Why are some gay men single most of there lives?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2008 1:20 PM GMT
    Guys lets all play Dr. Phil and come up with some reasoning to why some guys just can't find someone special in their lives.

    My 2 cents:

    -Bad attitude.

    -Looking for Mr. Perfect that just is not realistic.

    -Never learned to share.

    -His head is bigger than his bicepts

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2008 1:59 PM GMT
    I believe I qualify for that second one.

    My mind tells me "Be realistic"
    But my heart tells me "Never settle"

    It's quite the civil war.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2008 2:39 PM GMT
    Straight men have trouble settling down so it is no surprise that gay men do. Even when straight guys are married they often "stray".

    Here are some reasons I can think of:

    - Have been hurt by a couple of bad relationships and are gun shy;

    - Live in a place (e.g. country) where gays are underground, and it is illegal;

    - Live in a society that is tolerant of gays but live in a small town or city where there are not that many gays around.

    - Have trouble communicating to other guys in a honest, meaningful way. Communication is probably the most important part of any successful relationship.

    - Not really interested in a monogamous relationship, more interested in a variety of sexual partners.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2008 3:07 PM GMT
    We have an odd fairytale in the west that every princess has her prince, everyone is destined for love, you will someday find 'the one'. Well, some people are just not made for long term monogamous relationships. They would be better off learning to live with themselves than trying to live with someone else.
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    Feb 22, 2008 3:10 PM GMT
    I just don't think that anyone is good enough. It really takes a special guy for me to get serious with. Although I am content to just hang around for awhile and wait.

    I think the major problem with gay men and long term relationships is that we let our penises do the thinking. Its sad!
  • kinetic

    Posts: 1125

    Feb 22, 2008 3:16 PM GMT
    Now more than ever in my life I'm beginning to think that being men interested in men, we know how men can be.
    Armed with this knowledge, maybe there are a lot of us that would just rather not put up w/ all the bullshit guys can bring.
    Lets face it, guys can really suck! Also, maybe it’s also the sucky guys that never pair up because they aren't capable.
    ??? -Who knows?
    I think there are also plenty out there that prefer to be single because it allows them to be more promiscuous and/or they are just plain happier that way.
    Takes all kind I guess. :icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2008 3:26 PM GMT
    kinetic saidNow more than ever in my life I'm beginning to think that being men interested in men, we know how men can be.
    Armed with this knowledge, maybe there are a lot of us that would just rather not put up w/ all the bullshit guys can bring.
    Lets face it, guys can really suck! Also, maybe it’s also the sucky guys that never pair up because they aren't capable.
    ??? -Who knows?
    I think there are also plenty out there that prefer to be single because it allows them to be more promiscuous and/or they are just plain happier that way.
    Takes all kind I guess. :icon_rolleyes.gif


    Kinetic, to me you are too young to get down on the possibility of LTRs. I did not find the right guy until I was 37! I guess you fall into my first bullet point about bad experiences?icon_sad.gif
  • kasch33

    Posts: 52

    Feb 22, 2008 3:26 PM GMT
    I have to chime in on this one. Part of the reason I'm still single is that from about the age of 27 (prior to this I had a couple of year-long relationships that just never stuck) I decided to make my career a priority. I made several moves and had to travel extensively. It always made dating difficult. Now that I've slowed down, I'm living in a very small town where the dating pool is limited; I'm certainly not going to settle now, just because it seems like I should have a boyfriend.
  • kinetic

    Posts: 1125

    Feb 22, 2008 3:46 PM GMT
    jbed- you are so right.
    I'm a bit jaded from just leaving a fuct-up relationship.
    At the same time I agree w/ kasch about making career a priority.
    I feel that since I am now free of my previous situation, its time to focus on my aspirations that have been on the back burner for far too long.
    For me that is concentrating on my career (which I am finally doing; I just landed an amazing job!!!), pursuing grad school (eventually) and really just taking things slow/enjoying being single. icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2008 4:00 PM GMT
    In my case I let my career, moves, promotions ruin three great relationships. I know it takes two to tango (funny analogy) but I know now that I could have handled some things differently in the 90s.

    It's ok though - I've learned a lot - and am dating some really good guys, and if I meet someone who is right for me again, I'll appreciate him more - and not let career and moves take precedence over the guys in my life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2008 4:02 PM GMT
    There are probably some guys who are content with being single. I know that the main reason that I'm single is that I live on an Island without much of a selection of gay men. Even so, I do find that I am rather content with the fact that I'm almost 34 an single.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2008 4:52 PM GMT
    Inability to approach others. This may be due to cowardice, insecurity, low self-esteem, being closeted, or all the above.

    Edit: This is only one reason/factor/aspect, not an umbrella generalization.
  • jarhead5536

    Posts: 1348

    Feb 22, 2008 4:53 PM GMT
    I feel that it's as simple as genetic hard-wiring. It is in the DNA of the male of our species to spread his seed as often as possible to as many females (or, in our case, partners) as possible, thereby securing his genetic dominance of the environment. Females of our species, conversely (and somewhat ironically) are hard-wired to be selective in their choices, seeking out the most virile, powerful males so that the children they bear are provided the best available safety and security to allow them to grow to maturity (virility and power have, in modern times, morphed into wealth and status). In monogamous societies such as Western civilization, the female has a stabilizing influence over the male, circumventing (although clearly not entirely) the male's biological imperative for promiscuity.

    We have difficulty settling down, in my opinion, due to the lack of the stabilizing influence of female sexual partners. This is of course not an absolute. We are sentient beings with free will, and can choose or not to override our wiring.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2008 5:10 PM GMT
    So here is what I tell all of my straight friends, male & female, and it seems to make sense to them.

    To the guys mostly, how many times do you see a chick, whether it's your GF/wife or some random chick, and how many times do you just wanna simply hit it and go? The response I get is, MOST of the time! So then I tell them to put two people, guys, who think the same way about sex and BAM you have us!!! Then they all seem to "get it/us" and why the assumption is that we're all promiscuous and what not....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2008 5:15 PM GMT
    lt depends on what you want from a relationship! ln my younger days l never thought of settling down ever but as l mature in nature and mind having someone to look after suits me! You must both have your seperate interests and kick out all that jealousy and just trust one another and TALK always if there is a problem even if it hurt's. Well that's my idea!
    Putting him first before yourself.
  • metta

    Posts: 39118

    Feb 22, 2008 5:29 PM GMT

    For me, it has to be several reasons.

    1. I'm somewhat shy and don't meet new people very often (almost never).

    2. I live a hectic life and the other person needs to be flexible enough to understand that. Running my businesses take a lot of my time.

    3. No clique. It is very rare for me to meet someone that really impresses me. Maybe that means my standards are too high but there are some qualities that I find vital: a combination of intelligence, passion for life, attractiveness, a respect for what is important to me (such as being a vegetarian, protecting the environment, being honest with each other), etc.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2008 5:29 PM GMT
    I live in a city with so many single gay men and I believe that so many of them are single for the following reasons.

    1. Commitment issues.

    2. Thinking something better might come along.

    3. Partying is more important to them.

    4. Unrealistic expectations of the perfect bf for them.

    5. Not willing to make any changes in their lives to try to make a relationship work.

    6. They stay single for so long because of these issues and then they become set in their ways which then makes it harder to ever see themselves in a relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2008 5:31 PM GMT
    Jbed, you're right.. I fall under those first three you listed. There's also the part where I put off everything for my ex, we lived together for 2 years, and after that was over.. I started to focus on myself. Finding a man is not my priority, I am. Been single for over 2 years now, granted it gets lonely, but I couldn't be happier.

    Back to the topic.. you hardly ever see a gay male couple that has been together for years, and I love it when I do see it. It gives you hope. Maybe all the guys out there just don't want hook-ups, and this site has proved to me that there are guys out there who actually want something.
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    Feb 22, 2008 5:36 PM GMT
    I've been out since I was 21 so that would be about 17 years now. I've had two 5-year relationships, one 1-year, and 8 months. So at least for me, the majority of my life has been coupled.

    Having said that, and being single now, when it seems so difficult to find a guy who is right for me, being single feels like an eternity. At this point I'm pretty content being single and being able to do whatever I want. I want a realtionship again, but I'm not going to torture myself over it. My Golden Retriever is about to have puppies (which is a HUGE deal for me), I've got new responsibilities in my career, and I've learned to be comfortable and happy with myself.

    I think gay men shouldlearn to be single, not for promiscuity and amassing as many sexual experiences as one car, but to be comfortable with just themselves. When a right man comes into your life, you'll have a better appreciation for couplehood and for being single.

    That being said, my dating experiences have shown me, more often than not, guys who say they want a relationship really don't, and get terrified when faced someone who does want one. And mostly, I've found, this fear comes from some insecurity. It may be financial, it may be social. but its that insecurity that keeps many gay men single, IMHO.
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Feb 22, 2008 6:45 PM GMT
    How about simply other priorities?

    I mean, right now I'm not meeting anyone because I spend most of my life in the lab, working. And I know I'll be moving in not too long. Dating is simply not high on my priority list right now.
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    Feb 22, 2008 7:16 PM GMT
    lilmaninsic said:

    Back to the topic.. you hardly ever see a gay male couple that has been together for years, and I love it when I do see it. It gives you hope. Maybe all the guys out there just don't want hook-ups, and this site has proved to me that there are guys out there who actually want something.

    I agree that gay men in LTR seem rare, in actual fact I have met quite a few in the last 5 years. My mom's 69-yr. old helper has been with his partner since 1969, my Doctor and his partner are celebrating 20 yrs. this year. On my softball team there were 4 couples that had been together 10 years or more. I just celebrated my 10th year.

    I think the problem is these couples do not mingle in the mainstream gay lifestyle much so you don't think they exist. They do but they have a tendency to mingle with other couples.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Feb 22, 2008 8:10 PM GMT


    well, it seems that being single is a bad thing here...here are mine:

    1. Although I am interdependent [relying on help from family, friends, and those around me]...I am a fairly independent person.

    2. I have tough standards. There are some things that I just wont compromise on [i.e. sex with others outside my relationships]. I have gotten "pickier" as I have gotten older.

    3. I find being in my own company and the company of friends and family satisfying. I don't really need someone living with me or sleeping with me to feel "complete". I have a good sense of community at work and at play so there is no desperation to find someone...when they come along great...until then...great.

    4. OK...the ONE Dr. Phil thing that I can think of which might make me hesitate in dating [although I am becoming much more comfortable with this the longer I am HIV positive] is fear of rejection for being positive...disclosure held me back initially from putting myself out there, but I have had some time to practice [with a few successes and failures] and this issue is becoming less of one...

    - David
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2008 8:11 PM GMT
    Maybe they feel they have their shit together and are afraid that someone without his shit together (a disproportionate number of gay guys, btw) will come in and erode it. We've all seen those guys who'll suck the life out of you and not care about the trail of destruction they leave behind.

    In other words, maybe it's a self-protective thing?
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Feb 22, 2008 8:12 PM GMT

    ...ooooh...I like this last answer...this might also be applicable to my situation...

    - David
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 22, 2008 8:22 PM GMT
    I think in many cases it is because they choose to be alone .. like a Desperado ..