Wow no dad because im Gay

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    Aug 27, 2010 1:51 AM GMT
    So I went over my house and I guess my dad took all pictures where im in down,there used to be alot of me and my mom etc now there is nothing.I really dont know what im going to do when the holidays come.icon_question.gif

    is anybody else not talking to there parents because they came out?
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:08 AM GMT
    I'm waiting to come out to my two sons.......but they know i'm bi, we'll just have to polish that up a bit......icon_cool.gif
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:16 AM GMT
    He's disappointed because you aren't what he wanted you to be. He might come around since he hasn't forbidden you to come over yet.

    If it bothers you, comment on it.
    When I came out to my mother, she told me to leave. I came back for one of my siblings' birthday 2 months later. No one said anything. I just took it in stride and "forgot" about it.
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:21 AM GMT
    tonylover saidSo I went over my house and I guess my dad took all pictures where im in down,there used to be alot of me and my mom etc now there is nothing.I really dont know what im going to do when the holidays come.icon_question.gif

    Have you asked your mother why this happened? I presume you could ask her, if not your father?

    Perhaps you need to start making alternate plans for the holidays. If that is what your father thinks, then you are not wanted there. Or is he just a hothead?

    This may last for a few years, or forever. Not your choice, his, and his loss, so don't make it yours.

    Abrupt, perhaps, but sometimes we have to make our own way in the world earlier than we might like. Mine started at 20. Both my parents started in their teens. Pity rather the gay 15-year-olds who get thrown out onto the streets by their fundamentalist parents.

    Please keep us informed.
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:24 AM GMT
    carmineastoria saidHe's disappointed because you aren't what he wanted you to be. He might come around since he hasn't forbidden you to come over yet.

    If it bothers you, comment on it.
    When I came out to my mother, she told me to leave. I came back for one of my siblings' birthday 2 months later. No one said anything. I just took it in stride and "forgot" about it.


    but do you think the air is cleared and you are at peace with each other or just in a mexican standoff?icon_cool.gif
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:28 AM GMT
    vetteset said
    but do you think the air is cleared and you are at peace with each other or just in a mexican standoff?icon_cool.gif

    It happened about 6 years ago. I made it clear that it was not a phase. That I understood the implications of it. We're both OK now. My mother is probably my closest friend now.
    It helped that my younger brother got married and has children. I think she was afraid of losing my father's legacy.
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Aug 27, 2010 2:30 AM GMT
    tonylover saidSo I went over my house and I guess my dad took all pictures where im in down,there used to be alot of me and my mom etc now there is nothing.I really dont know what im going to do when the holidays come.icon_question.gif

    is anybody else not talking to there parents because they came out?





    Yes, but actually my father and I just had a nasty fight and that's why we're not speaking. He "cut" me off but I've been supporting myself for over a year now so him saying that was so pointless.icon_rolleyes.gif
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Aug 27, 2010 2:32 AM GMT
    I never had the problem (was very lucky), but I hope it gets better. Most people I know with family troubles related to coming out had their parents eventually come around (to varying degrees).
    Here rooting for ya! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:34 AM GMT
    Conversation....
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:34 AM GMT
    tonylover saidSo I went over my house and I guess my dad took all pictures where im in down,there used to be alot of me and my mom etc now there is nothing.I really dont know what im going to do when the holidays come.icon_question.gif

    is anybody else not talking to there parents because they came out?


    Sorry to hear that dude, that's just fucked up!!!
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:35 AM GMT
    well I came over when he was not there,just a quick visit and I noticed that.My mom is one of those moms where she does what her husband says,I came out a few months back and he told me I was dead for him as a son for being gay so I really dont think he will be come around and it sucks.
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:42 AM GMT
    i've seen other dads say the same thing. time sometimes brings them around and sometimes not. don't push, i'm sure your mom is putting little wifey things in his ear. As a married man i know the expression and so does your dad " If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"icon_cool.gif
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:43 AM GMT
    tonylover saidwell I came over when he was not there,just a quick visit and I noticed that.My mom is one of those moms where she does what her husband says,I came out a few months back and he told me I was dead for him as a son for being gay so I really dont think he will be come around and it sucks.

    It does suck, and I feel for you. But now you know where you stand, and have to plan accordingly. Don't waste time looking back. Time to go into full survival mode.
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:45 AM GMT
    Oh god, this is what's gonna happen when my family finds out. Except that I don't think I'll be even able to go over or talk to them...
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:47 AM GMT
    first of all i'm sorry it happened to you this way. i came out to my mom almost immediately after i figured it all out and the response I received was, "well I sure as hell hope not, because its gonna fuck up everything for you." Since then, I have attempted to bring it up and I get, "we can talk about it when you change your mind about who you want to see." So needless to say it is a hopeless battle, and I have washed my hands of it. My Dad doesn't know, but something tells me the situation would be more or less the same, and since we only talk once every few months via e-mail, its not really worth stoking the fire until he takes a little more interest in having a son...let alone a gay one.

    It is hard at first, but sooner or later you will surround yourself with a supportive group of friends and put the people behind you who won't be supportive, even if those people are your family members. If your father is so closed minded that he won't even sit down and hear what you have to say to him, the problem lies not with you and your sexuality, but him and his ability to accept what isn't familiar to him. Know that there are a lot of people out there in the same situation, best wishes for things to get better. Hopefully he comes around =)
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:49 AM GMT
    Rawrly said
    vetteset saidI'm waiting to come out to my two sons.......but they know i'm bi, we'll just have to polish that up a bit......icon_cool.gif


    Come out? You mean they think you're bi.


    Yes, when i thought i was myself, now i have come to the realization that im gay.. ok? if u read what i wrote, i said they know i'm bi...icon_cool.gif
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:51 AM GMT
    luvitohateit saidOh god, this is what's gonna happen when my family finds out. Except that I don't think I'll be even able to go over or talk to them...


    I think you guys are missing the chance at some great resources here: other guys that have done it. ask around, post a thread and ask for advice, you'll be astonished at how many guys will step up and help you. don't be scared and don't do this alone,, there's literally a world waiting to help....keithicon_cool.gif
  • arielanatole

    Posts: 77

    Aug 27, 2010 2:52 AM GMT
    At 16 I told my father I was bi. That was the last time I talked to him. Good riddance.
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:55 AM GMT
    Hang in there man...this too shall pass.

    As if being your age weren't awful enough, I'm sorry you have to go through this too. Family should be supportive, and perhaps in time they will be.

    Their reaction can only mean that they must really love you to react so strongly.

    It will get better.

    Mike
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    Aug 27, 2010 2:56 AM GMT
    Coming out is a process. That means that it takes time. In my own experience it took about four years for both my parents to come around completely. Also, remember there will be stages as well. You parents may accept you immediately but have a problem later when you bring home a boy friend. Then there will be your first PDA in front of them. Then there will be the night you stay in one bed in their house. There will be many milestones to cross.

    There are times when you have to be a loving child to your parents and times when you should be a tough negotiater. At one point I told my mother that we might never see each other again, she turned around after that. There was one time where I just huged my Father and told him I loved him in his ear. He was better after that.

    Siblings can be very helpful dealing with your parents if they are on their side. My sister and brother put a lot of pressure on my parents in the early days not to feak out. If you have a close aunt or uncle who supports you, ask them to speak with your parents. Hearing from their peers can help. My mother's best friend became a great advocate for me with my mom.

    Many parents don't want you to be gay out of fear.....fear you will be fired, harassed, murdered, or die of AIDS. In any discussion, you should address these points. Let them know you are safe at your job, accepted by your friends and always practice safe sex.

    For the parents who want to be grandparents, if you are interested in having children - then you should also be clear about that. If not, I would not bring it up.

    My mother always wants to talk about it and my father never brings it up. But in the end, your parents will always love you, even if they cannot readily show it. If you parents cannot deal with it make the effort to forgive them and tell them this. This is not for them, but by forgiving them, you will lift the burden from yourself.

    Always be patient, the TV shows that show the reunited parents and son in 22 minutes are bull shit. Real life is more complex.

    My seven hardcore rules:
    A. Never come out to your parents when you are financially relying on them - unless you absolutely know it is not going to be a problem. Being put out on the street is never good.
    B. Even if you are disowned by your parents, they should know who you are and you should be proud of who you are.
    C. Being GAY always means having the ability to develop your own adopted family. Even with the support of my family I have been part of an adopted family of friends (mostly straight) and have found this second family equally rewarding and important to my life.
    D. Coming out is a stressful and emotional process - seek the help of family members, friends, even medical advice. If you parents do reject you, you should immediately enroll in therapy with a professional. Talking with a professional will help you deal with the trauma - don't go it alone.
    E. If you are having a problem telling your family then talking to a therapist can help emotionally prepare yourself in advance.
    E. Just because your parents have gay friends does not mean they will be happy about you being gay - my parents were huge supporters of the gay community but still freaked when I told them.
    F. Understand the milestones involved each time your parents see you in a different situation as a gay man.
  • Space_Cowboy_...

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    Aug 27, 2010 2:57 AM GMT
    tonylover saidwell I came over when he was not there,just a quick visit and I noticed that.My mom is one of those moms where she does what her husband says,I came out a few months back and he told me I was dead for him as a son for being gay so I really dont think he will be come around and it sucks.


    you know I'm sure he knew.. but he's just made that its confirmed
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    Aug 27, 2010 3:01 AM GMT
    it just sucks,im 18 and I was kicked out for being different and im living alone in an apartment.My brother and sister both helped me they put a 5 month down payment so I can get my stuff together.
    I just dont want it to be where I go over for christmas or thanksgiving and its akward between us,I dont know why im complaining some people have it worst then me.
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    Aug 27, 2010 3:16 AM GMT
    as a dad, i always tell young guys to put the shoe on the other foot. It may or may not have taken you a long time to come to terms with yourself as to your sexuality, so think of the impact this has on your folks, you needed time to process this and they need a LONG time to do the same. Its not like you just told them you want to buy a pair of orange socks. their dreams about the future for you, and the thoughts of grandkids....everything has just been shot to hell. Understand that, give them time and try to be gentle. You are not the only one hurting here. Not all parents can love unconditionally because not all humans can.

    Both my sons are recovering drug addicts, but i unconditionally love them. i'm not blowing my horn, i just saying it is different for each person. It is part of growing in life Tony, nobody said it was fair, and you are never guaranteed happiness, just the pursuit of it. hang in brother...keithicon_cool.gif
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    Aug 27, 2010 3:20 AM GMT
    tonylover saidit just sucks,im 18 and I was kicked out for being different and im living alone in an apartment.My brother and sister both helped me they put a 5 month down payment so I can get my stuff together.
    I just dont want it to be where I go over for christmas or thanksgiving and its akward between us,I dont know why im complaining some people have it worst then me.

    LET ME VISIT YOUR PARENTS AND GIB THEM A NICE WELCOME SPEECH icon_twisted.gif
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Aug 27, 2010 3:22 AM GMT
    tonylover saidit just sucks,im 18 and I was kicked out for being different and im living alone in an apartment.My brother and sister both helped me they put a 5 month down payment so I can get my stuff together.
    I just dont want it to be where I go over for christmas or thanksgiving and its akward between us,I dont know why im complaining some people have it worst then me.


    you have every right to feel the way you do. *hugs*