Leaving your family

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2010 9:14 AM GMT
    So I'm in Hawaii right now with my parents, day 3 of a week-long trip. Of course, when I go buy a bit of kahlua as a gift for my boyfriend (alcohol is kinda cheap in Hawaii), my mom, before asking what it is, grabs the bag and open it. She then goes off on a tirade, saying, "A drunken fag is not what I wanted for a son," blah blah blah. I told her to STFU and that I'm tired of her bullshit - she was buzzed earlier tonight off of rum and cokes, and I haven't been drunk this trip. She and I have had trouble being around each other for a while, since if I don't live up to every single one of her expectations, I've failed as a son or something like that. I don't know what do to other than leave and not look back. I'd miss my dad but I can't deal with this bullshit from my mom.

    A bit of background; my best friend outed me to my parents back in November of '08. My mom had no idea, I suspect my had suspicions since he took it better. After a month of not talking, my dad invited me back home for Christmas. After being lectured for hours by both of them several days in a row about how being gay is evil (and a choice) and how all gays are backstabbing, diseased drug addicts, Christmas came and things seemed to be getting better. Then my mom, on Christmas night, in a sudden fit likely triggered by her monthly bloodletting, barged into my room and started telling me I was a sinner, a fag, and going to hell. I told her to leave, and she did. A bit later, around midnight, she comes back, even louder, screaming about hell and AIDS and all that. I call her a cunt, get up out of my chair, and confront her.

    Suddenly, she turns around and runs out of my room to the best of her ability (she isn't in good shape) and calls the cops, saying I was intimidating her and that she felt threatened. My dad could hear this and knew I was doing nothing of the sort, but my mom wears the pants in my parents' relationship, so he couldn't do much. The cops came, everyone gave their stories, and the cops basically told my mom to STFU and grow up. My dad took me back to campus, and after a few months, everything seemed to be going better.

    Tonight, she's flipping out again, locking the door to the side of the hotel room she and my dad are staying on, not talking to me, and saying I'm not what she wanted as a child, etc. I'm tired of putting up with her and I'm honestly happier without her most of the time. She thinks she can pay for me to put up with her by buying me clothes, but I'd rather not deal with the stress of having to worry about her next tantrum. She's never met my boyfriend and likely hates him without ever having met him, since she blames him for me being gay, and also makes fun of him every chance she can when she sees me texting him.

    I've found a flight back home that leaves tomorrow morning. Should I go?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2010 9:32 AM GMT
    go, you can keep talking to your father if he's a nice guy.
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    Sep 19, 2010 10:27 AM GMT
    Really sorry to hear this. If not sure about leaving, give it a day for the sake of your Dad. In any event, you and your Mom definitely need to be apart for at least the foreseeable future.
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    Sep 19, 2010 10:32 AM GMT
    And what have you done to ease the situation?
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    Sep 19, 2010 11:09 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidAnd what have you done to ease the situation?


    Avoided my mom since she obviously needs time to cool off.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 19, 2010 11:15 AM GMT
    You have some choices to make here
    You're 21 and not 18 or younger so it's not like you're still very dependent on your family
    If you're in college .... set your sights on that
    Have as little to do with your family as possible but try to keep the ties there
    I know that you're on the outs with them but you'll likely have a different perspective in a few years
    Now this is the hard part
    When you get confronted by your Mom
    Leave
    No talking no discussion
    Don't let her get you angry enough to where you curse her out and say things back
    That only heightens the emotions
    and live your life
    Are you going to be able to bring your BF home for dinner? No
    But since your parents are acting like children you're the one who's going to need to be the adult
    The other choices you have is to cut all ties altogether or continue in this family drama
    The choice is yours to make
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    Sep 19, 2010 11:27 AM GMT
    Fearthefall said
    lilTanker saidAnd what have you done to ease the situation?


    Avoided my mom since she obviously needs time to cool off.

    Well that's useless

    Have you tried to educate your mother? Have you attempted to communicate with her? To let her know she can ask questions and that you will provide answers? Go buy her a book about sexuality.

    You've come out to her though your choice or not she knows now and it's partly your responsibility to help educate her on whist being s homosexual is.

    The easy way is not always the easiest.
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    Sep 19, 2010 11:40 AM GMT
    lilTanker said
    Fearthefall said
    lilTanker saidAnd what have you done to ease the situation?


    Avoided my mom since she obviously needs time to cool off.

    Well that's useless

    Have you tried to educate your mother? Have you attempted to communicate with her? To let her know she can ask questions and that you will provide answers? Go buy her a book about sexuality.

    You've come out to her though your choice or not she knows now and it's partly your responsibility to help educate her on whist being s homosexual is.

    The easy way is not always the easiest.


    I've shown her research, she is very skeptical of it. She has also repeatedly said, "that's not how we raised you," to which I responded, "it has nothing to do with how you raised me, it's just genetic or something, it's how I've always been."
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Sep 19, 2010 11:52 AM GMT
    I would stay and try to enjoy the vacation while avoiding my mom as much as possible. Let your mom see that you're having a good time and that you're not phased by her. When she gets in an argument with you, take the high road and make her feel small by not stooping to her level (i.e. using offensive language).

    Your story was really heartbreaking to read and I hope everything goes well for you.
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    Sep 19, 2010 12:07 PM GMT
    Fearthefall saidI've found a flight back home that leaves tomorrow morning. Should I go?

    Yes. Your mother sounds unstable, as you describe her. Some people react this way when drinking alcohol, and maybe she's also popping prescription pills you don't know about. It's surprising how widespread that is, even among professionals.

    Ordinarily, trying to be calm and engage in reasonable conversation could be good advice, as some have given you here. But the way your mother is acting, it would seem to only enrage her more, another common reaction of some alcoholics when you oppose them. Unfortunately I've had many unpleasant encounters with just this sort of thing. Her actually calling the police, and your father's not being willing or able to intervene also suggests to me that he understands how futile it is to oppose her when she's in that state.

    My first wife's mother actually had to be involuntarily committed to an alcohol treatment ward twice, and she acted just like this. God, if you could have heard the crazy, irrational things she'd say to ME in their house, when I was dating her daughter. But I and her daughter knew to not oppose or inflame her, just let her rant and not allow it to bother us. As her husband would say, "It's the bottle talking."

    If it's not alcohol or some other substance doing this, then your mother may have mental issues. In which case your response should be the same: hold your tongue. You can't win an argument with such a person, you can only make it worse, like when she called the police. Don't let your own anger and frustration cause the situation to escalate. ONE of you has to be the responsible adult, and defuse the situation by refusing to engage on that level.
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    Sep 19, 2010 2:41 PM GMT
    It's great that you have a good relationship with your dad...and I would do everything possible to keep that in good standing.
    Keep as much distance as possible from you mother. Sadly, I doubt that she is going to change very soon... perhaps never. I would suggest treating her with as much civility as you can muster... but avoid any conflict. If she starts one of her tirades... hit the road, and don't say a word.
    Saying ANYTHING derogatory is only going to give her more ammunition...and make her feel that she has won the argument.
    In all honesty, I think she is full of self loathing... I think she might feel that SHE has failed you and her anger is more about HER failing than yours. .
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    Sep 19, 2010 2:58 PM GMT


    SPLIT!
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Sep 19, 2010 3:03 PM GMT
    It's not your job to convince her to be a good mother and love you for who you are. That's just the way it's supposed to be. You don't need to buy her books or show her science papers, you are her son. Period. That's all that should matter.

    I do think you should head home. You're not having a good time, why stay?

    And I hope she comes to her senses. If she doesn't put some serious thought into what she's doing, she's going to lose you forever. I agree with above, remain as civil as possible, if for nothing else than to make her feel some extra pangs of guilt.
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    Sep 19, 2010 3:04 PM GMT
    Fearthefall saidI've found a flight back home that leaves tomorrow morning. Should I go?
    Yes.
  • ITstud77

    Posts: 11

    Sep 19, 2010 3:06 PM GMT
    I would not run away. I think it's better in the long run that you try to cope as best as you can.

    I would not let her get you to the point that you are yelling.

    I probably pleases her that she is getting to you.

    there are basic pych 101 ways to deal with the situation.

    Extinction is the lack of any consequence following a behavior. When a behavior is inconsequential, producing neither favorable nor unfavorable consequences, it will occur with less frequency. When a previously reinforced behavior is no longer reinforced with either positive or negative reinforcement, it leads to a decline in the response.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operant_conditioning#Reinforcement.2C_punishment.2C_and_extinction

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    Sep 19, 2010 3:11 PM GMT
    I would stay and enjoy your vacation as much as you can. I would also have a heart to heart with your dad about the situation, as he seems to be much more rational. You'll need an ally if you ever hope to bring your mom to her senses.

    She's obviously not going to listen to you on the subject of your sexual orientation, but maybe, eventually, she'll listen to her husband.

    Not that you want to say this to her, but as much as she reminds you that she didn't want a son like you, I'm sure you didn't want a mother like her either, but as the saying goes, you can't pick your family.

    Your mother sounds like she really needs some medical help. Her behavior seems to be far enough outside the norm to consider getting her on medication or in therapy.

    Sorry you're having to deal with this kind of drama. It's so unnecessary. I hope the day comes in my lifetime that parents won't give their kids this "you're going to hell" crap just because they're gay.
  • KissTheSky

    Posts: 1981

    Sep 19, 2010 3:17 PM GMT
    I would definitely remove myself from the situation and leave your family -- for now.
    What your mother is doing is emotionally abusive.
    Like some of the other replies recommended, I would limit your contact with her and avoid days-long visits together.
    After you get back to school, it might be worthwhile to sit down and write a calm but sincere letter to your mother about her behavior and how hurtful it is to you. If she's intoxicated when she has her meltdowns, she might not even remember what happened when she wakes up the next day. Maybe your letter could help her change her attitudes and possibly seek therapy/treatment.
    Good luck...
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    Sep 19, 2010 3:19 PM GMT
    What would I do.....I'd leave.
    Quietly, no fanfare or heated arguments. I'd be kind but firm and might go so far as to say that my partner comes before all else. You're all adults here, and being such, expected to understand culpability and accountability for what we say and how we behave. Tell them you love them and say bye bye. You can tell Dad, warmly, that you'll be in touch.

    -Doug
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    Sep 19, 2010 3:23 PM GMT
    Leave, and as you do, hold your hand up claw-like and say these words:

    "Everything you've done to me, I've already done to yourself."

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    Sep 19, 2010 3:23 PM GMT
    Hey!

    Thats really sad that your family doesn't play nice!.... Mine doesn't either..

    I think you should really take charge of the situation first, that is put yourself in control of it, and sit them both down and tell them what your intentions are. This will allow a few different things to happen, if you need to it'll allow you to 'buy time', and it can also maybe make your mother realise that she needs to pull her head in if her own son is considering leaving her out of his life (I mean that in the nicest possible way) It might also make your Dad understand that he needs to step up and maybe help your mother understand that this is serious.... try to not call her a C**t.... Sometimes its hard not to, but really its just unclassy, and un needed, there are much better 'grown up' words to use.

    Perhaps have a chat to your Dad before doing this and see what he says, he might agree with you that this may very well be a better way forward...

    If you do leave, i think you should tell them why first in a calm way, tell them how you really feel and then see how it plays out. Have you tried a councillor or something like that? I was a little skeptical that they'd actually be able to do anything... but i was surprised.. it may work for you! icon_wink.gif

    I hope it gets better for you, losing out on Family is the HARDEST thing.

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    Sep 19, 2010 3:28 PM GMT
    I feel so bad reading about the way your mom treats you. That is just awful. If both she and your dad acted that way, then I would say hop on the next plane out of there without any reservations. Since you still have a decent relationship with your dad, I'd be inclined to try to stay and spend some one on one time with him and minimize the time you spend in the presence of your mom. I'd also let your dad know that you are on the verge of leaving early but want to try to stick it out because you want to spend time with him but if there is another incident with your mom, that you'll have to leave to protect your own emotional well being - and follow up if she starts the bullshit again. Anyhow, that is what I would do.
  • LEOPOLDIVX

    Posts: 64

    Sep 19, 2010 3:30 PM GMT
    No you need to stay. I know this is not what you want but please hear me out then respond


    Your mother as blesed as she is your mother lacks the ability to empathize and understand. She more than likly blames her self for you being gay and rather than understand that genetics and enviorment play the lead roll in sexuality assess the biblical tone on to you and your BF. Forgive your mother. Talk to your father. He does not just wear the skirt in the family he is your mothers lover and friend and should be able to take your side and translate to her your thoughts and feelings.

    You dont have to put up with it but be very clear to your mom when she is sober that you are her son and not her indentured servant. Tell her to treat you as she would wish to be treated. Your not somthing to be thrown out. Your her son. If that is overshadowed by your sexuality, (the smallest thing about you should not overshadow you as a whole) then inform her of your plans to forcibly seperate your self from her and your father to an extent and see if that has an impact.


    Your father and mother love you. However the contempt and hatred should not be the key and lock to there relationship with you. Place all the cards on the table and ask for love and acceptance. If they cant cope with what they should do as human beings then email and telephone with them is as best of an approach as any.

    your parents may feel your abcence and look within themselvs as to how to embrace and love you solving the rift. Your boyfriend should be your rock. You have his family in the event Christmass with yours dosent pan out this year.

    Most inprotantly... Please love your parents. Forgive them in the highest. Live your life for you and the rest will fall into place.


    Sincerely,

    Titular Arch Vicar-Doctor
    LeopoldXVI
    Portland Metropolitan Area

    P.S. If they love to use religion against you then have them talk to me. I can toss love and compasion from the bible right back at them. Hate realy has no place in the heart.
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    Sep 19, 2010 3:35 PM GMT
    You cannot argue this type of situation. You are in a pissing match with your mother and it does nothing to bring a solution to this. Your dad is benign and will not be an ally in this situation, regardless of how you are alone with him; he is intimidated by your mom. Alcohol appears to have some play in your mother's life and that, as we all know, is not a good mix with unstable emotions.

    Your mom sounds somewhat a control freak, either by mental and verbal control over your dad and you, or, especially in your case, by material control, buying you things. Who is paying for college? i would assume your parents, hence your hedging on this very important matter for fear of losing your tuition.

    You are the only one who can change this. Right now, i would leave. Let the situation remain in your parents' court. In the meantime you need to practice your debating techniques. Calling your mother a cunt is both ignorant and inflammatory and does nothing to aid your situation. Take the high road. Look into PHLAG support and talk to the organizations on campus. There are all kinds of free support groups who can guide you thru this in a different way.

    You can lead this or you can be dragged down by it...the choice is yours...Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Sep 19, 2010 3:35 PM GMT
    WOW, I thought my mom was a total cunt when she drinks; lucky for me, both my sisters have failed marriages.
    Yeah, leave.
    Funny how they make it all about them, what you’re doing to them, how you are ruining their life.
    Gee, Mom Bi-polar much?
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    Sep 19, 2010 3:37 PM GMT
    At the risk of getting slammed here......This entire story feels of a trolling bait for attentionicon_rolleyes.gif...but just a "gut feeling"....all the same, If this is "real".....I would ask your dad for his opinion on staying or leaving. Personally I would be on the next flight home...but, see what your dad says first and weigh it in your mind. I would Ignore the ravings of your mother's lunatic mind and simply call the police on her EVERY time she became belligerent, to build a history on her nonsense. Have a camera and record her and take pictures...your phone would be a nice thing to have at the ready.. Mom is MIA...talk to dad regularly and stay on message with him in front of and in spite of mom's wild ravings....Locate a nice psychiatric facility to get her some help. She sounds bipolar, with her monthly cycle magnifying the effects....whatever, she is not all there..Maybe she wants her own "gift bottle" of KAHLUA.....so she can be the "drunken bigot" that is oh so much more desirable than a "drunken fag".. Having the door closed and locked between your rooms, I would think is a blessing instead of a burden. Let her flip out in her own space, behind her own closed door..someone that unstable and adamantly anti gay, I would not give them a window of "free shots" while I was sleeping and unable to defend myself....close the door and lock it for your own personal safety and peace of mind...and well, privacy, do you want to know if mom and dad are "getting busy"? or do you want them to know if you are having a great wet dream or erections? Who knows what would set your mom off...seeing you in bed with wood, under covers, in her mind would be proof of your "illness"...... lock the doors and open them in the AM after you shower and are ready for the crap to start.
    You are 21.....the law says no more a "boy", but a "man". You were outed under a less than optimal situation, where you didn't have any control. water under the bridge...go home to your BF and make use of that KAHLUA and have some fun!..

    Good luck...

    PS....find an RJ member and stay with him for the remaning days in paradise! LOL!