I'm getting assaulted severely on the social front.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 15, 2010 9:28 PM GMT
    I had a conflict with this guy a few years back. I attempted to find a resolution to the differences between us and it backed fired with him on the offense again. This is a person who will be incredibly nice to your face but will be vicious and dishonest to your back, at least mine anyway.

    That was back in 2008. Also around that time I started seeing someone and have been in a relationship ever since so I haven't been nearly as active in keeping up with the gay social circuit here in Chicago there for I haven't been able to defend myself. However this person has been incredibly active. He and his best friend have clearly focused their efforts to false rumors about me. The stories that are now circulating around about me around are incredibly vicious and wide spread that it has made it nearly impossible for to start fresh new friendships with anyone in the community with common interests, acquaintances are no longer willing to talk to me or greet me with such apprehension that I can see no way to recover from it or prove myself in the right.

    I've been trying to hold out and not address the things he has said to people about me. Thinking that if I am myself and continuously kind and positive that it will turn things around but it has become too much. It's amazing how many people this person has gotten to. I cannot really turn in any direction without having to deal with this and it is incredibly painful.

    I'm just distraught. I don't know what to do to fix this.
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    Sep 15, 2010 9:47 PM GMT
    This guy must really have it in for you. Do you actually know what lies he is telling about you? Have any of your friends heard what he is saying? Have they come to you and questioned the validity of these rumors?
    Depending on the nature of the deed, I would make myself (and your partner) a little more visible on the social front, so that others will see that what this guy is spreading is unfounded.
    And as far as establishing new friends... if they gauge their opinion of you on hearsay, then I would think you wouldn't want them as friends anyway.
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    Sep 15, 2010 10:03 PM GMT
    People who just take someone else's word arent worth having as friends. I am surprised that you and the other fellow have such large and coincidental circles of friends that you can be excluded like that.
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    Sep 16, 2010 4:38 AM GMT
    I'd just ignore it. He's hyperfocused on destroying your rep for so long that the only conclusion that can be drawn is that he must really be a miserable asshole with absolutely nothing to offer the world. In a sick way it's almost kind of flattering, he seems pretty infatuated with the idea of getting to you for whatever reason he may have. However, people with lives don't behave like that. The people who buy into it aren't people you want in your life. I mean he's been stuck on the same gossip for 2 years...normal people who see light other than strobe lights don't keep feeding into that do they honestly? Most would see right through it I'd imagine.

    I can understand you being distraught, but really you're not going to fix it...it's not about anything you did. It's about him having some sort of drama to center his life around and unfortunately you happen to be it. If you get sucked into it then he has power over you. Screw it, it's not worth it. If you can let it go, then you're going to wind up looking way better than him anyway.
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    Sep 16, 2010 5:03 PM GMT
    @ Friendsrbetter: I agree with your advice. Too bad my boyfriend absolutely HATES going to bars. I'm on my own to turn the tied on this one.

    Thanks for the feedback. I hope people will see that he is really a jerk but he is pretty good at playing the people around him and acting innocent. To the people he's talking to, he makes it look like he is just sharing "his experience" for the sake of conversation.

    Wasn't this type of garage supposed to subside when I became a grown up?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Sep 16, 2010 5:10 PM GMT
    If someone chooses to believe a rumor about you than to actually talk to you, then you are probably better off not having them as a 'friend'.
  • Sk8Tex

    Posts: 738

    Sep 16, 2010 5:14 PM GMT
    Just see this for what it really is, a test to find out who your true friends are.

    But just out of curiosity...whats the backstory on this? What started it and why, and what are the rumors if you wouldnt mind sharing that....
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    Sep 16, 2010 5:26 PM GMT
    You seem to skip over the 'conflict' bit of this story and focus on the aftermath. There are usually two sides to every story and I am left wondering if you have not brought this trouble upon yourself. Of course, you may be entirely innocent; but you have not given us the full facts and we are therefore not in a position to give you any sort of good advice (other than to get out of town).
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    Sep 16, 2010 5:34 PM GMT
    For what it's worth, it sounds like you have moved on with your life and this other guy hasn't and clearly needs therapy. This "social scene," you speak of sounds silly, stupid, and pointless. Take it as a sign that you are beyond wasting time & energy on such dumb things; look elsewhere for a social outlet, take the high road, but don't hesitate to defend yourself if any rumors come back to you.
    Good luck
  • Geoedward

    Posts: 657

    Sep 16, 2010 5:35 PM GMT
    I agree with what the guys have said so far. I was once in the same situation. When my partner and I met, we clicked from the beginning. He had an ex that was not ready to let go. He and his friends started spreading some nasty shit about me. Norm, my partner chose to ignore them. And here we are 22 years later. The thing is I did lose a few friends from the rumors. Norm did as well. But you have to know that the friends that we/You lost were never your friends in the first place. If they were they wouldn't listen to the bullshit or at least they would talk to you about it. As far as starting fresh new friendships with anyone in the community with common interests, acquaintances goes, if they are listening to the rumors going around and not trying to get to know you guys they simply are not worth getting to know. You are in a relationship so getting to know other guys is even harder. Try meeting people in other areas other then the bars. Are there no gay sports clubs, or group activities that you and your partner can get involved with? It will get better. You just need to start new. I really don't think the bar scene is a good place to start when you are in a relationship. Unfortunately there will always be haters. Good Luck, George
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2010 5:49 PM GMT
    ‎"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."~Dr. Seuss icon_idea.gificon_rolleyes.gif
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    Sep 16, 2010 5:58 PM GMT
    Do people actually tell you what the rumors are? Are you sure it's really these rumors that are causing people to keep their distance from you vs., maybe, your social skills? Not trying to be an arse, but adults aren't that naive and if someone is focusing so much effort on bashing another, they usually see right through it and realize it's a farce.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Sep 16, 2010 6:06 PM GMT
    Watch the original version movie of Carrie and get some ideas... icon_twisted.gif
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    Sep 16, 2010 6:07 PM GMT
    Mil8 saidYou seem to skip over 'the conflict' bit of this story and focus on the aftermath. There are usually two sides to every story and I am left wondering if you have not brought this trouble upon yourself. Of course, you may be entirely innocent; however, you have not given us the full facts and we are therefore not in a position to give you any sort of good advice (other than to get out of town).


    It is quite ridiculous if you think about it. He was the strongest player in the section of a concert band that I joined. It would be an endless story to explain how bands/orchestras work in terms of ability and the corresponding responsibility and opportunity that that presents. I came and I was the new strongest player by quite a bit. I trained to be a professional for most of my developmental years and had some serious training from the best in the field. It gives me a significant edge.

    I can only theorize but I think that he resented the fact that he was no longer the leader/strongest player. That is when he started with the passive aggressive behavior and it culminated with him leaving the ensemble after conspiring to attempt to exclude me from some performance opportunities that would have otherwise gone my direction first.

    It's not your typical romance story gone bad!
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    Sep 16, 2010 8:56 PM GMT
    Timberoo saidIf someone chooses to believe a rumor about you than to actually talk to you, then you are probably better off not having them as a 'friend'.


    Totally agree...! Sounds like the bar scene in Chicago can be pretty bitchy!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2010 9:04 PM GMT
    JG773 said...
    It would be an endless story to explain how bands/orchestras work in terms of ability and the corresponding responsibility and opportunity that that presents.
    ...
    Uh, no it wouldn't! I wanted to tear the guy's eyeballs out who replaced me as First Trumpet! icon_lol.gif

    Now I understand your dilemma. Embrace it. It's nothing but advertising for you...if you play your cards right and be the bigger man. Otherwise it could be your downfall if you get too defensive and become the jaded asshole.