I'm gay and have little to no interest in sex with men. Do I shoot myself now?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 12:27 AM GMT
    This is an extremely hard issue for me, but talking about things helps. I've never enjoyed a sexual experience with another man, don't look forward to them, find them annoying and time consuming and would rather be playing Monopoly. I'm sexually responsive to porn, but not to actual men. I love giving and receiving affection from men and spending intimate time with them. Anything sexual, however, PASS. Kissing's ok but it bores me quickly and my mind wanders to things like doing my taxes or wondering who got booted this week on Project Runway if a guy spends too long with his tongue in my mouth.

    This is very distressing for me, because I'd like to have a normal and healthy sex life, which I do not. Am I going to have to spend countless hours on a shrink's couch to sort this? This is pretty much the reason all of my relationship attempts have failed, because I'm pretty much sexually worthless and good luck finding a man who's gonna be like "no sex? thats ok who cares icon_smile.gif"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 12:50 AM GMT
    I think it's what they call "asexual". It's not uncommon.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 12:52 AM GMT
    Joy!
  • nv7_

    Posts: 1453

    Sep 09, 2010 12:57 AM GMT
    No, you're pretty. Don't shoot yourself. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 1:01 AM GMT
    nv7_ saidNo, you're pretty. Don't shoot yourself. icon_biggrin.gif


    Good advice!icon_wink.gif

    Hmm - maybe you just haven't met the right guy to drive you absolutely nuts and turn you into a sex maniac?icon_confused.gif
  • Brded1dr

    Posts: 45

    Sep 09, 2010 1:03 AM GMT
    I experience the exact same thing if I get with a guy with whom I feel no emotional connection. But I'm a libra so when I do have a connection with a guy, watch out!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 1:04 AM GMT
    You might be the type that really needs a strong emotional connection to get the juices flowing. That's not a bad thing! Don't give up!
  • metta

    Posts: 39143

    Sep 09, 2010 1:06 AM GMT
    carabin saidI think it's what they call "asexual". It's not uncommon.


    That is not asexual. He is obviously attracted to men, which makes him a homosexual.

    I don't think that there is anything wrong with what Ciarsolo is saying..so far...but I think that he should personally delve into it deeper to understand the reasons.

    These are not really questions that you need to answer here but you may want to ask yourself:

    What is it with being with a guy that is not a turn on for you?

    What kind of environment did you grow up in, in regards to how affectionate or distant your family is with each other?

    Have you ever been abused?

    Have you been burned by people...and if so...have you dealt with those feelings?

    Do you have trouble getting close to people on a non-sexual basis as well, like with friends and family?

    etc...



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 1:17 AM GMT
    Heterosexual men and women go through the same ordeal. One of the first things (I think) they would check is your hormone levels...make sure there is no biological, or physical reason for you lack of interest in sex,
    Then, if nothing turns up it's time to start looking at stress or other psychological factors that might play a factor.
    I think that the fact you are worried about it enough to write about it here says to me that you may already be giving yourself a complex about it, which is going to make it much worse.

    Unless, or until you get medical help, I would try to relax and enjoy other men's company....maybe simply say you don't want to have sex until later in the relationship. How refreshing would that be.....lol.
    Give yourself some time and relax.
    Like so many things in life, the more you try to focus on it, the harder it is to do.

    Good luck.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 1:25 AM GMT
    I seem to function normally "on my own". Being naked with another man is just about as stimulating as buying broccoli.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 1:27 AM GMT
    Baby, you are beautiful and perfect as you are. And you don't need to hear anything more than that.

    But I do love to go on, so forgive me. It sounds like you are, to a degree, asexual. You are not alone. There are thousands of guys like you. Now, you are a minority among a minority but you don't have to date someone else like you. In fact, your relationships will be fundamentally like every other relationship: a compromise.

    You have love to give and that love is not diminished one bit by your sexual desires. You can date, fall in love, and be with someone. Now, you do have to consider your partner's sexual needs. You may have to have an open relationship and you may have to have sex now and again. But, his needs can be met and your needs can be met with work and compromise. But, above all communication. He is going to need extra reassurance with words and deeds.

    It is going to be tougher for you, but you are an amazing person and deserve to share your life with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 1:28 AM GMT
    just my two cents...

    You are sexually responsive to porn, so I am going to say NO to you being asexual.

    I realize that this may be a private matter for you, but since you put it out there, this is what I am thinking...

    Your image (just from your pictures) seems to be a focus of yours, and as I will say, and others have said countless times--seems like something close to perfection. Many artful types love perfection, but that in and of itself can be torture.

    Why might this observation matter? I think that there might be an unhealthy obsession or complex evolving that may be preventing you from living life; a focus on perfection can leave even the most awesome people empty because they grow to not be able to accept things that are not perfect.

    Porn... is is art or is it life? In other words, are you focused on image, on something that if it falls short of perfection, so much so that if it falls short of that, then it is not exciting to you? In my opinion, life is ugly and fucked up and inconvenient and maybe perfection distorts reality for you.

    Lastly, if you are thinking about project runway or taxes, there may be sprinkles of A.D.D. which don't help, because when the imperfect hits, you can be easily drawn to something else.

    I am no expert, but, just a few thoughts, and I may be totally wrong.

    Hope this was helpful, take what you can and leave the rest.

    Best!
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Sep 09, 2010 1:30 AM GMT
    I'm wondering, have you had more than casual feelings for the guys you've been intimate with?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 1:32 AM GMT
    Ciarsolo saidI seem to function normally "on my own". Being naked with another man is just about as stimulating as buying broccoli.


    Hmmm that sounds kind of asexual to me babe lol....

    Not that theres a problem with it perse.. theres bi, homo, hetero, tri, multi, and a sexual icon_smile.gif Welcome to the rainbow

    The question for me is more like, well what do you want out of a "relationship" bcause well, isnt just a platonic friendship what your lookign for? I got those... they are cool, very cool

    And yeah, if you feel like you find men hot enough to watch porn, but cant get into it yourself, maybe your not entirely sexually receptive... for that seeing a shrink is not really a problem... hell I wont tell you to go see a priest, they;d tell you to be a monk icon_razz.gif which you already are ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 1:35 AM GMT
    Timberoo saidI'm wondering, have you had more than casual feelings for the guys you've been intimate with?


    Absolutely. It's been pretty devastating to me when they've severed contact.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 1:43 AM GMT
    xuaerb said
    Your image (just from your pictures) seems to be a focus of yours, and as I will say, and others have said countless times--seems like something close to perfection. Many artful types love perfection, but that in and of itself can be torture.

    Why might this observation matter? I think that there might be an unhealthy obsession or complex evolving that may be preventing you from living life; a focus on perfection can leave even the most awesome people empty because they grow to not be able to accept things that are not perfect.



    It's a good observation, but doesn't apply to me I think. The most wonderful people I have dated were, by scrutinizing standards, the most "average looking" you could possibly imagine. I once dated a "conventionally" attractive man. Turn off. Turn off because he was younger than me and I can't date men younger than me (because I'm naturally drawn to men much older). I'm not driven by pretty faces and hard bodies, and more often than not I'll distrust a man with them.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Sep 09, 2010 1:45 AM GMT
    Ciarsolo said
    Timberoo saidI'm wondering, have you had more than casual feelings for the guys you've been intimate with?


    Absolutely. It's been pretty devastating to me when they've severed contact.


    Do you think you prefer to be more submissive sexually?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 1:46 AM GMT
    Have you never enjoyed sex or is this something that has developed and worsened over time?

    Do you imagine there is a guy that could get you wound up sexually? Or are you disinterested in sex with anyone?

    I guess I'm asking if you're just not sexually attracted to the guys you've been with? Maybe there's a disconnect between who you're emotionally attracted to versus who you're physically attracted to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 1:54 AM GMT
    Never enjoyed it. Not sure how to answer the type of guy that would get me wound up. Maybe? I don't know, I once dated a guy with an awesome body and I just kept staring at him in bed and thought to myself "I'd find this freakin' hot if it was in porn." But there I had it, and wanted to do nothing with it. I wanted it to shut up actually because it kept snoring. Maybe porn ruined me and exclusively trained my sexual drive to respond to it and with actual men it's like "WTF do I do with this?"

    As far as the submissive thing, I don't know. I've never been with a sexually aggressive man. I bottomed twice and didn't like it.
  • nv7_

    Posts: 1453

    Sep 09, 2010 1:54 AM GMT
    Maybe, secretly, you're really into these.....
    tacos.jpg
  • tigrisblue

    Posts: 113

    Sep 09, 2010 1:55 AM GMT
    Is it the contact itself that is troublesome? Assuming not, I'd guess it might have to do with physical expectations. But without knowing you, it's very tough to say. icon_sad.gif I'd hope it's just that you haven't found the right sort yet.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 1:56 AM GMT
    Ciarsolo saidBeing naked with another man is just about as stimulating as buying broccoli.

    That doesn't sound very gay to me... icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 09, 2010 1:57 AM GMT
    nv7_ saidMaybe, secretly, you're really into these.....
    tacos.jpg


    Ok first off that is NOT a taco.

    Second ew! I can't even stand talking to girls. Give me a room full of men to snap towels with any day. See I do have a complete appreciation for male sexuality and it turns me on...just not when I'm involved personally.
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Sep 09, 2010 1:57 AM GMT
    Have you ever watched porn with another guy there?
  • tigrisblue

    Posts: 113

    Sep 09, 2010 2:00 AM GMT
    Yowza, I take a few minutes typing on my phone and I get four posts or so behind the curve. XD