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Coming out at work.

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Aug 17, 2010 4:21 AM GMT

I have no idea if this is a good or bad idea. We have a few openly gay boys and girls at my work. They all talk about their partners and such. I guess I am sick of hiding it. I don't want to say I am gay because one of the guys is one of the stereotypical gay guys. I don't know. I think it might be weird. Also I feel like I have been deceiving because I have talked about my awkward dates with girls. So that will also make it hard. Also everyone just assumes I like girls. They all try setting me up and it just makes it awkward.

I guess i didn't really ask a question. I think I more vented again. I need to start a blog or something like that.

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Aug 17, 2010 4:38 AM GMT

Discreetly ask a few people to see if their pay is accepted by their being open. Be sure not to accidentally ask someone they talk to regularly. If their pay + promotions aren't affected, come on out.
Plus, with one guy being "stereotypical" you have a chance to show that not all gays are like that. Yeah I know I'll get slammed for saying that, but, fact of the matter is most people still think gay=feminine...time to bust the stereotype.

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Aug 17, 2010 4:57 AM GMT

I generally don't discuss my personal life while at work. My co-workers are just my co-workers. If I've been at a company for a while, then yeah I'll gradually open up to a few trusted individuals. But other than that.. I just keep the chit-chat to a minimum and talk about current events or latest movies. The less they know about you, the less there is to gossip about you.

shoelessj

Posts: 511

Aug 17, 2010 5:05 AM GMT

paulflexes saidDiscreetly ask a few people to see if their pay is accepted by their being open. Be sure not to accidentally ask someone they talk to regularly. If their pay + promotions aren't affected, come on out.
Plus, with one guy being "stereotypical" you have a chance to show that not all gays are like that. Yeah I know I'll get slammed for saying that, but, fact of the matter is most people still think gay=feminine...time to bust the stereotype.

as much as i might hate to say so, i have to agree with pualflexes here. if the only gay at work who is out is the one who lives up to the stereotypes, that's the only impression the folks at work will have of gays. not that it's your job to be mister stereotype-buster, but keeping it in, believing that it's 'none of their business,' etc., will just eat away at you and it's really a pain in the ass to have hold back and not mention your significant other, your gay friends, your fun gay activities, etc.

you don't have to stick a rainbow flag on your desk or walk into work signing madonna songs, but if you are close to a couple/few folks, open up a little to them, and see how it goes. and good luck.

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Aug 17, 2010 7:13 AM GMT

Anyone I talk to it would get around. Not that many employees. Everyone just assumes i am straight and I guess I feel like a hypocrite because I have talked about dates with girls. I don't know why. It would be nice to talk about my personal life once and a while like everyone else does.

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Aug 17, 2010 7:18 AM GMT

do what is right for you when you are ready and once you have done some research to make sure you won't compromise yourself. it's great to be out. it really is. but timing is everything...

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Aug 17, 2010 12:50 PM GMT

Great advice from dancer.

I happen to be a proponent of coming out, but no one can tell you what your individual experience will be when you come out. While it sounds like this should be a "no-brainer" given the office environment you describe, you need to be prepared for the consequences.

I came out to my boss and co-workers in the homophobic world of Wall Street investment bankers, and I could not have been happier. It really depends on you.

dancerjack saiddo what is right for you when you are ready and once you have done some research to make sure you won't compromise yourself. it's great to be out. it really is. but timing is everything...

HndsmKansan

Posts: 16327

Aug 17, 2010 1:31 PM GMT

At my office we don't talk about it and I make the decision, mainly because there isn't any reason to discuss personal attractions during office time.

And I run the place, if I wanted to discuss it I would, I just feel work hours are better spent working.

Do what you feel comfortable in doing. If gay related discussion is acceptable and you are comfortable in talking about your personal life with some coworkeers, do so.

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Aug 17, 2010 1:59 PM GMT

chris8787 said[...] I guess I am sick of hiding it. I don't want to say I am gay because one of the guys is one of the stereotypical gay guys. I don't know. I think it might be weird. Also I feel like I have been deceiving because I have talked about my awkward dates with girls. So that will also make it hard. Also everyone just assumes I like girls. They all try setting me up and it just makes it awkward. [...]

chris8787 said[...] Everyone just assumes i am straight and I guess I feel like a hypocrite because I have talked about dates with girls. I don't know why. It would be nice to talk about my personal life once and a while like everyone else does.

If you have been dating women and you realize that they don't do it for you (i.e. you are sure that you are gay) that is already a most important step. You have not been deceiving anyone, you have simply confirmed your sexual orientation. Solid evidence in the making. Now instead of talking about awkward dates with women you have a great way of building up to outing yourself.
1- when the occasion arises say that you apparently don't have chemistry for women.
2- if you're asked do you think you like men or are gay you might say "must be" or "apparently". (In a matter of fact way, definitely not defensively).
3- let things develop organically without feeling pressured or misleading.

I will restate a concern that others have mentioned. Protect your employment first.
Also, you might regret talking about your personal life to these people. That of course is your call.

Best of luck!

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Aug 17, 2010 2:12 PM GMT

HndsmKansan saidAt my office we don't talk about it and I make the decision, mainly because there isn't any reason to discuss personal attractions during office time.

And I run the place, if I wanted to discuss it I would, I just feel work hours are better spent working.

Do what you feel comfortable in doing. If gay related discussion is acceptable and you are comfortable in talking about your personal life with some coworkeers, do so.

Agreed. I am out to a few people, but because it's basically irrelevant to my job or job performance, don't feel any need to broadcast. I've taken a guy I've dated to functions that people from work are attending, but unless they ask me specifically what my situation is, I'm sure that there has been plenty of whispering and gossiping after the fact, but I tend to not hear any of that anyway, so it's not something I care or worry about.

Those that do know or have seen me with another guy are generally surprised, first because I was married and have kids, and second, not particularly effeminate in manner or voice. I agree it's good to have a non-stereotypical representation of the 'community' for the less informed to see and understand that just like regular society, there are all kinds of "us guys" out there.

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Aug 17, 2010 2:15 PM GMT

jsut be yourself.

dont bilbored your sexuallity. would u do that if u were straight?

if it comes up it comes up and its jsut soemthing about you that u dont have to hide.

i feel like pulling ur coworkers aside and being like "so im gay" might makeing to big a deal out of it

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Aug 17, 2010 11:22 PM GMT

I don't think i would ever go into work and be like I am gay but I am sick of hiding like guys I date and stuff like that.

yankeesblazer...

Posts: 243

Aug 17, 2010 11:37 PM GMT

Yeah this is something I am concerned about after I finish college and enter the working world next summer. I hope, if I can get a job somewhere in Seattle, that the accepting nature of the city will help make things easier. There is just no way to tell though...coming out to family and friends was hard enough, now it seems i'll have to come out one more time.

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Aug 17, 2010 11:42 PM GMT

My current stance is if it comes up, or someone asks, I tell them. The few who have asked had no problems with my sexuality except for one instance. He was someone that I considered a friend at and outside of work. I say if someone isn't accepting of my sexuality then that person isn't worth the effort. I mean get real, my sexual preference is such a small, yet important, part of the many aspects that makes up my individuality.

I say do what makes you feel comfortable, and you are correct in saying you don't wont want to hang banners stating your gayness. Just be yourself.

MidwesternKid

Posts: 1167

Aug 17, 2010 11:43 PM GMT

Do what you think will make you happy. And don't think that one person has to set the mold for you. You can redefine what it means to be gay. We all do our part to break those negative stereotypes that are thrown at us. Im sure that you could really show people that we don't all pertain to the typical stereotypes.

yankeesblazer...

Posts: 243

Aug 17, 2010 11:44 PM GMT

alwbuckland saidMy current stance is if it comes up, or someone asks, I tell them. The few who have asked had no problems with my sexuality except for one instance. He was someone that I considered a friend at and outside of work. I say if someone isn't accepting of my sexuality then that person isn't worth the effort. I mean get real, my sexual preference is such a small, yet important, part of the many aspects that makes up my individuality.

I say do what makes you feel comfortable, and you are correct in saying you don't wont want to hang banners stating your gayness. Just be yourself.

This has been my stance in class/at school. It works very well. Good advice!

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Aug 18, 2010 10:12 AM GMT

Technically this is coming out to people. This is how I came out to people at work and friends.

I don't see the need to create a moment to explain that you are gay, but more often then not the subject of dating interests does come up at work. It is during these moments that I am honest about my preferences.

I think it is important for people to know we are gay because it more often then not helps to change their opinion about gay people. I know I have had a lot of positive feedback from people who got to know me and changed their mind about gay issues. However, as I stated earlier it is important for you to be true to yourself and do what is best for you.

alwbuckland saidMy current stance is if it comes up, or someone asks, I tell them. The few who have asked had no problems with my sexuality except for one instance. He was someone that I considered a friend at and outside of work. I say if someone isn't accepting of my sexuality then that person isn't worth the effort. I mean get real, my sexual preference is such a small, yet important, part of the many aspects that makes up my individuality.

I say do what makes you feel comfortable, and you are correct in saying you don't wont want to hang banners stating your gayness. Just be yourself.

texas7t

Posts: 43

Aug 18, 2010 2:08 PM GMT

when I was younger, I felt I had to hide it too. Oh what would they think. I dated girls in the day, and was with a guy at night.. The Office manager and I became best friends. But I still would not tell her. Then one day I had to go home sick. She came buy with some flowers. Asked if I was ok. and I told her I couldn't talk about it. She then told me that there was nothing we couldn't talk about. I told her I was gay. and it would be better if she left. She said, oh, is that all. Well I know that. So, I still love you for who you are. And that is apart of who you are.
Work is work, but as other do, they do talk about personal lives at work. If some one don't like you being gay, then then don't date em.
When I left the company, then I went to the owner and told him it would be best if I left cause others may feel uncomfortable me being gay.. He leaned over the desk.. and said.. Whe know.. We have all know for a few years.. and nothing has changed. The employees was wandering why you keep hiding it. .
Truth is.. I was hiding it from myself. This was in 1993.
Now, I work for a airlines.. Not a flamer ( as some call it ) but but people think im str8. When they ask about my wife, then I just say " I have a partner'
Its not a big deal any more.
I mean, if some one has a problem with you being who you are, then would you really want them as your friend ?
Trust me guy.. be yourself.. but the work place is not a place for Gay Pride. Know you limits.. but, if some one wants to set you up on a date, just tell them, " make sure its a good guy, I've had all the bad ones already"

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Aug 18, 2010 2:15 PM GMT

My situation is a bit different because I work in a lab, not an office, but most everyone I work with knows. Basically when some of us started hanging out outside of work i brought my bf... I never actually came out, they just figured it out from seeing us together. And it was completely fine.

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Aug 18, 2010 2:37 PM GMT

If you are going to come out at work, you can do it one of two ways.

1.Pull a few people aside and make an announcement, "I'm gay."

or

2.Allow it to come up naturally in conversation. When someone asks you what you are doing over the weekend, say something like, "I'm going on a date with this really cute guy I met at the bar last week," or "My boyfriend and I are just going to stay in and watch a movie and maybe go out and have dinner."

The first option highlights how you are different from them. I would recommend the second option as it can bring some ease to the conversation. It shows you are pretty much like them and do the same kinds of things. Of course being gay makes us have some differences from heterosexuals, but what we do in our day to day lives are pretty similar. Another advantage of coming out- gay guys get to be the best friend of all the straight women in the workplace.

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Aug 30, 2010 2:29 AM GMT

heartrobb saidIf you are going to come out at work, you can do it one of two ways.

1.Pull a few people aside and make an announcement, "I'm gay."

or

2.Allow it to come up naturally in conversation. When someone asks you what you are doing over the weekend, say something like, "I'm going on a date with this really cute guy I met at the bar last week," or "My boyfriend and I are just going to stay in and watch a movie and maybe go out and have dinner."

The first option highlights how you are different from them. I would recommend the second option as it can bring some ease to the conversation. It shows you are pretty much like them and do the same kinds of things. Of course being gay makes us have some differences from heterosexuals, but what we do in our day to day lives are pretty similar. Another advantage of coming out- gay guys get to be the best friend of all the straight women in the workplace.

I don't think I could be the best friend of any females. I would allow it to come up naturally. I don't think I could ever like I mentioned before just announce it out of the blue. It would just be awkward for me though. Arg I am struggling with this so much. I don't know why.

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Aug 30, 2010 2:34 AM GMT

cee87 said[...]
[...] It would just be awkward for me though. Arg I am struggling with this so much. I don't know why.

Stop obsessing and relax. Let nature take its' course.

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Aug 30, 2010 2:35 AM GMT

I was outed at work about 8 years ago by a dumbass lesbian chick. I was informed that she had done that by a super cool lesbian who worked at my station too (law enforcement, higher than your normal percentage of lesbians).

I've been around long enough and have enough experience that I wasn't too worried, but what I discovered was people really didn't give a shit about my private life. It wasn't much of an issue.

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Aug 30, 2010 2:58 AM GMT

Someday you are going to think about this thread and wonder, "What was I so worried about?" I would like to say wait until you feel comfortable, but that time will probably never come. Even when you've decided 'now is the time', it will not be comfortable. But you will know when the time is right. If you are thinking about it, you are probably getting close. Good luck and when it happens, let us know how it went.

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Coming out at work.