HOW LONG IS TOO LONG...OF DOING SOMETHING WRONG? aka double life!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2008 7:52 AM GMT
    I think i am gay and dating a chick who is very interested in me for some odd reason... I do this to pertect myself but is it wrong that i use her as a shield to hide the fact that i think im gay?
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    Feb 25, 2008 12:15 PM GMT
    VERY wrong.

    Especially since you KNOW you are using her.

    Some guys here actually liked girls before, hence why they married or had girlfriends and stuff. But for you... you know you're gay already.

    Either come out to her or stop seeing her. It's not fair to her. She's basically wasting her time on you when she could have had others.

    I've been in this situation before, but I never encouraged it. I avoided her and made it clear (though still not coming out) that I had no interest in reciprocating her feelings.

    She'll only be madder at you if you use her then come out later.

    Remember.. hell hath no fury like a woman scorned... except maybe a woman used by a gay man. hehe

    EDIT: I have never had a girlfriend. I couldn't care less if rumors start about it, so much the better if they're prepared for what I am. I've had opportunities, sure, but no, It's just wrong.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 25, 2008 12:59 PM GMT
    I decided to edit my response here after considering the situation a bit.

    I realize that Midland is 18 years old, but really needs to understand that what he is doing is not only wrong, but hurts both the girl and Midland in the long run.

    Most married gay men (to women) might have started things in this way because it was expected and accepted. Later lives might end up being shattered, distrust and distain. Those days are largely over or ending.. there are other options in life.

    To Midland, think about what you are doing in your life, be honest with yourself in how you want to conduct yourself and your life as you go forward and
    most of all, think about this girl. I'm not going to tell you to broadcast you are gay (if your not ready), but at least be clear with this girl that you don't want to be romantically involved.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2008 1:02 PM GMT
    It is wrong. When I was with my first (and last) girlfriend, I knew that I wasnt 100% into her. I wasnt being honest with her or myself. I thought that I could be with her and hide my homosexuality. In the end I just hurt her. She doesnt know Im gay (i dont think) but I know I was wrong. I led her on and used her.
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    Feb 25, 2008 1:24 PM GMT
    Stuff like this is why we have to educate the culture in general about what it means to be LGBT. That way through greater understanding and acceptance, we can avoid situations like this, which only leads to often unsuspecting people getting hurt.

    (And I say that knowing that lots of women in relationships with secretly gay men KNOW those men are gay.)
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Feb 25, 2008 1:26 PM GMT
    The future ENNIS AND ALMA or JACK AND LAUREEN, may you find happiness in this BrokeBack Marriage.
  • ShawnTX

    Posts: 2484

    Feb 25, 2008 1:51 PM GMT
    How long is too long? Well, when it involves using someone as 'cover', a day, an hour. It's just wrong, you're playing with her life and don't even care. It's probably the most selfish thing you can do.

    I don't know how concerned you really are about keeping your cover and staying in the closet. You have face pics in your profile and a link to your Facebook profile. If you were really all that concerned about protecting yourself, you're going about it poorly. Someone's going to out you, making your sad attempt at looking straight useless, hurting this girl through the process.

    Grow up and get a pair.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2008 1:59 PM GMT
    Go easy on him ShawnTO. He is young. And yes he is wrong but still go easy on him.
  • ShawnTX

    Posts: 2484

    Feb 25, 2008 2:04 PM GMT
    Actually, that was my nice response.

    Yeah, he's young, but old enough to know that playing with peoples lives and emotions is wrong.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2008 3:28 PM GMT
    It is wrong, but at 18 some people dont realize that yet. I did it at the age of 25. Mainly because i just wanted to fake being straight because I didnt want to deal with the world (my family) knowing I was gay. I was an attempt to make myself straight. I wanted to love her like she loved me but I didnt. It ended and I was relieved. After that I told myself I would never play with anyones emotions in that way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2008 3:39 PM GMT
    gymguy1 saidIt is wrong, but at 18 some people dont realize that yet. I did it at the age of 25. Mainly because i just wanted to fake being straight because I didnt want to deal with the world (my family) knowing I was gay. I was an attempt to make myself straight. I wanted to love her like she loved me but I didnt. It ended and I was relieved. After that I told myself I would never play with anyones emotions in that way.


    oh, Midland knows it is wrong. He may be 18, but he says it is wrong in the thread title. He wants us to verify that it is wrong in the question. He knows it is wrong. It is wrong.

    Midland, knock it off.
  • ShawnTX

    Posts: 2484

    Feb 25, 2008 3:41 PM GMT
    The 'young' excuse is weak. At 18 you're old enough to drive and vote. If you can mentally handle that responsibility you should know damn well that what you're doing to her is wrong. You can't tell me that there is an 18 year old out there that doesn't know deep down it's wrong.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2008 3:42 PM GMT
    Midland, it's wrong, period!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2008 3:45 PM GMT
    a1972guy saidMidland, it's wrong, period!


    Ditto!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2008 5:44 PM GMT
    i was just saying i understood where he was coming from.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2008 5:50 PM GMT
    A little over one year ago, I was in the same situation that Midland is in. I didn't have a girlfriend to "protect" myself, I loved her very much. The problem was, I wasn't in love with her. I started cheating on her with a gay friend of mine and eventually, I had to tell her that I was gay and I couldn't lie to her anymore. She never spoke to me again.

    Messing with people's lives and emotions is a very tricky and wrong thing to do. I learned this lesson the hard way. I lost my best friend and I will always regret how much I hurt her. I only tell you this so that you can maybe learn from my mistake. Be honest. Be genuine. Be you.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Feb 25, 2008 6:41 PM GMT

    ...somehow I think you can answer this question yourself...and probably already have...

    ...turn the tables around and put yourself in her shoes...would you want someone to be doing this to you?

    - David
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Feb 25, 2008 6:42 PM GMT
    It's not really fair to her, is it? How would you feel if it was the other way around? You'd probably feel pretty damn betrayed. And you'd probably wonder what sorts of things she's exposed you too. It's one thing not to be openly gay, but bringing in other people to help you "cover" is pretty chicken shit. If you don't want people to know your business, tell them it's none of their business. If they want to think you're gay just because you don't date girls, what do you care? Let them think what they want. There are a lot of single guys out there. Just tell people you haven't found the right one yet.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2008 7:31 PM GMT
    I agree that it needs to stop.

    I think you just need to stop and put yourself in this girl's shoes. How would you want to be treated by someone you are close with? Friends with? Dating?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2008 7:52 PM GMT
    Dude, what the fuck? Are you some kind of asshole? Why are you fostering a dishonest relationship? Don't you have any regard for the feelings of the girl you are dating? Quit being so fucking self-centered, I,I,I, me, me, me and tell the girl you're gay and that if she's o.k. with that, cool, and if not, you shouldn't be dating. Don't be a jerk!

    I love this shit: "I am currently gay." Golly, is it like the flu? Or an allergy?

    Stop with this shit, and get some integrity going.

    Right now, you're nothing but a lying sack of shit. Is that the kind of man you want to be?
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    Feb 25, 2008 7:59 PM GMT
    He's talking about using a female here....it's not like he's using the perfection of god's creation, a male...

    oh, all right....It's wrong. Stop it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2008 8:01 PM GMT
    When doing something wrong, any length of time is too long. Read this article, I married a gay man., and decide if you want to become a Larry Craig.
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    Feb 25, 2008 8:11 PM GMT
    You know the answer deep down in your heart. I will be less blunt then ChuckyStud, but yes it is wrong even for one minute.

    I never once dated a girl/woman or even hinted that I was interested in dating a girl/woman. I never wanted to give people the wrong impression. I simply did not have a personal life until I was 25. icon_sad.gif

    I then blew the closet doors off!

    BTW you said you are currently gay? What the heck does that mean? I assume you meant you are gay.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2008 8:17 PM GMT
    The "I Married A Gay Man" was a great article. I read it a few days ago over on MSN. It exemplifies the hurt that dishonest folks cause in the lives of loving and caring honest people. That's why when someone says discreet, not out, married, curious, that I run. I'm not getting involved with anyone like that.
  • drakutis

    Posts: 586

    Feb 25, 2008 8:23 PM GMT
    Come on dude, get real and face your life head on. Don't hide behind someone else's emotional ties to you. That's going to get very messy, very soon. Then you'll be asking "how did this happen?"