Almost pushed out of the closet...

  • brownbear787

    Posts: 62

    Aug 28, 2010 4:23 PM GMT
    I can't believe my mom really tried to push me out the closet....I am posting this just to get it off my chest...it's long but thanks in advance for reading...any of you guys have similar stories?


    So yesterday when I woke up, my mom was in my room and was looking through my phone...I was half asleep not paying any attention. When I realized that I had 1. Texts from random guys I've been talking to/flirting with recently and 2. Pics of other guys on my phone, I then panicked

    I was like, "Mom what are you doing?!?" Then she was like "I was looking for somebody's number but now I'm just being nosey." I was like "what are you looking at my texts for, give me my phone!" And I jumped up and tried to grab it but she was pulling it away. Then she was like "OMG you have secrets? Since when are you private about your phone? What don't you want me to see?"

    So I then just pushed her off and took my phone. She then (being the psychoanalyst and assumption queen she is) starting asking me if I had texts from my dad that she didn't want her to see. (Her and my dad are getting divorced and my dad the other day sent out a text to my aunt and sister by mistake that he originally got from his new girlfriend...my mom was looking to see if my dad sent me any texts even though I told her he sent me a chain letter that I deleted)

    Anyway yesterday night, my mom called again still in shock about me taking my phone from her and she was prying to know what I was hiding. I asked her "why do you need to know? It's none of your business!" Then she was like anything involving you is my business and I told her that I wasn't hiding anything from my dad. Then she was like are you hiding texts from a significant other or dirty pictures. I sarcastically lied and said I have dirty sex pics. So still being the nosey mom she is said, "clearly its a romantic interest...is it someone I would approve of?" I then said"mom, like you, people are private with their phones...do I go through your phone looking through at texts of you and your bf?"

    Then she was like all serious "why don't you tell me who it is...you always tell me everything." I told her no I'm not talking about this. Then she was like "well can I ask you a question...if I ask you a question, will you truthfully answer?" I told her no. Then she was like, "why, why won't you answer?"

    I knew where she was going. I'm, 22 years old and never had a girlfriend and have never been open about my sexuality or love interests. I felt she was going to ask me if I was gay because she said something about her not caring about sexual preferences...etc. I stopped her right there and said, "No I don't feel comfortable talking to you about this." Then she tried to make it seem as if she was taking it personal by saying "Well you just ripped my heart out...I'm now heartless. That hurts so much! I can't believe you feel you can't talk to me! Is there anybody you would talk to?"

    I lied and told her I would tell my therapist I meet with twice each week. (that was a lie and I told her it was). Then I said I wouldn't talk with anybody about this (I was not about to tell her I would talk to a few of my gay friends).

    But anyway, after that conversation I felt like my mom was literally forcing me out of the closet. I felt so uncomfortable, upset, and shocked because I never saw this conversation coming. I never talk about these things and I felt my mom was just being too agressive. My mom and I are close, but my love live or sexual interests have NEVER been a topic for discussion. And she isn't really open with her romantic interests either.

    I told myself I would come out when I was good and ready to...when I am financially independent and no longer dependent on my parents. The way I envisioned coming out would be passive...I would invite a guy with me to a family function and if someone asked who he was, I would tell them he's a friend.

    Now why wouldn't I say he's my bf? Because my family is full of gossip queens and people who form their own conclusions and make assumptions like my mom. So I know they would assume that guy was my bf without me even having to say anything. I would let people in my family gossip for a few months and then come clean and tell my mom if she asked me again after that....this way it won't be "shocking headline news".

    Okay this was a long post and I thank whoever read up to this point. If any of you have follow-up questions or need me to clarify some things, let me know!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2010 4:55 PM GMT
    I kinda skimmed that.

    Why not just tell her?

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    Aug 28, 2010 5:07 PM GMT
    If you're pretty sure she would be cool with it then I agree with the last post just tell her. IMO she knows anyway I think parents always know. Some just get upset because once it's said it makes it official. But imo parents always know..
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:02 PM GMT
    Man ur mom clearly loves you and just wants you to be open with her and be yourself. Ur lucky U have such a caring mom who doesnt judge ur sexual preferences, lots of ppl don't. Tell her, she just wants to know youicon_smile.gif
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:05 PM GMT
    1) Do you have any reason to not come out of the closet?

    2) Get a lock for your door. You need to feel comfortable where you live and it sure as shit is tough to feel comfortable when your mom is looking over your sexts while you are sleepily marinating in your morning wood.
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:08 PM GMT
    naivenewbie saidMan ur mom clearly loves you and just wants you to be open with her and be yourself. Ur lucky U have such a caring mom who doesnt judge ur sexual preferences, lots of ppl don't. Tell her, she just wants to know youicon_smile.gif


    totally agree
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:17 PM GMT
    Missed opportunity; one of many to come.
    When I think of “forced out of the closet” a totally different scenario comes to mind.
  • ducky0397

    Posts: 4

    Aug 28, 2010 7:17 PM GMT
    Mom's are by nature very nosey. At least it sounds like she is being very cool with the possibility of you being gay. I mean, you have given her the clues by not ever having a girlfriend. That right there is a pretty big red flag. I can see why your mom might want to know, but at the same time, it is important for a person to be able to choose when it is appropriate for themselves to come out. I'd suggest executing your "passive" outing plan sooner rather than later. After that, you can come clean and you would be surprised what your parents may start wanting to talk to you about (i.e., love life).

    After I came out to my mom, she was especially confused about drag queens. She was wondering if they were confused and legitimately thought they themselves were girls. After this initial awkwardness of BRIEF discussions, she and I were back on the same page after I came out to her. We've been really close all my life and remain to be now. Also, she knew I was gay before I even came out. She probably saw my (I thought was well hidden) porn on the family computer.

    So in short, I'd say that your mom is fricken nosey, but her actions are coming from love... kinda lol. Just come out to her someday icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:24 PM GMT
    I kinda skipped the last too paragraphs. But your mom doen'st look like she going to hold it against you and although you hold some reservations against telling her I the conditions are right for you to go ahead and let the cat outta the bag.

    Yes coming out should be on your own terms but sometimes being forced out can be opportunistic for ppl as well. Your mom seems to be on a great friend/parental level with you. I'd say try to trust her and let her know 'you aren't trying to hurt her you just need time to adjust' and who knows? She may have some stories to share with you.

    I see nothing but positives from this. Whatever route you choose best of luck to you bro!
  • OutdoorAdvent...

    Posts: 361

    Aug 28, 2010 7:27 PM GMT
    Guys, it's a sexual preference (i.e., a choice, something that can be changed) to Republicans and the religious right. It's a sexual orientation to everyone else.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Aug 28, 2010 7:30 PM GMT
    id be angry and frustrated by her nosiness, aggressiveness, lack of respect and some mean-spirited words... that said, once you can get over those things, Id just tell her. things will be infinitely better thereafter.
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:35 PM GMT
    I have the impression that the Black community still doesn't take to hmosexuality too well. Am I wrong?

    Also, I think families tend to go along with the mother. So if your mother approves, the rest will fall in line or at least keep a lid on it.
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:37 PM GMT
    I would just scream in her face "I HATE YOU AND NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN"... and run into my room, slam the door and just cry and cry.
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:38 PM GMT
    Just tell her... she already knows, anyway. If she is urging you out, it's not to then have an excuse to kick you out. Baby bird's gotta learn how to fly, momma bird has to give it a push out of the nest sometimes.

    And as for your method of coming out: people make assumptions. But the best way to avoid that (if you really dislike it) is to be blunt with them. Then there isn't too much to assume and they can get all the gossip out of their system.
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:45 PM GMT
    put the lock on your closet, unless you are ready to come out
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:45 PM GMT
    she already knows and gave you the perfect opportunity to tell her.
    not sure why you didnt just do it.
    all you've done is make things more awkward.
    if your family is very gossipy then they are all talking about how they know you are gay, but wont admit it to them.
    if you just admit it, then they dont have anything to gossip about anymore...
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:46 PM GMT
    Protect your phone contents with a passcode. Also your computer. She's probably rummaging around in there, too. In fact, at this point nothing in your room is secure, so consider what you have stored there, even in places you think are private.
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:46 PM GMT
    Caslon15000 saidI have the impression that the Black community still doesn't take to hmosexuality too well. Am I wrong?

    Also, I think families tend to go along with the mother. So if your mother approves, the rest will fall in line or at least keep a lid on it.


    You have to remember that a good percentage of the older generation is still very religious and most of the children of this generation were raised in the church also.

    Old fashionedness is a big thing with traditional some families. I could go on with stories on how when it's a storm outside some families turn off lights and everything in the house and sit in silence or pray until the storm is over because the "Lord is doing his work" but that's another topic entirely.

    Being gay is not "acceptable" as with any other religious families but some ppl are fairly educated and don't see homosexuality as a choice, while some remain ignorant (a good percentage of church folks) and think the person has control over whom their attracted to. I will say however, it's more prevalent in black households if a person is gay they keep it to themselves and say nothing about due to the shame it will cause the family in their community or church. Until that person leaves the house, then they risk being disowned if they become open.

    Same situations as with other non-ethnic families also, right?
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    Aug 28, 2010 8:10 PM GMT
    Caslon15000 saidI have the impression that the Black community still doesn't take to hmosexuality too well. Am I wrong?

    Also, I think families tend to go along with the mother. So if your mother approves, the rest will fall in line or at least keep a lid on it.


    Caslon15000...you are right. That's how the "down low" label become such a prominent addition to the black (gay) male identity. Religion plays an integral role within the black community, albeit often as a facade to mask internal struggles. And we all know how the majority of Chirstians view homosexuality. Consequently, it makes it difficult for many within the black community to see same sex relationships as anything other than an abomination.

    I have three siblings (one bro and two sisters). We all have the same father and two different mothers (My two sisters have the same mother and my bro and I have the same mother). My brother and one of my sisters is gay (the other might be...but all she has to do when engaging in the horizontal salsa...icon_wink.gif...is lay there and let her BF do whatever...i.e. she can get away with it). I'm pretty sure my father is hiding something of his own (I'm suspicious of one of his gold buddies...:evilicon_smile.gif, but that WILL NEVER come to light considering he grew up in the hardcore south during a time when issues like that were never discussed (people who were would just disappear...according to my father...and like many of you may have seen in Brokeback Mountain).

    It sucks...but I don't imagine any increased acceptance of same sex-relationships within the black community any time soon.

    Cya!

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    Aug 28, 2010 8:15 PM GMT
    When I read your post, I felt like you were less upset about coming out than being pushed, pestered, and pressured about something that you feel is a very personal issue. I'm going to completely agree with Art_Deco here: password protect your phone and don't leave anything in your room that you don't want your mother to see.

    And I disagree with many of the other posters: don't come out until you're ready.
  • Twenty_Someth...

    Posts: 1388

    Aug 28, 2010 8:16 PM GMT
    After I came out to my mom she kept dropping hints around my aunts and cousins and even some friends. I told her to "shut the fuck up" and that it wasn't her business outing me to other people before I was ready. I don't ever swear at my mom, but this let her know how serious I was. She stopped trying to out me on her terms and we haven't had a problem since.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Aug 28, 2010 8:18 PM GMT
    She needs to learn to respect your privacy.
    Install a lock on your bedroom door.
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    Aug 28, 2010 8:18 PM GMT
    bpguru saidAfter I came out to my mom she kept dropping hints around my aunts and cousins and even some friends. I told her to "shut the fuck up" and that it wasn't her business outing me to other people before I was ready. I don't ever swear at my mom, but this let her know how serious I was. She stopped trying to out me on her terms and we haven't had a problem since.


    I'm pretty sure brownbear87 would have gotten a beat down had he said "shut the fuck up" to his mother...especially if his mother is anything like most of "our" (lol...I'm gonna get in trouble for that...lol) mothers are.
  • Twenty_Someth...

    Posts: 1388

    Aug 28, 2010 8:22 PM GMT
    Haha, she was shocked when I said it to her! Her jaw dropped, and immediately after I explained myself saying "yeah, its that serious". And she was like "okay okay I didn't think it was such a big deal but obviously it is to you". It was more of a way to get her attention.
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    Aug 28, 2010 8:33 PM GMT


    Entirely personal opinion, based solely on what I've read in your post:

    Your Mom is going through some very powerfully deep and painful stuff - divorce. She's likely insecure and a piece of her world crumbling is likely causing her to grab hold of any love she can to buoy her up.

    She's not trusting your Dad (naturally) and is possibly afraid he'll poison-pen her with texts to you. Whether she's right or wrong about this is not so much the point as her needing some reassurance.

    Likely she knows you're gay and feels you telling her will cement a unique and special bond that she may feel you won't have with your father (as in being out to him, as men tend to have a more difficult time with gay sons), and this bond I think she may feel will help anchor her emotionally.

    If your reasons for not coming out were due to situations of persecution from family or work or school I'd say stay in the closet til you're sure. The reasons you are giving, though, feel to me to be more emotional-personal boundary- oriented rather than practical. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug