Stupid chain emails

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    Aug 22, 2010 4:04 PM GMT
    I get a lot and I mean A LOT of stupid chain emails from my parents but this one actually made me laugh out loud. Usually I don't bother opening them but the subject line said 'Thank You' and since my grandfathers funeral was yesterday I thought it was about that. Anyway here it is:


    > I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
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    > I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
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    > I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
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    > I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
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    > I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
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    > Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
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    > I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
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    > I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat turds in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing, and I no longer eat outmeal for the same reason.
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    > ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open, also for the same reason.
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    > I don't have much money, but that will change once I receive the $1,000,000.00 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for having the right e-mail address.
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    > I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
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    > I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
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    > I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
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    > I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
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    > THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
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    > BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
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    > I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
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    > I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

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    > I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
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    > AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
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    > I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down
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    > I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a free sample of something and rob me.
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    > I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are all actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise, and I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
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    > I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
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    > THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
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    > AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
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    > I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports BP or South American dictators.
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    > I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by a Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
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    > If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .
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    > Oh, by the way.....
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    > A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
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    > Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
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    > PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 22, 2010 11:05 PM GMT
    Fake and Gay! Buahahahaha ;3
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    Aug 22, 2010 11:07 PM GMT
    ...And thanks for introducing me to Nancy Markle, who did a great job letting me know that artificial sweeteners cause Alzheimer's, cancer, blindness and multiple schlerosis; isn't it remarkable that all these ailments were first diagnosed when people began consuming diet drinks?

    ...And thanks for helping us find Megan. For all the e-mails you forwarded, her mother finally has closure and can sleep at night knowing all of the vigilant seniors who read these e-mails found her safe and sound, fed her cheese and crackers and put her on a bus to Pookipsee.

    ...And thanks for telling me about my cell phone's cancer-causing antennae. Now I just e-mail!

    ...And thanks for warning us about fluoridation. I don't care if my teeth rot in my head--there's no way I could ever consume trace poisons that are most likely accumulating in my bones and causing cancer, ulcers and psoriasis.

    ...And thanks for turning us on to homeopathy! I'm so happy to know that I can consume trace poisons that actually counteract the diseases that these chemicals cause in larger doses, just like vaccines!

    ...And thanks for warning us about thimerisol! There's no way I'll ever vaccinate any more of my kids, because, after all, that's why they're all autistic now!
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    Aug 22, 2010 11:15 PM GMT
    How do you forward a thread? I'm afraid my prayer won't be answered if I don't forward this.
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    Aug 22, 2010 11:41 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidHow do you forward a thread? I'm afraid my prayer won't be answered if I don't forward this.


    Select the URL of this page from the address line. Click on the "mail (...)" link in the table of contents above and click on the "Write Mail" link at the top of the mail page. Type the profile name(s) of the 10 friends who you are going to forward this too, separated by commas. Paste the URL in the Message field of the form. Be sure to include a Subject, like "OMG! Don't lose your kidney!"

    Click "Send Mail" and prepare to be spam blocked.
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    Aug 22, 2010 11:53 PM GMT
    Forget praying. Obama went and cancelled the National Day of Prayer, don't ya know? (Must be true. I read it in an email.)
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    Aug 23, 2010 7:33 AM GMT
    AlFriday saidFake and Gay! Buahahahaha ;3

    No, it is an actual chain email (though you are correct about the misinformation contained in it.) I know this because I have 2 “friends” and one co-worker who seem to think that I need every last one of these sent to my email address. I am particularly fond of the ones that threaten me with death if I fail to forward them. One day (it has not yet occurred) I am going to enter her email address into sites that send daily jokes and other such useless crap until it cloggs her inbox. It may be mean- but 5 or 6 of these a week is getting stupid (yes, I have asked her to stop with no success and because she is a coworker I am unable to block her.)

    On a side note, I cured my mother and sister after replying to 10 or 15 emails containing "warnings" such as using cell phones around gas pumps or the likes with the real, verified facts (that such things have never occurred.)
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    Aug 23, 2010 3:00 PM GMT
    mickeytopogigio said
    paulflexes saidHow do you forward a thread? I'm afraid my prayer won't be answered if I don't forward this.


    Select the URL of this page from the address line. Click on the "mail (...)" link in the table of contents above and click on the "Write Mail" link at the top of the mail page. Type the profile name(s) of the 10 friends who you are going to forward this too, separated by commas. Paste the URL in the Message field of the form. Be sure to include a Subject, like "OMG! Don't lose your kidney!"

    Click "Send Mail" and prepare to be spam blocked.
    Thank you! Now my prayer can be answered!
    So, when are you gonna get here? I can't wait! icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 23, 2010 4:01 PM GMT
    ...and let's not forget to thank the people who send chain emails that tell you if you don't forward it to 20 people, the worst things imaginable will happen to you.

    Or the ones that say if you don't forward it to 20 people you won't have millions of dollars appear at your doorstep.
    icon_rolleyes.gif

    icon_lol.gif

    -Doug