I've been in and out of these rooms for a LONG time... I mean, going to them and relating to these people have really become second nature to me.

Recently I had to move from a city where I was in walking distance to AA meetings and I have been realizing I need to go back to them. I am in the process of trying to move back to a city where I am close to these meetings again. It feels like forever long wait!

It's really hard to confess this shit to people but, in October of 2008 I had my final Cancer surgery and while at work, I was checking out some camping gear because I wanted to go fishing. Well, my boss comes up to me and asks me to do the impossible on a job and I got ticked off and quit. Soon after that I lost everything of course and I began getting drunk again. One day I got drunk in the morning but, at night I was completely sober (except for smoking some weed) and I tried to kill myself on a freeway and totaled my car... I mean, I wasn't even looking out for other people when I did this and I am SOOO damn glad I didn't hurt anyone.

Last year I was on state disability and my drinking progressed, I destroyed a computer I owned and really became a riot in and out of the rooms of AA. I didn't have the slightest clue that it needed to stop. Recently where I moved to I began really abusing drugs and alcohol and with kidneys that might be going bad... I am beginning to wonder how long I am going to survive. I DID stop the drugs with the help of going broke but, hey at least it worked.. I just keep thinking DAMN I really have to move to a closer location. I have a friend that is going to them but, he is too far to pick me up until I can move closer to him.

I have had Sponsor's... LOTS of them, I worked the steps up until sharing my inventory with them... I thought that was suppose to be it and then step 5 would just happen naturally although it never seemed to work out the way I thought it would... I usually give up right about then. I go back, observe what others are doing BUT STILL DON'T GET IT! I mean, WHAT IS THE EXACT NATURE OF SOMEONES WRONGS if that alone is suggesting it is ONE CERTAIN THING? I mean, I have searched my mind for what it could be but, I don't know what the hell it is!

I see a Psychiatrist, don't get me wrong but... AA was suppose to cure all that I thought too! I have also noticed I have regressed a LOT from how determined I use to be in revealing this STEP 5 to someone. Part of me wonders maybe for ME they are in the wrong order... Like maybe I am too smart for my own good. Then some meetings are so religious like that I clash with it's authority. I've gone to church, done all the things they suggest we do to fix the problem but, I still cannot deny these people were RIGHT about something. I don't KNOW what that something is!

Many times quite often I feel as though I confess myself as an Alcoholic but do not even BELIEVE this disease exists without SCIENTIFIC PROOF... Like the WHOLE thing should just be based upon that 5th step they go through... Some groups seem very spiritual to me and some groups just DON'T... So I forget that I believe it works even though I have never honestly tried it. I don't MIND introducing myself as an Alcoholic just to be respectful and not end up with a swarm of people wanting to know WHY I didn't introduce myself as one... Kind of like going to a Christian church but you aren't Christian. My IDEA of an Alcoholic differs just a little... To ME I always believed it was someone that had a serious drinking problem and desperately needs to talk about that problem. I probably wouldn't be so bad off if I DID learn that I have an allergy to drugs and Alcohol.

Does ANYONE here relate to what I am going through at any lengths? Or am I doing like they sometimes say "you're trying too hard to figure it out." I KNOW I have to stop drinking or it is going to kill me. My kidneys are actually beginning to cause me strange sensations. I am sobering up today and very conscious of this fact. It's keeping down that path I'm worried about though... Once I feel all great I end up trying to make room for it again. Like if my Doctor says I'm fine tomorrow I am going to run out excited to go have another drink... But I am really praying right now that I will NOT be that stupid. I guess I am surprised that this topic is not listed under the health section... I wish it were.

I really hate reaching out for help... If I admit to my Doctor tomorrow that I have been drinking again I am REALLY going to get reprimanded and I don't have much esteem even left to be humiliated much further. This trap I am in really does suck!