When the "Perfect" Guy Vanishes...What? Why?

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    Jun 07, 2007 7:15 AM GMT
    This will be in two parts...kinda long, sorry.

    For the past two years, I have contemplated
    and ulitmately decided to move to New York
    City. I will be moving in March 2008.
    I plan to pursue modeling along with a number
    of other dreams I want to make a reality.
    I planned to make my first visit in April
    2007.

    A while ago, I met a guy online that immediately got my attention. We spoke
    for hours at a time on a daily basis. I
    confided in him and told him so much about
    me, as did he. He agreed that he would let
    me stay in his house in Upstate NY while I
    was there.

    After much planning, I arrived in NYC. Due
    to living in Dallas, I did experience some
    culture shock, but I loved it. The city is
    amazing, and definately for me. He picked me up from the airport (after a 2 hour drive from Upstate) and drove me around the majority of the city. He brought along his best friend as well. We saw many places, most notably, Times Square. It was a great experience.

    Towards the end of the night, we drove back
    Upstate and had dinner with his best friend
    and her partner. We had a great time. He
    paid for dinner, which was a first for me (as
    I'm usually the one who pays).We later dropped them off and headed to his house. I was very tired and quiet, which certainly isn't me. I fell asleep in his bed and waited
    for him to return after taking care of some business. We had sex that night.

    The next day, I awoke and he was moving as usual
    (as he never sleeps). He had made some
    appointments for us (me really) to view some
    upstate apartments so I could get a good sense of how apartments are in New York. We went to a number of places and had a lot of fun along the way. Later, we went back to his house for lunch and then he asked me to pack my bags because he had a surpise for me (yet again).
    He started to drive for a while and then I noticed mountains in the distance (Catskill), which I've never seen before.

    It then started to snow, which is something I have rarely seen as well. I then realized that he was taking me to a spa resort. I was elated. We got our key and went to our room, which was a two story lodge. We could see snow and the mountains out of each window, which made my heart beat due to how incredibly shocked I was. He said he did this for
    me. No guy had ever made me feel so special before. I had begin to have feelings I've never felt.

    continued in first/second post...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 07, 2007 7:18 AM GMT
    Anyway, he had scheduled us to have facials, massages, etc. It was so great (and a first for me). We then prepared for dinner, which was top of the line and very romantic. We had great wine, food and conversation. We went back to our room after a great day for some more
    wine. We had sex that night too. The next day, we left the spa and went back to his house.

    It was Easter and he had already planned for me to meet his whole family for Easter dinner (which made me uncomfortable, but I did it for him). His family is very warm and friendly. His parents, grandmother and family all took me in in such a nice way. We sat and had
    wine as the food was prepared. We then had dinner and later relaxed. His parents spent the night dancing to Merengue and Salsa (drunk lol) and he even joined in as well, which
    was so funny.

    It was very hard for me to be around this because I really don't have a family. At one point, I had to go outside because I becamed overwhelmed with sadness because of how this
    is all foreign to me. That night, we went back home and went to bed. This was my last night with him and we had sex again. We kinda got
    up late and I missed my flight. I eventually got lucky and was able to get home that next day. I remember hugging him tight knowing I didn't want to leave or let him go.

    Yes, I did act somewhat unusual when I was there. At times I was very quiet, which mainly in part was due to how nicely I was treated. He respected me and treated me so well, which
    was all new to me. To have someone cater to my every need
    was completely different. He never once sat and complimented
    me solely on my looks, which is what I'm use to and hate. He really respected me.
    After a few days went by, our conversations became most infrequent. He started to say he felt like I wasn't the person he thought I was when he met me, referring to how "shy" I appeared to be, which I'm actually not.

    He said that I could prove myself when I came up there to move. I originally was going to move in June 2007 but that
    fell through. So anyhow, he increasingly got more distant. At this point, it's as if he vanished. I call him but he never calls me. I even offered to fly him here for my birthday this month, but he said he had to fly to other cities for work and such. He even said, "Maybe you can fly me there in July or August and we can celebrate it then." That really hurt my feelings.

    I don't know what happened. I don't know what I did wrong. Was I played? Did he wine and dine me just for sex? He said the sex was great and I'm great, but he doesn't even
    take the time to call me to say hello or see if I'm alive. We had a serious conversation and he then said he didn't think
    he was ready for a relationship or anything like that.

    After eeting him, I felt that too.
    I just want to know what you guys think? Why did he do this? Why would he do all of this grand shit and disappear like I never existed? I don't get it.

    ~sP
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Jun 07, 2007 9:05 AM GMT
    Hi sP

    That's a really sad story, and I really feel for you.

    However, it's probably happened to more guys than you realise and it seems to have more to do with his inability to commit than anything you actually did and who you actually are.

    Things like this just happen. You have a great time getting to know someone online or by phone and then when you meet them you don't feel that connection. It's often no one's fault, just one of those things. I'm sure it has happened to you sP, you got your hopes up over and guy and he turns out not what you expect.

    I'm afraid you've learnt one of life's big truths. Men are cowards. A lot of them will just break off contact rather than communicate, as it is easier for them (not all men are like this, a lot are though). Unfortunately this guy sounds like he changed his mind when confronted with actual commitment. And ultimately its best you find out now beofre you get too involved.

    You probably do anyway. But try not to take this too personally. I've read a few of your other posts and you are a great guy who will meet the right person when you're ready. Chalk this up to one of life's experiences, you had a great weekend out of it. Move on. There are plenty of other fish in the sea and you're hot enough to land many more (haha..I'm not hitting on you here I'm trying to get you back into a positive state of mind).

    I look forward to reading your great posts in the future.

    Loz
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    Jun 07, 2007 9:53 AM GMT
    It's just that he makes me feel like it's MY fault he spent so much money on me. I didn't ask him to do ANY of those things. They were all surprises.

    I wanted to see him yes, but not have him completely do everything for me like I'm a baby.

    I'm just sitting here like, why did he sleep with me every nite if he didn't like me? Why did he spend 100's of dollars on me? Why would he introduce me to his family?!?

    This guy really has affected my psyche. All other guys I moved on and got over. I can't seem to shake what he did to me.

    I want to know the truth but he won't talk to me. He claims he's so blunt, but he hasn't been with this entire situation. I just don't understand.

    Did he just wine and dine me for sex or something? It's not like he's ugly and has to give me things to get something out of it. He's gorgeous and he gets lots of attention (which was clear when we were walking the streets together). I've tried to look at it from every angle. He's only 26 and I'm 23, so he can't pull the "age" card. He really hurt me.

    ~sP
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Jun 07, 2007 10:05 AM GMT
    Some guys just have that ability to get under our skins. It's funny it's not always the best looking, most successful or most intelligent either. This guy seems to have hit a cord with you.

    It seems strange to me, as it did you, that he spent money on you and that made you think there was a futre there and he had feelings for you. I don't have an answer for this. Except he must've thought you were worth it.

    It won't mean much to you, but I'll say it again. This is not personal. He is the one who can't commit. He has probably done this to others and will do it again.

    In the end you will be the happy one who finds the right guy. He'll be the jerk who let you fall through his fingers.

    You're griefing a relationship, which is good, as it shows you've got a big heart and you're not a cynical bitter little queen. Nothing i can say will make this easier for you, it's a process that's all. You'll get over this.

    You are fabulous. Don't let this guy upset the self-belief you know is true. You have probably turned down more guys than I have had hot dinners (and believe me I've had loads of those...haha).

    Now get out there and get flirting.

    Loz

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    Jun 07, 2007 11:32 AM GMT
    I even offered to fly him here for my birthday this month

    Sounds like he saw a ME ME ME guy.

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    Jun 07, 2007 12:07 PM GMT
    A ME ME ME GUY? How am I that? The trip was initially for ME because I had never been there before. He offered to let me stay at his house but everything else that happened was his decision.

    I offered to fly him here for my birthday because I wanted to see him again. It's MY birthday and I'm offering to PAY for him to come. How is that a "me" issue?

    I think of him and he certainly doesn't think of me. I'm not thinking about myself at all in this matter. I want him, and he won't let me in.

    He told me how his life is busy busy busy and guys come and go in his life b/c he never has time for people. I offered to accept that b/c that's just a part of who he is. I guess that wasn't enough. I wish he'd just be straight up w/ me and not give me bs.

    ~sP
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 07, 2007 12:39 PM GMT
    Puto, your young. He sounds like the type of guy that's done this before. This whole episode,like I told you in one of your earlier post will help you figure out what type of men you like and don't like, what you want and don't out of a relationship with a man. For gods sake don't move anywhere near this guy when you move to NYC. He could be the type of guy that gets off on showing you a little slice of his world then snatching it away. It sounds like you had a great time and did some fantastic thing and had some great sex to boot! It's like when you hookup with a really great guy, the sex is off the hook, he stays after to talk you might go out to eat afterwards, he says he will call the next and you never hear from him again. Some men just get what they want and bounce. You might not ever find out why he's acting this way. Just relax, if you hear from him again fine, if you don't you have some good times to look back on and put in the mental rolodex of life and chalk it up to life experiance.
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    Jun 07, 2007 1:44 PM GMT
    Ugh, sorry you had that experience Puto. There is little as awful-feeling as being romantically seduced by someone and then dumped. Unfortunately, it's a game that a lot of men play -- sucking someone in rapidly and then discarding them. Because the pleasure is so intense and quick, the rapid discarding hurts in prorportion.

    I often suggest to clients who have this experience -- and most people have it at least once -- that they question what's going on when they feel overwhelmingly attracted to someone. Often, a "neurotic" part of us is being triggered.

    I know it sounds cynical but I learned years ago that if I felt an overwhelming, immediate attraction to someone, that it was best to turn and run, run as far and as fast as I could.

    If you have a therapist, I would talk to him/her about it. Often, the experience reiterates a dynamic from childhood where a parent may have alternated love with abuse.





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    Jun 07, 2007 2:24 PM GMT
    Why did your plan to move to NY "fall through" and now the plan to move is a year later? Do you have any skills or job direction on how to support yourself there other than planning on trying modeling? What if that doesn't work out?

    You go there, he shows you a wonderful time, introduces you to his parents, shows you apartments and then you don't move.

    You go on and on about the trip but only one sentence about not moving, "it fell through." Nothing specific but you sound a little flighty to me. How wonderful it all was then you don't show up. He opened up his home, his family his time to you and you don't move. I'd wonder about you myself. Now you are thinking about moving NEXT year. How long is this poor guy suppost to hold on till you get your life together?

    Move or don't move. Give him an answer and stick with it. Fly him to Texas for your birthday? Are you trying to establish a safety net in NY BEFORE you move? Are you really wanting a long distance relationship?

    If I were this guy I'd feel USED.
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    Jun 07, 2007 3:27 PM GMT
    I feel for you SP I really do and that sort of thing has happened to me too. But I have to agree with TuzaHu on this one. I have to put myself in the other guys position and I think I would feel used too. Dont hate me for that opinion man...its just an opinion.
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    Jun 07, 2007 3:56 PM GMT
    I think it is normal to feel how you are feeling, considering how he's changed since you left New York. Unfortunately, you have no control over the way he chooses to act. The only person you can control is yourself.

    He showed you a really nice time while you were there. He didn't expect you to pay him back in any way and it could have been worse. Upon your arrival in New York, he could have totally flaked out and not even met you at the airport or he could have been a psycho.

    Sounds like your feelings grew very strong for him because he treated you so well while you were there. (something you say you're not use to) But if you think about it, how can you care for someone so deeply, since you don't hardly know this person? There's nothing wrong with appreciating everything he did for you while you were in New York, maybe even send him a nice thank you note. At best, I would maybe keep him as a friend.

    Him flaking out after you left is his problem, not yours. You did nothing wrong. It could be as others here have said. He could be someone who can't commit or maybe he just changed his mind. Whatever the reason, you should try and focus more on your move to NYC, getting settled and your new goals.

    I know it maybe difficult, but focus on what you need to do with regards to your move and consider your experience with him a fun time.

    From reading other posts you've made on this site, you seem like a very kind and smart person. Your move to New York will be very exciting and I bet will open many doors for you. Good luck with your new adventure.
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    Jun 07, 2007 6:53 PM GMT
    Okay, so I'll be the sole cynic here (well, one of the few anyway) and say...

    Don't bother trying to stretch something out to forever! Permeance is but an illusion and we fool ourselves into thinking we can hold on to things, to people, forever. This line of thinking is totally against the natural world, as (random/chaotic) change is the only constant. That said, you should feel great about the brief and wonderful time you had together. It's those moments and/or days where we do something that makes us feel completely engaged in life that we look back on later and remember fondly. I believe you've said before you're anxious to fall in love? Perhaps if you stop looking for a love which lasts for all time you'll find it.

    I happen to believe people can fall in and out of love all the time, if they're open to it. Of course, some love affairs last a lifetime, and others don't. The point is, however, to experience it and SAVOR IT! Lastly...

    Were you and this guy in the same class? Not to insult you, but maybe that had something to do with it? (We're not as "classless" in the US as we like to imagine after all.)
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    Jun 07, 2007 8:05 PM GMT
    Don't know why, but I think part of it is that getting to know someone online and then meeting them in person are two different things. Obviously he had planned this weekend very carefully, and I don't think he would have introduced you to his parents if he intended to just brush you off -- at least that isn't one of the usual tactics for that game. He probably had expectations and maybe even fantasies from the conversations/chats that for whatever reason you weren't. I think if anything it shows the limitations of thinking you know someone without actually meeting them in person. While sometimes that can be the fulfillment of the prior dialogue other times it can fall flat. It is probably better even after an extensive online/telephone conversation to go slow when actually meeting someone and maybe set some boundaries. Sorry you had to go through that though.
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    Jun 07, 2007 9:19 PM GMT
    Ok, let me address as much as I can:

    Ok, I'm not a flake lol. I planned for this move as best as I could with all considering.

    I prepared for a job transfer, but it took far too long. If I had to stay, I didn't want to get another apartment here because my lease was ending. I ulitmately renewed my lease for a shorter period of time so I could leave in the Spring.

    I also had to deal with pressure from my father, who is totally against the move due to not thinking modeling is a real job, and I'd be so far from him, which is the real problem he has with it.

    I am 23 but I'm not a moron. I have my own job, car, apartment, etc. I pay all of my own bills and my tuition MYSELF. I was raised a spoiled rich kid but now I'm starting to learn how to do things for myself and not rely on my father, so I have my shit together.

    I've always been use to nice things. However, I'm not use to a guy showing me respect and trying to show me a great time like this guy did, which is why I was totally stunned. Not that I was in a catatonic state, but at times, I found myself speechless and somewhat nonresponsive.

    However, I KNOW this guy liks me! That's the crazy thing about this whole thing. I wanted to be in his life as well as have him in mine.
    I NEVER asked for the things he gave me. He planned everything well in advance without me knowing.

    I would have been fine with just being in his house talking. We didn't HAVE to go to the Catskills or anything of the sort. No matter how bad I feel, I can't stop thinking about him.

    He gave me so much that's priceless. To give me a mere glimpse of what love could feel like was worth it all. He's this great guy that is consumed by chaos from those who surround him. He's always on the move and reminds me of somewhat with ADHD. I always worry about him.

    Just from being in his presence, he helped restore my relationship with my best friend for over 15 years. Our relationship has never been better. He's given me hope (in regard to having a guy love me), passion, and excitement. From just meeting him, I wrote many poems, songs and began to paint and draw on some blank canvases I've had for years. He's been somewhat of a muse.

    I can't let him walk from me like this. It's almost as if he's this angel that came into my life and left when the job was done, but I don't want him to leave just yet.

    ~sP
  • imaxim

    Posts: 94

    Jun 07, 2007 9:19 PM GMT
    I think there are a few different factors at work here. I can see where either of you might have an issue with the other, honestly... it doesn't seem like a "he did this to me" situation so much as a very unfortunate disconnect.

    On his side, as has already been said, there is the matter of how long he's supposed to look forward to the relationship actually happening. For myself, I've learned that a lot of guys are proportionately more forward with online romance/flirting depending on how much distance is in the way. (I'm HUGE in Florida) Maybe that wasn't your safety net, but I couldn't really blame him for using the time it took you to relocate as a barometer for how serious you really were. The kind of outpouring you received when you visited him shows a very high level of anticipation on his part that can only be sustained for so long.

    On your side, I can identify with your being shy in person and needing more time to catch up to his level of openness. Guys often misread this as a lack of chemistry... few really seem to understand that sometimes it takes time and circumstances to get the right person to really open up. This is why I generally avoid guys who say they are looking for something serious--that's a lot of pressure to put on a first meeting, and it's no fun to be "discarded" when you are still trying to get past the initial fumblings of what each person is looking for, what to say and not to say, etc. I really identify with what you went through there, and I agree that it's cruel (though unintentionally so).

    Finally, I think he actually was pretty blunt about the situation, even though the answers may be difficult to hear. He explained his expectations up front (that the long-distance would end), and the part of the relationship itself that wasn't working for him in person (he felt that you were reserved/shy and in his mind, that may have translated to your communication chemistry online not transitioning to in-person). That is, quite frankly, a lot more honesty than I've typically seen guys exhibit, especially at that age. More common is just not answering or calling back. If your conversations since have been painted with feelings of hurt, that probably made the communication issue seem worse.

    My guess would be that from the time of your trip to NY onward, there's been a window there where he was or has been open to see if there is more potential (otherwise he would have cut things off more immediately). He likely felt he had made all of the effort that can reasonably be expected and it was up to you to respond from that point (by following through with the relocation and showing the same openness he did). Whether or not that's a reasonable expectation is another matter, but you asked why, and that's my theory.
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    Jun 07, 2007 9:31 PM GMT
    Why would I relocate with no job secured? I waited for quite a while to get them to transfer me, and when they said I got approved, it was in late May, which was far too late. I live in DALLAS. Moving to NYC is not a simple move.

    There were 1000's of dollars involved, along with my apartment, car, etc. This was the best decision. Even HE said it sounded like a good idea to stay considering the short time-frame I had when I finally found out.

    And he has NOT been blunt at all with me in this situation. He went back and forth. One minute he felt like he put himself waaay out there, and on the other end he'd say "I felt so close to you". He even said "I don't want you to leave" when we were in his bed the morning we had to get to the airport.

    I just don't know. If the money he spent was the problem, I'd fly to NYC and give him 500 in cash (est. of how much he spent on me) to prove I don't care about the money. I just want him, that's it.

    He sometimes sends me winks and blush faces on yahoo making me feel retarded because it's all mixed messages. Then he says "Brian, I dont think I can handle being in a relationship right now because my life is so crazy right now". But he's the one that initially said, I WANT A RELATIONSHIP! LOL. I was ready for one, as I've been for a while now, waiting for it to come to me rather than looking for it as EVERYONE says. When I do that, this happens.

    It just pisses me off b/c I know he's talking to some silly ass 20 year olds right now. They can't give shit to him but dick and/or ass. They can't do a damn thing I can. I don't understand why he's acting so childish right now. Especially ignoring my calls. I didn't do ANYTHING to deserve that. It's wrong.

    ~sP
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11648

    Jun 07, 2007 10:45 PM GMT
    Sorry you had to go thru this but did you expect a different outcome?
    Did you really know this guy?
    You said you met him online and you spoke for hours...that's not knowing him
    Online meetings have all the feel of actually meeting someone without it actually happening
    You can get much more easily seduced
    and your expectations get raised
    sure this guy poured it on in the beginning
    and then lost interest...for whatever reason
    because you really only met him that one time
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    Jun 07, 2007 10:49 PM GMT
    A friend of mine says that expectations are premeditated anger.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jun 07, 2007 11:12 PM GMT
    Puto, I hate to keep saying this, but this too shall pass. You will meet so many other guys as time passes. I know right now this seems so all consuming and you just don't understand why he's being this way, it's life, and what's happing to you right now will make you a stronger man. I fell in love hard when I was 30, I thought I would be with him forever, it lasted about 6yrs, it took two years to get over him. Focus on yourself right now. If your meant to be with this guy, you will be. I know you think you have some things figured out, but trust me, your just getting started on your journey. Your attitudes and views about everything will change so much by the time your 30, you won't recognize the person you are right now.
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    Jun 07, 2007 11:42 PM GMT
    Funny thing is I just called him and he didn't answer. But, he called me back and left a voicemail. All I can hear is "Hi Brian". The rest is all static. Perfect huh? LOL.

    ~sP
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    Jun 08, 2007 3:26 AM GMT
    ...it was all too much, too soon. The nice things that he did often take weeks/months to develop and occur when you meet someone conventionally in the day-to-day course of life.

    Facials, taking you home for Easter dinner? Those are very romantic things, or, at least things that develop between friends over time...not the first time you meet. And that was the first time you met...despite the online conversations.

    The other posters seem to lay blame on him (as not being courageous enough to let you down personally) or you (in demanding too much or accepting too much, if you disagree with the word "demanding"). I disagree.

    I just think that it was too much, too fast, no matter who was offering or who was accepting.
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    Jun 08, 2007 4:48 AM GMT
    My hurts.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jun 08, 2007 6:25 AM GMT
    Puto- this sounds alot like a combo of the movie "while you were sleeping" and "serendipidy". Those were movies not real life. Those people were from different worlds and they probably would not end up together. A wise man once said a fast flame burns quickly. Time heals all wounds, sounds shitty but sometimes true- it's not like anyone died in this situation. Remember that. Also remember you were ok before you met him-you hardly knew him, and you will be ok without him. Quote from 16 candles- the Dad told his daughter "that is why they call em crushes if they didn't hurtso much they would call them something else". Sorry that you feel so consumed by it all. Be well- peace!!
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    Jun 08, 2007 6:33 AM GMT
    If the perfect guy vanishes, he was never really there.