007 10:07 PM GMT
    go out with him and look at guys with hot body make him jealous :D
    he will learn his leason
    i always try to make my bf jealous and he will have a better attitude
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2007 10:46 PM GMT
    I wonder if your boyfriend is bored,or depressed. Maybe try to spice up the relationship and bit and see which it may be? A long weekend trip somewhere nice, new furniture,paint the house, etc, something to break the routine and bring improvement. See if he's till eating and napping then. He might be hypoglycemic or beginning stage of diabetice also so a check up might be in order.

    He could be just depressed, closing off, not interested, eating and sleeping rather than the old activities that he once enjoyed. Sleeping is one of the most easy ways to avoid responsibility or pain. Again, a check up might be in order.

    Maybe he's not into you? He knows you like fit men, he's letting himself go, eats and goes to bed sounds like major avoidance. Go somewhere and talk without fear of judgment. It might be about more than his belly.

    Just some thoughts.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2007 10:53 PM GMT
    Thanks for your responses guys, it's appreciated !

    I've put a lot of photos of beautiful men as wallpapers on my computer just to show him the kind of guy I like. He was really cute when I first met him but since then...

    It's really strange because the more I improve my look, the worst he looks.

    He had nice brown hair, now he shaves it really really short because that way, he does'nt have to take long care of it.

    I'm trying to be patient but I feel that I'm running out of patience.
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    Jun 06, 2007 12:15 AM GMT
    I'd suggest forget the beautiful men wallpaper on the computer, put a picture of your BOYFRIEND as wall paper. A happy photo. Nothing makes a guy feel better than thinking he's special. Support your boyfriend, do what will bring you together. Fetish over other guys isn't very bonding in a relationship. Let him know you love the fu*k out of him!!! I bet he'd grin ear to ear to see you have HIS picture on your computer!

    maybe the photo will be when he was thinner. Talk about the photo and how happy you guys were then. Talk about how you want to be happy again.

    TALK TALK TALK. Forget sly suggestions. He is having an issue. Emotional, physical who knows. he's lacking interest and motivation. Something's up. TALK about it. Maybe he needs to see a doctor, a therapist, get a new job, what ever he's reacting to SOMETHING. Be his partner and talk and support him through this.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2007 1:48 AM GMT
    Thanks for the advice TuzaHu !
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 06, 2007 4:14 AM GMT
    Yes Capora, just talk to him!!! Once you two are on the same page then you will both know which way you need to go.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2007 7:02 AM GMT
    My bf is a little overweight, I actually I like it, means he`s not getting hit on as much. (I know it`s evil,) but it make me love him more, he all mine, and no one else wants him.

    I say fatten them up!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2007 8:59 AM GMT
    ^^^ hahahahaha ......gross

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2007 9:20 AM GMT
    *Turns red with embrassment.* ^ Sorry.
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    Jun 06, 2007 12:29 PM GMT
    I think I respond on this topic in another forum before. Well anyway, I used to go thru this before long ago when I start living with my first live in lover. When we first meet we are really just an average guy , he kinda to the cubby side . In the beginning of our relationship I really find him physically attractive. We be making love nearly every day and hardly can take our hand of each other. However he start to gain weight , and just like your bf now , dont do anything about it. On top of that he also want me to gain weight. He dont appreciate it if I do any cardio, go for jogging or even if I chose Diet Coke over Regular Coke. He sabotage my fitness program by bringing it fatty/greasy food like KFC (my weakness) and McDonald home at night and expect me to have it with him.

    Through out the years after he becoming more overweight (shall I say obess), I start to find him as he it. Fat and more fat. Eventhough I still love him I dont find him sexually attractive anymore. I become more and more sexually frustrated and start looking for other means of sexual fullfilment like mastubating and watching porno . About this time I start to cheat on him. I recontact with my old lover and one thing after another go to bed with him. I can still remember the sleazy motel that we go to one night , where I really let lose of my years of sexual frustation. That night must be the best sex I have in my entire life (I was smilling for week). This cheating and lying of course continue right until I finally broke up with him. However despite it all I stay in the relationship because we are pretty much depended on each other for survival(I was a Mc Donald crew person and he was my my manager).Each time I have sex with him is really just like full filling my responsibilty and something I got to do , not something I enjoy.

    I am not totaly at fault , for my dishonesty. I have make attempt to talk to him about losing weight but it he just dont listen. He know how attracted I was to muscular guy with nice ass and flat stomach (stuff that my old lover posses), yet he make no effort to work toward it.

    I know there other thing in the men that all of us are attracted to, but if you are sexually frustrated and young as I was , you just dont think that way. Sexual fulfillment are a major part of a relationship . It is both person responsibility to satisfies one another and to try to be as attractive as possible for the person we love.

    Maybe you should let you bf read this posting so he understand your frustration and start doing something about it. That if he really love you , of course!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2007 12:59 PM GMT
    Assuming he's your age 5 years, he (and you) may be in the throes of andropause.

    I suggest you google the term, and look on this site and elsewhere for information on hypogonadism and hormone replacement therapy.

    There's a standard 10-question quiz which is used to screen candidates for medical testing. It's fairly available online ~ including on our professional site - www.prime-fit.com - see the article on Testosterone.

  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Jun 07, 2007 12:09 AM GMT
    you wanna be in a relationship with this man..
    then be in one
    don't TELL him what he needs to do...
    he already knows that
    show him that it's in his best interest to do so
    that means be active WITH him
    go for walks by the beach
    take a nice bike ride with him
    go to the gym with him 2-3 times a week
    eat healthy foods at home
    ...because if you view him as a drag...why are you with him in the first place?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2007 12:16 AM GMT

    You hit the nail on the head! I agree 100%
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2007 12:17 AM GMT
    GQjock :

    All his energy and attention goes to work and there is almost nothing left for anything else.

    I've tried almost everything you mentionned and there's little results.

    Sometimes I'm asking myself that question.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2007 12:19 AM GMT
    CAP, You do the cooking! eat healthy.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Jun 07, 2007 11:28 AM GMT

    Looks like you've been trying to rectify the situation here, so well done for that.

    Looks like you need to do some communicating in this relationship.

    Maybe ask yourself a few questions. What do you get out of this relationship? How has it changed? Is it possible to save?

    Then sit down with your man and tell him how you feel.

    The bottom line is though. If he hasn't got the time to look after himself, or you, maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship and you both need to move on.

    Life is too short to hang on in there hoping for change.

    Good luck


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2007 3:06 PM GMT
    My boyfriend of a year cheated on me with a much thinner guy after I had put on some weight. That is what motivated me to get in shape. Even though I turned out a better person for it, I never forgave him and never will. It was one of the worst feelings in the world to know that I wasnt loved all along for my personality and my soul. Just to know that it was all about how I looked the whole time made me hate him for leading me on. The bottom line is, if you Love him then Love him for who he is. If you cant get past his physical appearance then maybe you dont really love him like you thought you did. If his physical appearance is bothering you then you need to come right out and say that to him. Chances are He will be the one breaking up with you. I know thats what I would have done to my boyfriend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2007 10:14 PM GMT
    I am the overweight boyfriend in my situation. My boyfriend of 5 months is very health and fitness concerned. I try but just can't be motivated to do it. Sometimes I feel bad because it seems like all he talks about is the fitter, more in shape guys he works with. My advice to you is to love him, because even if he's not in the best shape he really loves you and you mean a lot to him because if he's like me worrying about finding someone else that would like him even thought he is a little overweight is something that bothers him.
  • atxclimber

    Posts: 480

    Jun 07, 2007 10:23 PM GMT
    I think there was a Savage Love question about this once, and I agreed with Dan's response, which was that while yeah, it's nice to think we love someone just for what's inside, it's silly to pretend that there aren't physical qualities that appeal to our reptilian hind-brain at a level we can't control (and hence shouldn't bother feeling guilty about.)

    If your boyfriend got a sex change operation, for example, I don't think anyone would argue that you were a monster for not wanting to be with him anymore.

    Gaining weight is, obviously, far less drastic than a sex change operation, but the point is, it's not only what's "on the inside" that counts. You started dating someone, and that person changed. It's not unreasonable to feel like he's no longer the person you started dating.

    That said, to those who've been cheated on, that sucks. I don't think cheating is ever an acceptable response.

    But if your boyfriend has voluntarily changed in a way that means he's no longer physical attractive to you, it's totally reasonable to tell him that very plainly, and also obviously your prerogative to end the relationship if he chooses to remain as he is. I mean, you can end the relationship at any time for any reason, of course. But in this case, I think it'd be defensible as a reasonable thing to do. He's not the guy you started dating, and he's changed in a way that breaks the relationship for you.