Married gay guys

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    Feb 22, 2008 8:38 PM GMT
    Are you married to a woman and gay? Does she know? Are you happy? Miserable? I meet so many guys that mess around and are gay...I'm not saying it's right, just maybe that it's more common than most people realize, and I would really like to talk to someone in the same situation.icon_neutral.gif
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    Feb 22, 2008 8:51 PM GMT
    icon_lol.gif Chuckle -

    I really thought this was going to be a slightly different topic.

    Yes, I am married. To a Man. icon_cool.gif
    We have been married 2 years and are very happy. icon_biggrin.gif

    Yes, there are a lot of guys out there on the 'down low'.
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    Feb 22, 2008 8:52 PM GMT
    i'm not gay and married but i had a boyfriend who was. he was miserable. he came from a rich southern family in charleston, sc, so he'd gotten married out of expectation and obligation (he'd have been cut off from his inheritance if he'd not gotten married and produced heirs). regardless of the "right/wrong" of it, there's the practical complications to contend with. my personal experience taught me that i don't intend to do it ever again. the only reason i agreed to it in the first place was because he lied about the status of his divorce procedure.

    too much mess. too much drama. in some states, too much legal crap. by the time i finally realized he was lying about his relationship status i'd been drawn in too deeply... too much mess. too much drama.

    wait? you're STILL married? icon_eek.gificon_confused.gificon_redface.gificon_evil.gif
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    Feb 22, 2008 9:04 PM GMT
    If both parties are consenting then fair enough if not then I think they are the scum of the earth. BUt the same goes for anyone that cheats

  • jarhead5536

    Posts: 1348

    Feb 22, 2008 9:40 PM GMT
    Ouch.

    After the split with my first husband, I dated briefly a high school principal that was married to a woman and had something like six kids. It was all very exciting and spy movielike for awhile, but being the "other woman" really sucks after not very long. Never spending the night together, sneaking around, feeling guilty about hurting his wife (who had no clue whatsoever). My self-esteem was already fragile enough, and I didn't need to feel like a cheap whore on top of everything else...
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    Feb 22, 2008 10:03 PM GMT
    I was married and have a kid, it was 100% faithful and not a sham marriage or a mistake it was right at the time.

    People that stay married or in a relationship that isnt true need to grow balls in my book
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    Feb 22, 2008 10:09 PM GMT
    bfg1 saidI was married and...it was right at the time.


    Well-said. Same for me. The moment I realized heterosexuality wasn't a long-term viability for me, the marriage ended. There was nothing covert, nothing dishonorable, and nothing to regret. We're still best friends, in fact. I once dated a guy who was divorced but had cheated on his wife with guys for a while first, and he was a neurotic closet-case with a perpetual paralyzing sense of guilt and self-loathing over the situation. Yuck.
  • GeorgeNJ

    Posts: 216

    Feb 22, 2008 10:14 PM GMT
    jarhead5536 said ... but being the "other woman" ...


    LOL - Jarhead, did you steal that line from Torch Song Trilogy?

    I have a good friend ("a friend friend, not a euphemism friend" -- Torch Song) who is gay and married to a woman, and has a few kids. Says he really wanted a family -- children, grandchildren, the whole shebang. (NB He's around 60 now, so gay marriage and adoption were not an option way back when.) His wife has no idea. And because of some medical problems on his wife's part around 20 yrs ago or so, sex had to stop between them (not that it was frequent before her problems). She has no idea, & my friend is totally discreet. He had 3 or 4 sex buddies over the years, but nothing romantic or like a "relationship."

    On some level, it seems to have worked for him. But now, his sex buddies have either moved a great distance away, or the sex simply fizzled out with the ones still nearby. Loneliness is a big factor in his life, but he also takes tremendous joy in his kids.

    I feel it's a bifurcated life and I know I couldn't handle it. It's almost inevitable that too many innocent people can get hurt.
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    Feb 22, 2008 10:19 PM GMT
    closetted cheats always have an excuse I would have more respect for his friend if he were open and honest with his wife instead of putting her act risk and living a lie
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    Feb 22, 2008 10:27 PM GMT
    I was married for 16 years, I felt that I was gay, but wouldn't accept it, during my 10th year of marriage I decided I would try gay sex and see if me feelings were real or not for men. The experience was like I had released all my sexual energy in one evening of love making. My male partner would not believe that it was my first time. I new then that I was going to have to accept that I was gay, and that I had to end the marriage, I couldn't stand the tensions of living a lie any longer. However at home with my kids I couldn't stand to leave them, so I choked down my desires and stuck it out another 5 years. Then I became so utterly depressed (all held within) that I started the divorce process, We got a no-fault divorce, and I didn't make being gay a part of it, I had not had any more gay sexual contacts during this time and through to the final divorce decree. Then my kids came to live with me, and I kept my sexaul activity totally to myself. There is no way that I would wish that torture on even an enemy. My advice is, be what you are, and don't even attempt to try to change your sexuality for no reason. All the money in the world or anything else that could be offered is not worth such inner termoil.
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    Feb 22, 2008 10:29 PM GMT
    bfg1 saidPeople that stay married or in a relationship that isnt true need to grow balls in my book


    I do have to disagree on this one point, bfg, with a caveat. If someone chooses to remain in a relationship that isn't right for him any longer (for arguments' sake, he stays in the relationship for the sake of kids), and has full disclosure with his partner and remains completely committed (no 'arrangements' on the side), then I'd say more power to him, because he's making a sacrifice that I'm not sure I would have been able to make, and I think that takes guts.

    As it was, I loved my wife deeply enough that I almost tried to make that choice...I cared enough for her that I would have lived that life, and been happy. Maybe it wouldn't have been the 'right' life for me, but it was a good one. Fortunately, she was the one who decided it wasn't fair enough to either one of us to stay married and deny ourselves a shot at something else.

    Wow. This subject makes me uncharacteristically soap-boxy. Apologies if anyone takes any offense.
  • dhinkansas

    Posts: 764

    Feb 22, 2008 10:37 PM GMT
    I don't think there's a clear cut explanation. People do things for different reasons. I just think if you start to mess around with someone married, it's a no win situation for all involved. The gay friend is lying to himself in that situation because it will never be more than sneaking over on a Thursday. The married friend is lying to himself as well because it just puts off the inevitable examination of what will make him happy in life. What a quandry for someone to be in really...to be married and have feelings for the same sex.
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    Feb 22, 2008 10:47 PM GMT
    zdrew78 said[I do have to disagree on this one point, bfg, with a caveat. If someone chooses to remain in a relationship that isn't right for him any longer (for arguments' sake, he stays in the relationship for the sake of kids), and has full disclosure with his partner and remains completely committed (no 'arrangements' on the side), then I'd say more power to him, because he's making a sacrifice that I'm not sure I would have been able to make, and I think that takes guts.

    As it was, I loved my wife deeply enough that I almost tried to make that choice...I cared enough for her that I would have lived that life, and been happy. Maybe it wouldn't have been the 'right' life for me, but it was a good one. Fortunately, she was the one who decided it wasn't fair enough to either one of us to stay married and deny ourselves a shot at something else.

    Wow. This subject makes me uncharacteristically soap-boxy. Apologies if anyone takes any offense.


    Yeh same here dont mean to cause offence it just touches me strongly.

    I totally disagree with your comment of staying together for te sake of the kids, unless someone intends to stay that way forever and never cheat. As I said if its with the other persons agreement then fair enough who am I to judge. So many weak minded individuals claim it is only for the sake of the kids and stay with partners until the kids have grown up and then walk out. That poor kid then has to deal with the fact their father was a habitual liar and a cheat. Its not exactly a fair scenario is it? And certainly if there is no love in a relationship and its just of convenience kids can see through that straight away.

    Probably best I walk away from this discussion as I really do have strong views on this.
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    Feb 22, 2008 10:55 PM GMT
    bfg --

    No worries, I won't take offense at you disagreeing with me if you don't take offense at me disagreeing with you. icon_smile.gif

    Maybe the kids scenario was a bad example. All I meant was that for me, having kids would have been the deal-breaker (deal-maker?)...if there were kids, we would have stayed together, would have done so even after they were grown up and moved out, and would have been happy together and firmly committed to each other.

    ...or we would have done our damned best to. In the end, who knows? That's why, to this day, I'm glad that things happened the way they did, from the beginning right up to the very end. It was never a relationship of convenience, and there was true happiness...there was also just the nagging sense of something being amiss, which I'm sure you can relate to.

    Now, can't all RJ disagreements go this amiably?? icon_cool.gif
  • twostroke

    Posts: 184

    Feb 22, 2008 11:06 PM GMT
    i´m not married but thinking of getting married to my male partner, well... we BOTH are.
    Both of us have no great opinion of "marriage" per se. We don´t think that it will change anything between us.
    The reason for doing it is more practical: some kind of security in terms of pensions, taxes and securing that the state does not take too much away should one of us "fail".

    Personally i think that marriages, the way they are being formalized, are a bit obsolete (for heteros too).
    i see them as a kind of contract that is very costly should you want to end it -at least in many cases-.

    Lawyers are probably the only ones who really PROFIT from a marital contract.
    Two people who decide to walk life together don´t really need anything else other than their willingness to do so.
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    Feb 22, 2008 11:12 PM GMT
    I've been married to a woman for almost 21 years. She knew about my being gay from the very start, and while our relationship has endured its share of twists and turns, we stay together because with respect to the nonsexual, day to day existence that makes up the bulk of a relationship, we are amazingly compatible. There is no one else I want to share my life with, and should I ever find myself widowed or divorced, I would most likely remain single.
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    Feb 22, 2008 11:12 PM GMT
    I never married her, but I did go down on a girl in college. Is that the same?
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    Feb 22, 2008 11:35 PM GMT
    McGay saidI never married her, but I did go down on a girl in college. Is that the same?


    Everybody likes to experiment... It's ok we forgive you.icon_lol.gif I'm still a young buck i suppose. I have had plenty of marriage proposals from female friends to be similar to "paradox" and one from my ex lover Carlos... to him i said yes at the time, I had no excuse. but i dumped him soon after. I guess i was scared. Sometimes i regret what i did but everything happens for a reason I suppose, and now I am talking to Arnaldo right now. We have been talking technically since last spring but i ignored him then bc i was with carlos at the time. But since the end of january we have really been talking getting to know each other testing the waters. I think he and i will definitely form "some" sort of relationship that could last my lifetime. And when i do get married I am hoping it will be him.icon_smile.gif
  • toybrian

    Posts: 395

    Feb 22, 2008 11:43 PM GMT
    Yes I ama married man and consider myself "bi"..I still like my wife but also need time with a guy who I can feel close too also...Have been discrete in dating the men but have also seen them go to other guys for a long term relationship and have had to deal with that also...some of the guys just want to meet you once and that is it and that hurts...would like to make friends also as well as training buddies and more if possible...Met some guys in my area and have become friends with some and more with others...Thanks,and have a good day...
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    Feb 23, 2008 12:21 AM GMT
    Well, I guess I should chime in on this one. I am married to a woman and have been for 22 yrs. Did I get married just as a sham, no but don't think that statement didn't come up in the past 60 days since I came out to her. As for coming down hard on a guy for being closeted, be careful when throwing those stones. As far as I have seen, the gay community doesn't have the best monogamous track record either.

    It's easy to say I'd just leave and if you don't have kids it is much easier to sever the ties. There's also a lot of self searching to understand why a person is who they are. Not all guys grew up in the US in an age where being gay was as accepted as now. In Europe I believe, correct me if I'm wrong, the acceptance has been far ahead of the states. The stigma that society placed on being gay is much different now then over 20 yrs ago. I grew up in a small town and didn't even know what being gay was until I moved to California and then was in deep denial and ignorance. I don't blame anyone, except myself for not knowing but it is what it is.

    I'm still married, still sleeping next to my wife every night. Plan to stay there until I either have a relationship or being there hampers my ability to develop a relationship and the reason for that is my 13 yr old. I'm only out to my wife. She needs and deserves the chance to process all that I have been processing for years. Having a 2 parent home is very important and as long as we're able to deal with the change in our relationship, which we are doing very well so far, then it's better for her. I get to explore and yet we still enjoy each other as a family unit.

    Don't be too quick to judge folks. There's often more behind it then it looks on the surface. It takes balls to make the move and yes, sometimes we lack them and some might say we do a discredit to the gay community by remaining closeted but I think every gay person had to come to terms with their own sexuality at their own time. No one bashed anyone for not coming out at 18 or 25 or 30, nope, it was when you were ready and with consideration for those around you.

    Sorry for the length but it's a subject near (very near) and dear to my heart. It's also very dynamic and changes everyday.


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    Feb 23, 2008 12:54 AM GMT
    I was married for nearly 12 years to a lesbian. We married because we wanted kids, and it was a very different time. If I were in the same place now, I'd figure out some other way of having children. Our marriage ended when my wife met her girlfriend and they wanted (with my blessing and prior agreement) to be together.

    Having said that, my children are terrific people, and she turned out to be a world-class mom. Unfortunately, she passed away three years ago.
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    Feb 23, 2008 12:56 AM GMT
    am really sorry to hear that jprichva
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    Feb 23, 2008 1:07 AM GMT
    bfg1 saidam really sorry to hear that jprichva


    Thanks, bfg1
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    Feb 23, 2008 1:18 AM GMT
    you guys impress the hell out of me with your honesty. kudos to all.

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    Feb 23, 2008 6:37 AM GMT
    bfg1 saidI was married and have a kid, it was 100% faithful and not a sham marriage or a mistake it was right at the time.

    People that stay married or in a relationship that isnt true need to grow balls in my book


    Me too...well, not the kid part. It was the best 8 years of my life (so far). Even my ex-wife says it was great for her; especially after meeting her new husband. I think she's ready to go gay again.