I thought I had this dealt with when I came out? Are you guys joking?

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    Aug 29, 2010 3:50 AM GMT
    Yea, not really sure what I'm looking for here. I just needed to get it out since my friend circle is pretty small these days.

    So, I came out to the immediate family (sister, grandparents, a couple of cousins and aunts and uncles) a few years ago. They accepted it for the most part, besides my grandmother reading from the bible, but I guess that's to be expected.. southern baptist. Here recently, though.. they've just been targeting me one by one. First my sister backfires at me when I'm trying to tell her she needs to straighten up her act bc she just lost her kids (she's addicted to meth) and she yells at me that I don't need to disrespect her like that because I don't have kids and never will because I'm just a stupid faggot and to shut the fuck up. Haven't spoke to her since then. Then I got into a little spew with my cousin on facebook, over NOTHING, telling me and other friends, that we need to keep our nasty fag comments to ourselves, told him off. Then got MAJOR backlash via text and phone calls from my aunts and uncles, and my grandparents just calling me all kinds of fucked up names.. I'm not even going to get into it about my so called friends, they're nothing but a disappointed as well.

    Just tell me this.. if you have such a problem with it, then why act like it is okay for so long then just rip into me out of no where about it all?!?! I'm so fed up with it. I don't know if I'm more hurt, or angry.. pretty sure it's both. As much as I love family, I'm done with mine. They are some of the most bigoted people you will ever meet. If anyones going to hell, it's them.
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    Aug 29, 2010 4:27 AM GMT
    Maybe they were hoping it was a phase? and have since realized it isn't so lash out because they "know" its wrong in their limited view.
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    Aug 29, 2010 4:28 AM GMT
    Rejection hurts, it always has and always will as long as you give it that power.
    No one likes to be reminded of their personal shortcomings, especially by someone that they consider more flawed than them.....Arguing with drug addicts, bible bangers and insecure people will always be a "no-win" situation, so quit trying. You can't help the unwilling , until they recognize the problem for themselves...no matter how much or well intentioned your goal...
    Coming out is not a "one-time" only event, it is a daily event for many to remain out and not be pushed back into the closet by ignorance and hate. The first time you come out is your initial act of declaring your "person-hood" to that part of your world..ie family/friends...from there on it is constantly "guarding your new property" and "laying claim to all of your previous property" so that there is no mistake about anything....It is not easy when you have so many that want to test the bounds and what your reactions are....be consistent and give them the space and distance from you that they want right now. Let them ask you when they need your help and then decide if you are willing to tolerate their ignorance or help them and educate them by your example. You have evolved and many are not yet caught up with you. Some may not ever get caught up with you and you may loose them in the process..most others it just takes time...so give them the time and space. Don't reward their disrespect and bad behavior with your help or by changing who you are to suit them..... Be true to yourself and demand respect from the meth addict, the bible banger and the homophobes..or you will forever hate yourself......it IS hard! and it is NO JOKE! icon_eek.gificon_cool.gif
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    Aug 29, 2010 4:31 AM GMT
    RST2009 saidMaybe they were hoping it was a phase? and have since realized it isn't so lash out because they "know" its wrong in their limited view.



    ...I came out in 1997...I am now 50 years old, my dad has known the entire time and still believes this is a "phase".......some will never publicly acknowledge what they know ......
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    Aug 29, 2010 4:34 AM GMT
    As stupid as it sounds it could be that they are o.k. w/ it on their terms for now. You must know that whenever you argue or fight, someone must feel as tho they came out as the winner. Calling you names to hurt you at your core could just be tha ort it could also be more. You should however always surround yourself w/ ppl wo reinforce who you are.
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    Aug 29, 2010 4:36 AM GMT
    Maybe take a step back and realize they should come back to you instead of trying to win them. Honestly, your family sounds more than limited. They sound like they are not currently capable of coming true to themselves and you did something I bet they admire. You faced your demons head on and you are better for it. Your sister's lot is sad, try compassion and love for her. Your cousin will realize he is missing the guy who was a great friend in youth and you are only better now that you are a true man.

    Just one guy's opinion here.
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    Aug 29, 2010 4:43 AM GMT
    Damn Sporty...nice post

    Yeah, I have some extended family that act the same way. They just started to come around and can’t understand why I won’t have anything to do with them; like I’m just supposed to forget some of the stupid shit they’ve said.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Aug 29, 2010 5:08 AM GMT
    To me, it sounds like your coming out was a 'shock' period, and I think the recent reactions are their attitudes towards your sexual orientation. It might be hard to get over this - at least it would be for me. I really hope my immediate family doesn't react this way. I'm fortunate to say that my legit friends have reacted well.
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    Aug 29, 2010 5:11 AM GMT
    Are the aunt and uncle the parents of the cousin? If it is then it is very likely that they would take the side of the cousin. Just delete him as a friend on Facebook. Maybe just keep your profile for friends. Even with the non-gay parts of our lives, there are some things we share with our friends that we would not share with family. Family and friends are two different type of relationships.
    As for your sister, remember that it could be the drugs talking. She knows she is doing wrong and could be desperately trying to find fault, however misguided, in others to make herself think she's not doing so bad. Take time off from her, but always keep the door open. You might think having her kids taken away is hitting rock bottom, but it might for her be for even something worse. When she has finally reached that point and is ready to accept help, think about being there for her. She is not thinking rationally right now. For many, selfishness and being mean spirited can be part of the addiction. There is nothing good that can be said about meth addiction. But many people hold the false belief that drug addiction is something of groups like those of the inner city, homosexuals, and celebrities. Meth addiction is showing people that addiction also affects the heterosexual world of rural areas and small towns. Maybe it will bring some more compassion for the disease of addiction.
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    Aug 29, 2010 5:11 AM GMT
    Sporty, that's a great post and great advice. Really, all the posts are great. We have nothing to add except...

    here lilZ *hugs lilZ*

    -Doug n Bill

  • BeingThePhoen...

    Posts: 1157

    Aug 29, 2010 5:12 AM GMT
    When I came out, I learned quickly who I needed to cut out of my life. As time went on, I added more and more to that list. Those who wanted off the list let me know and those who wanted to remain on the list also let me know in their own way. I have no time to help my entire family through their ignorance and I don't have the temperament to argue all the time. You have the power, but they want you to believe that they do.
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    Aug 29, 2010 5:13 AM GMT
    You don't need them. Yes, they're family, but if they're only adding to your problems, that's really something that you don't need. I'm sure they'll eventually come to their senses and realize how much they regret rejecting you and realize just how much they miss you. Very interesting thread, stud ;)
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 29, 2010 6:29 AM GMT
    Zack, I'm obviously aware of some of what you've been dealing, but it really sounds like you're getting it from all sides. The one thing you have going for you is that you know you're on the right side, which can't be easy.

    If getting the hell out of there is an option, you should really look at making that happen. If your family isn't there for you, then why are you there for your family? (When it comes to your sister, if she's a serious addict, then everything she says is skewed by her addiction. Let whatever she says roll off your back.) What keeps you there? So, if you can relocate somewhere else where you do have support, you need to try to make that happen for your own mental health.

    If leaving is not an option, especially if you're living with family, that makes it really tough. You do have support out there. You just need to surround yourself with it and block out these negative voices.

    You are lovable, loving, and loved, Zack.
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    Aug 29, 2010 7:11 AM GMT
    In all honesty, dude... they're lashing out at something they don't understand. It has always astounded me how quick families are to turn on you when it comes to something like this.

    Your sister used your sexuality as a weapon to avoid dealing with her problems, your cousin used your sexuality as a weapon to mask his own insecurities about comments that have nothing to do with him, and your aunts, uncles, and grandparents using your sexuality as a weapon to mask their own ignorance, insincerity, and lack of love for you because they ALL just don't get it. People will always try to point out a foible in you when they can't deal with their own problems.

    Despite it all, man, you should continue to stay strong and not change for anyone. I've come to realize that not everyone is going to appreciate and love as you deserve, and if they don't, it's their freakin' lost. You know in your heart you're a good person and you have the right to be comfortable with your own sexuality. If they can't, you don't need them. People will come into your life that will show you the respect and dignity you deserve.
  • hartfan

    Posts: 1037

    Aug 29, 2010 7:46 AM GMT
    Zack, you know there are those of us who will be here for you. Hope you're feeling better.
  • metta

    Posts: 39104

    Aug 29, 2010 7:52 AM GMT
    370913380_c3d89d0ed8.jpg


    Sounds like there is a lot of stress going on around you in your life. Some of that anger may be transference....lets hope they apologize.

    In regards to the close friends in your life....choose them wisely. There are some wonderful people out there...they may be difficult to find....but they are out there.
    big-hugs.gif
  • metta

    Posts: 39104

    Aug 29, 2010 8:04 AM GMT
    UnforgivenBanshee saidI come from a family with drugs, beatings, molestations, etc... Forgive them and then follow the biggest hero you have in your life... For me that is my Father who died of drugs I think... I plan on doing a nice BIG FUCKING BAG of heroin for my birthday this year in his name... I am going to go out with style... Like everyone I stayed alive for that is ultimately chosen this path to change it all. My life, the body is to be used and abused then shed when the time has come.


    This really should be its own thread. Have you considered getting some counseling? You really need to find a healthy way to deal with the abuse you grew up with. That will take professional counseling. Seriously! You need to get help! ASAP! You can live a life with contentment, joy, and of course some sadness (hopefully not too much)....but it will take work to deal with the issues that you grew up with. Life goes by quicker and quicker as you get older...why rush it....it is the only life you have. With life, you have opportunities to experience very special moments in your lifetime. You have opportunities to help others...to help to make things better than they are.


    GLBT National Helpline: 1-888-843-4564
    http://www.glbtnearme.org/ ( http://glbtnationalhelpcenter.org/index2.html )
    http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
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    Aug 29, 2010 8:12 AM GMT
    Hillie saidAs stupid as it sounds it could be that they are o.k. w/ it on their terms for now. You must know that whenever you argue or fight, someone must feel as tho they came out as the winner. Calling you names to hurt you at your core could just be tha ort it could also be more. You should however always surround yourself w/ ppl wo reinforce who you are.


    I agree here, it seems your family is all going through their own problems, and well, when you go and confront them about it, as nice as you are to do so, and as much s you want to help them... if the issues they are dealing with are still great (for instance, if your sisters lost her kids, she will still have loads of grief she cannot be confronted with) than confronting them you will automatically get some form of attack, this is their way of defending themselves from feeling hurt in a situation where they are already down... now how do you defend from an attack? you attack back, so this is the backlash of them feeling hurt... they will surely come out with something to hurt you.... its the smple thing about humans, hurt them and they wil hurt you back... they may not mean it... I know of several instances where my family or friends and I would just shout obscenities at one instant, just venting our anger and frustration, and minutes later its over and we're back to normal... its the reality of a normal family.. your family seems quite accepting, but they may need accepting from you as well in this situation icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 29, 2010 8:12 AM GMT
    After 20 years of knowing her son is gay my mom STILL thinks I might find a 'nice girl'. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Aug 29, 2010 8:23 AM GMT
    Z,
    I hope things get better. And I can Identify with most of what you said. You have an ear here if you ever need to just vent bro. *Big bear hugs*

    I'm sorry you have to go through that crap. Just know that Fam' isn't always defined by blood and I know you're a smart enough man to know that... and that it's the people who are there through the good and bad that are real family.

    Keep us updated.
  • metta

    Posts: 39104

    Aug 29, 2010 8:28 AM GMT
    UnforgivenBanshee said
    metta8 said
    UnforgivenBanshee saidI come from a family with drugs, beatings, molestations, etc... Forgive them and then follow the biggest hero you have in your life... For me that is my Father who died of drugs I think... I plan on doing a nice BIG FUCKING BAG of heroin for my birthday this year in his name... I am going to go out with style... Like everyone I stayed alive for that is ultimately chosen this path to change it all. My life, the body is to be used and abused then shed when the time has come.


    This really should be its own thread. Have you considered getting some counseling? You really need to find a healthy way to deal with the abuse you grew up with. That will take professional counseling. Seriously! You need to get help! ASAP! You can live a life with contentment, joy, and of course some sadness (hopefully not too much)....but it will take work to deal with the issues that you grew up with. Life goes by quicker and quicker as you get older...why rush it....it is the only life you have. With life, you have opportunities to experience very special moments in your lifetime. You have opportunities to help others...to help to make things better than they are.

    http://www.glbtnearme.org/ ( http://glbtnationalhelpcenter.org/index2.html )
    http://www.thetrevorproject.org/


    Do you mean counseling to find my life is worth living like my biggest rock star? That would be my Father... But he bought his last ticket to catch a train to the next lifetime and I am beginning to think I might be late... NOT early to preach to a bunch of skeletons in this life anymore. Did the singer of Nirvana, Alice In Chains, 4 Non Blondes all need this "counseling" you speak of in order to state their case and move on from this DEAD fucking planet? I tend to think not.


    Where do you think you would be going to after you kill yourself? Personally, I really don't think there is any kind of after life...just an opportunity to experience this short lifetime. It would be just such a waste. That you admire people for killing themselves just goes to show you that you are not thinking clearly right now....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 29, 2010 8:28 AM GMT
    did they make Death Wish VII, starring Charles Bronson's corpse? . . .

    . . . .yeah, we all get that this world is, on some level, a charnel orb . . . but why give the assholes of this world (aka our massively dysfunctional families; our sister Eunice or Aunt Polly) the last word?

    . . . why not outlive them all and spend the inheritance in a very gay way?


    . . . that's my plan, and I'm sticking to it . . .
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    Aug 29, 2010 9:02 AM GMT
    Sorry your going through this, coming from a family that is southern baptist you know how things can be. Even if they believe its wrong though they should never degrade you like that, as far as I know Jesus never sat there and degraded ppl for their sins. Whether they think its wrong or not they should never degrade you and make u feel like a sub human. Being a meth head, a liar, a drug dealer, a murderer, a prostitute, a bigot, or a thief all holds the same weight. I dont remember the bible saying murderers get 10pts while thieves get 5 do you?

    If they continue in their ways of treating you I completely understand you deciding to not deal with them. You may need time apart to appreciate each other.
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    Aug 29, 2010 9:19 AM GMT
    UnforgivenBanshee said
    metta8 said
    UnforgivenBanshee said
    metta8 said
    UnforgivenBanshee saidI come from a family with drugs, beatings, molestations, etc... Forgive them and then follow the biggest hero you have in your life... For me that is my Father who died of drugs I think... I plan on doing a nice BIG FUCKING BAG of heroin for my birthday this year in his name... I am going to go out with style... Like everyone I stayed alive for that is ultimately chosen this path to change it all. My life, the body is to be used and abused then shed when the time has come.


    This really should be its own thread. Have you considered getting some counseling? You really need to find a healthy way to deal with the abuse you grew up with. That will take professional counseling. Seriously! You need to get help! ASAP! You can live a life with contentment, joy, and of course some sadness (hopefully not too much)....but it will take work to deal with the issues that you grew up with. Life goes by quicker and quicker as you get older...why rush it....it is the only life you have. With life, you have opportunities to experience very special moments in your lifetime. You have opportunities to help others...to help to make things better than they are.

    http://www.glbtnearme.org/ ( http://glbtnationalhelpcenter.org/index2.html )
    http://www.thetrevorproject.org/


    Do you mean counseling to find my life is worth living like my biggest rock star? That would be my Father... But he bought his last ticket to catch a train to the next lifetime and I am beginning to think I might be late... NOT early to preach to a bunch of skeletons in this life anymore. Did the singer of Nirvana, Alice In Chains, 4 Non Blondes all need this "counseling" you speak of in order to state their case and move on from this DEAD fucking planet? I tend to think not.


    Where do you think you would be going to after you kill yourself? Personally, I really don't think there is any kind of after life...just an opportunity to experience this short lifetime.


    I am NOT endorsing suicide as much as indulging in final pleasures so killing myself is not the way I like to think about this contemplation I have also been having. I am NOT a fucking suicide queen... I am a STRONG believer in these spiritual planes that have made me realize that the body REALLY IS just a sack of skin and bones used to communicate a message. The PROBLEM is no matter how hard I try I cannot live up to the message my Father tried to give and I should have never let him down like I did... That is a fact, not a psychotic illusion. I have witnessed the old and the young discard this shell of existence in a genuine effort to find peace... It's just a fucking drug like H20 if you really think about it... But you wouldn't think about it if you are still clinging to something in this everyday voyage. I am really OVER this fucking voyage... I want a new one and I believe my Father was the last one to find it otherwise he wouldn't be STUPID enough to overdose like a loser. I believe there is a secret part of my Father in heaven that was a winner... AND I am going to prove it to him... That is my decision and my experience with the life I have lived... Unless you have really lived the life of the broken you will never REALLY understand. What do I have to teach here? NOTHING!!!! What do I have to give here??? Obviously NOTHING!!!! That is why I have been left behind here.


    The voyage you are on now CAN change and become a completely different one before it is done. You are the commander of the ship and crashing it resolves nothing. What's to say that you decide to end this voyage only to find that you have carried all your problems to the next one.

    Think of the help you need to seek as a copilot who will help you get back in the direction you want to go. It sounds like you believe there is only one route and by stubbornly sticking to the course have passed by many more enlightened paths.

    Dude, we will all die one day, but there is no need to rush it. There is so much we can see and do before we reach the end. Drugs only knock us off course.

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    Aug 29, 2010 9:26 AM GMT
    lilZ saidYea, not really sure what I'm looking for here. I just needed to get it out since my friend circle is pretty small these days.

    So, I came out to the immediate family (sister, grandparents, a couple of cousins and aunts and uncles) a few years ago. They accepted it for the most part, besides my grandmother reading from the bible, but I guess that's to be expected.. southern baptist. Here recently, though.. they've just been targeting me one by one. First my sister backfires at me when I'm trying to tell her she needs to straighten up her act bc she just lost her kids (she's addicted to meth) and she yells at me that I don't need to disrespect her like that because I don't have kids and never will because I'm just a stupid faggot and to shut the fuck up. Haven't spoke to her since then. Then I got into a little spew with my cousin on facebook, over NOTHING, telling me and other friends, that we need to keep our nasty fag comments to ourselves, told him off. Then got MAJOR backlash via text and phone calls from my aunts and uncles, and my grandparents just calling me all kinds of fucked up names.. I'm not even going to get into it about my so called friends, they're nothing but a disappointed as well.

    Just tell me this.. if you have such a problem with it, then why act like it is okay for so long then just rip into me out of no where about it all?!?! I'm so fed up with it. I don't know if I'm more hurt, or angry.. pretty sure it's both. As much as I love family, I'm done with mine. They are some of the most bigoted people you will ever meet. If anyones going to hell, it's them.


    It sounds like many in your family have anger issues. What you want to learn from this is how NOT to be like them. We can all act like our worst enemy but our worst enemy is there to teach us how NOT to act. Focus on being the man you want to be and leave them to fight their battles without you.