Working out is harmful for my relationship?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 16, 2010 11:38 AM GMT
    Hey guys, I have a problem and i'm not really sure how to go about to handle things.

    First the back story. I have been in a relationship with my BF for almost 10 years now. We love each other and are committed to one another.

    Well 8 months ago I finally got fed up with how I look & feel and decided that I would stop saying that I would join a gym and went out and do it. I invited my BF however he doesn't like the "publicness" of working out.

    Flash forward to now where im working out regularly and im starting to look and feel better then I did earlier. I now have some fitness magizines in my home to help me learn more about what is the right path to go. And im now in the point of things were I want to change my eatting habbits as they are clearly not where they should be.

    However since im not by myself here this effects someone else.. And I really don't want to push him into eatting/doing something he doesn't want to do. We have talked about my changing my ways and it makes him feel like if he doesn't do it either that he is somehow below me. He now talks a lot about how he is eatting unhealthy and dosen't want to change. I can see that me making this next step will really bother him, however I feel that if I do not make this step I will be not moving in the direction I want to.

    Granted I know that he will enjoy the perks of eating right.. Im not sure he wants to do it ALL the time like I am willing to commit to.

    Any advice for someone who is trying to do the right thing?
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    Aug 16, 2010 5:53 PM GMT
    How about just smile affectionately and love him up, and tell him he's your love and whatever he wants to do is fine with you.

    Whenever you make something healthy AND tasty, dig in and say, 'Want some?'

    -Doug

    PS tell him there's a big difference between being below someone and just having different choices. icon_wink.gif
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    Aug 17, 2010 11:16 AM GMT
    meninlove said How about just smile affectionately and love him up, and tell him he's your love and whatever he wants to do is fine with you.

    Whenever you make something healthy AND tasty, dig in and say, 'Want some?'

    -Doug

    PS tell him there's a big difference between being below someone and just having different choices. icon_wink.gif


    icon_biggrin.gif Ty for the words Doug.

    I plan on at least trying to make everything with him in mind. (Like if he wanted to sprinkle cheese on top, or eat with white bread instead of whole wheat bread.) It is a tough mental battle. (He is a Leo and im a Taurus.. we but heads a lot over the dumbest things...)

    What do couples here do for eats? I assume that some of you have been able to convince your partner to join the healthy side?
  • rafiki87

    Posts: 331

    Aug 17, 2010 11:28 AM GMT
    That was my relationship at the start... Only this time my bf went with me to the gym only to hang around the elliptical for about two hours calling that a workout.

    If I were you, just keep at what you're doing, you're on the right track.

    DON'T force it upon your bf to change overnight and tag along to the gym and eat properly.

    Took me about a year or so to get my bf on the same boat of hitting weights eating right. Just be patient. He'll come around on his own.




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    Aug 17, 2010 11:29 AM GMT
    he´s loath to have his comfort zone impacted... Can you cook? there are some fantastic recipes you can do that are amazingly healthy... that might be the easiest way in: it doesn´t have to be boiled chicken breasts and raw carrots from the start. If you can cook email me and I´ll give you some (sadly I can´t teach you to cook on email, you don´t need to be amazing, but knowing basics is kinda important)-

    Love him, but don´t let him compromise your health or you becoming who you are (if managed well there should be no problem)
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    Aug 17, 2010 2:00 PM GMT
    Thanks PhillyBrat..you know, there's two things about cheese and white bread vs no cheese and whole wheat bread.

    Cheese can be very good for you. Bacterias and calcium for starters. The calcium ups your absorption of vitamin C for example.
    Rye bread is a white bread, and has the great effect of levelling blood sugar, whereas whole wheat bread causes a spike.

    I think the trick is balance, rather than restriction. icon_wink.gif

    - Doug
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    Aug 17, 2010 2:07 PM GMT
    buy you're food. and he can buy his.

    if he wants to eat poorly (which is absolutly fine if he wants to do so) let him. i dont see why u eating well should make him feel like he has to too.

    honestly if you descideing to be healthy and fit makes him feel inadequate and he would rather CHOSE to stay feeling that way rather than get over it or chose to fix it, he has soem problems he should be working out on his own instead of / before he is in a commited relationship
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    Aug 18, 2010 11:28 AM GMT
    Ty again for the replies, I realize that it is a weird "issue" that should be dealt with.

    OK comments from what others said:

    diverboi saidIf I were you, just keep at what you're doing, you're on the right track.

    DON'T force it upon your bf to change overnight and tag along to the gym and eat properly.


    =) thanks, Yea I don't ever plan on forcing anything. (Except maybe the fact I will only be making 1 meal per breakfast, lunch and Dinner.. I guess i'll need to keep other frozen options if he doesn't like what I make. However I plan to make things we both will enjoy...)

    Lostboy saidhe´s loath to have his comfort zone impacted... Can you cook? If you can cook email me and I´ll give you some (sadly I can´t teach you to cook on email, you don´t need to be amazing, but knowing basics is kinda important)-

    Love him, but don´t let him compromise your health or you becoming who you are (if managed well there should be no problem)


    I can cook. Well I should say I have been cooking for years now.. I like the taste of my food.. I have e-mailed ya on those recipes. I wont turn down help.

    meninlove said Thanks PhillyBrat..you know, there's two things about cheese and white bread vs no cheese and whole wheat bread.

    Cheese can be very good for you. Bacterias and calcium for starters. The calcium ups your absorption of vitamin C for example.
    Rye bread is a white bread, and has the great effect of levelling blood sugar, whereas whole wheat bread causes a spike.

    I think the trick is balance, rather than restriction. icon_wink.gif

    - Doug


    Yea.. see IM the one who is not a fan of the cheese. lol. I need to post in that forum on "what is wierd about you". I like cheese ONLY when it is with something else.. Say a grilled cheese sandwhich.. however having cubes of cheese on toothpicks or whatnot are not that pleasnt. (Not to mention I really only like 3 or 4 types of cheeses. I have tried some of the other "flavors" of cheese, I am just not a fan.)

    It is something to consider that cheese as a reward for him does have good benifits for myself as well.

    Voice22 saidbuy you're food. and he can buy his.

    if he wants to eat poorly (which is absolutly fine if he wants to do so) let him. i dont see why u eating well should make him feel like he has to too.

    honestly if you descideing to be healthy and fit makes him feel inadequate and he would rather CHOSE to stay feeling that way rather than get over it or chose to fix it, he has soem problems he should be working out on his own instead of / before he is in a commited relationship


    I actually thought about us splitting the food bill and feeding ourselves with what we want however I don't think he wants to go food shopping. (It's something I would rather do anyways.) I'll make sure to keep snacky things for him but like I said earlier the main meals will be mostly of my control.

    My BF is complicated.. lmao understatement im sure. But he is more panicy about having this lifestyle FOREVER. And worried about the costs and the time and energy that is put into making the meals healthy. These are all concerns we never really had to worry about because we just bought want we wanted and ate.. So the concerns are that he is being forced to change a little, and this is new territory for us both.. I am try to prevent any arguments that might occur in the future.

    Question: Would it be better if I waited to cook these meals together with him (to show him what went into it) or better to just make it and then tell him as we are eatting?
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    Aug 27, 2010 4:20 AM GMT
    maybe plan a meal that is healthy but very tasty, and tell him one night that you are going to try and make it and that he shud watch/ help so he can see what the differences and similarities are, so hes not so worried about it, get him involved a little, he might have fun and think its exciting, plus he'll feel a little more in control of it too. maybe he has the rice cake and carrot sticks to death image of healthy eating and u need to break him from that mindset.
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    Aug 27, 2010 4:39 AM GMT
    Phillybrat saidHe now talks a lot about how he is eatting unhealthy and dosen't want to change.


    That statement really confounds me. If he knows it's wrong than why wouldn't he want to change?

    If he is talking about it a lot though, maybe he is starting to come around. It shows he is at least aware of the problem and is mulling it.

    If he is resistant to joining a gym (because it's too "public"), there are literally an infinite number of ways to exercise outside the gym.

    Perhaps talk to your boyfriend about going for walks with you and eventually work up to jogging/running.

    Also, if you only buy healthy food at the grocery store, it's hard to eat poorly when at home. If there aren't cookies in the pantry, you simply won't turn to cookies when you're feeling like snacking.

    Explain to him that you're excited about the change you've found in yourself and you want to share that with him. Use your results to inspire him.

    I've found that the hardest thing to get people to do as far as working out is simply starting. Usually once you can get over that hurtle the next big obstacle is making it a habit. If you can do both though, it's a tremendous change for the better.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 27, 2010 10:23 AM GMT
    You need to handle this with tact

    You're changing Your Life and possibly his also for the better and that's a good thing
    But he's going to be afraid Number one that he's going to lose you to a better looking guy
    and Number Two that he's not up to the task
    And if you confront him with the issue ie: Let's go to the gym together or Let's eat better food
    He's gonna Balk
    Be smart about it
    YOU do the shopping for a while
    and get rid of the chips and the crappy food and replace it with healthier things like fruit and whole grained snacks
    on the wkend when you guys are together ..... take a hike with him somewhere or grab your bikes and go for a ride

    Handle it right you'll have a new improved BF
    Handle it wrong and you're gonna be single soon
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:51 PM GMT
    I feel like I should give an update as well many things have changed. And most of it is for the better.

    I first wanna thank everyone to help me in the situation I am in. It is hard to make decisions sometimes when there is another person in the picture. Esp if those two people are me and my bf.. A Taurus vrs a Leo.. we butt heads a lot..

    So the update:

    Currently Im in week two of what im calling "focused eatting". And right now im feeling good about it. But what im most happy to say is how my BF finally accpted that this is the food that i'll be prepairing and that his options are eat it or don't eat it and make yourself something... (Good luck as I do the shopping MWahaha icon_twisted.gif )

    He dosn't do well with counting food groups or balancing meals, which is ok, I can do most of that work and really don't mind it. And now I think we have a great balance of things. I usually shop for the proteins and "snacks" while he shops for the produce and eggs and veggies.

    I have inspired him to do some sort of activity now after work.

    The new "problem" is that we are in two stages of eatting. I'm eatting to lean up. While it sounds like he wants to bulk up.. So I guess that means more topics of discussion.. I now see that he is now eatting more..complaining that he is never "full". (My opinion is that he isn't used to this new full feeling IE not bloated. And that he just needs to drink more water. PERIOD.)

    So we'll see where this takes us. We are in it together and soon hopefully we'll get some great bombtastic meals going that are healthy and fulfilling. And thanks again for the advice. =)

  • inuman

    Posts: 733

    Aug 27, 2010 3:09 PM GMT
    Well there are many options you can look into with your partner. First off, talk to him and ask him if he's not comfortable with working out at a gym, then possibly getting a home gym and hiring a personal trainer for a month so you both can workout together and after the trainer is gone you can be each others support and spotter.

    You can also as mentioned, go for walks, bike rides, day hikes with healthy snacks packed in a backpack. Also you should have a cheat day for at least a little while to wean you both off the "snacks" you are both used to, snacking is an addiction and its hard to quit it cold, once a week get him a snack he used to love, it'll show you care and respect that he still loves the snacks but also that its only once a week and in a very small portion so that way he also knows its almost time to cut them out of your life.

    Both go and speak with a dietitian in person and have that person talk about the benefits of healthy food and the negatives of the snacks you both used to eat, having someone tell and possibly show you what's good and what's bad is also a good mindset for starting a new chapter in living and eating.

    If he's tired after work, suggest doing some quick workouts in the morning, so that way he and you don't slip from getting in the exercise.


    For myself and my partner I'm lucky in the fact that he welcomed all these changes and maybe once a month we'll have a chocolate bar and its on a random day and we don't feel bad about it because we always eat healthy. He will workout in the mornings before work and I in the afternoon when I have more energy to do so.

    Its all about finding the balance with the both of you and working around both your work schedules really.

    Hope those find to be useful to some extent icon_cool.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11525

    Aug 27, 2010 3:12 PM GMT
    your bf comes sounds like an insecure, controlling, lazy fuck in this thread. icon_lol.gif
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    Aug 27, 2010 3:16 PM GMT
    Thanks for the update. It sounds like you're slowly working it out. It takes time. I'm lucky that my bf is just as committed, or more so, than I am. But I can imagine the tension that would be created because we've gone through it with some friends who couldn't understand or adjust to our lifestyle changes. What, no more eating out at Mexican and Italian restaurants three nights a week??? No more gigantic deserts after every meal? No more Chinese take-out cuz we have the munchies at 11 at night?? We can't meet right after work because we have to go to the gym??? What kinds of friends are we??? It was so frustrating.

    What you've said here shows how much you care about your BF. And it also shows just how committed you are to improving your health and fitness - because having an uncooperative partner is just one more reason to lose the will to change. Good on you for sticking with it! And good luck.

  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Aug 27, 2010 3:20 PM GMT
    Phillybrat saidHey guys, I have a problem and i'm not really sure how to go about to handle things.

    First the back story. I have been in a relationship with my BF for almost 10 years now. We love each other and are committed to one another.

    Well 8 months ago I finally got fed up with how I look & feel and decided that I would stop saying that I would join a gym and went out and do it. I invited my BF however he doesn't like the "publicness" of working out.

    Flash forward to now where im working out regularly and im starting to look and feel better then I did earlier. I now have some fitness magizines in my home to help me learn more about what is the right path to go. And im now in the point of things were I want to change my eatting habbits as they are clearly not where they should be.

    However since im not by myself here this effects someone else.. And I really don't want to push him into eatting/doing something he doesn't want to do. We have talked about my changing my ways and it makes him feel like if he doesn't do it either that he is somehow below me. He now talks a lot about how he is eatting unhealthy and dosen't want to change. I can see that me making this next step will really bother him, however I feel that if I do not make this step I will be not moving in the direction I want to.

    Granted I know that he will enjoy the perks of eating right.. Im not sure he wants to do it ALL the time like I am willing to commit to.

    Any advice for someone who is trying to do the right thing?


    His feelings are his, you shouldn't compromise your health to make him feel better about his choices. You are not doing anything overtly hurtful to him. You aren't nagging him or calling him names. Stick to your guns, let him eat what he wants and you eat what you want.
  • Geoedward

    Posts: 657

    Aug 27, 2010 3:29 PM GMT
    I understand what you are going through. Once I became serious about wanting to build up my body and eating right my partner and I had a few problems. I feel like he was unconsciously sabotaging me. He knows that I am a junk food junkie and kept bringing lots of chocolate home. Finally I tried to talk to him about what I wanted to do and how important it was to me. He admitted that he was feeling insecure and was afraid that if I get my body the way I would like it and start feeling better about myself, he was worried that I would find someone else. He works out a little cardio wise but has a stomach, and is 8 years older. We talked about it and I told him I love him. It isn't his body, it isn't his age. I love him and I am not interested in finding someone else. I am doing this for me and my health. He gets it now and we are ok. I am not trying to change him or make him eat a certain way. It has been a few months and I have noticed that he is starting to go to the gym a little more and is eating really well. He is doing it on his own and I am not saying anything about it. When he tells me he went to the gym, I do get excited and I always make sure I compliment him. Give it time buddy! Georgeicon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 27, 2010 3:43 PM GMT
    Bill and I work this way. When he wanted to loose weight I never gave up a single cookie or potatoe chip. When he decided to give up beer I didn't.

    I made him wonderful healthy meals instead, and bought him frozen yogurt instead of ice cream. I ended up tempting myself with these healthier alternatives, and so changed my own diet because I wanted to, rather than being coerced to.

    As for the beer, I began making Bill all kinds of interesting drinks that involved no alcohol. His current favourite is Club soda with a pure fruit juice poured in after the soda.

    I see only this: that your partner isn't taking the steps to accommodate your change, which doesn't mean he has to force himself painfully into your shoes. Demanding that he do so is a form of sabotage, though unintended.


    -Doug
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    Aug 27, 2010 3:53 PM GMT
    Im going through the same thing right now. My boyfriend of 7 years idea of dieting is to starve himself all day, that way he can eat whatever he wants for dinner.....yeah...because that seems to be working.
    I havent joined a gym but I do work out at the house every day, he has noticed changes in me, and likes it...but, hes headstrong, and doesnt want to change any of his ways. Ive never seen a grown man so hellbent on not eating a vegetable...its insane. And weve butted heads over our dietary habits, and when I offer suggestions to alternatives he gets agitated...we were in the grocery store the other day and he wanted to make homemade pizzas for dinner, and I decided I wanted to roast some veggies and have it with jasmine rice....well, when he was buying pepperoni, i said "I have turkey pepperoni at home if you want that"....he turned to me and looked at me like i was mental and said "I think its great what you are doing for yourself, but dont force that shit on me" ..... so I just said..."fine, I guess i can only love you until you die from heart disease or smoking". We didnt talk the rest of the time in the store, probably wasnt the best reaction I could have given...but damn, would it hurt to substitute some of your favorite things from time to time? He loves his food fried, and his vegetables on someone elses plate.....and I knew that when i met him, hell I was like that when I met him....and its not up to me to change him, but it would be nice if one of my better habits would rub off on him.

    All you can do is love the person youre with, shop seperately at the store, bitch and moan to your friends about it and keep your fingers crossed that he comes around.

    But damn, I dont think he understands how much I get setback when he brings some of my favorite no-no's into the house...but thats for me to be strong about.....temptation is a mofo.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Aug 27, 2010 4:32 PM GMT
    I have to confess that this is the most painful thread I've read in a long time. This issue lead to the end of a 16 year partnership. Some know this, as I've addressed it elsewhere in the forums, but the long and short is that I was living a bodybuilding lifestyle of training and diet when we met, he loved that I did it, tried to follow but wasn't very good at changing his diet. He was addicted to white-flour sugar filled things. He loved to bake - and having a pie or cake at all times in the house was what he grew up with, plus baking was an expression of his creativity and his love and affection. Bad food was a kind of substitute for real love in his family (who had the emotional intimacy skills of a box of hair, compounded by eons of Catholic guilt.) I didn't indulge, said "thanks honey, but no cake for me" and he was hurt. So I had a few slices, gained a few pounds, panicked and dove back into training and diet much more seriously and asked him to join me, so that we could both benefit. I wasn't dictatorial. I offered healthy choices, cooked, shopped, left room for some of his food likes (addictions) in balanced proportions. I even offered to train with him or get him a trainer (his fitness goals were different, and I was fine with that). But he took offense, thinking I was signaling a lack of love for him "as is". He rebelled. And he began to buy things that were bad for him and me, and cook them knowing I wouldn't eat that way. So I began to worry that if I kept going in my direction and he kept going in his, I'd be unhappy and possibly step out on him with somebody else, so...I stopped training, and grew to love butter fat. I would have thrown myself over a cliff for him, frankly. In fact, I figuratively did so. It almost killed me.
    I stopped taking care of myself, I gained almost 70 lbs over 8 years time, I was depressed, and we stopped being intimate. I tried and tried and tried over the years to get him to stop the unhealthy habits and to get back to the gym with me. He had a brief run of taking to Spin, I didn't follow because I was so depressed that I hated being in the gym - ashamed, unhappy, unhealthy - it all spiraled downwards. We talked about his addressing his lack of libido - a hormonal imbalance even a 2-bit last in his class Screen Actors Guild doctor told him was something he should address - and the fact that sex was tangled up in his Catholicism. He addressed neither. He baked more and more and more, moaned about being punished by having his cakes taken away from him or his bread, ate twice a day thinking that was dieting...God it was horrible. But in between this was a great friendship, deep love, but a very fucked-up health dynamic.
    Finally, after a year of near-death health scares with me, he actually took me to a gym, introduced me to a trainer, and got me jump-started back to what I love so much - bodybuilding/lifting and living that kind of life. I was certain he was coming along for the ride this time - but no, it was essentially his cracking a healthy bottle of champaign over my ass and launching me off to sea - alone. He had no interest in doing the same for himself, and this time I realized that if he didn't....I couldn't continue in a relationship where the only benefit was platonic adoration.
    I woke up to not being able to save a drowning man determined to go under. So, we're best friends, grateful for a 16 year journey together, but the marriage is a memory.
    What I struggled with at the end was that I knew I loved him, deeply, still do - but I cannot make him into something he is not. I failed to see that clearly at the start. I also realize now that he loved the idea of me, but had no real interest in sharing with me some of the things that matter to me very deeply and keep me ticking. And while I am unlikely to find someone who will love me as deeply as he did on so many levels - his kindness, generosity, emotional awareness - my health and fitness matter to me and I need the same in a life partner, and shallow little prick that I am, I can't choose anything else.
    It would have been vastly different if it had been a debilitating illness or accident, but it was something he could control, that I couldn't fix for him, and which ultimately proved our undoing. And I struggled with this SO much in my heart that it's nearly impossible to express the depth of sorrow it brought me. But coming back to myself has made it clearer and clearer each day that I did the right thing in the end - for me.
    People change for themselves, not for others. The desire has to be personal - regardless - and the choice has to be free of caveats. Love as well.
    That delicate balance...good luck. I failed. Hopefully you'll succeed.
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    Aug 27, 2010 4:40 PM GMT
    GQjock saidYou need to handle this with tact

    You're changing Your Life and possibly his also for the better and that's a good thing
    But he's going to be afraid Number one that he's going to lose you to a better looking guy
    and Number Two that he's not up to the task
    And if you confront him with the issue ie: Let's go to the gym together or Let's eat better food
    He's gonna Balk
    Be smart about it
    YOU do the shopping for a while
    and get rid of the chips and the crappy food and replace it with healthier things like fruit and whole grained snacks
    on the wkend when you guys are together ..... take a hike with him somewhere or grab your bikes and go for a ride

    Handle it right you'll have a new improved BF
    Handle it wrong and you're gonna be single soon



    AMEN to that, GQJock! Not only have I lost a few guys because of this but I have also lost friends this way. I don't force my workouts or the ability to do so on anyone else. I just believe in eating right & cutting back on the things that counter-attack my methods for a better physique. I've even had both sides say that they'll get down with the workouts but when the time comes to pay the piper, excuses that are said fall on deaf ears. I don't mind having my moments in being a couch potato, don't get me wrong but the feeling never lasts long. I am always on the go, never any real reason to sit there (why clean the house when it's already done) & when I felt i had too much boredom to contend with, I headed to the gym instead of pigging away at home out of boredom. I already know that I may be single because of my checklist but, hey, when you get tired of attracting or looking like a "deadweight", you do something about it & the results pay off.
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    Aug 27, 2010 4:41 PM GMT
    diverboi saidThat was my relationship at the start... Only this time my bf went with me to the gym only to hang around the elliptical for about two hours calling that a workout.

    If I were you, just keep at what you're doing, you're on the right track.

    DON'T force it upon your bf to change overnight and tag along to the gym and eat properly.

    Took me about a year or so to get my bf on the same boat of hitting weights eating right. Just be patient. He'll come around on his own.






    I've had the same experience....i am very committed to my workouts my bf wasn't into it...but over time he has been going to the gym...even hired a personal trainer...i learned not to push him but just invite him to come with me....was loving about it.

    It's like what Doug said above just be loving about it...include him in, let him make his decision each time and over time he will start to learn by example and the shear repitition of exposure.

    J
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    Aug 27, 2010 4:41 PM GMT
    meninlove said How about just smile affectionately and love him up, and tell him he's your love and whatever he wants to do is fine with you.

    Whenever you make something healthy AND tasty, dig in and say, 'Want some?'

    -Doug

    PS tell him there's a big difference between being below someone and just having different choices. icon_wink.gif


    Sounds like great advice icon_smile.gif

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    Aug 27, 2010 5:58 PM GMT
    Phillybrat saidHey guys, I have a problem and i'm not really sure how to go about to handle things.

    First the back story. I have been in a relationship with my BF for almost 10 years now. We love each other and are committed to one another.

    Well 8 months ago I finally got fed up with how I look & feel and decided that I would stop saying that I would join a gym and went out and do it. I invited my BF however he doesn't like the "publicness" of working out.

    Flash forward to now where im working out regularly and im starting to look and feel better then I did earlier. I now have some fitness magizines in my home to help me learn more about what is the right path to go. And im now in the point of things were I want to change my eatting habbits as they are clearly not where they should be.

    However since im not by myself here this effects someone else.. And I really don't want to push him into eatting/doing something he doesn't want to do. We have talked about my changing my ways and it makes him feel like if he doesn't do it either that he is somehow below me. He now talks a lot about how he is eatting unhealthy and dosen't want to change. I can see that me making this next step will really bother him, however I feel that if I do not make this step I will be not moving in the direction I want to.

    Granted I know that he will enjoy the perks of eating right.. Im not sure he wants to do it ALL the time like I am willing to commit to.

    Any advice for someone who is trying to do the right thing?



    One of my relationships ended partially because my boyfriend did not want to change to a healthier lifestyle, either. He had no energy, took naps all the time, and we never had sex.

    It is simple insecurity, though he may couch it in language of "being totally ok with how I look and feel." That's a cover for the fact that he's afraid of failing in his fitness endeavors, and/or is self-conscious about his appearance, as evidenced by the fact that he doesn't do the gym because it's "too public." Or he's simply lazy. Nevertheless, knowing this is the case doesn't give anyone the right to tell him what to do with his body or his life; we all have our foibles. But, if I were you, I would at least express how happy it would make you if he were to embark together on this desire to change for the better, without making him feel guilty or undesired.

    But if your desires in the relationship are not being met, partially due to his aversion to healthy eating and exercise, it will lead to resentment. If this is the case, either you feel your desires are legitimate, or you will adjust them. The choice is yours. I chose to part ways with my ex, but the fitness/lifestyle factor was only one of several. We are still good friends, though. Ten years is a long time; on one hand, you have invested 10 years together; on the other, don't let the length of the relationship be a chain around your ankle.