Friends first!....

  • Desmondlug

    Posts: 92

    Aug 25, 2010 3:26 AM GMT
    From relationships we all learn a lot. Something I have noticed is that relationships don't last that long these days. Something interesting I read about is that people should be friends first before dating. Some people were friends for years before dating. How many people believe that? Supposedly its the secret to a long lasting relationship.
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    Aug 25, 2010 3:29 AM GMT
    the secret is not fucking up your relationship, and rushing into one is certainly a way to do that
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    Aug 25, 2010 3:34 AM GMT
    I don't Think you necessarily need to be friends for years, but getting into a relationship with a guy you couldn't or wouldn't be friends with is IMO not a good idea. In a LTR there are times when the romance fades and that's when the friendship aspect is crucial if you're gonna make the long haul. When the romance comes back, it's even better.
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    Aug 25, 2010 3:42 AM GMT
    Yes you need to be friends, I always intend to be
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    Aug 25, 2010 3:44 AM GMT
    Ok, here's a zinger. Is your boyfriend / partner your ' best friend'?

    Meaning, do you have a best friend outside of the relationship that you vent to , etc... Or is your bf / lover / best friend all the same guy?

    Me: I need an external best friend... An unbiased opinion to maybe question some of my thoughts...

    ...
  • JJ_Atoli

    Posts: 295

    Aug 25, 2010 3:52 AM GMT
    I don't think it's all that important to be friends first.
    I've actually had the very opposite experience.
    My best relationships were actually with people I had never met before we started dating or went on a date.
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    Aug 25, 2010 3:56 AM GMT
    wi2sd saidOk, here's a zinger. Is your boyfriend / partner your ' best friend'?

    Meaning, do you have a best friend outside of the relationship that you vent to , etc... Or is your bf / lover / best friend all the same guy?

    Me: I need an external best friend... An unbiased opinion to maybe question some of my thoughts...

    ...


    This. I have two really good friends that I've known for years (one for about fifteen!). They know me, and they know when I'm trying to blow things out of proportion or justify something in a relationship. They're great to turn to when I need advice.

    They're also great to have around when he's out of town for gigs, so I don't go crazy wanting him back home.

    EDIT: missed a response to the OP there. Lol.

    My boyfriend and I hung out for a few months before we made it official. I was pretty leery of starting a relationship up, but everything was just falling into place far too easily to ignore.
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    Aug 25, 2010 3:57 AM GMT
    wi2sd saidOk, here's a zinger. Is your boyfriend / partner your ' best friend'?

    Meaning, do you have a best friend outside of the relationship that you vent to , etc... Or is your bf / lover / best friend all the same guy?

    Me: I need an external best friend... An unbiased opinion to maybe question some of my thoughts...

    ...

    Personally, I have some very close friends that I confide in and we share personal information and help one another. However, I never tell them things or discuss aspects of my relationship that I haven't also shared with my partner. With that said, I might ask their opinion on how to approach a subject with my partner, but I never withhold information from my man.
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    Aug 25, 2010 8:06 AM GMT
    I hardly believe there is only one method for creating long-lasting relationships. Some prefer to become friends before jumping into relationships--others do not need that initial stage.

    Do whatever works for you and your future partner.
  • Leo123

    Posts: 126

    Aug 25, 2010 9:57 AM GMT
    Great topic, I actually tried to start a similar forum but it never went forward.

    YES, I tend to foster romantic feelings ONLY with guys I'm very familiar / acquainted with. I'm a big fan of friends first.

    The reason is simple, if you're friends first, you have all the foundation already. You know the good and bad character traits and you know how to deal with that guy day in day out.

    Ultimately, your boyfriend needs to be your friend too otherwise it doesn't work.


  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 25, 2010 10:01 AM GMT
    Sometimes a relationship can develop from a friendship .... but mostly not

    Just like in the str8 world when you meet someone
    They say be careful of falling into the "Friend zone"
    It's true that there needs to be that sexual spark between guys .... if it's not there now
    It probably won't be there later on
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    Aug 25, 2010 11:31 AM GMT
    How can you know if you want to be friends if you don't have sex first?
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    Aug 25, 2010 12:37 PM GMT
    I'm actually now asking myself if I want to even start a relationship with this guy I'm getting to know.

    We weren't friends, we've just been on one brief dinner date and I decided to stay at his place for a few days to better get to know him as he lives about 2 1/2 hours away. We fooled around a few times and I'm fine with it, nothing other than that however. I still hardly know him and I don't wanna jump into anything because of that.

    I just know from experience that not knowing someone/being friends can cause a bumpy road later in the relationship even if it's a few weeks later. I don't know if I'm potentially dooming myself to repeat the same events again. He seems to be a great guy and cares genuinely about me. I just don't know him that well to go forward with anything serious and I really believe it's too soon to say anything yet.

    I'd say at least to the OP it's way better to at least have an idea about how your potential mate is and not their "agent". This is what I'm waiting to see myself honestly.
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    Aug 25, 2010 12:45 PM GMT
    I think starting off as friends is a good foundation. Maybe not for years though!

    Surely a relationship based on a friendship is more likely to be successful and long-lasting than one based purely on lust and physical attraction? Hopefully that's there too, but if you jump into a relationship just because you like each other sexually but realise you don't like each other or get on as people, well it's doomed basically.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Aug 25, 2010 12:57 PM GMT
    It's an interesting question for me, but I have to say that it's completely outside my experience. When I met the guys who became my friends, there was no sexual spark there. They may be good looking or average looking, but it was our mutual interests, common experiences growing up, later shared experiences etc that strengthened our bond of friendship. When I met the guys who became my boyfriends, and my current husband, I knew within an hour that there was sexual chemistry there, in addition to common pleasure in sharing each other's company... all before we hopped in the sack. I think the 'getting to know you' time frame ranged between second date (first bf), 3 long days (husband), and 5 or more dates (second bf... the one who forged checks in my name!) before having sex. All of them lasted 1 year or more. The other guys... that was just physical attraction and a few evenings of mutual pleasure.
  • davidnta

    Posts: 86

    Aug 25, 2010 1:19 PM GMT
    Desmondlug saidFrom relationships we all learn a lot. Something I have noticed is that relationships don't last that long these days. Something interesting I read about is that people should be friends first before dating. Some people were friends for years before dating. How many people believe that? Supposedly its the secret to a long lasting relationship.


    Jonathan and I started out as friends 2 1/2 years before we started dating. Now we've been together for almost 5 years and just recently got engaged icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 25, 2010 3:54 PM GMT



    See this?


    photoschau_1237877487895.jpg


    How those two pieces find each other is up to you. It can happen with a friend, it can happen with a stranger. I say this because friends are very very unlikely to be exactly like you...so is someone you don't know that well. Life is a much larger jigsaw puzzle and there is more than one perfect fit for each person.

    I like to phrase it that my Bill is one of 'The Ones' (notice the plural)

    -Doug
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    Aug 25, 2010 4:04 PM GMT
    meninlove said


    See this?


    photoschau_1237877487895.jpg


    How those two pieces find each other is up to you. It can happen with a friend, it can happen with a stranger. I say this because friends are very very unlikely to be exactly like you...so is someone you don't know that well. Life is a much larger jigsaw puzzle and there is more than one perfect fit for each person.

    I like to phrase it that my Bill is one of 'The Ones' (notice the plural)

    -Doug


    You is the 'top' and me is the btm icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 25, 2010 4:19 PM GMT
    ROFL!
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    Aug 25, 2010 4:28 PM GMT
    I don't know is this is being too obvious, or redundant to any of the above, but my best friend is my partner. It was also the same with me and my late partner. They have both been the guy I was closest to, trusted the most, with whom I shared the most. If that hadn't been the case they would never have been my partner in the first place. And so long as we remain best friends, we will be together forever.

    My partner & I are friends as much as lovers. I'll sometimes refer to others as one of my "best friends" but that naturally assumes my partner has first billing, before anyone else.

    I'm very fortunate, mostly because of my partner, to have very many other friends. Recognizing I lack social skills myself, not being a naturally friendly & outgoing person on my own, I have deliberately looked to align myself with guys who have those skills I lack. Both my late & current partners were easy to identify as gregarious & popular men, and so that helped to endear them to me, as it has endeared many others to them.

    paulflexes and others here have met my best friend, my partner, and I think can affirm what I say -- that his charm is irresistible, one of those "life of the party" guys you want to be around. And that I in turn ride the coattails of, and his friendliness rubs off on me when I've with him, he inspires me to try to copy him. But that's good, what I want, because the alternative, if left to my own devices, is to be left standing alone out in the cold.

    So in a way I build my life around my friends. I guess I can do that now, being retired and having no career considerations or obligations anymore. I can associate with whomever I wish, and they are first & foremost -- my friends. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 25, 2010 9:18 PM GMT
    You have to have CHEMISTRY -- but you also need to be friends,

    In my case, I slept with the man who is now my live-in boyfriend the night we met.

    But without the friendship that ensued, we could not sustain the fullness and richness of our current relationship.
  • DrewT

    Posts: 1327

    Aug 25, 2010 10:28 PM GMT
    There has to be more to a relationship than sex. If your significant other is incompatible in ever way but sexually, it won't work. I don't rush into anything and someone I recently dated is now a friend. Sometimes friends stay friends, sometimes not.

    I don't necessarily think people have to be friends first, but if you don't like someone and wouldn't hang out with them unless they dated you, it won't work. icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 25, 2010 10:45 PM GMT
    Making a romantic partner into a friend is a sure way to kill the passion. And it's very difficult to turn a friend into a partner also. Relationships (friend or lover) tend to develop these natural boundaries. Trying to suddenly get romantic with a friend can feel pretty creepy....kind of like coming on to a family member.
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    Aug 25, 2010 10:51 PM GMT
    I like this idea. I've tried plenty of times to see a casual hook up turn into a relationship and it never lasts long. Obviously because all we had in common was in bed. I have many times wished that I could find a guy that was a friend first then grew into the kind of relationship I sometimes lie awake at night thinking about.
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    Aug 25, 2010 11:31 PM GMT
    I think the best precursor to a relationship is a friendship that begins with some physical attraction. As already commented, a hookup often does not lead to a long lasting relationship because the attraction is often only physical. Also a friendship that has developed over time without any physical attraction is also problematic because if an attraction did not exist early, if often, but not always, will not appear later.

    I think a friendship that develops with physical attraction in the beginning is the best foundation. My sense is not going full bore acting on the physical attraction, keeping things more casual while the friendship deepens can provide the best foundation, but I can imagine if all the ingredients of a friendship exist, more intense physical interaction won't hurt either.