Love my bf, but no longer sexually attracted.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 10, 2010 5:11 AM GMT
    Such a struggle.

    Totally in love with the man, would like to get married. It's the best partnership I've ever had.

    Problem is I can't imagine having sex with him anymore. We've been on a dry spell for the past 4-5 months and I have no desire to revive it.

    Has this happened to anybody?
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    Sep 10, 2010 5:28 AM GMT
    Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? This isn't all about your sexual attraction, but your mutual sexual attraction. And you are not going through a dry spell but you two are going through a dry spell. So, something is going on with you and something is going on with him.

    Talk it out and find out what is going on. As long as you two still have romantic interest in each other you can make this work. Your sexual relationship might be a bit different, but if you both really love each other this is not insurmountable.
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    Sep 10, 2010 5:40 AM GMT
    Yep, we've touched on it lightly.

    Earlier this year, the visual effects of HPV broke out on him. We had both been tested 3-4x prior, and we are monogamous (and I totally believe nothing was going on with him and somebody else since we nearly spend every waking hour together).

    Of course HPV can live in you forever and manifests itself basically when it feels like it.

    That put a damper on things.

    But since then, nothing has started back up. And to be honest, I don't really care if it does. Don't get me wrong, I still desire sex, just not necessarily from him. I will not, however, cheat on him. Laugh if you want, but my Dad cheated on my Mom and I saw the pain she experienced; I could never, ever do that.

    Again, I love being with him. We get along pretty well, and our lives are very intertwined. We're going on three years. But this problem needs to get fixed somehow, and I don't think "time" is healing it.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Sep 10, 2010 5:42 AM GMT
    open relationships are more sexually satisfying in the long run IMO. Also keeps your current sex life from becoming boring!!
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    Sep 10, 2010 6:04 AM GMT
    How much does the HPV factor into your desire? Is your fear of catching it preventing you from falling in lust with the guy?

    Take an honest assessment and work on it. Perhaps your solution is in educating yourself about HPV and finding out how to have safer sex. Perhaps the solution is opening up the relationship.
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Sep 10, 2010 6:07 AM GMT
    Talk to him. If he wants to improve your sex life, then you can do things together.
    Are you attracted to him at all? Is your love for him strictly platonic? If he tries to arouse you, does it work? What doe he think?

    Go somewhere, just the two of you, and have lots of sex. If you're at home, have more physical contact. Remember the things you liked in him when you first met him. Do nice things for each other that remind you about sex. Leave dirty notes/texts for each other, talk about something kinky you did, try phone sex. Watch porn together. If either of you gets off on words more than pictures, read porn to each other.

    But more importantly, make an active effort to have physical contact. It doesn't have to be full blown sex, do sexual things like juveniles do: like grinding to orgasm against each other in clothes. Masturbate together. Masturbate each other. That imparts a moment of carelessness and a raw freedom in its spontaneity. Blindfold each other. Turn off all lights. Make the room completely dark and get reacquainted with each other. Lay there and run your hands on each others' bodies slowly and firmly. Try using different textures-feathers, metals, ice, etc. Alternatively, try massages.

    Try extended periods of foreplay, not just when you are in the bed. It can last throughout the day. Leave lingering touches behind when you pass each other. Kiss more often.Cook together. Say nice things to each other-like how you like each other's hair or that freckle on the cheek ore something. You can be kinky here, too. Work out naked together. Play games naked, like cards, or even just board games. The loser has to sexually treat the winner. Use toys, different positions, etc.

    Find out where the problem stems from. Sometimes a lack of sex drive with a partner can just be due to a lack of sex. Your body gets used to it.

    The HPV may be putting you off. But you said you don't desire sex from him. That's something you need to think about yourself. You may be just getting away from that lustful phase. It happens to everyone. You think it's worth staying. Work on it together.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 10, 2010 6:14 PM GMT
    I know its difficult, but trust me when I say this, you need to forget the relationship -- it is dead, and unsalvageable, and to remain in it, is unfair not only to you, but to your bf as well.

    I was in a "relationship" with someone twenty years my senior who I wasn't attracted to, and was miserable. I did everything in my power to avoid having sex with him, and when he'd force me, all I could do was lie there and wish it to be over.

    His incessant demands for sex started to wear on me psychologically, and I would have rather physically hurt myself than have sex with him. I started to feel molested, and taken advantage of, and at that point started to hate him.

    He repulsed me. He revolted me.

    At that point, I had to tell him there was just no physical attraction, and there wasn't going to be any physical attraction. Therefore, it was best to just move on.

    The fundamental basis of any successful relationship is physical attractiveness. It has to be mutual -- other things like commonalities, interest, and personality all are secondary. If your partner doesn't turn you on, there's just no hope.

    I had honestly forgotten what real physical attraction felt like - how amazing and rewarding sex can be with someone you're into. There is no forcing, because you want to have sex with them, there is no dreading, because you can't wait to get them naked.

    Trust me, you need to get out of this, now.
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    Sep 11, 2010 7:24 PM GMT
    Diablo29 saidYep, we've touched on it lightly.

    Earlier this year, the visual effects of HPV broke out on him. We had both been tested 3-4x prior, and we are monogamous (and I totally believe nothing was going on with him and somebody else since we nearly spend every waking hour together).

    Of course HPV can live in you forever and manifests itself basically when it feels like it.

    That put a damper on things.

    But since then, nothing has started back up. And to be honest, I don't really care if it does. Don't get me wrong, I still desire sex, just not necessarily from him. I will not, however, cheat on him. Laugh if you want, but my Dad cheated on my Mom and I saw the pain she experienced; I could never, ever do that.

    Again, I love being with him. We get along pretty well, and our lives are very intertwined. We're going on three years. But this problem needs to get fixed somehow, and I don't think "time" is healing it.


    Discuss it with him.
    Determine both your priorities.
    Do you want to remain with him "forever" and hope for the best?
    Do you want to consider a mutually agreed upon 'open relationship' (vs. cheating) as a way to salvage what you have to fulfill your carnal needs?
    Hope it works out well for you both!
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Sep 14, 2010 1:48 AM GMT
    Bro, what I can tell u is that I used to go through (kinda) same shit in my previous relationship...Long story short, after 3 years living together in Beijing, China ( I am Serbian, he is Chilean ) and all this time I thought that he was the love of my life, and yes, I love(d) him. And he love(d?) me. But, u know, things change, and everybody's change, so it is only natural for one relationship to evolve, to grow, to change. We were separeted for 7 months ( he stayed in Beijing, and I went for a rehabilitation in Serbia, for 7 months ) and now I am coming back, but not to Beijing, but to eternal spring city of Kunming, capital of Yunnan province, to study mandarin and martial arts. Anyhow, I still feel some emotions for him, and I guess I always will, but just recently I found out that is possible to fall in love again, and that life without him is totally ok...I feel better on my own, and now I've met this 19 years old Gypsy guy, very, very, very hot and street wise, and he is totally "not my type"...but than again, my ex was "my type" and that just didn't work out...You go figure...I think u should give it a break, if anything. But, of course, it is your call. Good luck!
  • rioriz

    Posts: 1056

    Sep 14, 2010 1:52 AM GMT
    This is what ended my last serious relationship and trust me either go to an open relationship or move on. It may be hard for both of you for awhile but it is not fair to you or him. He may be suffering inside and can feel your lack of attraction. Staying with him may be the worst decision for both because he feels inadequate and you will feel trapped. It is honorable you will not cheat on him because most guys would. Good luck and let us know what happened!
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    Sep 14, 2010 1:54 AM GMT
    I have/am experianceing the same thing. A few months ago we hit a dry spell because i couldnt have sex with my boyfriend due to weight gain and his drinking. I would try to get him to exercise and stop drinking and it wasnt happening. I have now come to terms with his weight (still working on the drinking) but now he doesnt want sex. He said he feels insecure about his body. I have tried to help him but nothing has been working.
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Sep 14, 2010 2:03 AM GMT
    MikemikeMike saidopen relationships are more sexually satisfying in the long run IMO. Also keeps your current sex life from becoming boring!!


    This isn't true for a lot of people... They can be hard to keep working too.
  • wildkatz

    Posts: 133

    Sep 14, 2010 2:06 AM GMT
    I"m in the same boat! I love him so much and there is nothing I wouldn't do for him, but the sex life died about 2.5 years ago. Even when we are on the same page and both are turned on by each other (about twice a year) it's just not satisfying. We love each other and have the most amazing partnership, but sexually we both are attracted to other men.

    I think overall due to our age difference (9 years) and overall loss of emotional needs has killed our sex drive. We've both 'stepped out' dated other men and looked for something that will be better than what we're in, but overall we end up finding our way back to each other due to this amazing and intense relationship/friendship...... we just get each other.

    I definitely feel you on this and empathize. I wish I had a great answer for you, I"ve dated another man for 10 months and even tho I loved and lusted after him, and the sex was amazing, it was a complete trainwreck and I end up staying with my guy cuz we just get it.......sedx aside. I"d like some answers too!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2010 2:10 AM GMT
    This matter is different for everyone. Honest communication is key.

    I would HIGHLY recommend seeing a couples counselor (preferably one that was recommended and deals with gay relations as there are some key differences from the hetero reality). It honestly pained me to read the opening paragraph. There is no easy solution for this - only honesty in moving forward, be that together, apart, fixing your sex life or having a lovingly agreed upon open relation. Any of these might work - but it's going to take some (potentially painful) honesty and effort on BOTH your parts.

    I've SO been there. I wish you the best. BE BRAVE!!
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Sep 14, 2010 2:11 AM GMT
    gymguy1 saidI have/am experianceing the same thing. A few months ago we hit a dry spell because i couldnt have sex with my boyfriend due to weight gain and his drinking. I would try to get him to exercise and stop drinking and it wasnt happening. I have now come to terms with his weight (still working on the drinking) but now he doesnt want sex. He said he feels insecure about his body. I have tried to help him but nothing has been working.


    Part of monogamy is putting out some effort to satisfy the other person. Sometimes that means loosing weight. My Mom just put my Dad on diet.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2010 2:23 AM GMT
    Diablo29 saidYep, we've touched on it lightly.

    Earlier this year, the visual effects of HPV broke out on him. We had both been tested 3-4x prior, and we are monogamous (and I totally believe nothing was going on with him and somebody else since we nearly spend every waking hour together).

    Of course HPV can live in you forever and manifests itself basically when it feels like it.

    That put a damper on things.

    But since then, nothing has started back up. And to be honest, I don't really care if it does. Don't get me wrong, I still desire sex, just not necessarily from him. I will not, however, cheat on him. Laugh if you want, but my Dad cheated on my Mom and I saw the pain she experienced; I could never, ever do that.

    Again, I love being with him. We get along pretty well, and our lives are very intertwined. We're going on three years. But this problem needs to get fixed somehow, and I don't think "time" is healing it.


    Oh my.... I guarantee that you are infected with HPV as well. i know right where to find it. i treat its effects everyday. when you pass through the birth canal, you are coated in HPVs. The only question is which genotypes and whether they are high-risk (can lead to dysplasia and cancer) or low-risk (cause warts). I hope this isn't about you no longer being attracted to him because he has HPV... cause the likelihood that you share types is quite high. you may not necessarily manifest visible evidence of your infection, so lack of warts means nothing.

    did i interpret your comments correctly to mean you think he became infected outside your relationship and that's causing trust issues?

    i recommend a rediscovery of the things that originally brought you together and a self-analysis with the starting premise being that you are no different/better/less-infected than he is. If you have failed in any way(s), your humility will help you see he may feel the same about you.

    two people should be in a relationship for the purpose of fostering each other's spiritual (not 'religious') growth. it is normal for that 'raising up' of the other to include being physically attracted to him. it will wax and wane of course. if you're not ever finding him desirable, maybe you should free him up?
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    Sep 14, 2010 2:23 AM GMT
    Vaughn said
    gymguy1 saidI have/am experianceing the same thing. A few months ago we hit a dry spell because i couldnt have sex with my boyfriend due to weight gain and his drinking. I would try to get him to exercise and stop drinking and it wasnt happening. I have now come to terms with his weight (still working on the drinking) but now he doesnt want sex. He said he feels insecure about his body. I have tried to help him but nothing has been working.


    Part of monogamy is putting out some effort to satisfy the other person. Sometimes that means loosing weight. My Mom just put my Dad on diet.


    I have tried that but its a real sensitive. He gets very angry and emotional. I have asked him to work out and run together...there is always an excuse. I love him more than anything and im trying to make this work. I just dont think i will get through to him. He is going to do what he wants...he is pushing me away and i dont think he even realizes it.
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    Sep 14, 2010 2:34 AM GMT
    Having been in a monogamous relationship for nearly ten years, I can tell you with certainty that there are times when one doesn't find their partner the hot piece of man meat they once did. It's part of the normal ebb and flow. However, in my experience the romance and lust always return. It's the love that's the important thing. If you have that, you're golden! Give yourself, partner, and relationship a break. Like a man coming out of a desert you guys will be insatiable when the dry spell ends. It's an awesome experience...just trust it will happen.

    Thats my advice, but it does seems to me though the HPV thing might be part of the problem. Most people who have had a sexual encounter are highly likely to be carrying HPV. It's nearly impossible to trace where anyone gets it. For all you know you were carrying it and gave it to him and he was just more susceptible.
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    Sep 14, 2010 2:42 AM GMT
    Yeah sadly sometimes you love someone but when that heat is gone it can be hard to reignite. Keep trying though and tell try working together for some ways to spice things up. If that doesn't work then it's sad but you may have to move on. I did and it hurt but I think it's better than the resentment and lack of interest I was feeling towards my ex.
  • Buffd46

    Posts: 3

    Sep 15, 2010 3:46 AM GMT
    And you think that you are the only person in the world to experience this?Every relationship straight/gay/married,feeds into this pattern.The problem is how often can you start the mode button on to romance,love and intamacy again?Do you change partners every five years?That is just about the right time for the lease to expire again....and with every long term relatiionship the discovery period has faded and included the sex that got you started.Bottom line is we are all responsible as humans for our happiness and orgasm!
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    Sep 15, 2010 2:15 PM GMT
    Diablo29, the only thing I can see wrong here is this, "We've been on a dry spell for the past 4-5 months and I have no desire to revive it.

    So, this: HPV is not a wart; it's a virus carried by SOME strains of warts.

    Now, if you're totally in love and it's the best partnership you ever had then you'd want to revive things, very much so. Perhaps spend a day thinking of all the things you first saw in him. Relive those first dates, those first intimate moments. Share some of them here, with us if you like.

    As well, arms remember when eyes forget. And ears remember when arms forget, and eyes remember when ears forget.

    -Doug
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 16, 2010 10:54 AM GMT
    Diablo29 saidSuch a struggle.

    Totally in love with the man, would like to get married. It's the best partnership I've ever had.

    Problem is I can't imagine having sex with him anymore. We've been on a dry spell for the past 4-5 months and I have no desire to revive it.

    Has this happened to anybody?


    You're kind of in an emotional contradiction here
    For me sexual attraction IS part of a healthy relationship

    Does that mean you can't have a relationship without it?
    Yes you can but why would you?
    You can do one of a few things here
    You can ask yourself WHY you're not attracted to your partner
    and work on getting that attraction back
    That's not going to be easy ... it will mean searching yourself and what your interests are in the relationship
    You can end the relationship and keep your partner as a close friend
    or you can stay in a sexless relationship
    the latter sounds to me sad and selfish .... sad for you and selfish because your bf by definition has to go without as well
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2010 11:44 AM GMT
    i cant give an opinion about that [lack of expirience in couplehood icon_smile.gif]
    but i think this topic is important icon_eek.gif
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    Mar 03, 2013 12:15 PM GMT
    I feel much better knowing im not the only one.

    Im in a monogamous relationship. I love my boy and even tho we are relatively young ( 27 and 28 ) we have plans already in getting married someday and have a family as a gay couple. He is what i always dream of as a man, Educated, professional, family values, caring, masculine etc.. But we have discussed this issue recently, and the problem its me as he say he stills sexually attracted to me up to now. Im gonna put it this way, im not into vanilla only, more of a variety guy... we only had oral sex twice in 3 years because he likes to keep it knit and clean, got to the point that im starting to have problems responding to his touch.

    I believe in monogamous relationships and Im not into open relationships... Even tho I have thought about it, I know it wont happen as he is strictly against open relationships. Its getting hard for me everyday as I need to think in past experiences to get aroused. Im avoiding a dry season.

    Has anyone here with this same way of thinking found a "solution"?

    I dont want to post all of our personal issues here but if someone has gone through the same and worked something out feel free to email me hehe

    Hope for the ones that have posted on here things are going great.

    Cheers

    " Happiness, only real when shared" - A.M