Dating guys with overbearing mothers

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 31, 2010 11:59 PM GMT
    I have a question about obsessive “mother-in-laws.”

    My mom and I are very close—I tell her everything about my life (expect of course details of my sexual activities). We talk at least once a day on the phone. She is very special to me and has saved my life in more ways than one.

    She’s very loving and kind, but I’m afraid she might scare some guys away with her daily phone calls and eagerness to welcome and spoil my man. At times she can be kind of nosey too without realizing it. She has loved spoiling my sister’s boyfriends… but my mom and I are much closer, and I’m afraid any of my boyfriends will have to deal with more than my sister’s boyfriends.

    If you were/are dating… would you be put off by a guy with an overbearing mother… one who calls your boyfriend every day? Has anyone had similar experiences?
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    Sep 01, 2010 2:13 AM GMT
    My bf's mom is overbearing, except she hate's me because she thinks I turned him gay even though he came out before we started dating. Having her around and constantly nosing into our relationship is incredibly annoying and somewhat damaging. It might be different though if your mom were actually accepting of whoever you chose to be your boyfriend.
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    Sep 01, 2010 2:17 AM GMT
    Depends on the boyfriend. Some guys will get along with your mother great and some will not care for her. Handle it on a case bay case basis. If he thinks your mother is too overbearing then ask her to back off a little.
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    Sep 01, 2010 3:54 AM GMT
    It sounds to me that any boyfriend who is turned off by your relationship with your mother, isnt a boyfriend worth your time. He should be understanding that really, you two are just close. He should accept and respect that. I mean, she is a significant person in your life right?

    Also I have had a relationship with a guy with a similar motherly character, I sort of loved it!
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    Sep 01, 2010 4:05 AM GMT
    I speak to my mother everyday on the phone. A lot of people do that. People are usually very close to their mothers. I would think it's endearing. The problem is if she doesn't like your boyfriend.

    My boyfriend's mother is the single biggest contention point in our 4-year relationship, even bigger than money. She constantly tries to set him up with women, embarrasses me in front of others, and generally criticizes everything I do. She's always around. She always tells me I need to clean better, cook better, use a different laundry detergent, etc. She's like that woman from "Everybody Loves Raymond."
    I try to ignore her. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. For example, my boyfriend and I had a fight today for about 2 hours because of her. Now he's gone, probably to visit her. And I still am not done fighting with him.

    At some point, you should be brave, and develop the decency to tell your mother to back off your boyfriend if she doesn't like him.
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    Sep 01, 2010 4:09 AM GMT
    conscienti1984 saidIf you were/are dating… would you be put off by a guy with an overbearing mother… one who calls your boyfriend every day? Has anyone had similar experiences?

    In the past when I've dated guys with mothers "on the scene" as it were, I cultivated them. Better to have them as an ally than an enemy.

    And as I've written here before, the odd thing was that the son would tell me how absolutely awful & horrible his mother was, and to be prepared for the worst when I met her. And then I finally did, and behold! She was charming & gracious, not at all what her son her warned me she would be. And she would remain that way the entire time I knew her. And the same went for the fathers.

    As for an overbearing mother, I never encountered that. Her son may have claimed she was, but I never saw it. And even if she had been, I would have worked that to my advantage, and his. What you cannot change, you exploit.

    So to the OP's question: no, an overbearing mother would not necessarily make me run away. But this is problematic, depending on how horrible the mother is, and how her son responds to her. For myself, I would try to tame the lion in her den. If I couldn't, well, yeah, then we've got a problem.
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    Sep 01, 2010 4:11 AM GMT
    are you dating his mom
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    Sep 01, 2010 4:12 AM GMT
    Not speaking from experience but from a friend of mine who has been dating this guy for about a year or so now. She, yes the real she say's that her bf's mother is very overbearing and way to involved. She has had to make it known that she is his boyfriend and that she is dating him, not the mother dating him. It hasn't hurt their relationship so far, but she does have to keep her image aside his very apparent.

    Now if I were dating a guy in this situation, I don't know if I could date someone who is that tied to the cord still. There is nothing wrong with having a tight relationship with your mom, dad, or bro, but I have to have a healthy, reasonable, growing and loving relationship with my partner too, especially if your planning a future together.
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    Sep 01, 2010 4:14 AM GMT
    my mom delved in too deep in my last relationship, im afraid to say that it was the main reason my ex and i broke up..
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    Sep 01, 2010 4:15 AM GMT
    carmineastoria saidI speak to my mother everyday on the phone. A lot of people do that. People are usually very close to their mothers. I would think it's endearing. The problem is if she doesn't like your boyfriend.

    My boyfriend's mother is the single biggest contention point in our 4-year relationship, even bigger than money. She constantly tries to set him up with women, embarrasses me in front of others, and generally criticizes everything I do. She's always around. She always tells me I need to clean better, cook better, use a different laundry detergent, etc. She's like that woman from "Everybody Loves Raymond."
    I try to ignore her. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. For example, my boyfriend and I had a fight today for about 2 hours because of her. Now he's gone, probably to visit her. And I still am not done fighting with him.

    At some point, you should be brave, and develop the decency to tell your mother to back off your boyfriend if she doesn't like him.


    Dude... that sucks, I would bail out, I would never put up with that. That is so disrespectful to you. I can't believe your bf let's his mother do that!!!!
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    Sep 01, 2010 4:27 AM GMT
    EverydayJack said
    Dude... that sucks, I would bail out, I would never put up with that. That is so disrespectful to you. I can't believe your bf let's his mother do that!!!!

    She does the same thing to her other kids' partners too. It's just worse with me because I've apparently kept him gay.
    It's a little complicated. We have kids. Anyway, the rest of his family likes me. His father has told him several times, in my presence, that I'm one of the better decisions in his life.icon_biggrin.gif
  • commoncoll

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    Sep 01, 2010 4:43 AM GMT
    OP: My mother's like that too. But she liked my boyfriends. And all three of them liked her. At one point I got the impression, that my mother would leave me to adopt him.

    They said it made them feel like part of the family. In that aspect, an overbearing mother might even help you with a future relationship.

    Now if she doesn't like him, you got yourself a real problem like the guy above.
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    Sep 01, 2010 4:57 AM GMT
    Depends on how close they are and how much they share. One of the women at work set me up with her son (he has just moved back to Sydney from overseas) and they are VERY close, and he tells her everything. It's very awkward. Like, the other day she came into my office and closed the door and was "He thinks you're really hot, he wanted to kiss you the other night but didn't know if he should have" and stuff like that. That is off putting; when I'm getting to know a guy I don't want his mother being an intermediary. It's really turned me off.
  • mynyun

    Posts: 1346

    Sep 01, 2010 5:05 AM GMT
    dash_8 saidDepends on how close they are and how much they share. One of the women at work set me up with her son (he has just moved back to Sydney from overseas) and they are VERY close, and he tells her everything. It's very awkward. Like, the other day she came into my office and closed the door and was "He thinks you're really hot, he wanted to kiss you the other night but didn't know if he should have" and stuff like that. That is off putting; when I'm getting to know a guy I don't want his mother being an intermediary. It's really turned me off.




    Eewwwwwwwwwwwww Yeah that would be a turn off. And lead to many uncomfortable moments. I guess it's a good thing my mom and I aren't close. I couldn't imagine that.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Sep 01, 2010 5:33 AM GMT
    dash_8 saidDepends on how close they are and how much they share. One of the women at work set me up with her son (he has just moved back to Sydney from overseas) and they are VERY close, and he tells her everything. It's very awkward. Like, the other day she came into my office and closed the door and was "He thinks you're really hot, he wanted to kiss you the other night but didn't know if he should have" and stuff like that. That is off putting; when I'm getting to know a guy I don't want his mother being an intermediary. It's really turned me off.


    Sorry, but this is your own fault. Next time don't go out with your co-workers son... of course it's going to come back around to you.
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    Sep 01, 2010 6:24 AM GMT
    carmineastoria saidI speak to my mother everyday on the phone. A lot of people do that. People are usually very close to their mothers. I would think it's endearing. The problem is if she doesn't like your boyfriend.

    My boyfriend's mother is the single biggest contention point in our 4-year relationship, even bigger than money. She constantly tries to set him up with women, embarrasses me in front of others, and generally criticizes everything I do. She's always around. She always tells me I need to clean better, cook better, use a different laundry detergent, etc. She's like that woman from "Everybody Loves Raymond."
    I try to ignore her. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. For example, my boyfriend and I had a fight today for about 2 hours because of her. Now he's gone, probably to visit her. And I still am not done fighting with him.

    At some point, you should be brave, and develop the decency to tell your mother to back off your boyfriend if she doesn't like him.


    HAHA no... My mom will love anyone I date... unless he is mentally/physically abusive or mean to me--but if that were the case, I'd kick him out anyway!

    If I'm happy with my bf, my mom will like him.

    Thanks for all the advice everyone... I was just a little concerned if guys were put off by mothers like mine.
  • Iluros

    Posts: 559

    Sep 01, 2010 6:34 AM GMT
    My ex's mother was definitely the overbearing type. With a little bit of crazy and backstabbing southern hospitality thrown in.

    For the first couple years that we were dating she was living with him. She constantly offered to get me drinks, prepare meals, etc. Even when it was clear that it wasn't necessary, for example; while I was in the middle of cooking dinner (incidentally, french fries does not go with lasagna). And any food or drink left to sit for more than a minute disappeared... followed shortly by another offer for more food or beverages. Creepy.

    She never left the house and tried to get her son not to leave the house, either. We started joking that it wasn't safe to drive because it was "partially cloudy," due to her insistence of the danger of the weather whatever it happened to be at the time.

    The situation improved when she got miraculously married and left. I kind of felt sorry for her, more so in the beginning because my ex was so mean to her. But she was also chronically idiotic: often imploring me to cover for her disasters, of which there were many, and so I lost a teeny bit of sympathy.

    I dunno what the moral of the story is here. It wasn't really a strain on the relationship, though it should have been. Had I been more experienced I probably would have taken his treatment of her as a bad sign. And while she was two-faced to me I couldn't really blame him for that. I think most reasonable people can take situations like that in stride, and if they can't they're probably not worth your time. Also, being an adult, it's kind of past time that you get over the being-embarrassed-by-your-parents thing, no?
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    Sep 01, 2010 6:37 AM GMT
    Hunter9 said
    dash_8 saidDepends on how close they are and how much they share. One of the women at work set me up with her son (he has just moved back to Sydney from overseas) and they are VERY close, and he tells her everything. It's very awkward. Like, the other day she came into my office and closed the door and was "He thinks you're really hot, he wanted to kiss you the other night but didn't know if he should have" and stuff like that. That is off putting; when I'm getting to know a guy I don't want his mother being an intermediary. It's really turned me off.


    Sorry, but this is your own fault. Next time don't go out with your co-workers son... of course it's going to come back around to you.


    I probably should have clarified. I only offered to meet him because he doesn't know anyone in Sydney. He's nice, and we get on, but I never had any intentions of dating him or going any further than being friends precisely because his mother is a co-worker.
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    Sep 01, 2010 12:48 PM GMT
    What a great problem to have: A mother who really loves you and wants the best for you. I think it is great that you have this kind of relationship with your mother.

    I agree with fastfreddie, it will be a case by case basis. It is good that you recognize that this can be a problem for some people. Hopefully you will use this knowledge to be sensitive to your boyfriends needs.

    As carmineastoria said, as long as she is not berating your bf or causing you guys grief, I think the majority of guys will be okay with it.

    Just remember to keep some boundaries about what you decide to reveal to your bf and mother. You could inadvertently create problems between the two by discussing problems you are having with them.


    Good luck!
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    Sep 01, 2010 1:08 PM GMT
    OP, you're asking for opinions on a what-if scenario that, in reality, may not happen at all. I'd ask that you spare us with the request for insight until after the opportunity actually presents itself, but it's a little too late to go there.

    And I question your use of the word "spoil." Your mother spoils the guys your sister dates? Really? Tell me how, please. And you fear that your potential boyfriends will have to deal with more spoiling than your sister's boyfriends? Again, it would be great if you explain this in more detail.
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    Sep 01, 2010 1:20 PM GMT
    I would definitely be put off someone if they were always on the phone to their mother, asking her opinion on everything, and her basically still dominating his life and to some extent calling the shots.

    You can be close to your parents without them interfering in your life.

    I love my parents and I love how they are with me - they never interfere, but they are always there for support or advice if needed. I don't speak to them everyday, usually only about once a week, and that is fine.

    In a previous relationship, one of the reasons my bf at the time broke up with me is that he didn't think I would fit in to the family and get on with his mother, despite the fact I had never met her. He would also talk to her about me and she would give her opinion about me, again having not even met me. I think that is pretty pathetic to be honest.