How Much Do You Risk Your Heart?

  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Aug 26, 2010 12:32 AM GMT
    I have come, sloooooowwly, to accept that I'm a big risk guy. I put a lot out there, take big hits, frequently, and go down hard, then get back up and come back out with the same fucking enthusiasm and 'heart-on-sleeve' abandon as before - actually, more.

    I don't fall in love with alarming regularity, but I do tend to dive into romance. I don't see why not, take a risk and see what fate brings. Granted I have to be genuinely attracted to a guy, but if it's there - hey, who knows!? Right?

    But lately I've encountered SO many guys - some my age - late forties, early fifties - and even more who are younger in their 30's and late 20's, who are pretty damn beaten up and suspect and not very willing to believe in something other than the inevitable fourth act of a bad opera - stage littered with bodies and tears and one lone tenor wailing away by himself. Cynical isn't a sufficient adjective. They're downright suspect of oxygen! LOL

    So, at what point, or what sort of event in your life would you decide that enough was enough and that retreat and defeat was easier than taking a chance on romance and maybe, just maybe, even love?
  • TristanLane

    Posts: 118

    Aug 26, 2010 12:39 AM GMT
    Depends on the person. I wasn't in a relationship for a very long time because I was unhappy with myself. You can't be happy with someone else until you love yourself. I think a lot of people jump the gun and rush into relationships and fall down once their weakness(s) are revealed.
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    Aug 26, 2010 12:40 AM GMT
    I use to be that way. Really put my heart out there, always my heart on my sleeve but after my 3rd relationship I stopped caring. I had cancer at the time under going chemo and he cheated on me at the time. Even though I was undergoing the chemo and didn't always feel like having sex I did so anyway to keep him happy. But still he cheated anyway. That was my breaking point. I haven't been on as much as a date since then.
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    Aug 26, 2010 2:36 AM GMT
    Holy crow. josephga, I just listened to your cover of Home.



    ......wow......


    -Doug

    PS oops sorry, back on topic. I think there's nothing wrong with hitting hard and then taking break to nurse to bumps n bruises. What distresses me is seeing people in their own captivity, slamming the doors on the future because of the past.


    I use to play this gal's song when I was licking' my wounds.

  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Aug 26, 2010 2:41 AM GMT
    meninlove said Holy crow. josephga, I just listened to your cover of Home.

    ......wow......


    I know, right? It's great!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Aug 26, 2010 2:45 AM GMT
    So I would say then you have such things as RJ crushes huh Mr. Muscle come back?

  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Aug 26, 2010 2:53 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidSo I would say then you have such things as RJ crushes huh Mr. Muscle come back?


    LOL Oh, c'mon...those don't count. If they did I'd be ideally suited for somebody's Doctoral case-study! Yeeesh, between you and MMTM, if RJ crushes were the issue I'd be typing this while on route to the hospital with a broken heart.
  • myklet1

    Posts: 345

    Aug 26, 2010 2:53 AM GMT
    I was in every wasted relationship known to man. I had enough. I stayed by myself.........totally for 6yrs. I was happy and didn't want a man. I was visiting a friend at her condo, and her neighbor came over to get a set of keys he had left and we met. It has never been like me to jump into things - I have a real hard time trusting people, He invited me over to his condo to hang out and I thought what the heck. I knew I was not out for anything. We stayed up all night watching movies and talking. From that night on, we have never been apart. It has been fourteen years of wonderful. It was magic and there is magic out there for everybody. It was worth getting hurt all the other times.
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    Aug 26, 2010 2:57 AM GMT
    MuscleComeBack saidSo, at what point, or what sort of event in your life would you decide that enough was enough and that retreat and defeat was easier than taking a chance on romance and maybe, just maybe, even love?

    At times you retreat, and hide away, until the hurt heals, like a sick cat does. I did that when my partner died. But then, hopefully, you come back.

    You wouldn't know it to talk with me in person, but I am perpetually optimistic. I like to say that I thrive wherever I'm planted, and that refers not only to the location, but also the circumstances.

    But that are people not like that, who get beaten down by defeat & disappointment. I think that's a basic character issue than we can't address. Either you can deal with adversity & disappointments, or you cannot. Some people can, and some people can't.

    More specifically to our OP's question, I've always been willing to take a chance on love. Maybe that's why I always found it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

    The analogy I often use is fishing, one of my pastimes. You drop bait dozens of times without getting a nibble, And when you do get a nibble, you may not hook anything. And when you do hook something, and haul it in, it may not be a keeper, and you throw it back.

    Gay love is the same way. You keep going at it, until you hook a keeper. May happen tomorrow, may not happen for years. But like a patient fisherman, you have to believe that some day you'll land that great catch.

    If you don't believe that, then yeah, you might as well cut bait and go home right now.
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    Aug 26, 2010 3:01 AM GMT
    myklet1 said We stayed up all night watching movies and talking. From that night on, we have never been apart. It has been fourteen years of wonderful. It was magic and there is magic out there for everybody. It was worth getting hurt all the other times.


    lol, it is a divine irony of the pleasant sort, isn't it? If any of my past heartaches had won, my present wouldn't be.
    Looking back, I'm glad none of those relationships worked out, or that I had remained in them, else I wouldn't have met Bill.

    -Doug

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    Aug 26, 2010 3:04 AM GMT
    meninlove said Looking back, I'm glad none of those relationships worked out, or that I had remained in them, else I wouldn't have met Bill.

    -Doug

    You say such lovely things, Would that we could all be your Bill. Or his Doug. icon_biggrin.gif
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Aug 26, 2010 3:09 AM GMT
    myklet1 saidI was in every wasted relationship known to man. I had enough. I stayed by myself.........totally for 6yrs. I was happy and didn't want a man. I was visiting a friend at her condo, and her neighbor came over to get a set of keys he had left and we met. It has never been like me to jump into things - I have a real hard time trusting people, He invited me over to his condo to hang out and I thought what the heck. I knew I was not out for anything. We stayed up all night watching movies and talking. From that night on, we have never been apart. It has been fourteen years of wonderful. It was magic and there is magic out there for everybody. It was worth getting hurt all the other times.


    Amen.
    Bring on the sorrow,
    if need be,
    because there's always tomorrow -
    and he'll find me
    even if it is
    only for a day
    that I hear him say
    I love you....
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    Aug 26, 2010 6:41 AM GMT
    MuscleComeBack said
    myklet1 said


    Amen.
    Bring on the sorrow,
    if need be,
    because there's always tomorrow -
    and he'll find me
    even if it is
    only for a day
    that I hear him say
    I love you....


    Wow that was so sweet
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    Aug 26, 2010 8:43 AM GMT
    I used to be open to it, but I noticed my fears and past have become like a wall to taking the risks anymore unfortunately... I get a panic attack if I want to tak to a guy I think is attractive ... and if someone does show interest, theres an inevitable cycle of thought patterns going "theres no way this is ever going to end well" and I usually just wind up making friends and being safe...

    its pretty sad, Im a hopeless romantic, used to be romantic, but now the emphasis is on hopeless... Ive always been a safety guy when it came to relationships, physically I enjoy taking risks, but my heart has a shell around it now, made up mostly of intense fear.. which I did not have before

    And yeah, to be honest, I am happy with it now, I dont want to remove it, because removing it would just be too scary, and I really have no faith or hope that removing the shell would do me any good... it never has, so why try something that you know is gonna be a failure?
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    Aug 26, 2010 8:48 AM GMT
    I don't put my heart out there at all.

    Young guys, blah blah, don't do things that older guys say they should, blah blah, put yourself out there, blah blah. Maybe all the advice about love killed my desire for it.
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    Aug 26, 2010 9:03 AM GMT
    sexyactionnick saidI don't put my heart out there at all.

    Young guys, blah blah, don't do things that older guys say they should, blah blah, put yourself out there, blah blah. Maybe all the advice about love killed my desire for it.


    My favourite: it happens when your not looking blah blah..icon_lol.gif
    I followed it and tried that one for twelve years, lol, I KNOW it doenst work that way hihi

    and about taking chances, I always did too, didnt work either ;-(

    a

    at some pooint you just have to know when you cant succeed at something and give it up...

    Like trying out for an Olympics gymnastics team, it really isnt for everyone, and tryong forever untill your old and worn and past the point of ever having the ability, you're better off realising that and get on with whatever shit life has to throw at you

    But yeah, thats MY experience, I KNOW it doesnt work that way for everybody
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    Aug 26, 2010 9:46 AM GMT
    I had two 'lightbulb' moments about a year or so ago.

    The first was the realisation that I was actually a pretty independent person and was enjoying life as it was (single, good job, good friends, getting back into the gym, hockey going well, etc etc).

    The second happened at the end of the year when, for the second time that year, I let my guard down and fell for a guy only to have it all fall to pieces.

    I just decided that enough was enough. My life as it was, the 'status quo', was actually pretty good and that any guy who wanted me would have to go after me, not the other way around. I'm more than happy to admit I've chucked in the towel and if I end up single for the rest of my life, then so be it. Worse things could happen icon_smile.gif I want to be happy & single, not unhappy and single.
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    Aug 26, 2010 10:43 AM GMT
    dash_8 saidI had two 'lightbulb' moments about a year or so ago.

    The first was the realisation that I was actually a pretty independent person and was enjoying life as it was (single, good job, good friends, getting back into the gym, hockey going well, etc etc).

    The second happened at the end of the year when, for the second time that year, I let my guard down and fell for a guy only to have it all fall to pieces.

    I just decided that enough was enough. My life as it was, the 'status quo', was actually pretty good and that any guy who wanted me would have to go after me, not the other way around. I'm more than happy to admit I've chucked in the towel and if I end up single for the rest of my life, then so be it. Worse things could happen icon_smile.gif I want to be happy & single, not unhappy and single.


    A-fuckin-MEN, (o wait, NOT fuckin men, I mean, oops!)
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    Aug 26, 2010 1:41 PM GMT
    Some of the posts make me feel this way..

    "He closed his eyes and felt weak tears slip from under his lids.He put his head down on his arms to hide his face. His heart, torn by the words he read, was sore for all of the captives who had ever been, of whatever captivity, but most especially for those who drove themselves into exile; who locked themselves into themselves and lost the key."

    ...paraphrased from one of my favourite books.

    -Doug

    PS I told myself long long ago that even if nothing came of it, the journey, the exploration, the building of self to share and ease others, was worth the sharp edges of unrequited love.

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    Aug 26, 2010 1:59 PM GMT
    I think it is sad when people give up because of a few bad experiences. Truth is, it is those experiences that help us to prepare for and appreciate the right guy when the opportunity presents itself.

    However, I like dash_8's attitude about it. He is not blaming gay men, or the world for the decisions he has made. He recognizes his part in the decision, and has chosen to make the best of it. He's also not totally closing the door. Personal responsibility is a very sexy thing.

    I just hate all the whiners who choose to stereotype a whole group of people simply because they have not been able to find what they want.

    dash_8 saidI had two 'lightbulb' moments about a year or so ago.

    The first was the realisation that I was actually a pretty independent person and was enjoying life as it was (single, good job, good friends, getting back into the gym, hockey going well, etc etc).

    The second happened at the end of the year when, for the second time that year, I let my guard down and fell for a guy only to have it all fall to pieces.

    I just decided that enough was enough. My life as it was, the 'status quo', was actually pretty good and that any guy who wanted me would have to go after me, not the other way around. I'm more than happy to admit I've chucked in the towel and if I end up single for the rest of my life, then so be it. Worse things could happen icon_smile.gif I want to be happy & single, not unhappy and single.
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    Aug 26, 2010 2:15 PM GMT
    MuscleComeBack saidSo, at what point, or what sort of event in your life would you decide that enough was enough and that retreat and defeat was easier than taking a chance on romance and maybe, just maybe, even love?
    It would take something much more heart breaking than I've ever experienced before. However, I have always seen love and romance as being completely independent of each other...love being based on emotional closeness, and romance being based on physical lust.
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    Aug 26, 2010 2:19 PM GMT
    ...and to add to creyente's observations, here's a cautionary song about giving up and deciding that it's just going to be you and you alone, no matter what.

    The first part of the lyrics describe the advice to just give up. The second part, which I highlighted, talks about possibility:



    Move yourself
    You always live your life
    Never thinking of the future
    Prove yourself
    You are the move you make
    Take your chances win or loser

    See yourself
    You are the steps you take
    You and you - and thats the only way

    Shake - shake yourself
    Youre every move you make
    So the story goes

    Owner of a lonely heart
    Owner of a lonely heart
    Much better than - a
    Owner of a broken heart
    Owner of a lonely heart

    Say - you dont want to chance it
    Youve been hurt so before

    Watch it now
    The eagle in the sky
    How he dancin one and only
    You - lose yourself
    No not for pitys sake
    Theres no real reason to be lonely
    Be yourself
    Give your free will a chance
    Youve got to want to succeed

    Owner of a lonely heart
    Owner of a lonely heart
    Much better than - a
    Owner of a broken heart
    Owner of a lonely heart

    Owner of a lonely heart

    After my own decision
    They confused me so - owner of a lonely heart
    My love said never question your will at all
    In the end youve got to go
    Look before you leap - owner of a lonely heart
    And dont you hesitate at all - no no

    Owner of a lonely heart
    Owner of a lonely heart
    Much better than - a
    Owner of a broken heart
    Owner of a lonely heart
    (repeat)

    Owner of a lonely heart

    Sooner or later each conclusion
    Will decide the lonely heart - owner of a lonely heart
    It will excite it will delight
    It will give a better start - owner of a lonely heart

    Dont deceive your free will at all
    Dont deceive your free will at all - owner of a lonely heart
    Dont deceive your free will at all
    Just receive it
  • myklet1

    Posts: 345

    Aug 31, 2010 1:33 PM GMT
    amar_m saidI used to be open to it, but I noticed my fears and past have become like a wall to taking the risks anymore unfortunately... I get a panic attack if I want to tak to a guy I think is attractive ... and if someone does show interest, theres an inevitable cycle of thought patterns going "theres no way this is ever going to end well" and I usually just wind up making friends and being safe...

    its pretty sad, Im a hopeless romantic, used to be romantic, but now the emphasis is on hopeless... Ive always been a safety guy when it came to relationships, physically I enjoy taking risks, but my heart has a shell around it now, made up mostly of intense fear.. which I did not have before

    And yeah, to be honest, I am happy with it now, I dont want to remove it, because removing it would just be too scary, and I really have no faith or hope that removing the shell would do me any good... it never has, so why try something that you know is gonna be a failure?


    But that's like waking up and saying........what will fail today. When I wake up I think..........what "WONDERFUL" will happen today. Something wonderful will happen every day. And if nothing else, It is better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.
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    Aug 31, 2010 1:42 PM GMT
    i cant say im a sucker for being in love, and thats only cause i keep risking it. But at the rate of the let downs, im starting to think that i must've wronged some people in a really bad way cause my romantic life is nothing but utter let downs. SSince my last real relationship (which was about 3 years), i've dated maybe 4 or 5 guys who have all lead me on with talks of the future and the whole sweet talking thing only to turn around and drop me like a bad habit.

    I don't know, after this last guy this weekend left me stranded at a bar in lauderdale to go home with his ex, i think it'll be a while before i jump back into anything. I think sometimes you just have to get lucky with the guys you find. Some of us just get burned worst than others.

    Its sometimes easier to run than risk, when the risk always has the same outcome