Why is it so hard to find a committed gay man?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 03, 2010 5:48 AM GMT
    Looks like we all are trying to find that special guy that we can get into and fall in love. If we all are looking why most of us are still single. To me this is a dilemma....icon_biggrin.gif
  • DarkSensation

    Posts: 715

    Sep 03, 2010 7:30 AM GMT
    hollist3r saidLooks like we all are trying to find that special guy that we can get into and fall in love. If we all are looking why most of us are still single. To me this is a dilemma....icon_biggrin.gif

    Come to NYC Handsome and I will Commit to you Exclusively icon_wink.gif
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Sep 03, 2010 7:37 AM GMT
    It can and will happen...


    It takes time..


    There are a lot of factors involving stereotypes, and why said stereotypes are often accurate. It's mostly self-esteem, caused by society and the common view of homosexuality caused by ridiculous preconceptions.


    Anyways... there are good guys out there, and I'm sure you'll find one, just keep faith
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    Sep 03, 2010 9:59 AM GMT
    hollist3r saidLooks like we all are trying to find that special guy that we can get into and fall in love. If we all are looking why most of us are still single. To me this is a dilemma....icon_biggrin.gif



    ...Because it's like doing a jigsaw puzzle. A lot of guys though, believe that a perfect guy will be a perfect fit for them, but that's not how it works, in my humble experience.

    The perfect fit will not be a perfect man; he'll be your complement. icon_wink.gif


    -Doug


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    Sep 03, 2010 10:05 AM GMT
    The perfect guy doesn't check boxes... And it's probably more you then him.
  • emailaddress

    Posts: 313

    Sep 03, 2010 10:11 AM GMT
    because in the gay scene, its all about "me" and my "needs". noone else matters. Would you take time to get to know an average guy with average look when there is buff muscle guys with perfect faces flaunting in front of you?


    I know i wouldnt. But I hope one day I can look beyond the physcial attributes and see someone as who they are, not just an image everyone is the gay scene is chasing.
  • emailaddress

    Posts: 313

    Sep 03, 2010 10:12 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidThe perfect guy doesn't check boxes... And it's probably more you then him.



    True, one has to sleep with an incredible number of hot guys to have such enlightenment.
  • mynyun

    Posts: 1346

    Sep 03, 2010 10:23 AM GMT
    Well I know I won't find my someone in Tennessee. This place sucks.!
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    Sep 03, 2010 10:26 AM GMT
    I wonder why people go on about how it's because of how gay men are, don't you know any adult straight women? It's got little to do with being gay except from a % of the population perspective.
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    Sep 03, 2010 10:26 AM GMT
    It's because most of us have forgotten how to compromise.
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    Sep 03, 2010 10:28 AM GMT
    bigtallman saidI wonder why people go on about how it's because of how gay men are, don't you know any adult straight women? It's got little to do with being gay except from a % of the population perspective.


    I was about to say the same thing...

    "because in the gay scene, its all about "me" and my "needs"."

    ...really, in the straight scene it's all about 'me' and 'my needs' Just ask a few single straights.

    -Doug (oh god what am I doing up at 3:30am?) icon_lol.gif
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    Sep 03, 2010 10:31 AM GMT
    committed guys are all over this place....
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    Sep 03, 2010 10:32 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    bigtallman saidI wonder why people go on about how it's because of how gay men are, don't you know any adult straight women? It's got little to do with being gay except from a % of the population perspective.


    I was about to say the same thing...

    "because in the gay scene, its all about "me" and my "needs"."

    ...really, in the straight scene it's all about 'me' and 'my needs' Just ask a few single straights.

    -Doug (oh god what am I doing up at 3:30am?) icon_lol.gif


    well, is Bill awake also? icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Sep 03, 2010 10:39 AM GMT
    Hey BuckYou! Nope, Bill's sleeping - I'm up because Spencer is having a bad night and wandering about the house (from the stroke). Keeping him company settles him down.

    -Doug
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    Sep 03, 2010 10:41 AM GMT
    oh, ok. icon_biggrin.gif

    you sure love dogs, Doug icon_smile.gif
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    Sep 03, 2010 10:45 AM GMT


    ...and Bill loves Dougs..well, this one anyway. icon_wink.gif

    And this way Bill gets to sleep so he'll be bright eyed and bushy tailed for work tomorrow. Once it's daylight Spencer will crash and sleep a few hours, and so will I!

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    Sep 03, 2010 11:24 AM GMT
    I guess we all have to go through this phase of needing to find a reason outside of ourselves for why we don't have what we want. It's natural and human. I know I went through this phase when I was young.

    I think we just need people to keep reminding us that the real problem is a little more complex then that, and involves taking a look at ourselves.

    Then we wake up one day and realize that we were not ready, or looking in the wrong places, or not understanding what is really important in a relationship, or just having unfair expectations from the people we meet.

    However, until that realization comes upon us it is much easier to look for answers in the things we can't control. Taking comfort in the fact that we are perfect, and it is some external force that has it in for us.

    Hang in there hollist3r. I know it seems tough right now, but anything worth having is worth waiting for. While your waiting, a little introspection is always a good thing; you never know what you might find.

    meninlove said
    bigtallman saidI wonder why people go on about how it's because of how gay men are, don't you know any adult straight women? It's got little to do with being gay except from a % of the population perspective.


    I was about to say the same thing...

    "because in the gay scene, its all about "me" and my "needs"."

    ...really, in the straight scene it's all about 'me' and 'my needs' Just ask a few single straights.

    -Doug (oh god what am I doing up at 3:30am?) icon_lol.gif
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    Sep 03, 2010 11:27 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    hollist3r saidLooks like we all are trying to find that special guy that we can get into and fall in love. If we all are looking why most of us are still single. To me this is a dilemma....icon_biggrin.gif



    ...Because it's like doing a jigsaw puzzle. A lot of guys though, believe that a perfect guy will be a perfect fit for them, but that's not how it works, in my humble experience.

    The perfect fit will not be a perfect man; he'll be your complement. icon_wink.gif


    -Doug




    Thats pretty much what I always thought
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 03, 2010 11:28 AM GMT
    Adjunct: hell be the yin to your yang and the yang to yor yin, he wont be perfect, but be perfect for you, because you will be perfect together etc etc
  • JJ_Atoli

    Posts: 295

    Sep 03, 2010 11:37 AM GMT
    1. Well it could be argued that the theories hypothesizing that men are just naturally not programmed for monogamy could be true - then it would become extremely clear as to why a dating community comprised of only men is a bit wonky.
    2. As most already know - men don't settle quite as often as women do. Sexual attraction and physical beauty play a much larger role in a man's search for a partner than they do for a woman - this idea is backed by more than a few studies that show that straight men and lesbian women (people who do not enter into relationships with men) 1. feel less pressure to keep themselves up and 2. are generally more likely to be overweight than their gay male and straight female counterparts respectively. (True story - read about four articles about it in Psych.)
    3. Factor for community size, dating preferences/partner preferences and societal pressure. I'm not sure where everyone is getting the 10% of the population figure from (as I have never heard this before joining rj) but the estimate I have always heard is that gays and lesbians make up anywhere ranging from 3% to 8% of the population. Either way one can see that as a result the dating pool for gays is fairly small.
    Then as if that doesn't make the pool shallow enough - as I like to say "We all have to find a gay that compliments our own gay". First, not only do you have to find a man that you have something in common with and with whom you are attracted to (which is also an issue in the straight world - before anyone flames me for making that comment) but you also have to find someone that you are sexually compatible with. With there being total tops and total bottoms, versatile tops and versatile bottoms, versatile men who are completely indifferent to which role they play, the men that don't even like anal at all, the men who have very specific fetishes and all the men who haven't quite figured out which classification they fit into (and the men who are completely unwilling to budge on their sexual role/preferences) - it's a jungle out there and this is something that also effects the quality and likelihood of forming a long-term relationship.

    All that put together...in my head...equals a very, very low probability of two gay men actually finding one another and having a relationship extremely low. Perhaps it's the pessimist in me... or the realist.
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    Sep 03, 2010 11:54 AM GMT
    JJ_Atoli said

    All that put together...in my head...equals a very, very low probability of two gay men actually finding one another and having a relationship extremely low. Perhaps it's the pessimist in me... or the realist.


    But.... if you look around, especially at men older than you, they manage to make it happen.

    I think the % thing is (or better or worse) one of the reasons why gay men have traditionally gravitated to larger cities.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 03, 2010 11:58 AM GMT
    It is both the pessimist and realist in you.

    You can use statistics to show that just about anything worth having in life is difficult to achieve: Starting a business, getting in shape, becoming an entertainer, athlete or artist, or even being President.

    For some people things come a lot easier than others, and if you are one of those that is not in the easy lane then you just have to want it more.

    No one is saying that anything in life is easy, but if you choose to use statistics to prevent you from getting what you want, then you will indeed have set yourself up for failing. This is part of looking into yourself to see what is holding you back from being successful.

    However, if you are using the statistics to push you forward, you will realize that relationships require effort on your part. It is pretty simple, if you want it you need to go after it. Maybe you don't want it as bad as you think you do? Not everyone was made to be in a relationship.

    Nothing wrong with being single or having other goals for your life.

    JJ_Atoli said1. Well it could be argued that the theories hypothesizing that men are just naturally not programmed for monogamy could be true - then it would become extremely clear as to why a dating community comprised of only men is a bit wonky.
    2. As most already know - men don't settle quite as often as women do. Sexual attraction and physical beauty play a much larger role in a man's search for a partner than they do for a woman - this idea is backed by more than a few studies that show that straight men and lesbian women (people who do not enter into relationships with men) 1. feel less pressure to keep themselves up and 2. are generally more likely to be overweight than their gay male and straight female counterparts respectively. (True story - read about four articles about it in Psych.)
    3. Factor for community size, dating preferences/partner preferences and societal pressure. I'm not sure where everyone is getting the 10% of the population figure from (as I have never heard this before joining rj) but the estimate I have always heard is that gays and lesbians make up anywhere ranging from 3% to 8% of the population. Either way one can see that as a result the dating pool for gays is fairly small.
    Then as if that doesn't make the pool shallow enough - as I like to say "We all have to find a gay that compliments our own gay". First, not only do you have to find a man that you have something in common with and with whom you are attracted to (which is also an issue in the straight world - before anyone flames me for making that comment) but you also have to find someone that you are sexually compatible with. With there being total tops and total bottoms, versatile tops and versatile bottoms, versatile men who are completely indifferent to which role they play, the men that don't even like anal at all, the men who have very specific fetishes and all the men who haven't quite figured out which classification they fit into (and the men who are completely unwilling to budge on their sexual role/preferences) - it's a jungle out there and this is something that also effects the quality and likelihood of forming a long-term relationship.

    All that put together...in my head...equals a very, very low probability of two gay men actually finding one another and having a relationship extremely low. Perhaps it's the pessimist in me... or the realist.
  • camofchris

    Posts: 73

    Sep 03, 2010 12:00 PM GMT
    hollist3r saidLooks like we all are trying to find that special guy that we can get into and fall in love. If we all are looking why most of us are still single. To me this is a dilemma....icon_biggrin.gif


    Oh, oh. Pick me. Pick me. I know this one!
    Here it is: men are whores.

    Some slightly more than others.

    That said, keep at it. Your equal is out there.

    :-)

    Cam
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    Sep 03, 2010 12:01 PM GMT
    WEll theres one simple reason... we want what we cant have, and we dont wat what we already have

    The grass is always greener..., keeping up with the Joneses, the tales and stories of people finding genies and going through wish upon wish, always wanting more, until finally, they wind up with nothing, are moral tales about how humans always compare what they have, not to those who have less, but to those who have more... we go out and hunt for a commodity, like a partner, or a car, and once we have it, when the initial "high" of having acquired it is over, we go and seek after the next, supposedly better "model"

    Sound familiar to you all? It wil happen everytime

    Even if you are in love with someone (which absolutely CAN last forever, but does not always), you can still get "crushes" on other people..

    "Falling in love" does happen to animals and to humans... it is perfectly natural to pair-bond for life...... many birds remain together for life, not always, but often, and when one partner dies the other may waste away and starve itself to death (sound familiar right?) Even if they change partners, they will stay with one partner as a pair and not have several partners.... Serial pair-bonding

    Even cheetahs have been known to bond (as make-male pairs and when one member disappears, the other member suffers and wails), they have sex with one another (the males), but both will also have sex with other female cheetahs... the behabiour has also been observed in lions

    In short, no species, not even humans, equate SEXUAL monogamy with this kind of life-long "pair-bonding".... sexual monogamy is a human social construct to control reproductive abilities of women (divorce is much more common in matriarchal societies, and practically forbidden in patriarchal ones, religion-wise).... 20% of human births studied have been genetically determined not to be the "supposed" father's offspring, far more than can be determined from the numbers of women admitting to having, what we call, "cheated" , which isnt really cheating, but is a natural deviation of a socially constructed norm which we ourselves have instated and is not natural
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    Sep 03, 2010 12:07 PM GMT
    lol, amar, flying isn't natural either, but many of us have done it. icon_wink.gif

    *sticks out tongue and runs away*

    -Doug