GAY SON Responsibility?!...

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    Sep 19, 2010 4:07 PM GMT
    So this is both a rant & a question; I'm 28 years old. Three months ago I gave up a great loft and moved from San Francisco to Upstate New York to take care of my mother: she is in her seventies, ill, in pain, etc. I am able to work by computer, so at least am able to continue my career. In addition to caring for her (I have a nurse help out a few times a week) I am working, taking care of everything, including most of the household stuff, arranging doctors appointments, making sure she takes her pills, vitamins, eats & gets her protein drinks (her weight lose has at least slowed since I've returned) and basically everything else. My father passed away nearly ten years ago, so there is really no one else to help... Except for me and my older brother....
    My brother is nearly 20yrs older than I am, married, and lives fifteen minutes away, and has called her twice in the last three months. He was also nice enough to stop one day to say hello to her, though he was here at the house for about five minutes and left the engine running in his car...
    I do not expect a metal or super-powers because I am taking care of my mother, I'm even greatful that I was able to move while continuing my career. But I am furious that my brother doesn't seem to concern himself with his dying, miserable mother. My sister-in-law says my brother "doesn't deal with things like this very well." But as far as I can tell, he doesn't deal with anything! Ever! He isn't exactly curing cancer in his everyday life, he isn't even particularly smart, he is also a crappy parent & emotionally stunted. But at some point, wouldn't you think a selfish, self-centered, dense, emotionally retarded man-child might stop and think, "Hey, maybe I should care? Or at least offer to run an errand? Maybe at least take a little time to talk to my mother before she dies??"
    Yes, I'm kind of a bastard, but what do you guys think?
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    Sep 19, 2010 4:15 PM GMT
    15 minutes away and won't help his dying mother? Your brother needs to grow up.
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    Sep 19, 2010 4:22 PM GMT
    same thing here. My brothers 15 minutes away never comes to see our mother. A few months ago I moved an hour away from Atlanta back to Athens to stay with and take care of my mother
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    Sep 19, 2010 4:30 PM GMT
    my ex boyfriend had a mother and a brother just like you. it was annoying for me also and i imagine how it was for him and how it is for you
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    Sep 19, 2010 4:34 PM GMT
    EccentricStud saidYes, I'm kind of a bastard, but what do you guys think?

    I see no evidence of the bastard in you, based on this. Let me share with you some other stories.

    A gay friend of ours just resigned his VP position here in Fort Lauderdale, and is moving back to the Northeast the first part of October, in order to care for his dying father. His married brother, who lives near there, takes no interest in their father. I haven't inquired too closely about our friend's new job prospects, figuring we'll know when he's ready to tell us.

    My own partner took his widowed mother in to live with him, where she stayed for years until she had to enter a nursing home for the last 2 years of her life. His brother and sisters did almost nothing, just show up at family gatherings, but none would take their mother in, nor contribute to her upkeep with him. They did support her in the nursing home, however.

    I think many families view their gay sons & brothers like the old stereotypical image of the maiden aunt, who never marries but stays home to take care of Mama. I had such a maiden aunt myself, the youngest daughter of my grandmother, who stayed home all her life to take care of her aging mother, eventually dying alone, unmarried & childless. The pattern used to be quite common.

    And so we gays are seen as the maiden aunts, who have no "real" lives without wives and children, whose duty is to care for elderly parents. It sorta justifies our existence in the minds of straights, who think of themselves as doing the real work of raising their own families, with no time for Mom or Dad. That's where we gays come in.

    Do you think there's an element of this in your own family? I've seen this so often before, it wouldn't be new. But still, do what you have to do.

    I cared for my own late father during the last 2 months of his life, following a heart attack. With him every day, mostly in his home, providing his meals, doing his errands for him, driving him around when he could go out, just sitting at home and talking with him.

    And it was the best time we ever had together. My father & I were never very close (I'm rarely close to anyone, and I'd been mostly away in the Army for 25 years), but we really got to know each other in his last weeks.

    Yeah, I had to take care of him myself, but I was glad for the opportunity, and I wouldn't trade those last weeks for anything in the world. Maybe you will find a silver lining to your own situation with your mother, and it'll be your brother who'll regret in years to come that he didn't have more time with her.
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    Sep 19, 2010 4:43 PM GMT
    If he is selfish, self-centered, dense and emotionally retarded, you may have to tell him more than a few times that he needs to help out with his mother. Doesn't sound like he's going to figure it out on his own.
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    Sep 19, 2010 4:46 PM GMT
    do what you feel is in your heart and don't worry about your brother, as you said, you're not looking for a medal, don't expect to give out asshole medals to your brother. Carry on doing what you are doing, it's for your mom, not your brother.....Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Sep 19, 2010 4:49 PM GMT

    "But at some point, wouldn't you think a selfish, self-centered, dense, emotionally retarded man-child might stop and think, "Hey, maybe I should care? Or at least offer to run an errand? Maybe at least take a little time to talk to my mother before she dies??"

    Eeek! I wouldn't want someone like that looking after my Mom. I wouldn't sleep nights. Look at it this way, if she recovers, or she passes on, you'll be the one with the inner fountain of self-worth that will slake your thirst when the world is a desert (which it can be now and then).

    -Doug
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    Sep 19, 2010 4:57 PM GMT
    MOM is lucky to have you...she must be very proud of you!
    Your brother is a FUCK HEAD!
    YOU are NOT a "Bastard".....
    Have mom name you as "executor" and then have the will reworked to give FUCK HEAD a very small something to make him know he was purposely cut out for his lack of love, concern and help.....
    LOVE is not about the "easy stuff" it is about the HARD STUFF....it is the choice of your desires and the needs of the other.....it is about care for those that are without any other means....love means you will deal with the things that you would rather not.
    You have certainly earned your crown and a clear conscious...
    I am doing the same thing with my sister...

    I don't think it is a stereotypical trait for the "Gay Son" to be the caregiver to the family, so much as it is a personal trait of being a decent, good and caring person...a few of us also happen to be gay.....

    My best to you.....icon_cool.gif
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    Sep 19, 2010 5:33 PM GMT
    paulflexes said15 minutes away and won't help his dying mother? Your brother needs to grow up.


    I could not agree more...
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    Sep 19, 2010 5:35 PM GMT
    josephga saidsame thing here. My brothers 15 minutes away never comes to see our mother. A few months ago I moved an hour away from Atlanta back to Athens to stay with and take care of my mother


    Sounds like you are in the same boat. Its a weird situation too, because there is love mixed with frustration at all ends... arg.
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    Sep 19, 2010 5:42 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    EccentricStud saidYes, I'm kind of a bastard, but what do you guys think?

    I see no evidence of the bastard in you, based on this. Let me share with you some other stories.

    A gay friend of ours just resigned his VP position here in Fort Lauderdale, and is moving back to the Northeast the first part of October, in order to care for his dying father. His married brother, who lives near there, takes no interest in their father. I haven't inquired too closely about our friend's new job prospects, figuring we'll know when he's ready to tell us.

    My own partner took his widowed mother in to live with him, where she stayed for years until she had to enter a nursing home for the last 2 years of her life. His brother and sisters did almost nothing, just show up at family gatherings, but none would take their mother in, nor contribute to her upkeep with him. They did support her in the nursing home, however.

    I think many families view their gay sons & brothers like the old stereotypical image of the maiden aunt, who never marries but stays home to take care of Mama. I had such a maiden aunt myself, the youngest daughter of my grandmother, who stayed home all her life to take care of her aging mother, eventually dying alone, unmarried & childless. The pattern used to be quite common.

    And so we gays are seen as the maiden aunts, who have no "real" lives without wives and children, whose duty is to care for elderly parents. It sorta justifies our existence in the minds of straights, who think of themselves as doing the real work of raising their own families, with no time for Mom or Dad. That's where we gays come in.

    Do you think there's an element of this in your own family? I've seen this so often before, it wouldn't be new. But still, do what you have to do.

    I cared for my own late father during the last 2 months of his life, following a heart attack. With him every day, mostly in his home, providing his meals, doing his errands for him, driving him around when he could go out, just sitting at home and talking with him.

    And it was the best time we ever had together. My father & I were never very close (I'm rarely close to anyone, and I'd been mostly away in the Army for 25 years), but we really got to know each other in his last weeks.

    Yeah, I had to take care of him myself, but I was glad for the opportunity, and I wouldn't trade those last weeks for anything in the world. Maybe you will find a silver lining to your own situation with your mother, and it'll be your brother who'll regret in years to come that he didn't have more time with her.


    I'd have to say, yes, there is probably an element of the "maiden aunt/confirmed bachelor" mentality, as far as me being gay and taking care of things. I think the perception is that Im gay, not married/no kids, single, sort of career oriented, and must be living a vapid, selfish life, so why should anyone else be bothered when they have "real things" to worry about... Like I said, I am glad to be here with her, doing what Im doing, but there is also resentment because I, theoretically, have an older brother, so I guess I cant help wondering why he isnt like the "older brothers" on the Disney channel...
  • GQjock

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    Sep 19, 2010 5:53 PM GMT
    Yes he's the selfish man-child
    But your delving deep into victimhood here my man

    You want your brother to help?
    Call him up and tell him you need this - this and this by the weekend and to please bring them into the house by such and such date

    You have every right to demand help from him
    He might not "deal" with things well but this is life and life isn't fair

    So give up some of that martyrdom you're wearing and get him over there now
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    Sep 19, 2010 6:13 PM GMT
    I think like rest of the people here - your brother needs to grow up himself, I really doubt there is anything you could do.
    You are a good person.
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    Sep 19, 2010 6:31 PM GMT
    That’s it…get it all out.
    Rip on him some more we are here for you…
    Seriously, I get you; a few weeks ago my sister’s asked me to move in to my parents house and take care of them, using you don’t have a family and you’re both nurses. They even said we could keep my parents house if when they passed on.
    I get so tired of the hetro’s playing the family card: “I would love to help but I have a family to take care of.”
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    Sep 19, 2010 7:57 PM GMT
    GQjock saidYes he's the selfish man-child
    But your delving deep into victimhood here my man

    You want your brother to help?
    Call him up and tell him you need this - this and this by the weekend and to please bring them into the house by such and such date

    You have every right to demand help from him
    He might not "deal" with things well but this is life and life isn't fair

    So give up some of that martyrdom you're wearing and get him over there now


    Thanks!
    In some sense, I agree with you; I am feeling "martyr-ish" and while that is not the kind of person I am, I do admit to shouldering the responsibility. I do resent being the younger brother but needing to be the bigger man, in my opinion.
    If it were just a matter of talking to him, this wouldn't be an issue; from his perspective he has his life and doesn't see why helping his mother might be a consideration. I'm not a victim; I'm the volunteer. But that doesn't mean I can't be malicious & frustrated occassionally..
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    Sep 19, 2010 8:04 PM GMT
    EccentricStud said
    Yes, I'm kind of a bastard, but what do you guys think?


    I think there should be MORE bastards like you in this world, ES!!icon_cool.gif
    Bastards who are willing to take care of someone, to basically give up their happiness and lifestyle to do so.
    You said it best when you said your brother was 'emotionally stunted' and probably will never be as happy as you are----this minor setback aside.

    PS: Your brother is a prick. As is mine. Same boat as you, different family.
    PPS: We gay men are just assumed to be the ones to 'take care of them' since 90% of us do not have children & wives.
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    Sep 19, 2010 8:05 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidThat’s it…get it all out.
    Rip on him some more we are here for you…
    Seriously, I get you; a few weeks ago my sister’s asked me to move in to my parents house and take care of them, using you don’t have a family and you’re both nurses. They even said we could keep my parents house if when they passed on.
    I get so tired of the hetro’s playing the family card: “I would love to help but I have a family to take care of.”


    I totally get where your coming from, and thanks; it's kind of a relief to hear other guys that sympathize with the situation. I feel like killing my brother while all I'm trying to do is care for my last, for all intents & purposes, real relative, so that does factor in.... Admittedly, it doesn't help that I haven't gotten laid since moving either! Frustration plus sexual frustration equals lots of porn & gym time!!!

    And yeah, the Straight/ gay double standard Is dumb; although, let's face it, I believe most of us gays would make better parents than many of the straights, simply because they take procreation for granted.
  • mynyun

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    Sep 20, 2010 10:18 AM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    EccentricStud saidYes, I'm kind of a bastard, but what do you guys think?




    I think many families view their gay sons & brothers like the old stereotypical image of the maiden aunt, who never marries but stays home to take care of Mama. I had such a maiden aunt myself, the youngest daughter of my grandmother, who stayed home all her life to take care of her aging mother, eventually dying alone, unmarried & childless. The pattern used to be quite common.

    And so we gays are seen as the maiden aunts, who have no "real" lives without wives and children, whose duty is to care for elderly parents. It sorta justifies our existence in the minds of straights, who think of themselves as doing the real work of raising their own families, with no time for Mom or Dad. That's where we gays come in.





    This is exactly what I hope to avoid. I work hard to be near my family but not burdened with being the only one to take care of my mother or g.mother and falling into this category. Just because I have no children or even a partner at this stage in my life I won't be the "maiden aunt".
  • GQjock

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    Sep 20, 2010 10:34 AM GMT
    In some sense, I agree with you; I am feeling "martyr-ish" and while that is not the kind of person I am, I do admit to shouldering the responsibility. I do resent being the younger brother but needing to be the bigger man, in my opinion.
    If it were just a matter of talking to him, this wouldn't be an issue; from his perspective he has his life and doesn't see why helping his mother might be a consideration. I'm not a victim; I'm the volunteer. But that doesn't mean I can't be malicious & frustrated occassionally..


    That all being said you need your brother to shoulder some of the burden
    and you do that by making saying No - not an option
    Don't make it a .... you're her son too thing
    Just call him with some very specific things that you need
    that he can do
    like Mom needs her medications picked up at the pharmacy
    or I need you to drop off some milk
    .... and if he tries to weasel out of it
    Talk over him and say we need it by tomorrow or Mom will be out of Meds .... Bye

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    Sep 20, 2010 11:47 AM GMT
    I broke up with my ex because he was that way. He never seemed to show an inkling of change.. Like if he was the only one who could save the world from certain destruction, I wouldn't trust him to be able to do it.

    It's more emotional stress than you should be handling.. to have to deal with your brother on top of your mom. Do what you have to but.. be careful not to get tangled up in more than you need to. Wasting energy on your brother when you could be saving it for your mom.

    Good luck
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    Sep 20, 2010 12:41 PM GMT
    I went through the same thing with my brother when my mother was dying of cancer. He literally lived 5 minutes down the road from her while I took a leave of absence from my job and moved halfway across the state to take care of her. My sister and I alternated this until she passed away. He never once thanked us for stepping up and had the nerve to act liken he had an equal say in her funeral arrangements.

    I've cut him out of my life. I might forgive him eventually, but that doesn't mean I ever want him to be part of my life again. Your brother sounds like a self important selfish prick just like mine.
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    Sep 20, 2010 12:59 PM GMT
    Maybe he is incredibly emotionally immature and unable to assist? "He doesn't do very well with these things" coming from his wife indicates he is underdeveloped with his coping.

    Be thankful you can help your mother and all of the wonderful moments you will have with her. Ultimately he loses out.
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    Sep 20, 2010 1:35 PM GMT
    If your brother is such a loser he better not come close to your ailing mother. I think it is for the best. Your mom knows that you are the one who cared for her in the time she needed help the most. Taking care of parents is tough. At least ask him to share the expenses with you.
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    Sep 20, 2010 1:43 PM GMT
    he will feel terrible for the rest of his life when it's too late to help or be with her.