Want a relationship?  Here's how to get one...

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    Sep 11, 2010 3:24 AM GMT
    Seems to be a lot of angst and despair from guys wanting a relationship. Below are some of my thoughts on what helps me in all my relationships (romantic, friend, and family). I'm no expert, but these are things that have worked for me. Take it for what you will.

    Unlike a six pack of beer or a new car, a relationship isn't something that you go out and get. However, a lot of times thats just how we approach them. We're always on the hunt for the perfect relationship/guy. Well, let me tell you right now that it doesn't exist!

    Relationships are a shared creation. They are made by two people, and like any collaborative art you never know what you're going to end up with. They change and grow and the people in them have to adapt. What we want today will not be what we want tomorrow. So, going in with preconceived notions of who and what makes a perfect relationship usually kills it before it starts.

    So how do you get a relationship? Start by changing your focus. Stop focusing on your needs, your idea of perfection, your desire to have someone to come home to. Try focusing on other people around you and really listening to them. It's a skill that will be indispensable in any real relationship.

    Stop judging yourself. Accept that who you are is who your supposed to be. Once you can do that it should be easier to look at the world and others in the same way. You're not perfect and neither is anyone else. To keep a relationship together there's got to be a lot of forgiveness, both of yourself and your partner. 

    Stop being so sour. If you haven't figured it out already, life is hard and few of us get exactly what we want out of life. It's easy to bitch and moan about our lot in life, and bad day now and then is normal, but when you make it your default emotion it's really unattractive. There's always someone worse off than you, so get out of your head and put that energy into volunteering. 

    Be open to life and all the opportunities it has to offer. Romantic relationships aren't the end all be all. Friends, family and coworkers are relationships too. In a truly balanced life cultivating these is just as important as finding Mr. Right. Until he comes along why not put effort in building  a life that you deserve?

    So what do you guys think it takes to make a successful relationship? Hearing different perspectives is the only way we can learn to better ourselves.
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    Sep 11, 2010 6:48 AM GMT
    Hi RudeMech -

    I have also learned the following from straight relationships, friends, co-workers, etc. which I apply to any relationship seeking and warnings to watch out. These are just things that I have learned throughout the years, and I also struggle why sometimes in my straight relationships I had problems. I found out the hard way, but somethings came to light after doing some reading, searching the topic and in essence taking account of my own internal dealings.

    Unhealthy relationships, and warning signs. An unsafe individual:

    * does not admit that they have problems or they think they can solve the problems by themselves.

    * does not admit fault when they have wronged someone.

    * does not forgive people who have hurt them.

    * avoids facing relationship problems openly.

    * does not seek for things to be right.

    * lacks compassion and empathy for others and his community.

    * hates to openly confront others.

    * hates the process of learning, and communicating in a relationship.

    * do not take responsibility for their actions, but 'some else' is always to blame.

    * does not want to share their problems, and avoids the subject in essence hinders the ability to grow from this problems.

    These are just some of the things I have learned in attracting the wrong individuals into my life. I always felt short change, putting more in the relationship and then being disappointed when it was my turn to withdrawal from the bank and not getting the return. Once I switched the focus, I quickly have found some great friend relationships, and also have unsafe relationships, but I know how to treat each other.

    Hope this make sense.







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    Sep 11, 2010 7:05 AM GMT
    A relationship is a fantasy two people create for one another

    Thats my two cents lol ^_^
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    Sep 11, 2010 2:11 PM GMT
    uombroca said
    * hates the process of learning, and communicating in a relationship.

    * do not take responsibility for their actions, but 'some else' is always to blame.



    These two things struck me, as communication is so important, but I think we all struggle with it. Every person communicates in a different way and it's a real skill to learn how to effectively talk to someone.

    Personal responsibility is a big one for me. Some of my biggest lessons learned have come from swallowing my pride and owning up to whatever my part was in a situation. In my relationship with my partner whenever there are disagreements I make sure that I take ownership of whatever I did that was wrong, and he started doing the same.
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    Sep 11, 2010 3:11 PM GMT
    Good points! but I personally don't believe in rules or expectations when I am getting to know someone who is a candidate for a possible relationship. For me when the time comes to embrace a relationship I rather let things flow naturally, and if at one point the relationship fails than I just accept the way things turn out, stop putting blame on myself or the other party, and just move on.

    Besides gay men in general are ten times more selfish and self-absorbed than their straight counterparts. In my own experience gay men are too picky and yet they are either not willing to share or don't have much to offer themselves.


    Leandro ♥
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    Sep 11, 2010 3:15 PM GMT
    RudeMech saidSeems to be a lot of angst and despair from guys wanting a relationship. Below are some of my thoughts on what helps me in all my relationships (romantic, friend, and family). I'm no expert, but these are things that have worked for me. Take it for what you will.

    Unlike a six pack of beer or a new car, a relationship isn't something that you go out and get. However, a lot of times thats just how we approach them. We're always on the hunt for the perfect relationship/guy. Well, let me tell you right now that it doesn't exist!

    Relationships are a shared creation. They are made by two people, and like any collaborative art you never know what you're going to end up with. They change and grow and the people in them have to adapt. What we want today will not be what we want tomorrow. So, going in with preconceived notions of who and what makes a perfect relationship usually kills it before it starts.

    So how do you get a relationship? Start by changing your focus. Stop focusing on your needs, your idea of perfection, your desire to have someone to come home to. Try focusing on other people around you and really listening to them. It's a skill that will be indispensable in any real relationship.

    Stop judging yourself. Accept that who you are is who your supposed to be. Once you can do that it should be easier to look at the world and others in the same way. You're not perfect and neither is anyone else. To keep a relationship together there's got to be a lot of forgiveness, both of yourself and your partner. 

    Stop being so sour. If you haven't figured it out already, life is hard and few of us get exactly what we want out of life. It's easy to bitch and moan about our lot in life, and bad day now and then is normal, but when you make it your default emotion it's really unattractive. There's always someone worse off than you, so get out of your head and put that energy into volunteering. 

    Be open to life and all the opportunities it has to offer. Romantic relationships aren't the end all be all. Friends, family and coworkers are relationships too. In a truly balanced life cultivating these is just as important as finding Mr. Right. Until he comes along why not put effort in building  a life that you deserve?

    So what do you guys think it takes to make a successful relationship? Hearing different perspectives is the only way we can learn to better ourselves.


    thanks, it helps a loticon_biggrin.gif
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    Sep 11, 2010 6:49 PM GMT
    ALEZANDAR saidGood points! but I personally don't believe in rules or expectations when I am getting to know someone who is a candidate for a possible relationship. For me when the time comes to embrace a relationship I rather let things flow naturally, and if at one point the relationship fails than I just accept the way things turn out, stop putting blame on myself or the other party, and just move on.

    Besides gay men in general are ten times more selfish and self-absorbed than their straight counterparts. In my own experience gay men are too picky and yet they are either not willing to share or don't have much to offer themselves.


    Leandro ♥


    I pointed out some interesting observations, but NOT RULES...nor expectations when meeting something new. What I learned is if they exhibit these 'signs' during the course of the relationship...I can do two things:

    (1) I just stop all communication and move on, since their is immaturity and needs to be growth and I can not change them.

    (2) I accept the person for whom they are in terms of what specifics I can work with them in a specific activity in my life, and the others I do not know involve them.

    The latter has been more succesful in terms we have all some unhealthy relationships in our lives, is how we use these relationships...

    For example....I used to have a friend...like to workout, go hiking, certain activities he was there for me in those activities...he was also a big playboy player, coming out of a bad marriage by which his best friend cheated on his wife and he found in the act coming home, additionally later in the divorce she became pregnant and was trying to say it was his, it was not until a DNA examination revealed the facts that the child was not his...he completely changed after that in terms of relationship with women, he would literary sleep with anything that crawl, he even carried a box of condoms in his trunk of his car. After, that he was not reliable in terms of showing up at certain sport activities, lying, etc. The whole dynamics of the relationship changed, at this point I started involving him in only certain things I could count on him, after that things just got worse and then eventually just stop communicating with him all together. My point during this whole process is that I was still supportive, putting more effort in my part in the relationship to make it work since I really had great times with this guy...BUT that was my mistake, in view that I could not seeing that it WAS HIM and NOT me...once I connected the dots I was able to move on.
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    Sep 11, 2010 7:05 PM GMT
    Simply put it is a result not a plan.

    Do you feel drawn to someone and they are drawn to you, and you don't really know or care why?

    I believe that relationships seek us out as opposed to us seeking them out. My philosophy changed after my early twenties when I tried to make things happen. It evolved into, "well if we are still hanging out, enjoying each other and having sex after ten years, then I think we can call it a relationship, but let's no ruin it simply by calling it that"
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    Sep 11, 2010 7:10 PM GMT
    xuaerb saidSimply put it is a result not a plan.

    Do you feel drawn to someone and they are drawn to you, and you don't really know or care why?

    I believe that relationships seek us out as opposed to us seeking them out. My philosophy changed after my early twenties when I tried to make things happen. It evolved into, "well if we are still hanging out, enjoying each other and having sex after ten years, then I think we can call it a relationship, but let's no ruin it simply by calling it that"


    Could agree with that

    Me, I personally I still think relationships are essentially a fairy tale we get told in movies and songs etc. "the myth of romantic love" ... most people I know who fall in romantic love, it doesnt end well... what usually work are proper relationships like the one you describe above, no expectations, its just works that way..

    and in that sense the relationship is a myth that you keep up for one another, its a construct of the mind, not a real thing, and we go int despair and angst because we are told from young that "romantic love is supposed to lead into a real relationship" and go looking for that, when that usually fails.... So really there is no point at all for despair and angst, if your looking for a relationship, your looking for something you are creating yourself and doesnt really exist
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    Sep 12, 2010 12:34 AM GMT
    uombroca said

    I pointed out some interesting observations, but NOT RULES...nor expectations when meeting something new. What I learned is if they exhibit these 'signs' during the course of the relationship...I can do two things:

    (1) I just stop all communication and move on, since their is immaturity and needs to be growth and I can not change them.

    (2) I accept the person for whom they are in terms of what specifics I can work with them in a specific activity in my life, and the others I do not know involve them.

    The latter has been more succesful in terms we have all some unhealthy relationships in our lives, is how we use these relationships...

    For example....I used to have a friend...like to workout, go hiking, certain activities he was there for me in those activities...he was also a big playboy player, coming out of a bad marriage by which his best friend cheated on his wife and he found in the act coming home, additionally later in the divorce she became pregnant and was trying to say it was his, it was not until a DNA examination revealed the facts that the child was not his...he completely changed after that in terms of relationship with women, he would literary sleep with anything that crawl, he even carried a box of condoms in his trunk of his car. After, that he was not reliable in terms of showing up at certain sport activities, lying, etc. The whole dynamics of the relationship changed, at this point I started involving him in only certain things I could count on him, after that things just got worse and then eventually just stop communicating with him all together. My point during this whole process is that I was still supportive, putting more effort in my part in the relationship to make it work since I really had great times with this guy...BUT that was my mistake, in view that I could not seeing that it WAS HIM and NOT me...once I connected the dots I was able to move on.



    I think you have very good intentions and are on the right track but your observations are in essence DEMANDS! and these can be easily interpreted by others as RULES!! but why demand so much from someone in a loving relationship when no matter how right you may be of how wrong that someone is, ultimately it is that someone's decision to want to change so the relationship can work or be saved. Having said that the best way to avoid or go through all that unnecessary drama is to either get to know your partner well as a friend first, or if already in the relationship to let him know how you feel so that way he knows where you stand!! believe me when I tell that you will save yourself a lot of headaches and unnecessary drama!!


    Leandro ♥
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2010 2:06 AM GMT
    Good points everyone. I especially agree that relationships find you.
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    Sep 12, 2010 2:51 AM GMT
    RudeMech that was a great post. I like the idea of being a good listener. That's something that anyone appreciates.When we aren't good at this, we cultivate rejection and that doesn't work when trying to build relationships with others.