Taking turns to pay the bill

  • razorcake

    Posts: 219

    Aug 17, 2010 7:32 AM GMT
    Hello my fellow friends.

    I greatly need some advice and perspective here. I am currently dating a nice cute guy. We gone out couple times, in the begginning, we took turns paying the bill, but then lately, he either not initiates any, and sometimes splits the bill, or his friends couldn't pay their part. I don't know how to approach him directly..."it's your turn or why am I paying more". It is starting to be my new pet peeve, besides being overprotective of me, what you think?
  • BarettaB80

    Posts: 141

    Aug 17, 2010 8:51 AM GMT
    Valid concern. Too bad he isn't conscious enough to think of it himself, but just bring it up in a non-confrontational way, definitely alone with him and not in front of his friends. That's what I'd do. That should be enough for any reasonable guy. If he gets huffy about it, he's got problems.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Aug 17, 2010 9:47 AM GMT
    Sounds like he's cheap and protecting his free meal ticket at the same time. Don't confuse love with overprotectiveness/jealousy-the two are NEVER the same!!! Nevericon_idea.gif
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Aug 17, 2010 11:33 AM GMT
    I already don't like him. Taking advantage of someone's generosity is a dick move. To be overprotective/jealous on top of that, not cool.
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    Aug 17, 2010 11:38 AM GMT
    communication is the best answer. If you love him, tell him
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    Aug 17, 2010 11:55 AM GMT
    I agree with the poster above me. Communicate.

    Usually while making dinner plans either I or my BF will say if we have money or not BEFORE we go out to eat. Knowing what you are getting into is better then having it sprung up in your face.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 17, 2010 12:48 PM GMT
    Taking financial responsibility on a date when it's your turn is part of showing respect for your date.

    Generally my partner and I split the finances.... one meal out he pays, the next I do. We neither keep track of who spends the most, so long as there is a general trading off of who takes responsibility. This weekend he paid for brunch on Sunday... and I paid for a great dinner (noted for his birthday) and then a stop off for ice cream. I offered to pay for the ice cream.... and happy to do so.

    If you have a date who isn't holding up his end.....speak up and tell him in a serious moment. Do so reasonably, but be clear what you expect. Try not to make him defensive, but if he gets all pissy, I'd suggest you find someone else.
    If not, it will always flare up...... and shows something about him as a person.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Aug 17, 2010 12:58 PM GMT
    Well, the Scotsman in me says never go out unless you can afford it anyway. My ex and I never had a issues with the bill. We always took care of each other according to whose fortune was on the rise and whose was on the fall. It was never awkward. And if I suggested going out, and he said "I can't afford it" I'd find the room and say "On me, don't worry" just because I wanted to make him feel treated and taken care of even when things were a little tight.

    Next time he suggests going out, just say "I'm tapped", and you'll have your answer to LOTS of questions.

    Either He'll say, "My turn anyway, c'mon."
    or
    He'll say "that's okay, I'll pay and you can make up for it....latericon_twisted.gif"
    or
    He'll say "that's okay, you can pay me back when you have the money"
    or
    He'll say "That's cool, let's stay in. What's in your fridge?"

    A and B are not that bad, and leave you room for hope. B and C - deal breakers in my book, and time to have a chat or dump his freeloading butt!

    And the next time friends go out with you, right up front, tell the waiter it's on separate checks "Him and me, and then, well...I don't know how ever you guys want to divide up yours among yourselves...."
    If he then offers up "Oh, that's okay, we'll take care of you guys" just lean in and say "Well, thanks babe, WE appreciate that!" Then eat up, lose your wallet, and lose his phone number with it.

    Can't comment on being over-protective...not enough info. But again, telling him how you're feeling is always better than telling us.
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    Aug 17, 2010 3:02 PM GMT
    Sounds like he's taking advantage, especially with the friends in on it!

    However, do you earn much more than he does? Is he maybe in some financial difficulty and too proud to admit it? Not saying they are excuses, but I definitely think you need to broach the subject - maybe something like "Where are you taking me out next Saturday?" and make it clear it's on him! See what his reaction is.
  • yankeesblazer...

    Posts: 243

    Aug 18, 2010 1:54 AM GMT
    Yeah, in my last relationship we had a rule: since we were both college students with very limited incomes, we agreed to each pay for our own meals. As far as our movie dates went, we would take turns paying each other's way. I would pay one night, he would pay the next. This worked well for us, but the bottom line is that communication is key. Without communication it's going to turn a small problem into a huge problem.
  • HankFit247

    Posts: 205

    Aug 18, 2010 2:00 AM GMT
    Phillybrat saidI agree with the poster above me. Communicate.

    Usually while making dinner plans either I or my BF will say if we have money or not BEFORE we go out to eat. Knowing what you are getting into is better then having it sprung up in your face.


    AGREED!

    Communication is key to any relationship.

    When I've run into this situation, I plan a quiet date at home, (home cooked dinner, bottle of wine, & DVD) once I know were both relaxed and comfortable, I approach the conversation easy and lightly.
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    Aug 18, 2010 2:01 AM GMT
    I think the idea of taking turns paying is a good versus splitting the bill is the better practice, especially if there is a disparity in income. A guy that makes more can invite the other guy out to a higher end place and the guy that makes less can offer to pay when they go to more modest places. Now back to the instant situation, if the boyfriend wants to invite his friends along and his friends can't or won't pay their way, the boyfriend ought to pick up the tab for his friends.
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    Aug 18, 2010 2:10 AM GMT
    BarettaB80 saidValid concern. Too bad he isn't conscious enough to think of it himself, but just bring it up in a non-confrontational way, definitely alone with him and not in front of his friends. That's what I'd do. That should be enough for any reasonable guy. If he gets huffy about it, he's got problems.

    Agree. Though I've never faced this myself. I've never known a guy not to volunteer to pay his own share. I mean, a guy really shouldn't have to be told this, by whatever means, so I already have some suspicions.

    We go out with groups of gays & lesbians all the time, in fact, several nights a week on average. And dividing the check evenly is never an issue, hasn't been in all the years I've known these people. Everybody simply asks what their share is, and somebody does the figuring. We accept that, and ante-up.

    Not once in years has anyone disputed their share, which sometimes may be more to reflect a more expensive meal, or having more drinks. But most times we just split the cost equally by the number of us. Taking out your wallet to pay is an automatic gesture, that I can't imagine any of us not doing.

    I think the OP might need to reevaluate these people, including the guy he's dating.
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    Aug 18, 2010 2:23 AM GMT
    Communication!
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    Aug 18, 2010 2:38 AM GMT
    Dude is fucking with your money so you should definitely say something because money has quite the effect on a relationship/friendship. If you don't say anything about it then he's gonna continue doing it. It's that simple. He's clearly taking advantage of your generosity and if you are willing to let him do it then naturally he's not gonna see a problem with it.

    Better nip it in the bud before it escalates into something worst. Communicate to penetrate what's at stake.

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    Aug 19, 2010 4:37 AM GMT
    I think I agree with everyone. Your boyfriend or date should regularly reciprocate and if he does not, then raise the issue openly even if it makes you feel awkward.

    By the way, I have noticed that when you date younger guys, some (not all) tend to expect the older guy to pay the bill all the time. Have any of you had similar experiences?
  • Daniepwils

    Posts: 151

    Aug 24, 2010 2:45 PM GMT
    Talk to him, maybe there is a reason why he doesn't and is too embarrassed to say so.

    My rule of thumb is, the first and second date, you split it. If there is to be follow-ups' and you start a relationship then you alternate. However, I have dated guys who can't afford to go out every night, and that is understandable. I don't mind paying. BUT if he OFFERS to go out to dinner and can't pay, then yes he is a douche.