Being -that- fem guy.

  • JJ_Atoli

    Posts: 295

    Aug 16, 2010 8:29 PM GMT
    So I had a question...

    First some backstory though: So I've always considered myself a pretty fem guy; even before I identified as gay. I wouldn't say I'm a totally queen (not that there's anything wrong with that). That isn't the case at all. I'd probably be a 65/35 split to be honest. The former being the obviously being the feminine proportion of my persona. (This includes my appearance - I've never set out to look like a chick but that doesn't stop every store clerk in history from calling me 'mam' or 'miss' or from greeting me and my friends with a warm "Hello ladies".
    Now as we all know masculinity and masculine qualities are a prized possession throughout most of the world; the gay world/community being no exception.
    Everyone (a terrible generalization I know - but it does hold true for the majority) wants that super masculine guy and I'm the skinny androgynous guy.
    So naturally I've had some trouble attracting men.
    Now I'm not complaining. It only makes since that gay men - men who are attracted to other men - and subsequently attracted to masculinity - would want to date men, who, well... look and act like men. This I understand.
    But it does get lonely sometimes.
    The only guys that ever take interest in me are self- proclaimed 'straight men' and they are only interested having a sexual relationship with me. Which is not what I'm looking for. I wanna date. And that requires getting together with a gay male. Haha.
    So...When the masculine guys want the masculine guys and the feminine guys want the masculine guys where does that leave someone like me?
    Well it feels like the situation leaves me with a decision to make.
    Butch up or stay forever in 'No-mans-land'. Pun intended.

    So my question is: What should I do?
    I'm seriously considering trying to change most things about myself in order to adopt a more...manly role. Problem is I feel like that would be lying to myself and whoever I get involved with.
    Change or wait for someone who likes the real me - although it might be quite a long wait?
    (Excuse my grammar. I was writing as I would speak and in a hurry. The splices are ridiculous.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 17, 2010 6:01 AM GMT
    First off, you're 19. You're still young. We all find people at our own pace. Secondly, you're placing too much importance on social perceptions and stereotypes. Not all gay men like butch masculine men. Also, not all Westernized forms of masculinity hold true for other cultures. I would rather speak to you in person about this and not leave a lengthy message on RealJock.

    Most importantly, be yourself. It sounds as if you are uncomfortable with yourself, which is why you are considering "butching" up to attract a male. But keeping up a facade is tremendous work. I would say be yourself and someone will appreciate you for who you are. Wouldn't it be better to date one person who likes you for who you are, the good and the bad, then to date many who only like you for what you're not?
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    Aug 17, 2010 6:18 AM GMT
    Always be true to yourself, no matter what.
    And get out more, there ARE guys out there who like fem boys. I happen to know a couple of fem guys who get more dates than I do! Betches, lol!
    So yeah, theres someone out there for everybody. icon_biggrin.gif
  • JJ_Atoli

    Posts: 295

    Aug 20, 2010 3:30 PM GMT
    damirkale78 saidFirst off, you're 19. You're still young. We all find people at our own pace. Secondly, you're placing too much importance on social perceptions and stereotypes. Not all gay men like butch masculine men. Also, not all Westernized forms of masculinity hold true for other cultures. I would rather speak to you in person about this and not leave a lengthy message on RealJock.

    Most importantly, be yourself. It sounds as if you are uncomfortable with yourself, which is why you are considering "butching" up to attract a male. But keeping up a facade is tremendous work. I would say be yourself and someone will appreciate you for who you are. Wouldn't it be better to date one person who likes you for who you are, the good and the bad, then to date many who only like you for what you're not?


    I feel like I'm pretty comfortable with myself. I very much like who I am...I just worry a lot about whether or not other people do?
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    Aug 20, 2010 3:43 PM GMT
    "I feel like I'm pretty comfortable with myself. I very much like who I am...I just worry a lot about whether or not other people do?"

    lol, that worry is present in men and women the world over, be they gay, straight or bi.

    Did the behaviour or look you worry about make life miserable for Boy George or Liberace?

    Liberace is before your time in a much more unaccepting world.
    Both those men used their talents. Use yours.


    Take a look; here's Liberace.

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    Aug 20, 2010 4:00 PM GMT
    I think you should just carry on being who you are. You might not get as much attention as you want, but someday the right guy for you will come along, and love you for who you are. Never try and be something you're not!
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Aug 20, 2010 5:30 PM GMT
    Allow me to toss a wrench into the works. I'm masculine to the point of consistently shocking people when I come out. When I was dating I got the following (accurate) complaints from gay men:

    Your clothes never match*
    I don't know how anyone could prefer beer to wine
    Science? Isn't that for staight guys?
    I don't think this is going to work, you can't and don't even like dancing
    You need a fag hag
    I'd rather not have you meet my friends, they are real gay, you just like sex with men

    There are others but you get the idea. Prejudtice goes both ways in the gay community. Always be ready, leave your heart open and you will find someone more concerned with who you are than what you are

    *I no longer dress myself, my partner does that for me. If I uploaded pics that are older you'd see old T-shirts and jeans with holes in them, and that's if I bothered to dress up.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 20, 2010 5:34 PM GMT
    People are attracted to confidence. Comfort in one's own skin. You can't force yourself to be something you're not. If butching it up isn't authentic for you, then changing yourself to please some one else is wrong.

    Does that make things easier? No. Does that ensure more guys will necessarily be attracted to you? There are no guarantees. But I believe you will be rewarded for being true to yourself and being real, not fake.
  • SoDakGuy

    Posts: 1862

    Aug 20, 2010 5:45 PM GMT
    Aw kiddo! I'm gonna tell ya something. I was a bit effeminate when I was close to your age, but as time went on and my priorities changed, my behavior changed.

    It just happened.

    I didn't one day go, "I must be butch!" Nah, it's a little bit of maturity and a little bit of experience.

    And trust me ... you will NOT be the same person you are now at 19 than you will be at my age, 33. Hell, I met this one lean twinkie dude when I first moved here and now you see him, he's in a Falcon porn DVD beefed up (not as much as me - thank you icon_wink.gif ). He's still the sweet guy I met, but he's mellowed and matured.

    I know there are masculine guys out there attracted to effeminate guys and I hope & believe you'll meet someone. Right now, all I can say is to focus on YOU and do things that make YOU happy.

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    Aug 20, 2010 5:45 PM GMT
    Boy_BLUI feel like I'm pretty comfortable with myself. I very much like who I am...I just worry a lot about whether or not other people do?


    And that would be your problem right there. You are too busy worrying about what others will think of you. Simply solution: DON"T. Do your own thing because I guarantee you they are doing theirs. Worry about what matters to you most and don't spend your time trying to impress everyone because you can't make everyone happy and shouldn't try because your happiness should come first.

    You will find someone who can appreciate you for you. Don't count yourself out yet. As soon as you start doubting yourself and losing confidence in your abilities and your appearance then you'll end up like some jaded dudes on this site who are just negative about everything with a "quit life" attitude.

    You'll be fine. It won't happen over night but it will happen and you'll be way happier and feel better about yourself when it happens on your terms.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 22, 2010 3:39 PM GMT
    You are perfect just the way you are. You don't need to change or conform to society's guidelines, and especially in the gay world. Take your time and explore who you are. icon_biggrin.gif


    G
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 22, 2010 3:40 PM GMT
    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HEREI feel like I'm pretty comfortable with myself. I very much like who I am...I just worry a lot about whether or not other people do?


    If this were completely true, you wouldn't be worried about how others see you. :-)
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    Aug 22, 2010 3:55 PM GMT
    sorry dude ur post is 2 long and i may falls asleep......but what i'll say iz

    who cares? u be whaeva u wanna be and werk it.......just be kool and love yoself......but dont be a dumb queen cuz ull get bitch slapped by yo own kind...lolz
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    Aug 22, 2010 4:18 PM GMT
    meninlove said"I feel like I'm pretty comfortable with myself. I very much like who I am...I just worry a lot about whether or not other people do?"

    lol, that worry is present in men and women the world over, be they gay, straight or bi.

    Did the behaviour or look you worry about make life miserable for Boy George or Liberace?

    Liberace is before your time in a much more unaccepting world.
    Both those men used their talents. Use yours.


    He was a great pianist, but he sucked on the organ. (I'll get my coat)

    But seriously folks, Liberace came from fairly humble beginnings to become the highest paid entertainer in the world. He was earning $50k a week in the 1950s, from his Vegas show alone. He was a fascinating man and a true showman.
    Liberace_Allan_Warren.jpg
  • JJ_Atoli

    Posts: 295

    Aug 24, 2010 1:17 AM GMT
    Thanks everyone for the replies.
    The general consensus seems to be that I should stay myself (after first getting more comfortable with who I am) and wait for someone to like the -real- me and not the fabricated personality I had planned to create. : )
    The plan sounds good on paper but I know it'll be harder to go with. Haha.
    Even still I'm going to go with it though. It's probably the best course of action.
    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2010 1:21 AM GMT
    love thyself
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    Aug 24, 2010 3:06 AM GMT
    Hey boy_BLU, we're dedicating this song to you because of it's message.

    ...so here's a vid with the lyrics we'd like you to read:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPXbniVqG-w

    hugs - us guys (real fairy godfathers)


  • JJ_Atoli

    Posts: 295

    Aug 24, 2010 3:09 AM GMT
    meninlove said Hey boy_BLU, we're dedicating this song to you because of it's message.

    ...so here's a vid with the lyrics we'd like you to read:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPXbniVqG-w

    hugs - us guys (real fairy godfathers)




    But...but...but...there's no vid. I'm so confused.

    Edit: "Ah! There it is."

    Edit 2: lol. I've heard this song before!!!
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    Aug 24, 2010 3:20 AM GMT
    I know it might seem like lip service, but there really are guys out there that will like you for you! At nineteen we all feel a bit uncomfortable in our own skin, it is par for the course. Keep your chin up and know that you are perfect just the way you are, and you are who you are supposed to be right now in your life.
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    Aug 24, 2010 3:29 AM GMT
    DCEric saidAllow me to toss a wrench into the works. I'm masculine to the point of consistently shocking people when I come out. When I was dating I got the following (accurate) complaints from gay men:

    Your clothes never match*
    I don't know how anyone could prefer beer to wine
    Science? Isn't that for staight guys?
    I don't think this is going to work, you can't and don't even like dancing
    You need a fag hag
    I'd rather not have you meet my friends, they are real gay, you just like sex with men

    There are others but you get the idea. Prejudtice goes both ways in the gay community. Always be ready, leave your heart open and you will find someone more concerned with who you are than what you are

    *I no longer dress myself, my partner does that for me. If I uploaded pics that are older you'd see old T-shirts and jeans with holes in them, and that's if I bothered to dress up.


    Sounds like me...Fashionably challanged and a scientist lol
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    Aug 24, 2010 3:34 AM GMT
    lol, apologies boy_BLU, but there's problems with embed codes on RJ today.

    As well, you can experiment as much as you like, wear plaid n jeans one day, dress for the Waldorf Astoria the next. It's all about your personality's style. You can play with different attitudes like any actor would, and find one that's as comfy as an old shoe.

    ...just listen (with lyrics in the vid):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Le7t2QiLV4
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 24, 2010 3:51 AM GMT
    Feminine is being "soft", masculine is "hard".. do things that require you to be hard, like surfing or something lol
  • JJ_Atoli

    Posts: 295

    Aug 24, 2010 3:59 AM GMT
    Lol. Oh oh!
    I tried watching UFC with a buddy today...
    The plan was for me to partake in some manly activities with a close bud but it didn't turn out to great...I just got turned on.
    Playing and watching most sports has that effect on me.