How to help

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 05, 2010 5:14 PM GMT
    What would you say/do to help someone who just can't get over the hump of letting go of an ex? They have been separated since May and the one is just so emotionally unstable still. It has made him insecure and leaves him black. Time does heal all wounds, but the longer he takes the more he is going to lose.

    How many times can I say "you are worth it"?

    I am not being unsympathetic. I have been there, almost all of us has, but I am just wondering what I can do to help more. It's a cold realization that the answer may just be...nothing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 05, 2010 6:51 PM GMT
    Pinny saidWhat would you say/do to help someone who just can't get over the hump of letting go of an ex? They have been separated since May and the one is just so emotionally unstable still. It has made him insecure and leaves him black. Time does heal all wounds, but the longer he takes the more he is going to lose.

    How many times can I say "you are worth it"?

    I am not being unsympathetic. I have been there, almost all of us has, but I am just wondering what I can do to help more. It's a cold realization that the answer may just be...nothing.


    unfortunately there is nothing a friend can do to help get over an X, it takes time...lots of time, and realization. If he has to lose everything to realize that then so be it. at the end of it all he'll/she'll come out a stronger person
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Sep 05, 2010 7:16 PM GMT
    First...This guy is lucky to have a concerned friend like yourself in his life.....In the past I used to dwell on relationships....I got angry...sad ...depressed....until I came to this realization.....for me to get over someone..I had to release my thoughts of the past...tell him to do this exercise....Whenever he thinks of this guy....make a fist......tighten it...then release it....He's releasing any hold his guy has on him....he needs to say to himself...I release my ex.....I'm open to my options....BUD
  • HankFit247

    Posts: 205

    Sep 05, 2010 7:18 PM GMT
    I agree with what waxon said.

    Once he's lost it all, he'll be forced to re-evaluate his priorities, and rebuild his life. It's painful to watch, but he'll be a stronger person for having gone through it.
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    Sep 05, 2010 8:14 PM GMT
    Yup it is something you have to go through, the one thing that helps is to make sure he doesnt entertain any hopes, that is what really allowed me to enter the grief process
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 05, 2010 8:14 PM GMT
    Yup it is something you have to go through, the one thing that helps is to make sure he doesnt entertain any hopes, that is what really allowed me to enter the grief process
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    Sep 06, 2010 1:49 PM GMT
    I've been through that (11 months after the relationship ended) and one thing I realized and asked myself was why I was continuing to love someone who doesn't love me back. There was a time before I met him and it wasn't the end of the world and I'm still kicking it despite not being with him, there's a need to move on.
    Maybe he needs to see that there's more aspects that are in his life right now that need his attention and it didn't work for a reason.
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    Sep 06, 2010 3:10 PM GMT

    Ask him to look in the mirror and say, "My ex controls my future and my happiness, even though he doesn't love me." Then ask him how he feels about that and if he believes it, and if he wants that.
    If he says yes, ask him what advice he'd give his little brother or sister if he or she said that to him.

    I think he'll say no. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 06, 2010 3:39 PM GMT

    Without knowing the particulars it is hard to say how long he will go on being consumed by thoughts of his Ex. He sounds like he is playing the same tape over and over in his head and until he decides to change it he will continue to do what he is doing.

    If you can continue to listen without getting frustrated then do. There is no formula on how to get over a loss or how to help or be a friend. If he is a friend then do just continue to do the meninlove thing and be caring.

    Just don't get caught up in his tape or get frustrated. Developing and dealing with your emotional side can be a bumpy experience and at times painful. Hopefully something you will say or do or he just gets tired of playing that tape will help him move on!

    Nice that you are a friend!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 06, 2010 3:47 PM GMT
    Roccoe said, "Nice that you are a friend!"

    I know, right? Isn't Pinny great?

    admiring -Doug


  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Sep 06, 2010 4:07 PM GMT
    You're concerned b/c you like him hu?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 06, 2010 7:10 PM GMT
    The only thing you can do is let him know you care, and be a shoulder for him to cry on if he wants it.
    Other than that, he needs to go through the grieving process in order to become stronger.
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    Sep 27, 2010 3:45 AM GMT
    Space_Cowboy_89 saidYou're concerned b/c you like him hu?

    I like him as an individual but as a friend I can see his life going no where while he keeps the act up.