Where are the gay guys who aren't much into dancing?

  • hartfan

    Posts: 1037

    Sep 16, 2010 7:32 AM GMT
    The "Do gays like rock" thread got me thinking. I don't enjoy dancing much, especially not to the electronic/pop music always played in clubs nowadays. Though I have been to these places, usually to accompany friends, I hardly enjoy their atmosphere and the inherent difficulty in carrying on a conversation with someone else there.

    Why is it that you must dance and embrace this atmosphere in order to socialize with most other gay men? I much prefer chilling out in a bar with a nice band, but I haven't found any gay bars like this (or even have such a night). I know some would say, "go to a straight bar", but why can't gay men socialize in such a setting? Why is it that when I tell gay people dancing is not my thing and I don't enjoy such music, I am met with disbelief, ridicule and ostracism? I am not putting down those who love this form of entertainment, nor am I averse to being exposed to it, but must I be made to feel like a pariah if I don't conform to it? Why do gay guys have to use "gay cred", whatever it encompasses, as a discriminatory tool?

    I know there are many gay guys who find other ways of entertainment, and it looks like there are a number of them on here. I do not believe that not particularly enjoying dancing makes me boring, lame or undesirable. There are many other aspects to human personality (or "gay" personality, for that matter). Why do many gay men let this define who they are, and use it to judge others?

    Ok, rant over. I'm sure this topic has been done before, so I apologize for being lame. I'd like to hear some of your thoughts though. Thanks.

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    Sep 16, 2010 7:35 AM GMT
    i enjoy dancing but i'm very bad at it
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    Sep 16, 2010 7:43 AM GMT
    hartfan saidI know some would say, "go to a straight bar", but why can't gay men socialize in such a setting?

    Um...gay men CAN socialize in such a setting. Go to any kind of bar that plays your kind of music and enjoy it. Why make an issue about it?
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    Sep 16, 2010 10:35 AM GMT
    It's not that I'm not into dancing - it's that I suck at it. Well, unless I have a few drinks, then I think I'm the world's best. icon_lol.gif
  • slimnmuscly

    Posts: 541

    Sep 16, 2010 12:52 PM GMT
    I think the biggest factor might have less to do with where gay men are willing to go than the costs and risks involved in starting and running any kind of nightlife establishment -- especially one catering to a minority. In some cities where the gay community is large enough, there are places that play different kinds of music -- for example here in Houston, the Brazos River Bottom caters to country fans, because there are enough of them here. There will also be Latin nights catering to the Hispanic community, and I've often heard of cities having a gay hip-hop night. I remember a couple bars in San Francisco that played rock and heavy metal. Of course, SF has a huge gay population, and it's easier for guys who aren't into electronic dance music to congegrate with like-minded people.

    Maybe you should look into throwing the kind of party you'd like to attend in your area. Do some homework on event planning and promotion and find a bar (gay or a straight one willing to have a gay night) that would be willing to let you plan a one-night event on what would normally be one of its slow nights. You might be able to show that there's a demand for just what you're looking for and eventually it might pick up enough traction to become a more regular event. A lot of great new ventures start with people saying "why aren't there any _________?" -- as long as the people saying it are willing to do more than just talk. If you want such a thing, get to work on such a thing.



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    Sep 16, 2010 1:20 PM GMT
    I'm with slimnmuscly, there's probably a bar/place that has a specific night for gay guys of a certain type, like Bear nights or Asian or make your own up.
  • Sk8Tex

    Posts: 738

    Sep 16, 2010 3:55 PM GMT
    Hmm maybe there is a trend here lol, I also dont really enjoy dancing (mainly cus I look like Elaine from Seinfeld when I try to...) so I tend to stay away from the teenybopper type club music atmospheres.

    Whats the point of going there with someone if you cant have a conversation with them? My friends are always hounding me to go to some of the popular clubs here in San Diego...like Richs & Numbers but I always say the same thing. "If I have to shout to talk to the person sitting next to me, im not going."

    I think the popularity of dance clubs is because for one its an atmosphere with sexual overtones (whether youd like to admit it or not) and what do gay guys love? And two I suspect it may be more geared towards people who have difficulty socializing. Lastly because it is a form of exercise and like all other forms of exercise, it causes chemicals to be released from the brain which changes your mood and makes you feel good.

    I have already found my niche, at the quiet lil Tequila bar/Restaraunt called Baja Betty's...sometimes it can get a little noisy and packed but I cant say I have ever had to shout at the person next to me, and for that I love it. (Plus Jake is freakin cute and makes the best Pama Margaritas...everrr!) Sports bars arent too bad either if you can enjoy a game of pool with friends...that might be an alternative for you.
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    Sep 16, 2010 4:11 PM GMT
    dancing is gay
  • Geoedward

    Posts: 657

    Sep 16, 2010 4:19 PM GMT
    My partner and I love dancing. I love music and when I heat it I have to move. My mom said I came out of her dancing. She said as soon as I heard music, I would perk up and my body would move with the beat. I still am a pretty good dancer. We only get to do it a couple times a year at clubs. We dance around a lot at home.
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    Sep 16, 2010 4:21 PM GMT
    Where they go?



    To the liquor store.
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    Sep 16, 2010 4:23 PM GMT
    I enjoy dancing and i dance like a crazy soul...I met my love once while dancing..icon_smile.gif

  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    Sep 16, 2010 4:25 PM GMT
    It can be fun to go out dancing. And who said u can't have a conversation at a night club? I do all the time. I think the thing is in order to talk to someone u have to get right up into there ear and talk, almost like ur about give the other person a kiss. It's a reason to get super close to someone. So that the can hear u, which may lead to making out, etc

    But yeah dancing is for queers
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    Sep 16, 2010 5:05 PM GMT
    Yea....I'm a terrible dancer but I go out with friends and we find a nice spot to sit and socialize.

    Honestly, the best way to meet people is with friends.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11838

    Sep 16, 2010 5:09 PM GMT
    Dude...dancing is a form of flirtation.....Personally I dance like a str8 guy but a few drinks in me...what the hell....BUD
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    Sep 16, 2010 5:11 PM GMT
    Im quite fond of dancing. Good at it too. Most the time I have have the club watching. And yes I stay fully dressed. However, I hate hate hate hate gay club music. Most the time I just hear the beat and make up the rest in my head. Plus its great cardio!
  • IdkMyBffJill

    Posts: 148

    Sep 16, 2010 5:32 PM GMT
    Yeah, I can't and don't enjoy dancing. It's weird.

    It makes for awkwward situations because it ultimately leads to people thinking you are shy/grumpy/disinterested.
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    Sep 16, 2010 5:33 PM GMT
    I hate to dance... Ask me to do gymnastics, capoeira, martial arts, or choreography and I'm awesome. Ask me to dance.... Not so much.
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    Sep 16, 2010 5:35 PM GMT
    mybud saidDude...dancing is a form of flirtation.....Personally I dance like a str8 guy but a few drinks in me...what the hell....BUD


    aaww you are my kinda guy..love to dance with you ha.
  • hartfan

    Posts: 1037

    Sep 16, 2010 6:50 PM GMT
    Thanks for all the replies, guys. I really appreciate hearing all the different views, even if I don't necessarily agree with all of them.

    IdkMyBffJill saidYeah, I can't and don't enjoy dancing. It's weird.

    It makes for awkwward situations because it ultimately leads to people thinking you are shy/grumpy/disinterested.


    Thanks for saying it better than I could have. I've tried to dance, but just couldn't get into it, only to be castigated by some acquaintances (and people I've just met) for not trying hard enough and being stuck up. At least the couple friends I usually go with don't give me a hard time, but they're usually too in the zone to pay much attention to me anyway. I'm always happy they get to enjoy themselves as that's what they're there for, and I do try to stay out of the way to avoid being a buzzkill.

    Snowlost_Rex saidI hate to dance... Ask me to do gymnastics, capoeira, martial arts, or choreography and I'm awesome. Ask me to dance.... Not so much.


    Same here. Not just I'm bad at it, I don't like doing it. And it's worse when the music is something I can't get into. Once I've brought my iPod to the club to help me get into it, but the music was so loud I couldn't hear my iPod at all without suffering permanent hearing loss. And unfortunately, I haven't learned how to tune out all the external noise from my head.

    Import saidIt can be fun to go out dancing. And who said u can't have a conversation at a night club? I do all the time. I think the thing is in order to talk to someone u have to get right up into there ear and talk, almost like ur about give the other person a kiss. It's a reason to get super close to someone. So that the can hear u, which may lead to making out, etc


    I am aware of the seemingly sexually heightened situations at clubs. However, I don't make out with a stranger I just had a few shouted words with. Perhaps I'm an anachronism, but taking it slow is how relationships work for me. If I rush into things just because that's what everyone else expects or does, I'm doing myself and the other person a disservice by not being genuine about it. I am not going to treat someone differently just because it's a club. If I only just met the guy a few minutes ago, I am going to respect his boundaries and his space. If there's a connection that will last, I believe it will happen without that initial physical contact at the club, or at least that's the type of connection I'm looking for.

    Most of the time though, I just want to get to know someone, not because he's eye candy, but because I'm genuinely interested in getting to know another person. I guess that's my gripe. Why must many gay people at these clubs only relate and interact with each other in a sexual manner? Many of the non-club avenues for socializing with other gay men attract at best a tiny fraction of the people at clubs. Why is it that many of us are still defining what it means to be gay by sexual interaction at clubs? This isn't about Stonewall and the history of the movement and finding solidarity or freedom any more. The few (albeit slowing growing number of) people who are saying, "you don't have to only identify yourself this way if you're gay", are still ridiculed and ignored by the people they are fighting for, while more people than ever have come to accept and understand LGBT people.

    slimnmuscly saidMaybe you should look into throwing the kind of party you'd like to attend in your area. Do some homework on event planning and promotion and find a bar (gay or a straight one willing to have a gay night) that would be willing to let you plan a one-night event on what would normally be one of its slow nights. You might be able to show that there's a demand for just what you're looking for and eventually it might pick up enough traction to become a more regular event. A lot of great new ventures start with people saying "why aren't there any _________?" -- as long as the people saying it are willing to do more than just talk. If you want such a thing, get to work on such a thing.


    I have requested the DJ at different places at different times to just humor me and play one song that I like. Most of the time he looked at me like I'm crazy. The last time one DJ complied, it seemed to kill the mood, so I didn't try again so as not to spoil others' evenings.

    But your suggestion has a lot of merit. I will look into that, if I can get any support from people. Thank you.
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    Sep 16, 2010 10:19 PM GMT
    i have to be dragged onto the floor to dance haha
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    Sep 16, 2010 10:26 PM GMT
    I never think I like to dance, until the music starts ......and then......I got da music inme, i got da music inme.....i love to shake it....as long as it has a good beat, i tap my ass off......keithicon_cool.gif
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    Sep 16, 2010 10:40 PM GMT
    Why not go to a bar instead of a club? You live outside of Detroit and there are a dozen gay bars and clubs in the area for you to choose from.

    If the problem is that your friends enjoy dancing and you don't then you are going to ask that you go somewhere else occasionally and just suck it up the other times.

    If the problem is that you are attracted to guys around your age and they mostly go to the club, again, suck it up. Nothing you can do about it. It isn't that "you must dance and embrace this atmosphere in order to socialize with most other gay men" it is that you must in order to meet guys you are attracted to as other bars with other scenes are out there.

    You say "I much prefer chilling out in a bar with a nice band," but I have never seen a gay venue with live music that didn't involve a DJ, drag queens, or a Fake Book. Perhaps they do exist, but that is the price you pay to live where you do.

    All you can do it do your best to enjoy what what you can in a less than ideal situation. Everyone else does.
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    Sep 16, 2010 10:43 PM GMT
    no one sucks at dancing you just think you cant dance.I LOVE DANCING and i can teach anyone for a pizza a lesson lmfao
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    Sep 16, 2010 11:18 PM GMT
    Without a doubt I am NOT a fan of dance clubs or dancing. Weird things is I am a GREAT dancer with good moves.
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    Sep 16, 2010 11:49 PM GMT
    It's not that i don't like to dance or that I can't, I just really find going to a gay club to be boring as hell and repetitive, it's the same stuff over and over and over again.

    PLUS I have to stay up late... I'm an old man damn it I like going to bed at 10pm!

    I think I'd prefer to go do something like rock climbing or go for a swim or scuba dive or hell anything else that gets me up and outta the house into the sun.