Mom is devastated that I am gay...Help!

  • hikerC

    Posts: 170

    Sep 12, 2010 8:27 PM GMT
    Hey Guys, I finally told my parents that I am gay, and mom is devastated. We have always been close, and I know she is being as supportive as she possibly can, but I can tell that she has been crying and she has a hard time talking about it. Any advice on how to help them through this? What have you done? Will things ever be the same?

    How have your families taken it when you tell them you have feelings for another man? I wish I had done all this when I was a teenager! Ugh!
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    Sep 12, 2010 8:31 PM GMT
    she´ll get over it eventually. Does she have any other prospect for grandchildren? That can make it harder for them if she doesn´t. She´ll get there... give her time.
  • hikerC

    Posts: 170

    Sep 12, 2010 8:34 PM GMT
    Lostboy saidshe´ll get over it eventually. Does she have any other prospect for grandchildren? That can make it harder for them if she doesn´t. She´ll get there... give her time.


    Thanks for the reply! icon_smile.gif Thankfully both of my brothers have kids, my younger brother has a 12 week old, so there are grandchildren. I told them on thursday last week and they went away for the weekend, and when I saw mom today, she looked like she has been crying. I feel horrible!
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 12, 2010 8:37 PM GMT
    Just show her that you're the same man and son that she knows and loves
    She'll get over it
    It's about her preconceptions and there's really nothing that you can say to make the process any faster

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    Sep 12, 2010 8:38 PM GMT
    You are not horrible. She is just having to deal with something as a fact which she may have hidden from herself for the last 30 years. If she is religious it may take longer (ie conservative religious). My mother still sometimes refers to my "condition" and I remind her I´m not pregnant or ill. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • safety43_mma1...

    Posts: 4251

    Sep 12, 2010 8:42 PM GMT
    hey u r being honest and real. i went through it too and time is what it takes. it was with my stepmom more then my real mom but since she raised me. she was upset becuase she always wanted me to be a dad. she sees me with my nephews and nieces and just wants it so bad. so hang in there and it will be all good again with time.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 12, 2010 8:45 PM GMT


    "For the Bible Tells me so" is an excellent DVD, available on Amazon.com .


    Google PFLAG, and go from there.
    Get as much literature as you can for her to read.

    The more she reads (especially from other parents who have gone through what she's experiencing, now), the better she will feel.
  • hikerC

    Posts: 170

    Sep 12, 2010 8:51 PM GMT
    Webster666 said

    "For the Bible Tells me so" is an excellent DVD, available on Amazon.com .


    Google PFLAG, and go from there.
    Get as much literature as you can for her to read.

    The more she reads (especially from other parents who have gone through what she's experiencing, now), the better she will feel.


    I'll try that! Thanks so much!
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Sep 12, 2010 8:57 PM GMT
    You received some great advice. I'll echo what others said and just give her time. And make yourself available to answer any questions she may have.

    Like LostBoy mentioned, grandchildren is something some mothers can be concerned about. My mom was crying when my cousin had his second child because she wasn't sure if I was going to give her one. To her the prospects appear dim.

    Another concern for parents is how the world will treat their gay children. They hear how gays can be negatively treated and they don't want their children experiencing any difficulty. You have to tell the parents who feel this way that things won't get better by staying in the closet. Kids are coming out on average younger than before because they know the support is there. That's a good sign.
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    Sep 12, 2010 9:04 PM GMT
    I'm confused. I thought Canadians were all over this.
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    Sep 12, 2010 10:03 PM GMT
    Caslon15000 saidI'm confused. I thought Canadians were all over this.


    Nope, just passing thru on my way to the next thread and there's nothing I can add
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 12, 2010 10:27 PM GMT
    Give her sincere warm hugs. Remind her of special times you both had together with the family, and that you hope you'll continue to have memorable times together.

    Tell her to cry as much as she needs to, that you know that the intensity of her crying now will be as sincere as the love and support she will show for you when she comes to terms with your news. Cry with her- let her know that you are excited that you won't be deceiving people into thinking that you're straight as society forced you to do.

    Get her to realize that you're the same person you always were. Let her know that you feel liberated and relaxed, not having to hide your naturally given tendencies towards whom you really feel attracted to. Let her know that you are happy and excited that you chose to 'come-out' and that you're embarking on a new beginning in life - this time the right one for you.

    Best of luck!
  • hikerC

    Posts: 170

    Sep 12, 2010 10:50 PM GMT
    Guys, thanks for the kind advice! I have had girlfriends before, and my parents were shocked when I told them I was gay. I was pretty good at the whole "straight acting" thing. I was just miserable, and pretty good at hiding that too. It does feel good to finally be honest with everyone, but I hate seeing mom so upset. I know things will get better with time, especially when they see how happy I am. But things suck right now!

    It is really great to have a place like this to talk to other men who know exactly what I am going through!

    And, yes, Canadians are pretty accepting of this stuff, but this is a first for my little family.
  • jgymnast733

    Posts: 1783

    Sep 12, 2010 11:48 PM GMT
    I didnt really come out until i left home and was on my own, When i did come out it wasnt all that big of a deal because at that point i wasnt seeking anyones approval...IT IS WHAT IT IS........that was my approach....
    My father caught me having sex when i was about 12 with the football coach's son and he was 16, so dad already knew, if mom was upset i didnt notice, Like i said,, this is my life to live....
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    Sep 13, 2010 12:01 AM GMT
    try explaining to her what it is like being gay. it's very hard i know, but you must let her know that you are and always be the son she raised. without you in her life, it would be hell for you and mostly your mom.
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    Sep 13, 2010 12:04 AM GMT
    Hi Hiker:

    Just emphasize with her, and let her know she still has the same loving son as she has had before. Additionally, some resources in terms of literature:

    Homosexianity
    Letting Truth Win The Devastating War Between Scripture, Faith & Sexual Orientation
    by Pastor R. D. Weekly

    Jesus, The Bible, And Homosexuality
    Explode The Myths, Heal The Church
    by Jack Rogers

    Already some great advise from others.
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    Sep 13, 2010 12:07 AM GMT
    my mother was shocked too, it took her several years to get over it. she is still having a hard time, but it is getting better.... u need to give her time.
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    Sep 13, 2010 12:13 AM GMT
    My mom cried a little when I told her. She was mostly worried I would contract HIV or get gay bashed. I'm big enough to take care of myself and cautious enough not to expose myself to HIV, so their fears were allayed pretty easily.

    My parents have had my gay friends to their house, have visited the homes of some of my friends and met a couple of my exes. Your parents will come around.
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    Sep 13, 2010 12:16 AM GMT
    I am sorry to hear that you are having troubles my friend.My mom has a very difficult pesonality.She is 180 degrees different from me.I was very religious growing up and I did not tell my mom I was gay till I was thirty.I had been celibate for years and had only begun to hook with guys.My dad was dead by this point.Was she sad and disappointed and a lil disgusted?Yup.Is it my problem anymore.Nope She was just hospitalized for 5 months after being diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer.Who was at this hospital 3x a day for 3 weeks and every day the monthss after that.....me the gay boy,I have hardly any family left.So basically my opinion is this.You dont have to tell your parents you are gay..its your choice.If they are very conservative you should not throw it in their face and expect them to accept it.But at some point in life we need to start living for ourselves and if someone is gonna hate us for just being us,we need to show them the door.
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    Sep 13, 2010 12:21 AM GMT
    Have someone from your local PFLAG contact or call her.. you and she will be glad you did.. trust me!
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    Sep 13, 2010 12:23 AM GMT
    Give your mom time to process things. Im sure she secretely knew. I played it straight for years. But it wasnt until my girlfriend and I broke up when my mother realized i was gay. She never asked me....she just knew. When i came out she called and left a message on my phone telling me she loves me. Your mom will come around.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Sep 13, 2010 12:25 AM GMT
    Time. Give her lots of time, both with you and without you.
  • hikerC

    Posts: 170

    Sep 13, 2010 12:44 AM GMT
    Thanks so much for sharing your stories guys! Even though I am 36 and completely independant, my family is still #1 with me and I don't want to hurt them. I really appreciate your support!
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    Sep 13, 2010 12:47 AM GMT
    Everyone here has given a lot of valuable advice.

    I think the most important thing you can do is try to communicate with her how you feel, the journey you've taken and how you came to decide to come out, etc. Help her understand where you are coming from as best you can.

    Also, try to ask her how she's doing with things from time to time. It will be hard but I believe the communication is key to showing caring.

    Of course, time heals all. I came out to my parents 3 1/2 year ago (omg I cant believe its been that long). And in many ways its gotten better. It will get better. Keep your head up and just take things day by day.

    All the best. Its amazing what you are doing.... living your life honestly. You will be happier in the end, that's a promise.
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    Sep 13, 2010 12:50 AM GMT
    Sit down and watch Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, with her. She will be so happy with you. No more tears.