Dating etiquette insight, please?

  • radedd

    Posts: 8

    Aug 28, 2010 5:01 PM GMT
    Okay, so I'm much more in-tune with women, generally, so I'm looking for some male insight on the "rules" for the etiquette of dating in this era. Allow me to preface this by observing that I am neither crestfallen nor upset about the following episodes that happened to me, but am merely looking to gain perspective as I further attempt to understand and integrate myself into this ever-growing cyber-world of ours. (To wit, I am a person who would prefer writing correspondence in long-hand and sealed with wax as opposed to IMing and Twitter--Ah well, to progress!)

    An abbreviated version of this interaction:

    I met a guy online (gay.com, if queried); there was e-mailing, there was IMing, there was texting, there were actual telephone conversations exchanged over the course of about 2 weeks, or so. We made each other chuckle, and could match quips, references, and double-entendres quite well. So, a date was arranged, to have us meet over drinks for a Friday "decompression" from work. I show up promptly at the specified time; but an hour later I'm still alone, so I send a text message to make sure he's....alive? Fifteen minutes pass with no responses, so I treat myself to a movie.

    The next day I receive a text message that "work got busy." Alright stuff happens, but I do tease about the phone being broken. Oh well, so chatting resumes for about a week and another date is arranged. Shockingly, to me at least, the same outcome of the first "date." Except now he's MORE than hinting about "coming over" to see his place.

    I'm not THAT naive. I thanked him, but have since diminished the time invested into interacting with him as I'm not looking for a "hook-up." However, it occurred to me that is now socially-acceptable to try and set up casual encounters and one-night-stands by stringing someone along and even standing them up, twice, as means of titillating your partner?

    Any and all insights as to why any individual would be so discourteous and socially-inept at communicating in a direct, honest, and adult manner would be appreciated. Because, I just don't "get it."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:00 PM GMT
    Simple: Guys can be flaky.

    Generally if I'm bailed on once, I'm pretty hesitant to make arrangements to meet with them one-on-one again. If we decide to meet somewhere that I know I'll have a good time with friends whether they show up or not, then I'm down. But from a guy who's been stood up for dates more times than he has fingers, I just quit expecting guys to actually meet a commitment like that.

    Another thing; I wouldn't count on meeting guys online to be great dating potential. Most guys are online to hook up, just chat, or make new friends. Then again, since I've stopped dating guys that I've met online, I've still been stood up many times from guys I've met in person, so I go back to my previous statement and say "Guys can be flaky." icon_wink.gif
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:09 PM GMT
    radedd saidOkay, so I'm much more in-tune with women, generally, so I'm looking for some male insight on the "rules" for the etiquette of dating in this era. Allow me to preface this by observing that I am neither crestfallen nor upset about the following episodes that happened to me, but am merely looking to gain perspective as I further attempt to understand and integrate myself into this ever-growing cyber-world of ours. (To wit, I am a person who would prefer writing correspondence in long-hand and sealed with wax as opposed to IMing and Twitter--Ah well, to progress!)

    An abbreviated version of this interaction:

    I met a guy online (gay.com, if queried); there was e-mailing, there was IMing, there was texting, there were actual telephone conversations exchanged over the course of about 2 weeks, or so. We made each other chuckle, and could match quips, references, and double-entendres quite well. So, a date was arranged, to have us meet over drinks for a Friday "decompression" from work. I show up promptly at the specified time; but an hour later I'm still alone, so I send a text message to make sure he's....alive? Fifteen minutes pass with no responses, so I treat myself to a movie.

    The next day I receive a text message that "work got busy." Alright stuff happens, but I do tease about the phone being broken. Oh well, so chatting resumes for about a week and another date is arranged. Shockingly, to me at least, the same outcome of the first "date." Except now he's MORE than hinting about "coming over" to see his place.

    I'm not THAT naive. I thanked him, but have since diminished the time invested into interacting with him as I'm not looking for a "hook-up." However, it occurred to me that is now socially-acceptable to try and set up casual encounters and one-night-stands by stringing someone along and even standing them up, twice, as means of titillating your partner?

    Any and all insights as to why any individual would be so discourteous and socially-inept at communicating in a direct, honest, and adult manner would be appreciated. Because, I just don't "get it."



    Oddly enough, this exact same thing happened to me. Only, im still waiting for a response ;)

    The funny thing is, if i were to go out to a bar tonight i'd see him working there as a bouncer. The conversation about that, he said that he's not into gay bars because of all the drama etc. He claims to work as a personal trainer at a gym. And he' working both jobs to make ends meet... He persued me. Not the other way around. I'm sure if i were out at the bar tonight, he'd come up and give me some lame brain excuse.

    I really hate games and it seems that in your situation and mine a game is being played.

    When the hell did the rules get changed where it's okay to lead someone on like that and not own up to it?

    What's wrong with being honest and say something like "I just want a hookup" "you're not my type".. etc.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:14 PM GMT
    The only mistake you made was giving the guy a second chance. I'd be willing to bet if you look back, he has previously texted you while at work, and it wouldn't have hurt for him to do so again.

    First impressions are important. The flaking out stuff is probably more common than it used to be due to the online thing.. who knows, the guy might not be the same as the pictures in his profile.

    I much prefer to meet in person first.
  • JJ_Atoli

    Posts: 295

    Aug 28, 2010 7:17 PM GMT
    I say just move on. If this guy was really interested he would have made more of an effort to make things right and show up for the second date.

    As far as etiquette is concerned, yes, even in this day and age it's still considered very rude to stand someone up.
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:32 PM GMT
    I say move on. This stuff can be a game to some people. I chatted with a guy from gay . com once for a month, talked on line, emails.iming, phone. Then agreed to meet He didn't show. I gave him a second chance shame on me He didn't show. then I found out why. His pics belonged too someone else. He told me he was 26 a lie he was really 55. Claimed to run a landscaping company, A lie he worked as a bank teller. I found out he was very lonely and pulled this crap on a number of people..
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:34 PM GMT
    JJ_Atoli saidI say just move on. If this guy was really interested he would have made more of an effort to make things right and show up for the second date.

    As far as etiquette is concerned, yes, even in this day and age it's still considered very rude to stand someone up.

    Concur. And BTW, I've hardly ever met a guy in person from online that I didn't talk with on the phone first, or at least had a very strong belief that he would show. I've never been stood-up yet.

    For instance, when I met an RJ member not too long ago, I knew for certain he would show at a restaurant, and I assume he knew that I and my partner would show. We're on a social site here where we're known, and if either party had not followed through, and there're wasn't a plausible explanation for it, either one of us would have been ripped to shreds here for it. That's a kind of insurance, plus for me just the skill I've gained over the years in knowing who I'm dealing with online.

    On the other hand, it's our gay so-called FRIENDS who will let us down. "Oh, we had something come up." "Yeah, we changed our minds."

    And you didn't TELL us, or not until the last minute? Well, they drop down to loser status real quick, kicked off the A list. More problematic are the friends whose clocks are set to GST (gay standard time) and pretty much show up when they please. Oh, they do show up, but they spoil the reservations we've made, screw up other plans and so forth, not to mention just make us feel anxious & uncomfortable.

    That's our special pet peeve, because my partner & I are both extremely punctual. When we set a time & place, not only are we there as promised, but to the minute. That's another bit of social etiquette we insist upon.
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    Aug 28, 2010 7:38 PM GMT
    Since he stood you up he owes you a blow job now. Invite him over to your place and make him suck your dick. Then see how things go from there.
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    Aug 28, 2010 8:27 PM GMT
    That guy is just into playing games or else doesn't look anything like his pictures. So stay away from him. It has happened to me and usually I don't give a second chance until I feel that he is a bit genuine.
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    Aug 28, 2010 8:42 PM GMT
    In this situation I'm usually the bailer. I'm pretty much a traditional guy, don't do hook ups, love to date, and when i like someone i take them flowers. If i don't like you however i just sort of stop talking and hope you get the point. If i stand someone up, or never make definite plans, it's because I just don't find you interesting enough to to figure into my everyday life. Harsh reality, kinda dicky. But just accept his actions as what they are, a sign that "He's just not that into you."
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    Aug 28, 2010 8:45 PM GMT
    I am willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt. However, that is when we have been dating for a while and some time has been invested in the relationship. Early on in relationships we are usually on our best behavior, but when someone can not even bother to do that and let someone know they are going to be late or need to cancel on the first date, it says a lot about that person's character. There is no second chance in that case. There are a lot of men out there with courtesy as a strong point. Find one of those guys.
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    Aug 28, 2010 9:01 PM GMT
    I guess it really is hard for men to grow some balls and at least own up to shit. If you're going to bail or be a no show, how hard is it to say "Hey man sorry.. i've changed my mind im not into you"

    Grow some balls. If you string people along, own up to your shit. It's not that hard
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    Aug 28, 2010 9:22 PM GMT
    radedd saidOkay, so I'm much more in-tune with women, generally, so I'm looking for some male insight on the "rules" for the etiquette of dating in this era. Allow me to preface this by observing that I am neither crestfallen nor upset about the following episodes that happened to me, but am merely looking to gain perspective as I further attempt to understand and integrate myself into this ever-growing cyber-world of ours. (To wit, I am a person who would prefer writing correspondence in long-hand and sealed with wax as opposed to IMing and Twitter--Ah well, to progress!)

    An abbreviated version of this interaction:

    I met a guy online (gay.com, if queried); there was e-mailing, there was IMing, there was texting, there were actual telephone conversations exchanged over the course of about 2 weeks, or so. We made each other chuckle, and could match quips, references, and double-entendres quite well. So, a date was arranged, to have us meet over drinks for a Friday "decompression" from work. I show up promptly at the specified time; but an hour later I'm still alone, so I send a text message to make sure he's....alive? Fifteen minutes pass with no responses, so I treat myself to a movie.

    The next day I receive a text message that "work got busy." Alright stuff happens, but I do tease about the phone being broken. Oh well, so chatting resumes for about a week and another date is arranged. Shockingly, to me at least, the same outcome of the first "date." Except now he's MORE than hinting about "coming over" to see his place.

    I'm not THAT naive. I thanked him, but have since diminished the time invested into interacting with him as I'm not looking for a "hook-up." However, it occurred to me that is now socially-acceptable to try and set up casual encounters and one-night-stands by stringing someone along and even standing them up, twice, as means of titillating your partner?

    Any and all insights as to why any individual would be so discourteous and socially-inept at communicating in a direct, honest, and adult manner would be appreciated. Because, I just don't "get it."


    Sorry this happened to you. It's a right of passage from what I hear. The guy is a flake. Forget about him
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    Aug 28, 2010 9:24 PM GMT
    TMNT saidIn this situation I'm usually the bailer. I'm pretty much a traditional guy, don't do hook ups, love to date, and when i like someone i take them flowers. If i don't like you however i just sort of stop talking and hope you get the point. If i stand someone up, or never make definite plans, it's because I just don't find you interesting enough to to figure into my everyday life. Harsh reality, kinda dicky. But just accept his actions as what they are, a sign that "He's just not that into you."


    And people wonder why gay guys are such flakes. Apparently it's a well practiced art. icon_evil.gif
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    Aug 28, 2010 9:33 PM GMT
    This same thing happened to me pretty much the same only we did get to meet and go out on a wonderful date. Had great conversation, many things in common and now I don't hear from him at all. One week ago he was texting me all the time, Im'ing and emailing and now nothing! WTF is up with that? I thought having a good time and even discussing a 2nd date was a pretty good indication that things went well. Guess not.icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Aug 28, 2010 9:51 PM GMT
    radedd saidAny and all insights as to why any individual would be so discourteous and socially-inept at communicating in a direct, honest, and adult manner would be appreciated. Because, I just don't "get it."


    Because there are very few adults out there.

    It sounds like you are new to the dating scene. At 28 many guys have gone through dumpster-loads of flakes like this. Don't worry about that though, you are at where you are at and that is great.

    But, one of the first things you learn about dating is that the world is full of man-children who are utterly incapable of communicating anything more meaningful than the state of their erection.

    I have a policy with regards to this. I am fucking awesome. I am fun to be with. I am a great at conversation. And if you are too there is a good chance you will get laid. So, if some guy wastes my time on the first meeting without prior notification he is done unless he has a stellar excuse. "Work got busy" is the man-child's "the dog ate my homework". Move on. There are a ton of guys out there who don't want to waste your time. Keep putting yourself out there, go on dates. And when one reveals themselves to be a flake, move on. You are too awesome and life is too short to chase people who don't chase back.
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Aug 28, 2010 10:01 PM GMT
    Letting people know you aren't that interested in them or notifying them that you've decided not to meet them is just "gay". Nothing for us straight-acting homos.