Platonic Friendships

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 14, 2010 10:04 PM GMT
    I find it hard to get strictly platonic gay friends. Somehow they always end up telling me they have feelings for me and can't hang out anymore because they want to be with me. :/


    Does anyone else have this problem?
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    Sep 15, 2010 1:40 AM GMT
    Yes - a few can be salvaged though as great friendships if they can get past being turned down. My Best friend of 5 years now is a perfect example.
  • Little_Spoon

    Posts: 1562

    Sep 15, 2010 1:41 AM GMT
    That's what you get for being attractive.
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  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Sep 15, 2010 1:44 AM GMT
    So why not make them into fuck buddies?

    After a couple of rolls in the hay things may turn platonic anyway.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2010 2:20 AM GMT
    How the hell are you supposed to know if you want to be friends with someone until you've had sex with them?
  • bmw0

    Posts: 588

    Sep 15, 2010 2:58 AM GMT
    And here i thought i was the only guy able to have friends that i haven't slept with. Actually most of my close friends i have never even seen naked. It is the stereotype that if you hang out with someone you are fucking or dating, which is pretty sad. It is possible though, if they are only interested in you for sex, what good can they really be as a friend anyway?
  • Vaughn

    Posts: 1880

    Sep 15, 2010 3:28 AM GMT
    If you reject them enough times, they often give up.
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    Sep 15, 2010 3:30 AM GMT
    I, too, have this problem. I've only been out for a couple of years, not building a group of gay guys in college. As a result, I wish I had guys just hang out with and learn from.

    Unfortunately, that doesn't seem be the case.

    I thought I made a good friend out of someone that I went on three dates with about a year ago. Throughout the year, I stressed that I valued his friendship and checked in periodically to discuss if he was okay being friends. Just two weeks ago, we had a hard conversation where he confessed his love to me and I had to once again turn him down because I felt nothing for him. It was rough and brutal.

    If anyone has any suggestions on how to make better gay friends, I'm all ears.
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    Sep 15, 2010 3:31 AM GMT
    fastfreddie saidHow the hell are you supposed to know if you want to be friends with someone until you've had sex with them?


    Hope you're kidding..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2010 3:32 AM GMT
    "Hi Steve. What a good friend you are. I enjoy being friends with you. Best friends, my friendy, friendly, friend."

    You have to define relationships or other people will define them for you.
  • Leo123

    Posts: 126

    Sep 15, 2010 3:37 AM GMT
    I'm the guy who ends up having a crush. Ok, you wanna know why..

    If you hang out with someone as friends all the time.. and you have a lot in common... and you both bond and trust each other.. and you both feel comfortable at random silence.. and you both have been doing that for a long time.. and..
    You get the point right?

    Recently, I had to put some distance from a good gay friend because basically, we were doing everything a regular couple does, except getting physical. It's very dysfunctional. I spoke to him about it and put a wall up before I got hurt. He was upset I wasn't so present anymore (meaning I was so damn right on time with my attitude).

    If you want to be friends with a gay guy, don't hang on to him for more than friends. You can't get boyfriend benefits for friendship pay.That's my rule of thumb now. In practical words, we can party together and I'll gladly listen to your problems but don't expect to have my every weekend and make this a 1-800 emotional line 'cuz you're not gonna have it. Be comfortable with your private needs.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2010 3:42 AM GMT
    Make friends with guys you're not physically attracted to. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2010 3:55 AM GMT
    i dont have any real live outside of the internet gay friends. I have a lot of friends and as far as i know they are all straight. I dont really have a desire to have a gay friend, and i dont make friends based on their sexuality, i dunno just dont really need a gay friend i guess.
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Sep 15, 2010 4:35 AM GMT
    A2rower saidI, too, have this problem. I've only been out for a couple of years, not building a group of gay guys in college. As a result, I wish I had guys just hang out with and learn from.

    Unfortunately, that doesn't seem be the case.

    I thought I made a good friend out of someone that I went on three dates with about a year ago. Throughout the year, I stressed that I valued his friendship and checked in periodically to discuss if he was okay being friends. Just two weeks ago, we had a hard conversation where he confessed his love to me and I had to once again turn him down because I felt nothing for him. It was rough and brutal.

    If anyone has any suggestions on how to make better gay friends, I'm all ears.


    My suggestion is to meet guys offline in a place that's sexually neutral. Online, guys often say that they are looking for friends. But what they do is look for guys that they are attracted to and can be friendly with... attraction first, friends later. I think everyone falls prey to that mentality in varying degrees... even those of us with the best of intentions.

    In a public setting, where people are drawn together by mutual interest that "attraction filter" disappears (at least for those genuinely looking for friends). I think it seems harder to met gay guys in public. Though, I recently realized that it's much easier because I immediately know if he's interested in talking more, once I man up and approach him. Online, there's so much waiting and guessing... 'Did I say the right thing?' 'Am I being too direct?' 'Does he like my pics?' 'Oh no, we were chatting back and forth and he suddenly stopped responding!'

    Try that (and let me know how it goes). I'm still struggling with it myself icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2010 7:43 AM GMT
    Then I must be a minority because I make lots of platonic friendships. I don't seek anything more than that and have never gotten any unwanted advances. Either that, or I'm just really bad at picking up signals.
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    Sep 15, 2010 7:53 AM GMT
    ShinyToyTrev saidI find it hard to get strictly platonic gay friends. Somehow they always end up telling me they have feelings for me and can't hang out anymore because they want to be with me. :/


    Does anyone else have this problem?


    Uhm no never lol, you lucky bastard icon_razz.gif

    lol,but seriously, I make platonic friends by the dozen, Im slightly sick of it lol
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    Sep 15, 2010 7:57 AM GMT
    amar_m said
    ShinyToyTrev saidI find it hard to get strictly platonic gay friends. Somehow they always end up telling me they have feelings for me and can't hang out anymore because they want to be with me. :/


    Does anyone else have this problem?


    Uhm no never lol, you lucky bastard icon_razz.gif

    lol,but seriously, I make platonic friends by the dozen, Im slightly sick of it lol


    So I'm not a minority here. There is at least one other person in this world like me, but I'm not sick of platonic friendships though. You can never have enough fwiends. icon_biggrin.gif
  • drypin

    Posts: 1798

    Sep 15, 2010 8:38 AM GMT
    I don't rule out the possibility that it's an issue of attractiveness, but I've also never had trouble meeting platonic gay friends. And I've never had to explicitly lay down the law that nothing was going to happen physically between us. Over the years, one or the other got a little playful, but if I didn't respond they backed off. (Which is not to say that I haven't fooled around on occasion.) One poster mentioned not only hanging out with guys you find attractive. Perhaps that's part of it. I certainly wouldn't base my decision to build a friendship on whether I find them hot or not.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2010 4:50 PM GMT
    ShinyToyTrev saidI find it hard to get strictly platonic gay friends. Somehow they always end up telling me they have feelings for me and can't hang out anymore because they want to be with me. :/


    Does anyone else have this problem?
    Why do you think I hang out with the SF2 chicks and photogs? icon_lol.gif
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    Sep 15, 2010 5:00 PM GMT
    RuggedRanger15 saidi dont have any real live outside of the internet gay friends. I have a lot of friends and as far as i know they are all straight. I dont really have a desire to have a gay friend, and i dont make friends based on their sexuality, i dunno just dont really need a gay friend i guess.


    Evey time you post something it sounds like you hate yourself for being gay, hate other gay people, and have a really ignorant understanding of life.
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    Sep 15, 2010 5:22 PM GMT
    Based what has already been said here, I think people 'fall' for you when. as MunchingZombie said, you don't define the friendship and express that definition to the friend.

    However, if you can't be friends anymore with someone for this reason, then it seems you don't want to put in the effort of a good friend and be straightforward with him.

    Many friendships develop from (or temporarily into) crushes. It's no reason to end the friendship if they are worthwhile men. I'd developed crushes on friends in the past and knew that it wouldn't work in that realm because any one of a number of factors (i.e. they were straight, in a relationship already, or I wasn't their 'type.') Why does a good friendship have to end because of an issue that can be easily dealt with.

    Someone, many years ago, had such a crush on me that lasted a few years. I'm thankful that it didn't ruin what turned into a decades-long friendship.

    I don't think that the only difference between a friendship and a lover is sex. A friend is (to me, at least) someone who will tell you the truth about yourself even when you don't want to hear it. A friend has the option of dispassionate objectivity. There's an ability for a friend to do this exactly because you aren't sleeping together. During these trying times when such an issue would come up, a friend can read you the riot act and then put some temporary distance between you and him so that you can regroup. That's not always possible with a partner that you live with (unless, of course, you live in separate homes or have more than one home or other resources to allow you to deal with the issue at hand.)
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    Sep 15, 2010 5:45 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie said"Hi Steve. What a good friend you are. I enjoy being friends with you. Best friends, my friendy, friendly, friend."

    You have to define relationships or other people will define them for you.


    Bingo. Other than the occasional friend turned psycho stalker, I've never had any problems keeping a large circle of platonic friends.
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    Sep 15, 2010 5:51 PM GMT
    chrixx said
    amar_m said
    ShinyToyTrev saidI find it hard to get strictly platonic gay friends. Somehow they always end up telling me they have feelings for me and can't hang out anymore because they want to be with me. :/


    Does anyone else have this problem?


    Uhm no never lol, you lucky bastard icon_razz.gif

    lol,but seriously, I make platonic friends by the dozen, Im slightly sick of it lol


    So I'm not a minority here. There is at least one other person in this world like me, but I'm not sick of platonic friendships though. You can never have enough fwiends. icon_biggrin.gif


    True your right I phrased it wrong.. I meant to say I woulndt mind a non-platonic friend for once, but they always seem to turn platonic with me :-S
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    Sep 15, 2010 5:53 PM GMT
    Leo123 said
    If you want to be friends with a gay guy, don't hang on to him for more than friends. You can't get boyfriend benefits for friendship pay.


    Hmmm, I dont get this t all, I do the same with my friends I did with my bf... except with my bf I would get physical more often icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2010 6:05 PM GMT
    This is part of the reason I don't have many friends. It seems 2 gay men can't be nonsexual friends if one is attracted to the other and I have trouble seperating sex and love. I can't fuck someone and let it just be a physical act that means nothing. Women annoy the hell out of me. It seems that regardless of your relationship with them they hold you responsible for thier happiness and emotional state.