Is it so bad to really want to a relationship with someone?

  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Aug 15, 2010 7:16 PM GMT
    i know this may sound like a stupid question, but is it so bad to want to be in a relationship? I am told all the time by my older gay friends, that to relax on the relationship you'll get one one day....yeah i get that. i really do believe me i do. get it got it done. but that doesn't help me now with wanting to be in one. i know it can happen someday, but i'd love one now. They say to be single and enjoy yourself, yeah i am, i have probably hooked up with one too many people in doing so. I admit I have a lot of partners for being 19/20.


    Overall my question is, you older gay guys, tell us younger ones all the time that you'll eventually get your relationship, which i understand we will, and you tell us to enjoy our single-ness.... but i've enjoyed my single-ness for the most part, fucking everything in sight just about, then why is it so wrong to want to just be with one person for a bit?

    hopefully this makes sense
  • jova

    Posts: 139

    Aug 15, 2010 7:19 PM GMT
    No it's the most beatifull thing you can share with someone.

    Anyway the feeling must there and that's the most difficult to have for a goergous relationship.
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    Aug 15, 2010 7:20 PM GMT
    nothing's wrong. i wanna be in a relationship all the time, i hate hookups. my young friends think i'm weird but i find it normal to want to be loved and to love.
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    Aug 15, 2010 7:21 PM GMT
    find better friends aka advisors
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    Aug 15, 2010 7:23 PM GMT
    Being single does not have to mean fucking everything in sight.
    Being single is best described as having a loving relationship with friends, hanging out, doing things you enjoy, and occasionally getting sexual satisfaction from one or more of those friends.
    That, to me, is the best way to be single. It's emotionally and sexually fulfilling, and does not require random hookups with strangers...though that can be enjoyed if you so desire because there's no jealousy in this type of relationship.
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    Aug 15, 2010 7:33 PM GMT
    hmmm...good points, guys. How about this; Bill and I always hoped and dreamed of/for a great relationship, and always gave whatever happened our best shot. Then, we met.

    That said, hopes and dreams are great things but need to kept in control. Like big stallions, they can run amok without a tight rein. To further the analogy, you can end up plunging through the countryside, being whipped by branches and even getting knocked out of the saddle. Lol, hope that makes sense!

    -Doug

    PS For the last considerable amount of time, I've dreamed of winning the big 50 million lottery. Our list of people we want to help is now pretty big and involves a number of guys here as well. When I think about it I bite down into a huge internal excitement. The happy relief I believe I'd be able to bring to these people makes my ol' heart beat quicker. Oh dear, Bill just read this and now he's getting all eye-blinking. icon_redface.gificon_redface.gificon_redface.gificon_redface.gif

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    Aug 15, 2010 8:55 PM GMT
    BuckYou saidnothing's wrong. i wanna be in a relationship all the time, i hate hookups. my young friends think i'm weird but i find it normal to want to be loved and to love.


    Second that. Looking for hook ups is also time consuming. Relationship can constantly satisfy the needs;)
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Aug 15, 2010 9:04 PM GMT
    Thanks for some insight, but I am very satisfied in my single life. I have a couple close friends and a lot of not so close friends. I am completely confident in walking into a bar or club by myself, i am fine eating a dinner all by myself. i feel i am fine just hanging around with me, i love hanging with me, still working on some things, but i can keep myself entertained very well. But now wanting to find someone to share that with.

    And I do ask people on dates, most of the time they are either looking for sex or just lose interest in me.

    So is that just how it all goes? just going on many dates to see if one clicks? And then also how high of standards should you set? I have a lot of things i look for in a mate, and some things i don't want. Should I just lose most of them and just see what's there?
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    Aug 15, 2010 9:04 PM GMT
    You are 19. You dont realize it now, but youre still a kid.

    Believe me...... in 4 or 5 years you will say... "what was I so worried about?"

    Calm down and let your life unfold. icon_smile.gif
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Aug 15, 2010 9:06 PM GMT
    I realize that! I really do, that's the thing I'm CONSTANTLY told. Yeah I get that I'm a kid, I have the freedom to be a kid, and I do most of the time, but when I'm told to just let my life unfold (which most of the time I do) I get the message that I shouldn't be wanting a relationship at my age.
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    Aug 15, 2010 9:07 PM GMT
    tbakes, try a jigsaw puzzle and see how many pieces you have to try before two fit together well. Neither one has to be perfect colours etc to interlock quite nicely. icon_wink.gif They just have to be a perfect fit.

    -Doug
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    Aug 15, 2010 9:08 PM GMT


    id rather be alone than be in something I'm half ass about and medicore about

    however - ive always really wanted someone in my life

    and it really pisses me off - that its like heracy if u say this to gay guys

    its like a sin to say u want a relationship - and for some reason a major turn off

    u def cant let someone know you stress or sweat them all day - or go on a first date and wanna jump 30 steps

    but theres def nothing wrong with knowing what you want .... i think gay dudes should be more receptive and open to the idea od a relationship

    fyi .. for me anyway ... a relationship dosent qualify as something u do while your still on your mahunt account or someone you go home to after a sex party .... but that's a whole other conversation.

    be proud of wanting a relationship - just watch how u handle it and dont scare em off
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Aug 15, 2010 9:16 PM GMT
    actually, your question reflects your age and depending on your emotional rationale it could be a bad thing. you sound like i did at your age, which quite frankly, about five years later, seems really stupid. there's nothing wrong with liking relationships and wanting to be in one, but i often find that younger guys don't really know what a relationship is and they create some grandeur in their mind. relationships are hard, they destroy you, and they're quite boring most of the time. at they same time, they are often some of the best times of your life. notice how you say you want to be in a relationship rather than be with a guy that you can have a great time with. i don't know if you have ever had a long relationship, but it doesn't sound as if you have. it's kinda hard to explain the ropes of a relationship to a person, but the best advice i can give is you're going to change and see yourself very differently over the years, and if there's one thing you can do, it's to learn to enjoy who you are on your own time.
  • JayDT

    Posts: 390

    Aug 15, 2010 9:19 PM GMT
    ZbmwM5 saidYou are 19. You dont realize it now, but youre still a kid.

    Believe me...... in 4 or 5 years you will say... "what was I so worried about?"

    Calm down and let your life unfold. icon_smile.gif


    Soooo so true.
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    Aug 15, 2010 9:26 PM GMT
    All advice is pretty much useless. Take what applies to you and discard all the optimistic touchy-feely bullshit.

    It's not bad to want a relationship. I don't have a foolproof method for finding a boyfriend...try not fucking on the first date. But don't be one of those guys that asks for commitment after the first date. No, "Where are we going?" or "Do you want to be serious?" or "If you're not up for a long-term relationship then don't waste my time." That's my huge turnoff lately. I could really go for an LTR right now, but my personal motto is "I don't do crazy." Talking about your relationship on the first date is a big heaping bag of crazy.
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Aug 15, 2010 9:34 PM GMT
    calibro saidactually, your question reflects your age and depending on your emotional rationale it could be a bad thing. you sound like i did at your age, which quite frankly, about five years later, seems really stupid. there's nothing wrong with liking relationships and wanting to be in one, but i often find that younger guys don't really know what a relationship is and they create some grandeur in their mind. relationships are hard, they destroy you, and they're quite boring most of the time. at they same time, they are often some of the best times of your life. notice how you say you want to be in a relationship rather than be with a guy that you can have a great time with. i don't know if you have ever had a long relationship, but it doesn't sound as if you have. it's kinda hard to explain the ropes of a relationship to a person, but the best advice i can give is you're going to change and see yourself very differently over the years, and if there's one thing you can do, it's to learn to enjoy who you are on your own time.



    You're right that I've never been in a long term relationship. And I may substitute the word relationship for someone to have a great time with. But I won't know how hard they really are until I'm in one. I don't want to just have other people tell me what I will experience, I don't do that, I am one of those people that have to screw it up or try it out to really get it. For me it makes my life more meaningful to me, if I do it my own way, on my own terms.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Aug 15, 2010 9:37 PM GMT
    Will something magically change when I turn 21 and now people will start looking at me as an adult? That's insane, it's not like im gonna change that much in 3 monthjs
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Aug 15, 2010 9:53 PM GMT
    viveutvivas said
    tbakes18 said
    And I do ask people on dates, most of the time they are either looking for sex or just lose interest in me.


    Welcome to the real world. Believe me, it take many dates to find someone worthwhile starting a relationship with. It is not something you decide to have and then have the next month, or even the next year or five. It takes time.



    My problem is it being a mutual feeling icon_sad.gif

    There's always a guy I like but he doens't like me in that way or at all

    Then the guy who liked me and I didn't like him, but you should never settle for less I guess

    Maybe if I were normal it would be easier icon_razz.gif lol jk
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    Aug 15, 2010 9:53 PM GMT
    Whenever you receive or follow anyone's advice, evaluate the source of the advice. Do you want to live a life like theirs?

    Like others have said, the "advice" you received was not necessarily complete or impartial. There are people who love hook-ups because they are afraid of or lack the time for commitment and sacrifice. They however provide instant gratification.

    However, there are also people like me, who absolutely have no care, need, or craving for mechanical, meaningless copulation. A relationship and a sexual experience with someone you truly respect, love, and care for fulfills you a lot more in the long-run. However, one warning: a relationship requires courage, conviction, commitment, and possibly some sacrifice to sustain it.

    How do you find a relationship? Yes date. But first, ask yourself if you truly want all the baggage that comes with a relationship. If the answer is yes, walk into a date with that mindset and make it clear to the other person that that is your focus even before you go on the first date. Other than that, enjoy the date. Laugh, flirt, talk, joke. Experience life. Some dates will result in friendships, some will just not work, and a few will result in relationships.

    As for requirements, stick to a few meaningful requirements that are MUSTS. And if the other person meets them, give them a chance.

  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Aug 15, 2010 10:40 PM GMT
    marcobruno1978 saidWhenever you receive or follow anyone's advice, evaluate the source of the advice. Do you want to live a life like theirs?

    Like others have said, the "advice" you received was not necessarily complete or impartial. There are people who love hook-ups because they are afraid of or lack the time for commitment and sacrifice. They however provide instant gratification.

    However, there are also people like me, who absolutely have no care, need, or craving for mechanical, meaningless copulation. A relationship and a sexual experience with someone you truly respect, love, and care for fulfills you a lot more in the long-run. However, one warning: a relationship requires courage, conviction, commitment, and possibly some sacrifice to sustain it.

    How do you find a relationship? Yes date. But first, ask yourself if you truly want all the baggage that comes with a relationship. If the answer is yes, walk into a date with that mindset and make it clear to the other person that that is your focus even before you go on the first date. Other than that, enjoy the date. Laugh, flirt, talk, joke. Experience life. Some dates will result in friendships, some will just not work, and a few will result in relationships.

    As for requirements, stick to a few meaningful requirements that are MUSTS. And if the other person meets them, give them a chance.




    Thank you, that makes a lot more sense. But from what a lot of people were telling me it made me feel like I had to give up wanting/searching for a relationship in order to finally get one.
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    Aug 15, 2010 10:56 PM GMT
    Wanting a relationship is not bad, and neither is not wanting one. It's all a matter of personal preference and your level of commitment. Age won't define your desire for a relationship. It's all a matter of if your ready. ... that and finding someone who likes you, lol icon_razz.gif
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    Aug 15, 2010 11:02 PM GMT
    tbakes18 saidi know this may sound like a stupid question, but is it so bad to want to be in a relationship? I am told all the time by my older gay friends, that to relax on the relationship you'll get one one day....yeah i get that. i really do believe me i do. get it got it done. but that doesn't help me now with wanting to be in one. i know it can happen someday, but i'd love one now. They say to be single and enjoy yourself, yeah i am, i have probably hooked up with one too many people in doing so. I admit I have a lot of partners for being 19/20.


    Overall my question is, you older gay guys, tell us younger ones all the time that you'll eventually get your relationship, which i understand we will, and you tell us to enjoy our single-ness.... but i've enjoyed my single-ness for the most part, fucking everything in sight just about, then why is it so wrong to want to just be with one person for a bit?

    hopefully this makes sense


    Someone once said that "You can't find Love because Love finds you." So relax and be patient. You're still young and you don't want to rush into a relationship that could potentially prove hurtful to you.icon_wink.gif
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    Aug 15, 2010 11:22 PM GMT
    tbakes18 said
    But from what a lot of people were telling me it made me feel like I had to give up wanting/searching for a relationship in order to finally get one.

    The way you put it suggests you're looking more for a relationship than for the right guy to have a relationship with. Reverse your priorities. First find the guy who's right for you and then the relationship will take care of itself.
    Be patient, don't rush what can't be rushed. Don't subject every guy you meet to the are-you-The-One checklist on the first date. Somebody will develop into The One after some shared experiences have taught you enough about each other.
    You will grow into it.
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Aug 15, 2010 11:35 PM GMT
    TexDef07 said
    tbakes18 said
    But from what a lot of people were telling me it made me feel like I had to give up wanting/searching for a relationship in order to finally get one.

    The way you put it suggests you're looking more for a relationship than for the right guy to have a relationship with. Reverse your priorities. First find the guy who's right for you and then the relationship will take care of itself.
    Be patient, don't rush what can't be rushed. Don't subject every guy you meet to the are-you-The-One checklist on the first date. Somebody will develop into The One after some shared experiences have taught you enough about each other.
    You will grow into it.


    I admit I do that often, I suppose a lot of people at my age do (the One checklist)... and I'm working on the slow part. Like I finally went on a date with this guy, he said he liked me a lot but was always afraid to talk to me, I said the same thing, I told him ultimately I search for something more than just sex, and he agreed. We both agreed on taking it slow, but my question is what is taking slow? Like I proved to myself I don't have to have sex right away with a guy, but does anyone know what is considered slow? is it a mindset? or what?
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    Aug 15, 2010 11:52 PM GMT
    You'll know if you're going at the right speed or not. It's also something the two of you have to agree on. My boyfriend was trying to throw the L word around a couple weeks after we decided to commit. I had to flat out tell him not to, that it was way too early for that.

    Actually, that's my advice. Don't get into a relationship until you can communicate exactly what you need from the other person, and be willing to compromise.