Update on end of 8 year relationship...next steps as life goes on...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 23, 2010 7:00 AM GMT
    1/4/12 UPDATE: Great start to a New Year! I met someone and things are starting out pretty great!

    11/30/10 UPDATE: I'm treating this like a blog for anyone that wants to add their two cents or just simply read over. See the end of this thread for my update. Things are getting better...

    10/16/10 UPDATE: I have provided an update as a response to this thread, just click through the pages to find it.

    ORIGINAL POST: Usually, this sort of thing is to talk to friends, family, etc., which I've been doing, but watching the movie Shelter in the background and feeling a little "out-of-it", so thought I'd just field the question to anyone that wanted to reply or have good advice for someone (me) that just ended an 8-year relationship amicably, but feels lost as to who I am and what to do next. I've helped my ex out for so long with his situation that I didn't focus much on myself until now. I'll probably wonder why I posted this in the first place in the morning, but wanted to chance it to see if there are some great ideas/feedback that I haven't thought of...obviously because I'm not omnipotent...thx ahead for any good feedback.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Aug 23, 2010 10:52 AM GMT
    sorry to hear knh,

    Don't know you, but I think it best to get involved more at work and with friends and any hobbies or sports you enjoy. Ocupy your time.

    time heals.
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    Aug 23, 2010 12:18 PM GMT
    It's rough, but try to see the positives of this situation as well. See it as an opportunity to do all the things that you can only do when you're single - travel, meet new people, pursue hobbies and interests that maybe you gave up or had no time for in your relationship.

    Every ending is a new beginning.
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    Aug 23, 2010 12:22 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear that you and your partner have ended a relationship. Be proud of yourself for being ABLE to have a long term relationship. Many gay men cannot.

    My advice is to start a journal. Small talk to yourself at first and then try and build on that. It did help me.

    Good luck
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    Aug 23, 2010 12:30 PM GMT
    Damn. sorry bud.

    my advice is to try to focus on YOU as much as possible. i imagine the last 8 years have been alot of "we". well try to get involved with something that would wouldnt have normally had time for. maybe join a league sports team or something.
    To move on from this you'll need to be in a good place where you are happy with yourself and your life. remember. your life is good. with or with out him. and you have things to do either way.

    hope everything works out buddy
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    Aug 23, 2010 1:31 PM GMT
    Awww poor baby, eat lots and lots of Vanilla Frosting. Hahaha ;3
  • shirty

    Posts: 290

    Aug 23, 2010 1:35 PM GMT
    I agree with most of the advice here, especially the guy who mentioned starting a journal. Writing can be really therapeutic and help to clear your mind. Also, after a relationship it's good to take some time to reflect on it from an honest perspective... what worked and didn't work, what you liked or didn't like, etc. This will help you realize the relationship for what it was and hopefully allow you to move on. It also puts you in a better position for whenever the next guy comes along because you've taken time to learn from your last relationship.

    Keep your chin up and try to do things that bring you joy. The rest is a matter of time...
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    Aug 23, 2010 3:40 PM GMT
    I actually believe there is no advice I can give.. I think the loss of a life partner is he same kind of loss and grief affect as losing a loved one... its contstanty cycling through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining and accpetance, until your brain has readjused its neuronal make-up to the new situation... or basically until youve gone through the grief period... which in most peoples cases lasts about a year... it ll get easier in the meantime, ont worry about that, but there is no quick fix solution, you need to grieve it out

    IM REALLY SORRY FOR TELLING YUO THAT!!!! icon_sad.gif


    5129.jpg
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    Aug 23, 2010 7:28 PM GMT
    Consider seeing a therapist. It helps a lot of people sort out their emotions at a confusing time. After 8 years, it's a divorce, one of the most traumatic experiences people ever have.

    Also, give yourself plenty of time to just be yourself, don't think too much about your next steps. Don't rush yourself.
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    Aug 24, 2010 1:22 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear that, buddy. As one who was with someone for 11 years and has now been single for one... well... it's difficult, but does get better. I'm still not sure where I'm at emotionally, but I've started dating (cautiously - in no rush).

    Distractions help - but feeling is what's most important. Don't deny them! And if it helps, therapy and journals are not a bad idea. But you will go through what you go through in the time that it takes for YOU to go through it.

    Try to be thankful for all the other great and small things in your life - and what you have learned from this experience, because not everyone (apparently) gets to have someone special for any significant length of time.

    There are no guarantees in life... but we can learn to enjoy the process if we let ourselves. And perhaps comfort others. I wish you well on this new path. You seem like a handsome, intelligent guy. Your'e already a cut above. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 24, 2010 1:24 AM GMT
    thanks guys for all your posts! I appreciate your realistic recommendations and will take each of them into consideration. I'll reply to each of your comments, because hey, I'm like that. Generically speaking, i appreciate each of you taking the time to respond with either personally-used perspectives, humor, or directness. Thanks Again!
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    Aug 24, 2010 3:08 AM GMT
    Good for you to have an 8-year long relationship. It also speaks highly of you two to end it amicably. You had enough courage to let something so familiar break away. Not many people can do that and still come out with a positive experience. I agree with the advice to write and just keep your hobbies.
    Learn to be OK with yourself. You are going to look at things or do things and they will remind you of him. Learn to be not lonely when you are alone.
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    Aug 24, 2010 3:28 AM GMT
    Give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions you're feeling. Too many times people don't fully accept a loss and shove it down only to have those emotions to come back with a vengeance, often in self-destructive ways. It's ok to feel the hurt, then you can start on a solid path of healing.
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    Sep 01, 2010 5:56 AM GMT
    and things just got more complicated. turns out that living together for much longer isn't going to work out...
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Sep 01, 2010 6:33 AM GMT
    Wow...first off sorry to hear about the break-up. So many questions in relation to moving and I suppose depending on if you live in an apartment or condo or house. Also were any pre-nups signed...wow it is almost like a divorce. As far as the living situation, is there a clear determination of who will stay and who will move? Regardless of who has to move, hopefully you guys can come up with a reasonable time frame as far as moving and finding another place. Hopefully you guys are still keeping lines of communication open.
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    Sep 01, 2010 8:25 AM GMT
    First of all, don't watch that shit movie!
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Sep 01, 2010 9:04 AM GMT
    I ended my 3 years long relationship in a bizarre way (don't ask!), and at first I was so fucked up, thinking that I can't live without him...As time goes by, I can see all the mistakes we made...and it is not only my fault, like I used to think, but both of us. It takes two for war and love, doesn't it?
    Today, I am happy, single and fabulous. It took me 6 months since we broke up to get a grip, I was even medicated ( prozak) cause of low self esteem.
    My advice- be strong and it's true what they say- time heals EVERYTHING.
    Good luck, mateicon_smile.gif
  • Kage

    Posts: 707

    Sep 01, 2010 9:24 AM GMT
    knhGAM saidUsually, this sort of thing is to talk to friends, family, etc., which I've been doing, but watching the movie Shelter in the background and feeling a little "out-of-it", so thought I'd just field the question to anyone that wanted to reply or have good advice for someone (me) that just ended an 8-year relationship amicably, but feels lost as to who I am and what to do next. I've helped my ex out for so long with his situation that I didn't focus much on myself until now. I'll probably wonder why I posted this in the first place in the morning, but wanted to chance it to see if there are some great ideas/feedback that I haven't thought of...obviously because I'm not omnipotent...thx ahead for any good feedback.


    Sorry to hear this.
    It might be a good idea to take a few days off from work just to get things in order and see what you want to do.

    Change your routine.
    You might find that the old routine was because of the partnership and a new routine might work for you better.
    Change gyms. If you went to gym together it might not be the best thing to see him constantly at the same gym.

    Eat different food, try some new experiences, get a haircut, change your wardrobe.

    Change is good for you now.
    You might discover things about yourself that you never knew.

    You'll be fine. icon_wink.gif

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    Oct 16, 2010 7:49 AM GMT
    So I thought I'd give an update. Thanks again to everyone that's posted a response or mailed me directly. It means a lot to me to get insightful feedback, and words of encouragement (of course, with the occasional witty remark). icon_smile.gif

    I originally thought about deleting this forum topic, but have found out from other RJ members how helpful reading this topic and responses (in conjunction with other posts like this one) have been, so I'm leaving it up because if it helps someone else, totally worth putting myself out there.

    My ex has moved out and I decided to not get a roommate, so that I can experience living by myself for once in my life. He and I both agreed that this is an opportunity for each of us to be better individuals from this point forward. I will also be starting a new job that relates better with my studies. My friends and family have helped me immensely throughout this experience by listening to me as I go through the natural process of emotions, reflecting, remembering, sadness, happiness, etc. I am beginning to find an okay approach to balancing life's stuff including school, work, fitness, social life, and other personal responsibilities; although insomnia and motivation-issues still crop up. I have also tried the journal idea, did contact a counselor, but waiting to hear back, so I did actually approach the suggestions presented. Before I go into a thesis here, I'll leave with these words as I went through my goodbye:

    "I hold you again, as an ending to what was. Although things were bad towards the end, the actual end itself was bittersweet. I hold you and flashes of happiness, intimacy, and love fill me so readily. We had many good times, some great; but this ending was needed for both of us to find greater things about ourselves..., and to make this one life more meaningful, and not so full of sadness, anger, and disappointment."

    Thanks again guys! icon_smile.gif
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    Oct 16, 2010 8:05 AM GMT
    NickFit said
    Every ending is a new beginning.


    My wisdom for the day dude, damn!
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    Oct 16, 2010 8:13 AM GMT
    Hi,

    I just broke up a 3 1/2 year relationship myself. I know the emptiness feeling and the lost of certainty. I am dealing with it putting my head in other places like work, career, friends, family and most important, keeping myself busy!!!

    I don't know either why I am posting this as an answer but I can't sleep and as soon as I saw that I cant stop typing....

    I guess I really need to get over it and deal with reality of being alone for a while.... icon_mad.gif

    We will get over and know exactly what to do in the morning but I really have to thank you for your post. I can imagine how you are feeling....

    Keep me posted if you find some miracle treatment for broken heart.... LOL
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    Oct 16, 2010 2:06 PM GMT
    You live in Columbus, Oho, for Christ sake. Give it ip. Reisgn yourself to a life of loniliness and pain. J/k

    Sorry to hear about your breakup after 8 years. You are still young with a great body and decent looks.

    Try not to make all those goofy faces when you first meet a guy. Let him see how good looking you are before going all clown on him.

    Finding another guy isn't going to be easy. And dating is a bitch.
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Oct 16, 2010 2:16 PM GMT
    best of luck to you buddy!! hope things work out in whichever direction your life takes you!
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    Oct 16, 2010 2:37 PM GMT
    good luck to new beginnings!
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    Oct 16, 2010 7:09 PM GMT
    lol @ caslon post...nice to know I'm not a but-da-face (aka brown bag 'em)! icon_smile.gif

    I know I'm not everyone's flavor, but I am to some...and that's good enough for me! Anyways, as to dating and all that stuff, I'm focusing on rediscovery right now...there's lots that I learned being in an 8-year relationship, and it's time I figure myself out better, you know, be more comfortable and confident in my own skin. If I happen to catch the eye of someone that also catches my eye while I'm in the rediscovery process, and we agree to follow similar paths for a while, that would be nice, but not necessary. One of the important things I discovered in my past recent relationship is that I want someone that wants to be part of a family, which includes my family and friends, not just someone I can call a partner or boyfriend...that's not to stab at anyone out there that has a different definition of what they're looking for...hey, we gotta find what we want in life that makes us happy, so everyone's different.

    "And so it goes, everyone knows, and so it goes..." ~Billy Joel