Is he too scared?

  • trl_

    Posts: 994

    Sep 06, 2010 7:15 PM GMT
    I'm just looking for a second opinion here

    Here's my story:
    I started talking to this kid online who messaged me. We got along well and he eventually gave me his number. I asked him out and he said yes. We had a great time and after that he was inviting me to all these parties. We lived in different cities so I only got the chance to make it to one where he was introducing me to all his friends and really happy I was there.

    I'm leaving the country for four months soon and I sat him down in August to talk about it and know what he wanted from me and he seemed really emotional about it, almost crying. He was sort of distanced after that talk and I asked him what's going on because I feel like we're just friends where one likes the other (since I didn't know if he liked me).

    He said he did like me but just wanted to be good friends since he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone so far away who he doesn't know that well yet and that he's starting college and doesn't want to be tied down. I agreed and we decided to be 'good friends' (as he put it).
    Afterward he was talking to me less.
    We were supposed to meet up last week and I got to his dorm and he said he wasn't there and that he forgot we were hanging out. He apologized and said he was really sorry, but it still hurt my feelings.

    After that he doesn't talk to me at all and I leave in seven days.

    ...Have I done something wrong, or is he just putting up distance to protect himself?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2010 8:48 PM GMT
    I'm not sure actually. But you typed "is he too scared" in the title field, so what is it you think he's scared of?

    Sounds like potentially more going on than the classic "not wanting to be tied down", but maybe he's not (yet) at ease enough to tell you what the actual issue is. If there's crying involved it must be somewhat serious at least I reckon.
  • trl_

    Posts: 994

    Sep 06, 2010 8:52 PM GMT
    I think he's scared of life in general because he's going into college young and a lot is changing at once. Me leaving is/was just another layer of that I seemed to add for him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2010 8:57 PM GMT
    Sounds like your typical young adult male. Don't take it to heart, just learn from this as how not to act towards others.

    We all do things we are not sure of, he seems flakey at best, a total jerk at worst, life experience will make him better at these kinds of things.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 06, 2010 11:23 PM GMT
    Long distance relationships very rarely are successful. Your acquaintance is doing you a favor in toning things down.

    It sounds like he has a mature understanding of what it takes to have a plan for success. He understands that, given all the variables in play, you're both better off not trying to make a distant relationship work. He is wise beyond his years, and, for that, you should be grateful.

    With nearly 7 billion folks in The World, folks will come and go in your life, throughout your life. Your acquaintance is doing you a HUGE favor by doing what's almost certainly a better plan, and is showing maturity and judgment well beyond his years.

    As you become more mature, you'll come to understand this bump in the road considerably better. For today, understand, it's not about you, but, about doing what's likely the best plan for the both of you in the long term.

    You'd do well to remember the good, and the fun, and expand your horizons, and not dwell on this. You'd show a HUGE amount of class by not trying to guilt your buddy or accuse him of being scared and so on. It's not about you, but, rather, about doing what's best for now. If there's something there, it may resurface when you return. Don't push stuff just because you're needy and selfish. Keep your options open. If there was meant to be a relationship, you can pick it up later. Don't handle this like a 12 year old. Stand up, put your boots on, pull up your bootstraps, and march ahead, and stop with the pouting. The past is done; it's over with. Look ahead. There will be many more good times. It's absolutely crazy to get involved in a bunch of drama at the each of 21. Stop it sooner, rather than later.
  • Leo123

    Posts: 126

    Sep 06, 2010 11:28 PM GMT
    He's putting up distance to protect himself. ...and he's doing the right thing I think.

    Move on, both of you.

    When you go back to the US, drop him a message.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 07, 2010 3:26 AM GMT
    Sounds like you did all the right things my man
    and Yes he is trying to protect himself

    You need to realize that 4 months is a long time when you're just starting a relationship
    what you can do is call him and say that you really enjoyed being with him and when you get back you'd like to contact him again and see maybe you two can pick up where you left off

    and keep it with no expectations
  • trl_

    Posts: 994

    Sep 08, 2010 2:15 AM GMT
    I told him I felt like an idiot that he forgot we were meeting....and now I feel bad for that.

    I'm planning to send him a message somehow in a week or two and just let him know that I realize now that he could've been protecting himself or just letting me down softly, both of which I respect and understand and that I hope he's doing well.
    icon_confused.gif

    Would that be ok?
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Sep 08, 2010 2:21 AM GMT
    fizzle saidI'm just looking for a second opinion here

    Here's my story:
    I started talking to this kid online who messaged me. We got along well and he eventually gave me his number. I asked him out and he said yes. We had a great time and after that he was inviting me to all these parties. We lived in different cities so I only got the chance to make it to one where he was introducing me to all his friends and really happy I was there.

    I'm leaving the country for four months soon and I sat him down in August to talk about it and know what he wanted from me and he seemed really emotional about it, almost crying. He was sort of distanced after that talk and I asked him what's going on because I feel like we're just friends where one likes the other (since I didn't know if he liked me).

    He said he did like me but just wanted to be good friends since he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone so far away who he doesn't know that well yet and that he's starting college and doesn't want to be tied down. I agreed and we decided to be 'good friends' (as he put it).
    Afterward he was talking to me less.
    We were supposed to meet up last week and I got to his dorm and he said he wasn't there and that he forgot we were hanging out. He apologized and said he was really sorry, but it still hurt my feelings.

    After that he doesn't talk to me at all and I leave in seven days.

    ...Have I done something wrong, or is he just putting up distance to protect himself?
    fizzle, i think you answered your own question. i think he is just realizing that you are not going to be around and doesn't want to invest a lot of time into someone who is not going to be around. plus, he is in college and be a very busy time for people who live on campus. u have so many things at your disposal. anyhow, just leave it to him to contact you. if he doesn't contact you anymore than it probably a safe bet that he is not interested in being friends with you.