Five years ending

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 30, 2010 2:31 AM GMT
    Things have been really hard for the past few months. I have finally called off my relationship of nearly five years. We are still currently living together, though I recently asked him to move into the other room in our house. We have two dogs that are pretty much mine.

    Being in this relationship, we didn't really work on having friends outside of ourselves. Now, I am terrified of moving on. I lost my father within our first year of our relationship. My father was my one best friend. I have never been in a relationship before. I am finding it hard not to be able to talk with many people, especially my father at this trying time.

    Some of my other friends, don't seem to understand, as they are not gay, how hard it is to find a relationship in the gay community. All to often it just seems like the world is dark.

    I want to get out, I want to start over, I want a better life for myself. I just don't know where to start.

    I'm not quite sure why I'm posting this. I just wanted to get it out a bit. Thanks for reading...
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    Aug 30, 2010 3:20 AM GMT
    There are a lot of great guys here, so don't feel like you can't share what you're feeling. Give yourself time to heal, and take things one day at a time.

    I know when I ended my relationship, I kept apologizing to my friends for constantly bringing up the subject and they had no problems. When I did that with my ex shrink, he chastised me for always bringing the ex into the conversation...even though I told him it was first.

    That's why he's my ex shrink.lol
  • azureskyy20

    Posts: 100

    Aug 30, 2010 3:24 AM GMT
    I can completely understand. My straight friends don't understand why I don't hook-up all the time like the rest of them.

    It is EXTREMELY rare to be able to find someone in the gay world that legitimately wants an honest real relationship.

    Just remember you don't have to find someone to be with immediately, make some decent friends first. A friend of mine has told me that when you make friends at first, they're generally not the ppl you end up hanging out with all the time. You get in with them, they introduce you to their friends, they you meet their friends friends and eventually you'll find people you really click with.

    As to where to start...you can meet people anywhere. Just a simple (and sometimes so hard) challenge of opening up and talking to people you meet =)

    I'm cheerin for ya mountainbiker ;)
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    Aug 30, 2010 3:25 AM GMT
    Dude, you are experiencing things that alot of people can identify with. It must have been a pretty much cathartic experience to express your feelings online like you did.

    I expect you will receive a sympathetic and enthusiastic response to what you said. We have all experienced the same emotions.

    You will move on and learn from what happened and be a better and stronger person for it and that's what matters the most.
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    Aug 30, 2010 3:30 AM GMT
    lol, everythings been said up here... all I can say is I wish you "bon courage" as the french say (kind of like "good luck" but more of a personal motivator, as in "go for it, you can do it!")
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    Aug 30, 2010 3:32 AM GMT
    I'll echo everyone else first. I hope the post helped to just get it out.

    As to where to start, how about at your local bike shop. Go on some ride with other people who you automatically click with. Whether it's gay friends or straight friends, it doesn't matter as long as they're friends and they're cool w/ you just being you.

    I don't know much about Arkansas, except that my guess is that it's a lot like Idaho. Use sites like this to find other like minded people.

    1 good friend is worth much more than a several tricks.

    Take care, and know that things will get better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 30, 2010 3:50 AM GMT
    Hey you can talk to me anytime!

    -Doug of meninlove
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    Aug 30, 2010 5:50 AM GMT
    Don't worry. You've already started to create a new life for yourself. It'll all play out as long as you maintain the right attitude, which sounds like you will. Best of luck.

    Judging by your profile, you will have NO problems finding the next relationship.
  • str8hardbody9

    Posts: 1519

    Aug 30, 2010 5:54 AM GMT
    sdgman saidDude, you are experiencing things that alot of people can identify with. It must have been a pretty much cathartic experience to express your feelings online like you did.

    I expect you will receive a sympathetic and enthusiastic response to what you said. We have all experienced the same emotions.

    You will move on and learn from what happened and be a better and stronger person for it and that's what matters the most.


    I completely agree. I been ion the same boat bro but time will heal a wounded heart. It just take time. Keep yourself busy and try to forget about the past so you can move on. Life is too short enjoy every minute of it. Goodluck and wish you well. God Bless.
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    Aug 30, 2010 6:10 AM GMT
    I'd say that first, you have to NOT be in a relationship for a while. You need to learn how to be happy by yourself. Make friends that you can count on and trust.

    You're still young. It doesn't sound like you've had much of a chance to develop friendships as an adult. Since you lost your father, it was easy to transfer that friendship aspect to your ex. The unintended side effect was that you didn't develop new friendships as well as your relationship.

    When you're in a relationship, you need to cultivate both the friends you have yourself as well as the friends you have together. You don't want a relationship to become too insular. There are exceptions, but they only prove the rule.

    Be on your own. Find and cultivate gay friends but beware that you don't start thinking of any new friend as 'dating material' as well as making sure that a new friend is also not view you that way.

    Finding great friends whether gay or straight, is not easy, but it's a little easier than finding a great boyfriend.
    (It only took me 52 years but it was worth the wait.)
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    Aug 30, 2010 6:17 AM GMT
    bgcat57 saidI'd say that first, you have to NOT be in a relationship for a while. You need to learn how to be happy by yourself. Make friends that you can count on and trust.

    You're still young. It doesn't sound like you've had much of a chance to develop friendships as an adult. Since you lost your father, it was easy to transfer that friendship aspect to your ex. The unintended side effect was that you didn't develop new friendships as well as your relationship.

    When you're in a relationship, you need to cultivate both the friends you have yourself as well as the friends you have together. You don't want a relationship to become too insular. There are exceptions, but they only prove the rule.

    Be on your own. Find and cultivate gay friends but beware that you don't start thinking of any new friend as 'dating material' as well as making sure that a new friend is also not view you that way.

    Finding great friends whether gay or straight, is not easy, but it's a little easier than finding a great boyfriend.
    (It only took me 52 years but it was worth the wait.)


    THIS, like really, this.

    For me it was 34.

    -Doug
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    Aug 30, 2010 6:34 AM GMT
    I feel for you. I can’t even imagine; most of our friends are really his friends…damn; all of them are…I need to get out more often.
    I don’t know how it would be living in the same home…I couldn’t do it.

    Anyhow: big hugs
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    Sep 03, 2010 10:27 PM GMT
    Thanks guys for all your replies. I have been dealing with a great deal of stress and major depression. It seems like I have the right frame of mind then it shoots away again. I am currently packing my things to find another place to live.

    I keep having these major concerns of whether I am doing to "right" thing to do or not. I know we all make mistakes, but man this one sucks!

    I am trying to stay positive, but it just never seems to work. I am bound to get over this, I sure I am. It is just hard at the present moment.

    Anyways, thanks again guys. You all certainly have give kind words!
  • turtleneckjoc...

    Posts: 4685

    Sep 03, 2010 10:33 PM GMT
    mtbkrguy08 saidThanks guys for all your replies. I have been dealing with a great deal of stress and major depression. It seems like I have the right frame of mind then it shoots away again. I am currently packing my things to find another place to live.

    I keep having these major concerns of whether I am doing to "right" thing to do or not. I know we all make mistakes, but man this one sucks!

    I am trying to stay positive, but it just never seems to work. I am bound to get over this, I sure I am. It is just hard at the present moment.

    Anyways, thanks again guys. You all certainly have give kind words!


    If you say you are dealing with major depression, please reach out to your doctor. They will be able to prescribe a medication that will help you cope. Also, please know that you have US here at RJ to help guide you and give you support as well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 03, 2010 10:43 PM GMT
    You are always going to second guess yourself. I imagine the things that made the relationship great in the beginning are just no longer there. Keep reminding yourself of why you decided to end it in the first place, and would it be better to go on like it is right now?... probably not.

    People grow apart. It sucks but it's reality.
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    Sep 03, 2010 11:15 PM GMT
    turtleneckjock said
    mtbkrguy08 saidThanks guys for all your replies. I have been dealing with a great deal of stress and major depression. It seems like I have the right frame of mind then it shoots away again. I am currently packing my things to find another place to live.

    I keep having these major concerns of whether I am doing to "right" thing to do or not. I know we all make mistakes, but man this one sucks!

    I am trying to stay positive, but it just never seems to work. I am bound to get over this, I sure I am. It is just hard at the present moment.

    Anyways, thanks again guys. You all certainly have give kind words!


    If you say you are dealing with major depression, please reach out to your doctor. They will be able to prescribe a medication that will help you cope. Also, please know that you have US here at RJ to help guide you and give you support as well.


    ^ Poor advice in regards to getting a prescription medication. Please do not resort to medication...except as a LAST option; and I hope you do not get to such a point. No doctor will understand YOUR body as well as yourself; And while they are "medical professionals" (and I'm not), if you ask/request for medication...majority of doctors will give them to you w/little to no questions asked.

    I think you are making the right choice by moving out/finding a new place... Also, if there is ANYONE whom you can reach out to, then by all means do...that includes a counselor/mentor, etc. if you don't have any close friendships. While alone time/time for reflection isn't a bad thing, don't let yourself become isolated w/society...that will further feed into your current low-point.

    You certainly will get through it...but of course it's difficult at first and in the near future...just don't lose sight on yourself and your future. As one of the previous posters suggested, eating health and exercising (or any form of physical activity/sports, etc.) really does wonders on not only your health/well-being, but your thoughts and moods.

    Best wishes!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2010 1:42 AM GMT
    Hey guys, I thought I'd update some of you guys.

    I am dealing with the depression much better now.

    I have been working out a lot more now. I can even feel a great change happening. I have also decided to get tested. It makes me super nervous but I really don't see the need. I should know my results in under two weeks.

    I am also going to do the Big Dam Bridge Cycling Tour on the 25th.

    Anyway, thanks guys for helping me out in my time of need.
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    Sep 15, 2010 1:48 AM GMT
    My sympathies for not only the loss of your father but for the loss of your relationship. And while I have never been in a relationship nearly that long I understand what it is like to go through the depression of trying to gather the pieces of your life back together and move on. The words of encouragement I have for you my friend is that give it time. You'll have good days and bad days but in the end life goes on... think of it as a stepping stone to something much bigger and better. Nothing but the best to you in your journey.
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    Sep 15, 2010 12:43 PM GMT
    You are doing all the right things. You have a lot going for yourself. That should help give you confidence in yourself and allow you to not be concerned about doing things perfectly. If you are not a member of a gym, you might consider joining and going daily. Not that the gym is necessarily the best meeting place, but you will see others and put some focus on your own progress.
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    Sep 15, 2010 1:48 PM GMT
    mtbkrguy08 saidI want to get out, I want to start over, I want a better life for myself. I just don't know where to start.

    Your profile says Conway, Arkansas, which I know quite well from my years in Little Rock. Do you intend to stay there? Do you have education & career plans? Your profile is not clear on your current situation regarding school & employment.

    Get into LR much? As you know, it can be a world away from Conway, despite being a quick drive down I-40, but maybe not your style. An awful lot to keep an outdoors guy busy in Arkansas, was one of my favorite places to camp, hike, boat, and motorcycle. I hardly ever spent a weekend at home in the warmer months, always going up to the Ozarks. Route 7 between Russellville and Harrison is rated one of the 10 best motorcycling roads in the entire US, and I rode that sucker dozens of times.

    Your best immediate therapy may be to exploit & enjoy your natural surroundings, since you appear to love the outdoors like me. Arkansas is the place for it. You got together with you ex when? At 18 or 19? And you're 23 now -- you know there's nothing wrong with not having another relationship right away. In fact, starting new relationships on the "rebound" can be unwise, often better to wait and let the healing process do its thing. Especially with the concurrent loss of your father.

    Your emotions may not be reliable right now, though you may not see it yourself. You might do better taking a break from relationships, and do what you like to do best. You've got enough time at your age that you can attend to other parts of your life first, before returning to dating & relationships. Keep your life as simple as you can right now, don't put too much on your plate all at once, and remember first things first.

    I also see you frightened at being totally on your own, suddenly having to take the big solo plunge into the adult world, that your father and former partner may have partly insulated you from, certainly aided you. Actually, most of us reach that point in our lives one day. Some look forward to it, others dread it. You've been pushed into it, so you simply have to make the best of it. I think you'll do OK.
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    Sep 15, 2010 2:06 PM GMT
    We've been there and feel for you. It sucks, it hurts, but it will get better. If you need to chat feel free. You are not alone in this.
    Take care.
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    Sep 15, 2010 2:14 PM GMT
    I have never been in a relationship for that long or matter of fact for over a year, but even when someone feels special after a few dates and then it doesn't work out, it hurts like hell. So I can only imagine what you are going through.
    For me its gym, running and yoga that gets me through the toughest of the times.
    Also one thing I have learned is never to loose touch with friends when you get in a relationship, because friends are forever and they will be there when you need them the most.
    Wishing you all the best for finding nice and true friends who would understand what you are going through. And no matter how tough it gets never forget to laugh, its the best medicine for depression icon_smile.gif
  • Stephan

    Posts: 407

    Sep 15, 2010 2:15 PM GMT
    Life mirrors others so you are not alone my friend.
    Hang in there it will get better in time and stay focus on living your life to the fullest!
    I too have been there, and when I ended my 5yr ordeal, the hardest part was our living arrangement. I decided to move on out, and start life fresh.

    Its tough, but worth everything in going forward!

    You have many friends now and support! Look to all of us, and we will be there for you!
    icon_wink.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 16, 2010 10:46 AM GMT
    Sorry You have to feel this way
    But if it makes you feel any better .... most of the guys on here have been thru what you're going thru a couple of times
    It sucks but it's something you have to do to get to the other side

    If you haven't done it yet you need to end the bad relationship first
    If you're still trying to save it you can't be thinking about what it will be like if it ends ..... you're just beating your head against the wall

    Once it's ended take a breather
    stay away from entering another relationship for now
    and in some time you'll get you sea legs back and it will be time to date again