Last night, I figured out why I don't want a monogamous relationship.

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    Aug 19, 2010 3:29 PM GMT
    OP Edited for that dreaded political correctness, since some people take shit too literally.
    Also, this is based on personal experience...individual results may vary.
    Void where prohibited by law.
    Wash rinse repeat.


    It just sorta rolled off my tongue last night at the bar, when someone asked why I don't have nor want a boyfriend.
    Without hesitation, I said "because I've always enjoyed hanging out with guys, playing sports, etc. - regardless of whether or not the friendships are sexual - and that is never seldom allowed in gay monogamous relationships because of jealousy, therefore I want no part of it at all."
    The people standing around me just dropped their jaws like "omg he's right!"
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    Aug 19, 2010 3:34 PM GMT
    "I said "because I've always enjoyed hanging out with guys, playing sports, etc. - regardless of whether or not the friendships are sexual - and that is never allowed in gay monogamous relationships because of jealousy, therefore I want no part of it at all."


    We say "I've always enjoyed hanging out with guys, playing sports, etc. where the friendships are not sexual - and that is usually allowed in gay monogamous relationships."

    icon_wink.gif
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    Aug 19, 2010 3:36 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidIt just sorta rolled off my tongue last night at the bar, when someone asked why I don't have nor want a boyfriend.
    Without hesitation, I said "because I've always enjoyed hanging out with guys, playing sports, etc. - regardless of whether or not the friendships are sexual - and that is never allowed in gay monogamous relationships because of jealousy, therefore I want no part of it at all."
    The people standing around me just dropped their jaws like "omg he's right!"


    This is where the jealousy thing comes in, I think. I know monogamous couples who aren't jealous of each other's time and friendships, and I know couples who have broken up when one has wanted a little more just-him time and the other one couldn't deal.
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    Aug 19, 2010 3:39 PM GMT
    meninlove said"I said "because I've always enjoyed hanging out with guys, playing sports, etc. - regardless of whether or not the friendships are sexual - and that is never allowed in gay monogamous relationships because of jealousy, therefore I want no part of it at all."


    We say "I've always enjoyed hanging out with guys, playing sports, etc. where the friendships are not sexual - and that is usually allowed in gay monogamous relationships."

    icon_wink.gif
    Unfortunately my experiences were different. I've never met a man (in real life) who wanted a monogamous relationship, and would allow "his man" to hang out with other guys, particularly if they are attractive. Plus I've always been of the mindset that mutual masturbation with male friends is just a part of male bonding, so there's no possible way I could be monogamous and still bond/hang out with other guys. It totally ruins my psyche.
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    Aug 19, 2010 3:39 PM GMT
    I hang out with guys, play gay softball, and am in a monogamous relationship. It hasn't ever been a problem for us... but maybe it depends on the relationship........I guess
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    Aug 19, 2010 3:40 PM GMT
    I kind of get your point. I haven't ever had that big group of close gay friends, which I think is kind of a shame in many ways - but if I were to start hanging out with lots of gay guys, all completely innocent, I think there's a possibility my partner would be uncomfortable with it, I guess because there's a perception that 'boys will be boys' and something could happen. This worry would probably increase massively if they were all good looking with great bods!

    I suppose it's similar to why it's not very common for straight men to have close female friendships or hang out with women who aren't their partner!
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    Aug 19, 2010 3:41 PM GMT
    No problem with hanging out with other guys here! There is no jealousy, probably because there is full trust.

    Now if the relationship with the "hanging out" with other guys is sexual, then of course that would be a problem because it just means you don't want monogamy sexually.
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    Aug 19, 2010 3:46 PM GMT
    NickFit saidI kind of get your point. I haven't ever had that big group of close gay friends, which I think is kind of a shame in many ways - but if I were to start hanging out with lots of gay guys, all completely innocent, I think there's a possibility my partner would be uncomfortable with it, I guess because there's a perception that 'boys will be boys' and something could happen. This worry would probably increase massively if they were all good looking with great bods!

    I suppose it's similar to why it's not very common for straight men to have close female friendships or hang out with women who aren't their partner!
    You hit the nail on the head.
    It's the "perception" that kills me, and that I will never understand.
    All my life, since childhood, I've never known jealousy. It is literally foreign to me...can't even comprehend it. None of my ex's understood that concept, and constantly thought I didn't "love" them because I wasn't jealous of them. I just believe males were meant to bond together, and preventing them from doing so can be mentally harmful. That's why I enjoy being single, because I can hang out with whomever, do whatever, and have no strings attached except for a healthy friendship.
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    Aug 19, 2010 3:52 PM GMT
    mocktwinkie saidNo problem with hanging out with other guys here! There is no jealousy, probably because there is full trust.

    Now if the relationship with the "hanging out" with other guys is sexual, then of course that would be a problem because it just means you don't want monogamy sexually.
    That brings up the point I stated above, that "mutual masturbation is part of male bonding."
    Even in high school I'd occasionally jack off with some of my friends. Never thought anything more of it than just male horniness, and we took care of it then got back to playing and doing other stuff.
    I guess you're kinda right about the not wanting monogamy thing though. I could never do that for the long term, though I can easily go a few months or so with just one guy (which seems to be the norm anyway).
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    Aug 19, 2010 3:54 PM GMT
    "Plus I've always been of the mindset that mutual masturbation with male friends is just a part of male bonding, so there's no possible way I could be monogamous and still bond/hang out with other guys."

    ...lol, which means you're just not the monogamous type. In monogamy sex is dedicated to the one you love. It is what it is.
    Jealousy is something completely different, and happens in open relationships as well. icon_wink.gif
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    Aug 19, 2010 3:57 PM GMT
    meninlove said "Plus I've always been of the mindset that mutual masturbation with male friends is just a part of male bonding, so there's no possible way I could be monogamous and still bond/hang out with other guys."

    ...lol, which means you're just not the monogamous type. In monogamy sex is dedicated to the one you love. It is what it is.
    Jealousy is something completely different, and happens in open relationships as well. icon_wink.gif
    That is true. My first relationship was open, and he still got jealous when I'd bring home a guy who wasn't into him...which was usually because he was too drunk to play. He had a bad habit of biting dicks when he was drunk, and wondered why none of my flings would have sex with him. icon_lol.gif

    Oh and my 2nd relationship was completely monogamous, and I "cheated" (quickie jackoff) with another guy in our 3rd year because I just couldn't handle it anymore.
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    Aug 19, 2010 4:05 PM GMT
    Well, hate to make a reeeelly bad if unintentional pun, but different strokes for different folks.

    -Doug
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    Aug 19, 2010 4:19 PM GMT
    meninlove said Well, hate to make a reeeelly bad if unintentional pun, but different strokes for different folks.

    -Doug
    I like that pun. icon_lol.gif
    I guess the whole point of the thread is to let people know it's OK to be non-monogamous, as long as they're open with themselves and others about it. Hiding it due to social stigma does nothing but cause heartache for everyone involved. It's mentally debilitating to be in a monogamous relationship when one of the people knows s/he's not a monogamous person to begin with. I guess that's why I sometimes refer to my three "long term" (3.5 yrs each) relationships as "10 years of my life wasted." I knew I wasn't monogamously inclined, but did it only because of social pressure.
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    Aug 19, 2010 4:26 PM GMT
    Playing softball and hangin out with the guys isn't nearly as good as hanging out with ur boyfriend who loves u. When it's a genuine real relationship where ur not only sexually attracted to eachother but it also good friends too, who cares what the guys are doing.

    Depends on the relationship tho. For me it's like Fuck hangin with the guys and playin softball. I'll chill with my bf anyday over that.
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    Aug 19, 2010 5:00 PM GMT
    I'm not sure why bonding between guys requires sexual contact.
    Sounds pretty gay to me, not that there's anything wrong with it. (:

    Seriously, though, straight guys seem to bond just fine without sexual encounters.
    (On my straight football team, nearly half the guys are married but bond.)

    I'm heavily into sports... and my monogamous partner of 14 years (who has other interests).

    Last year he went to Folsum and I went to the gay bowl.

    Labor day weekend he's going out of town to a sci fi convention and I'm going to volunteer for MIST, the gay midwest softball tournament.

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    Aug 19, 2010 6:47 PM GMT
    so_authentic saidFor me it's like Fuck hangin with the guys and playin softball. I'll chill with my bf anyday over that.
    You're only 21. Go a few years without hanging out with people and doing things you "used to" love, then come back and report. icon_wink.gif
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    Aug 19, 2010 6:57 PM GMT
    Caesarea4 saidI'm not sure why bonding between guys requires sexual contact.
    I never said it "requires" sexual contact.
    And mutual masturbation is not sexual contact...it's jacking off while someone else is in visible proximity, even if both parties are touching/groping each other in non-genital areas. I lost count of how many "straight" friends I've jacked off with who would otherwise have no "sexual contact" with another male.

    I think researching different types of male bonding in the Ancient Greek days is paramount to understanding my mindset. To me it's just about having friends. If jacking off occurs between one or more of them, it happens...not a big deal. I've always preferred jacking off to penetrative sex anyway, so this type of friendship works much better for me than only jacking off with one person for the rest of my life. icon_wink.gif
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    Aug 19, 2010 8:25 PM GMT
    Paul I hate all your posts on the forums. I think you enjoy being the underdog. You're the one who is always the one at the end of the day doin something different than anybody else just BECAUSE. Not that I'm knocking down unique people, but seriously. You can argue all you want that you NEEEEED to have sex with all the men in the world or your psyche will be ruined if you aren't sexually freed 24/7 but at the end of the day, and at the end of your life you do once dance alone and that's gonna be your own choice and fault. If you keep running away from men and validating yourself by having guys at a bar who are probably tipsy, (And therefore don't care to argue with your weird statements) then you're going to find yourself a regretful man.

    I think you post SO much about this topic because you're validating yourself and trying to make yourself feel better for being alone. Maybe you like being alone, hell...I love it. But not forever like you keep talking! One day you're gonna want someone 100%!

    You have over 5,000 posts and you're always first to post. Get off these forums and work on finding a guy that's worth 5,300 posts of YOUR TIME. Stop knocking monogamous people and all their ways down because IT WORKS, there's thousands upon thousands of couples who are entirely monogamous, and yes, TRULY monogamous. You may believe for a little second that just because you're older than most people who disagree with you, that you have the right to feel like you're correct...then fine. Flawed logic. But just because one or two bad experiences in your life with men ruined you, it's not to say that the one guy who's waiting for you won't solve all those troubled and dark haunted memories that you always speak of.

    Sincerely,

    A believer of love,

    Justin
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    Aug 19, 2010 9:12 PM GMT
    Yikes, Justin was that necessary?

    We look for Paul's posts, enjoy them very much and sometimes disagree. Everyone learns from each other when the mood is up. Good heavens, he's a perfectly fine man!

    really confused -Doug
  • MuscleComeBac...

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    Aug 19, 2010 9:33 PM GMT
    Justin! Chief....HUH? Hating on a guy you read but don't truly know? Man...that's a bit harsh.

    You seem like an ambitious and very opinionated cat. Your profile talks about being competitive and considering a career in law. It also has this very insightful comment, if I may:

    "i think that egotism is a bad trait but only because society makes it so. most people cannot attain egotism because they aren't good at much, therefore, only a few have egotism, so why idolize it when the rest of us can just hate the trait itself?"

    I'm not going to parse that, as your first year legal writing prof will be harsh enough, no doubt, but as it relates to this exchange - Paul has a very healthy ego which, along with his gunz, he flexes here in a safe community that's relatively judgement free. He has a presence in direct proportion to that ego, and something of a provocative nature. I'd say the same for you, at least based on your profile comments. But there's a great deal of difference between provocateur and parsimonious prick.

    So it's startling that you would lash out at Paul with an ego out of proportion to that which you have attained. And without a direct attack on you. While you may feel his comments are salvos fired across your bow, the reality is that its more self-sabotaging on your part to fire back such a venomous missive thinking it would earn you the egotism you pretend to hate.

    I'm so sorry to see this from you. Truly.
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    Aug 19, 2010 9:48 PM GMT
    I think it all comes down to the company you keep. My friends and I don't sleep/do anything sexual together. If that changed, then there'd be a reason for some jealousy from someone I was dating. If the lines aren't clearly drawn between you, your friends and your partner, then yes there is going to be a chance that something could happen. That in no way shape or form means that you can't hang out with your guy friends, that just means...redefine what "hanging out" means. I have a good group of gay friends, some a lot more attractive than me, but anyone that I date should have no reason to suspect that I'd do anything with any of them because it's just a unanimous rule that it's not something we do.

    If that makes any sense lol
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    Aug 19, 2010 10:00 PM GMT
    meninlove said Yikes, Justin was that necessary?

    We look for Paul's posts, enjoy them very much and sometimes disagree. Everyone learns from each other when the mood is up. Good heavens, he's a perfectly fine man!

    really confused -Doug


    I agree with Justin. Paul is a bit cloying.
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    Aug 19, 2010 10:13 PM GMT
    If you like having multiple partners you're right to steer clear of monogamy. It's not for you. As long as you and your partner/s are happy with your relationship, that's all that matters.
  • Nayro

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    Aug 19, 2010 10:16 PM GMT
    When I saw the topic, I took a guess, who started this. My guess was correct! icon_razz.gif
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    Aug 19, 2010 10:18 PM GMT
    Justin, that's an interesting post.

    I have many questions, but after seeing your age I realized there would be no way you could answer them.

    I don't agree with the OP, but only b/c I'm in a relationship that contradicts his opinions on relationships. Perhaps the OP doesn't want to find a life partner. I know plenty of guys and gals with no interest in a relationship. Is this something they will come to regret? Who can say, but one thing is for certain: at the end of your life, you do one dance, I do one dance ... we all do one dance. Having a partner will not matter because we all dance that last dance alone. We leave this life alone. Our souls are ripped from our material forms in much the same way as they are sewn into them, and having a partner by your side will make no difference.

    This is reality.