How do I meet gay guys at bars?

  • jasen202

    Posts: 42

    Sep 11, 2010 6:37 PM GMT
    I'm new to being gay ; long story. I've been told by a kind gay guy that I needed to go on the gay quest and learn to be comfortable with being myself first before having a boyfriend and learn about gay culture. I'm taking his advice to heart. I've started to travel to some major us city, just been to castro lately, to get a feel for it. I'm also going to visit lots of gay bars locally.

    Should I expect to get hit on at a gay bar, also where do gay people like to meet? I'm more wanting to learn how being gay works and talk with other gays than being with someone. Thanks.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2010 12:03 AM GMT
    johnnydssa saidI'm new to being gay ; long story. I've been told by a kind gay guy that I needed to go on the gay quest and learn to be comfortable with being myself first before having a boyfriend and learn about gay culture. I'm taking his advice to heart. I've started to travel to some major us city, just been to castro lately, to get a feel for it. I'm also going to visit lots of gay bars locally.

    Should I expect to get hit on at a gay bar, also where do gay people like to meet? I'm more wanting to learn how being gay works and talk with other gays than being with someone. Thanks.



    Maybe start by putting up a pic first icon_smile.gif
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Sep 12, 2010 12:08 AM GMT
    Don't feel pressured in to doing anything you don't want to do, and that includes putting up a pic. You should put up a photo of yourself to show everyone, but do it when you're ready. I hardly ever go to gay bars, so it's not the only way to meet guys - maybe try joining a gay sports group or something else that interests you. Take it at your own pace and good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2010 12:21 AM GMT
    johnnydssa saidI'm new to being gay ; long story. I've been told by a kind gay guy that I needed to go on the gay quest and learn to be comfortable with being myself first before having a boyfriend and learn about gay culture. I'm taking his advice to heart. I've started to travel to some major us city, just been to castro lately, to get a feel for it. I'm also going to visit lots of gay bars locally.

    Should I expect to get hit on at a gay bar, also where do gay people like to meet? I'm more wanting to learn how being gay works and talk with other gays than being with someone. Thanks.



    Being gay is no different than being straight. Gay bars are fine and most of them are very similar to straight bars... the difference being you can usually get a better drink at a gay bar (we love our heavy pours lol).

    You will get hit on, as long as you don't stand there glowering at other people. Look for guys you are attracted to and make yourself available. Meet and talk with some people and you will make some friends right away. Gay people are some of the most open people you will ever meet and we make loyal friends. For many of us, friends end up being our family, so we are there for each other.

    Get out, meet some people, make some new friends and have fun.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2010 12:28 AM GMT
    johnnydssa saidI'm new to being gay ; long story. I've been told by a kind gay guy that I needed to go on the gay quest and learn to be comfortable with being myself first before having a boyfriend and learn about gay culture. I'm taking his advice to heart. I've started to travel to some major us city, just been to castro lately, to get a feel for it. I'm also going to visit lots of gay bars locally.

    Should I expect to get hit on at a gay bar, also where do gay people like to meet? I'm more wanting to learn how being gay works and talk with other gays than being with someone. Thanks.



    Can't help ya, new too, but I'm curious to see what other guys have to say here...I'm going through the same thing...but it is amazing and sometimes entertaining to just be in a place where you can be with guys like us.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2010 12:31 AM GMT
    I remember going out and seeing there were gay guys out there who were "normal".. like me, handsome as hell, built.. all that. It was cool.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2010 12:35 AM GMT
    I don't know, I'm not a big fan of gay bars myself. Maybe the ones that are more like a bar or pub are cool but the dance club ones seem to attract weirdos. I would suggest joining a club or team like a gay softball team if you're looking to make friends and meet people.

    You definitely should try a few things and make your own mind up though. Go what you're comfortable and the guys seem like people you'd get on with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2010 12:39 AM GMT
    someguy saidI don't know, I'm not a big fan of gay bars myself. Maybe the ones that are more like a bar or pub are cool but the dance club ones seem to attract weirdos. I would suggest joining a club or team like a gay softball team if you're looking to make friends and meet people.

    You definitely should try a few things and make your own mind up though. Go what you're comfortable and the guys seem like people you'd get on with.


    I can see that. I'm from San Diego originally and the crowd is pretty good. I'm not a fan of dance clubs, but mostly because I don't like to dance and am not into that kind of music.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2010 5:53 AM GMT
    Gay bars are an option to get connected with the gay community, but keep in mind that the guys you will meet at a gay bar, for the most part, are the guys who go to gay bars as a way to spend their time. There is nothing wrong with that, but it depends largely on where your interests are. If you do enjoy going to bars, there are many "themed" gay bars in most major cities. There might be a leather bar, a country bar, a mainstream dance club, a latino bar, and a laid back pub-style bar, sometimes on the same block or depending on the night of the week. Based on my experience, all are welcome at these bars, so don't feel worried about not "fitting in."

    Contact your local gay and lesbian community center to see what events are coming up. Charity events are a great way to get plugged into the community, and the community center can direct you to a support group where you can meet other guys who have recently come out, or are still in the process, giving you a chance to pay your experience forward, when the time is right. Some of these events are held at or in conjunction with local bars, so you'll meet lots of new people in no time.

    In your spare time, I would also suggest you spend some time researching the struggle for gay civil rights over the years. Being homosexual used to be illegal in the US [and technically still is in some states, although a recent case in Texas rendered such laws unenforceable], and is punishable by death in some countries. Moreover, homosexuality was just removed from the DSM as a mental disorder in 1986. While Jews were Hitler's primary target during the Holocaust, gays were also on his list, and many gays suffered the same terrible fate. There is so much history that carries painful relevance to our current political battles, validating history's natural tendency to repeat itself.

    Hopefully I've not been to wordy. Let us know how things go for you in the coming weeks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2010 9:34 AM GMT
    I'm not actually out yet myself, but when I was 16 I was determined to go to a gaybar. So I marched on inside myself, the second time I dragged a friend inside...the people seemed really chill.

    I guess just try it out and see what happens. Don't try to seem contrived or desperate. Wish you all the luck icon_smile.gificon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2010 10:31 AM GMT
    A bar is a bar, gay or straight. Be open and be yourself and you'll have a good time. I would ask around and try to find a bar that's your scene where you can feel comfortable.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2010 1:05 PM GMT
    Hey ScoobyDoobyDu,

    One of the most sensible replies I have come across over here. It helps when guys like yourself give an honest opinion/answer/reply to people's questions.

    Thanks mate. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2010 1:51 PM GMT
    johnnydssa saidI'm more wanting to learn how being gay works and talk with other gays than being with someone. Thanks.

    Here's what I did when I came out: I went to gay bars and watched & studied. I paid attention to who was successful, and who was not. I overheard what worked, and what failed. In effect, I sent myself back to school, and at first my goal wasn't to meet guys there, but to learn, a little "on the job training." And this is what you seem to be saying yourself.

    I also learned that gay bars can each have their own "rules of engagement" and it helps to know the place. For instance, you might cruise in a leather bar one way, a twink bar another way, and a professional yuppie bar yet differently. As well as dress differently, needless to say, matching yourself to the crowd. (See my second next post down)

    Another thing I'd always do when learning about a new bar was get to know the bartender, easier during less-busy hours. Then on subsequent visits I could always have someone to say hello to when I came in, and swap some words with. It often helps when guys see you appearing friendly and at home in a place, as opposed to an awkward stranger sitting glumly alone.

    Always smile and appear to be having a good time, even when you're not. Guys are more attracted to a smile, than to someone who looks unhappy and even desperate. Look casually interested in the TV, even if you could care less, but don't get distracted by it, nor by any bar-top video game machines. Likewise, playing pool is sometimes counter-productive, since most of the action takes place sitting at the bar, or at cocktail tables near it.

    As a former Army MP I also know the art of indirect surveillance. I APPEAR to be watching the bar TV, but I'm really watching YOU peripherally, and listening in. You won't catch me staring, but I see & hear everything, making my evaluations of the other guys in the place. To decide who I might approach and how, or what to do if he approaches me first.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2010 1:54 PM GMT
    Going to a bar alone can be a bit daunting. Most people are there with friends and, however confident you may be, you can end up looking and feeling rather isolated. Many bars double up as coffee shops during the day, so that is probably a better time to go. Grab a coffee and read a paper or book. It is probably a little more conducive to striking up a conversation and, as Art_Deco suggests, a good opportunity for a recce.

    Do not dismiss the internet as a means of meeting people. I have had quite a few dates from the internet. (All of them, in fact). Forget the horror stories about no-shows and guys looking nothing like their profile. It probably does happen, but it has never happened to me. Just apply common sense. You can usually tell if someone is not 'right'. Waiting and initially meeting someone can be a little tense, but it's all part of the chase. You have to make a bit of effort, that's all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2010 1:57 PM GMT
    I just love this pic that someone else posted on RJ in another thread, relevant to what I posted above.

    "How not to fit in at a gay bar"

    47964_961036383253_3204240_51377541_1249
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 12, 2010 4:27 PM GMT
    That's a great pic! I don't think I'd be making that face if I were surrounded by all those guys. Heh heh.
  • munsterguy

    Posts: 2

    Sep 15, 2010 10:01 PM GMT
    haha... great picture icon_smile.gif
  • jasen202

    Posts: 42

    Sep 16, 2010 7:40 AM GMT
    Thanks sdgman and the wordy message writer. I went to a leather bar, a regualar bar and a dance club with many people. All in one night. Each gives a different experience and rules.

    I really just want to explore and see how gay people socialize and what they talk about. My gay friend told me to relax and be myself, I'm glad because I don't want to bend myself to fit a certain gay image. I'm also taking you guys advice on joining social clubs if I can find one.

    I feel at this age, I'm a boy again discovering that world I should have beeb in. I like to get to know other gay people and make gay friends too. Going to my first bar was a man-up to it experience and I'm hoping to see more surprises.

    Thanks. I'm sorry I don't have a picture up but I'm tone and moderately built too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 16, 2010 7:48 AM GMT
    Art_Deco saidI just love this pic that someone else posted on RJ in another thread, relevant to what I posted above.

    "How not to fit in at a gay bar"

    47964_961036383253_3204240_51377541_1249


    Lol still find this a turn-on somehow icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 16, 2010 7:48 AM GMT
    someguy saidThat's a great pic! I don't think I'd be making that face if I were surrounded by all those guys. Heh heh.


    second that! icon_twisted.gif