To the people that aren't out of the closet yet...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 16, 2010 5:07 AM GMT
    What goes through your head when you encounter an openly gay person?

    Are you scared/nervous that they are going to find out about your little "secret" with their magical gaydar?

    Do you want to pounce on them and start asking questions about being openly gay and coming out?

    Are you jealous of them?

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    Sep 16, 2010 5:31 AM GMT
    none of the above. probably smile say hi and treat them like anyone else...keithicon_cool.gif
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    Sep 16, 2010 6:32 AM GMT
    Lenoxx saidWhat goes through your head when you encounter an openly gay person?

    Are you scared/nervous that they are going to find out about your little "secret" with their magical gaydar?

    Do you want to pounce on them and start asking questions about being openly gay and coming out?

    Are you jealous of them?




    What makes you think that a gay men in the closet will be jealous of an openly gay man? l was never in the closet but I never discussed my sexuality with my parents or anyone else, not until I first found someone worth having a relationship with!! ever since I can remember I have always being monogamous oriented even as a gay teen!

    I never felt the need to tell anyone about my sexuality until I was able to be a part of a monogamous relationship with my first boyfriend of three years after my senior year in High School. It wasn't until we broke up that I was comfortable and ready enough to accept my gayness and tell everyone else that I felt confident enough a relationship with a man was possible and worth my while. A lot of gay men aren't necessarily closeted because they are afraid of how others might judge them, but because they can't find someone worth it to be in love with then just for sex alone.


    Leandro ♥
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    Sep 16, 2010 11:24 AM GMT
    Nothing really, just that one day am going to be free too.
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    Sep 16, 2010 11:31 AM GMT
    20 something years ago when I was married to a woman I would come across openly gay men and say to myself...if only I had been younger, if only I had been more brave, etc.

    One day with nothing causing it.. I burst out of the closet and never looked back. That is just one way ..my way and it did work for me
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Sep 16, 2010 11:32 AM GMT
    Prior to being out, I used to be very nervous around them, thinking they'd figure me out in seconds. Now, out to a ton of friends and family, I'm not nervous at all, but realize there was little to worry about. They often don't realize I'm gay.
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    Sep 16, 2010 11:47 AM GMT
    What goes through my head?

    Sometimes I wonder if, had the openly gay person's genes been different (whatever...) and he were born straight, if he would still wear his sexuality on his sleeve. Is being openly gay brave and heroic (again, whatever...) or just a personality trait (and I mean the "openly" part)?

    That is what would go through my head.
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    Sep 16, 2010 11:58 AM GMT
    Lenoxx saidWhat goes through your head when you encounter an openly gay person?

    Are you scared/nervous that they are going to find out about your little "secret" with their magical gaydar?

    Do you want to pounce on them and start asking questions about being openly gay and coming out?

    Are you jealous of them?



    I am NOT afraid that they're openly gay, but if flamingly gay then I get a bit uncomfortable.

    No actually I'd prefer it if they found out - but not to go shouting it out to everyone. It would give me a friend to talk to

    Nope, at this point of time I would say no to the pouncing, but I am known to ask extremely blunt and awkward questions to people at times regardless of sex or sexual orientation.

    Not really jealous that they're openly gay, perhaps would be jealous about other aspects of their life. I know that my time will come, and I'm just learning to discover myself at the moment.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Sep 16, 2010 12:07 PM GMT
    Lenoxx saidWhat goes through your head when you encounter an openly gay person?

    Are you scared/nervous that they are going to find out about your little "secret" with their magical gaydar?

    Do you want to pounce on them and start asking questions about being openly gay and coming out?

    Are you jealous of them?

    i think this has to be one of the dumbest post ever. but i will answer your ridiculous post anyway. when i meet openly gay people i say hi.

    Are you scared/nervous that they are going to find out about your little "secret" with their magical gaydar? no because i don't have any dirty secrets other than i slept with your mother. i don't think they would know that by just looking at me. if they do, they are psychic.

    Do you want to pounce on them and start asking questions about being openly gay and coming out? no but they are anything like you i avoid them like i do most ignorant people.

    Are you jealous of them?
    why would i be jealous? i don't them and therefore they have no baring on my life.
    wow, you are a idiot
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    Sep 16, 2010 12:25 PM GMT
    Thank you to bigsmiles & jlly_rnchr for actually understanding my post and the other guys.

    ohh! and also tuffguyndc for replying to my "dumb" post. Usually when people don't like a post they just ignore it. Just like how I didn't even bother to read the rest of your reply after the first sentence. icon_wink.gif
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    Sep 16, 2010 12:30 PM GMT
    Bigsmiles said20 something years ago when I was married to a woman I would come across openly gay men and say to myself...if only I had been younger, if only I had been more brave, etc.

    One day with nothing causing it.. I burst out of the closet and never looked back. That is just one way ..my way and it did work for me


    That's what happened to me, too.
  • tuffguyndc

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    Sep 16, 2010 12:30 PM GMT
    Lenoxx said Thank you to bigsmiles & jlly_rnchr for actually understanding my post and the other guys.

    ohh! and also tuffguyndc for replying to my "dumb" post. Usually when people don't like a post they just ignore it. Just like how I didn't even bother to read the rest of your reply after the first sentence. icon_wink.gif
    yes but you responded and even mention my name. ha ha ha
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    Sep 16, 2010 3:30 PM GMT
    I hope one day"out of the closet" will be pointless.


    As for admiring 'openly' gay men, I guess it depends on how they present their sexuality.

    Choosing with whom to share ones sexual adventures is different than being closeted.
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    Sep 16, 2010 3:37 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc said
    Lenoxx said Thank you to bigsmiles & jlly_rnchr for actually understanding my post and the other guys.

    ohh! and also tuffguyndc for replying to my "dumb" post. Usually when people don't like a post they just ignore it. Just like how I didn't even bother to read the rest of your reply after the first sentence. icon_wink.gif
    yes but you responded and even mention my name. ha ha ha


    You're a douchebag. There's no reason to burn the OP for this post AT ALL.

    Man, I remember that me as a totally closeted kid was around my 2 (very flamy) gay coworkers, and how I used to cringe inside at the thought that they might figure me out, and at the same time being extremely uncomfortable around their limp wrists, making me think that it as either stay in the closet or turn out like that.

    Even worse, I was taken to a gay bar once when I supposedly was "straight" to everybody. The feeling of being locked up was pretty significant I can tell you, and the emotional rumbling it caused deep beneath the surface was also pretty significant.

    So I'm sure the post is very relevant and recognizable to many of us.

    So tuffguyndc (you like hearing your name apparently), you're being a total douche to the OP for no reason.
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    Sep 16, 2010 3:42 PM GMT
    Flipping the question, when I meet closeted folks online I immediately block them. While I pity them to an extent, I refuse to act as an enabler to all their garbage. Yes, many queers and their bad behavior make me cringe, too, but, folks with bad behavior make me cringe, period.

    From my personal experience, I'm not willing to deal with all the mental baggage, lying, guilt, games, that closeted folks put upon themselves. I want NOTHING to do with them.

    To me, sexuality is a SMALL part of my life. It's mostly a non-issue except with whomever I've having sex with.

    Some queers think that because that they identify as "gay" they've automatically got a pass for bad behavior and good judgment...not at our house. Regardless of your sexuality, if you behave badly (that includes being a closet case and all the useless baggage that entails), you're going to get rejected. We exercise sound judgment in whom we choose to call our friends and business partners, and really don't give a hoot about who you fuck, but...if you're dishonest, a game player, and self-loathing,...those are all traits we want NOTHING to do with.

    Lying is not something someone should have as part and parcel of their existence and we actually work to discourage that and distance ourselves from those kinds of folks (closeted).
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    Sep 16, 2010 3:48 PM GMT
    chuckystud said Some queers think that because that they identify as "gay" they've automatically got a pass for bad behavior and good judgment...


    chuckystud saidwhen I meet closeted folks online I immediately block them


    Yup. How right you are.
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    Sep 16, 2010 3:49 PM GMT
    Would this question apply to those that were out, but then went back into the closet?
  • CuriousJockAZ

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    Sep 16, 2010 3:49 PM GMT
    chuckystud saidFlipping the question, when I meet closeted folks online I immediately block them. While I pity them to an extent, I refuse to act as an enabler to all their garbage. Yes, many queers and their bad behavior make me cringe, too, but, folks with bad behavior make me cringe, period.

    From my personal experience, I'm not willing to deal with all the mental baggage, lying, guilt, games, that closeted folks put upon themselves. I want NOTHING to do with them.




    Awwww, now c'mon, Chucky....closeted guys need love too icon_lol.gif I remember all too well the confusion, angst, and fear prior to coming out. It's simply easier for some than others, and people come to terms with their own sexuality and gain the confidence to share that with others in their own time.
  • handsoffire

    Posts: 178

    Sep 16, 2010 3:56 PM GMT
    While I Can understand some folks choices, I refuse to co-sign bull shit that's based in fear. And that's all the closet ever was for me and it's all I ever see it built out of. As long as we are afraid the nameless "them" will always have power over "you/us". As long as we're faceless then no one will care about our rights, our lives or what we bring to the table aside from our bedroom habits.

    And yeah, I tend to avoid them once recognized. Self loathing and fear mongering are just so turn offs.
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    Sep 16, 2010 4:00 PM GMT
    Well, unlike others here who have NO tolerance for others that are unlike themselves, I've been on that side and know what it's like. Fortunately, today's society makes it easier to avoid ending up closeted to begin with but those who do, are not always aware of who they are until their life decisions have placed them into a situation where coming out and walking away is either easy or advisable for many reasons. Narrow minded individuals who are not willing to deal with all the mental baggage, lying, guilt, games, that closeted folks endure, clearly in my opinion, have no clue what these folks go through and what their situation is.

    My experience when encountering another gay person is one of question, intrigue and comparison. Wondering what it's like to be totally out, intrigued with how they live their life and if it's different day to day and then comparing how I "am" and "feel" with how they appear to be.

    I think most closeted guys I've associated with are extremely scared. This is what keeps most of them in the closeted. Fear of losing family, friends, finances. Uncertainty about a life style that is foreign. There are many aspects of coming out, especially when older, that create fear. I'd also say that most of the ones I've dealt with are very happy after they've come out and they've shed the yoke of living a life they really can't embrace.

    Questions are abundant. I personally reach out to married guys who struggle with who they are and how/when to come out just for this reason. I embrace questions from them so they know they have a trusted friend to ask questions, hear my story and have a shoulder to cry on. I don't think they're jealous as much as envious.

    For those that don't know anyone who's been through this process (particularly a married guy), let me tell you that it is probably the MOST difficult thing a guy can do. If it were as easy as just saying 'I'm gay' and that's it, it would be nice but it's not and most of us that have or will go through this process suffer emotionally, mentally and physically until we've been able to reach a point where we can begin to live our lives as the gay men we are.
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    Sep 16, 2010 4:05 PM GMT
    As far i know, openly gay people think very good about themselves, they express themselves very good and very communicative. I will be glad when i encounter an openly gay person..I will only get inspired. I feel like i am the bird and i am out of a cage with joy to discuss gay issues. I will certainly ask their story of coming out. I will openly talk about my gay issues too.
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    Sep 16, 2010 4:05 PM GMT
    When I see someone openly gay I wonder if they are happy with their life outta their closet. While I'm in mine I'm comfortable and I really don't think I need to leave it.

    Other gays figure me out sometimes but I don't make it a point to be another gay friend just because we have 1 thing in common. Especially in the military, for some reason they think that because we have this 'dirty little secret' were automatically friends. Only thing that worries me is when DADT is repealed will these same guys who IMO are flamers out me. Although my job won't be in jeopardy anymore there still are plenty of guys in the military who are ready to kick the first "open queer" ass they see. This is what I hear on the daily.

    No questions to guys who are open, I applaud them on their courage to live their life free but I also see the harassment and abuse they suffer also and I realize that being open sometimes is a dual edge sword, so the jealously isn't their at all.
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    Sep 16, 2010 4:08 PM GMT
    sbp9470 saidWould this question apply to those that were out, but then went back into the closet?


    nahh to anyone pretty much.
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    Sep 16, 2010 4:24 PM GMT
    eb925guy saidWell, unlike others here who have NO tolerance for others that are unlike themselves, I've been on that side and know what it's like. Fortunately, today's society makes it easier to avoid ending up closeted to begin with but those who do, are not always aware of who they are until their life decisions have placed them into a situation where coming out and walking away is either easy or advisable for many reasons. Narrow minded individuals who are not willing to deal with all the mental baggage, lying, guilt, games, that closeted folks endure, clearly in my opinion, have no clue what these folks go through and what their situation is.

    My experience when encountering another gay person is one of question, intrigue and comparison. Wondering what it's like to be totally out, intrigued with how they live their life and if it's different day to day and then comparing how I "am" and "feel" with how they appear to be.

    I think most closeted guys I've associated with are extremely scared. This is what keeps most of them in the closeted. Fear of losing family, friends, finances. Uncertainty about a life style that is foreign. There are many aspects of coming out, especially when older, that create fear. I'd also say that most of the ones I've dealt with are very happy after they've come out and they've shed the yoke of living a life they really can't embrace.

    Questions are abundant. I personally reach out to married guys who struggle with who they are and how/when to come out just for this reason. I embrace questions from them so they know they have a trusted friend to ask questions, hear my story and have a shoulder to cry on. I don't think they're jealous as much as envious.

    For those that don't know anyone who's been through this process (particularly a married guy), let me tell you that it is probably the MOST difficult thing a guy can do. If it were as easy as just saying 'I'm gay' and that's it, it would be nice but it's not and most of us that have or will go through this process suffer emotionally, mentally and physically until we've been able to reach a point where we can begin to live our lives as the gay men we are.


    While your points are well taken, you need to understand that the fear you speak of is self-generated, often based upon false belief systems, and, is in the most part in the mind of the closet case.

    You don't fix a weak part by coddling it. You rehab, and prehab, it. You train it into, through, and beyond any pain. In general, life / fear is like that: you look it in the eye, walk into it, through it, and above and beyond. When you coddle closet cases, and sympathize with their imaginary obstacles, you only make them weaker, which is a HUGE DISSERVICE to them.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19133

    Sep 16, 2010 4:30 PM GMT
    chuckystud said When you coddle closet cases, and sympathize with their imaginary obstacles, you only make them weaker, which is a HUGE DISSERVICE to them.



    I disagree that closet cases are dealing with "imaginary obstacles". They are not necessarily "imaginary", in fact, for many the obstacles are very real whether it be family, work-related, religious upbringing, or one's own self worth. These are no small things. Perhaps in your own experience, Chucky, they were not, however in other's lives (and everyone's experience is unique and comes with its own set of factors and "obstacles") the journey towards coming to terms with one's own sexuality and then stepping out of the closet can be full of turmoil, fear, and confusion -- not imagined, but very real.