The (very) thin line between being interested and being an annoying douche.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 19, 2010 4:39 PM GMT
    Very few things in my life get done without me placing considerable thought on them first. This has the terrible side effect of leading me to over analyze and second guess many things that go on in my life, my actions and how they are viewed by others being one of my biggest obstacles (mainly because for some reason my actions are continually misunderstood).

    If I'm interested in a guy I might text him a couple of times and leave it at that, because I feel that if I initiate conversation more times than you, you simply aren't interested or I'm just bothering you. Thats fine I get it and I move on, but then I may see the guy again or he may contact me saying "what happend to you?" and I explain and they may inform me that they were just busy or had a lot going on.

    Am I to quick to assume the worst, or am I right in taking the hint that they aren't interested and when they contact me later its because no one else will talk to them?
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    Sep 19, 2010 4:43 PM GMT
    it's not assuming the worst and i think your game plan is good. If they're too busy, that's their problem. a couple of times is fine, more than that borders on obsession. Just don't be too analytical...sometimes your heart is wiser than your head (either one of them) Keithicon_cool.gif
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    Sep 19, 2010 5:09 PM GMT
    vetteset saidit's not assuming the worst and i think your game plan is good. If they're too busy, that's their problem. a couple of times is fine, more than that borders on obsession. Just don't be too analytical...sometimes your heart is wiser than your head (either one of them) Keithicon_cool.gif


    Lol thanks, I have a rule of if I text you twice in one week to start conversation and you respond but never initiate conversation then I'm just going to leave you alone.

    Or if I ask you to hang out twice in two weeks and even let you know to let me know when is a good time for you but something always comes up, I'm also going to leave you alone.

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    Sep 20, 2010 1:29 PM GMT
    We meet online. A good vibe goings on for a while. I ask to exchange phone numbers. You reply with some lame dumb ass excuse that you can't. You're done. You were all puff and flattery and about having lots of online friends, but you have no substance.

    We meet online. You give me your phone number. I call you. You say you are impressed I made the effort to call (vs texting or email). The conversation goes great. I ask you to call me soon. But you send me an email/text (vs actual calling) with a vague statement like "let's get together". Your done..

    We meet in person. We hit it off and have a great time. You ask for my phone number. I give it to you. Time passes. You never call. We bump into each other again. You are all smiles and excited to see me again. You ask me to call you. You lost my number. Or you have been busy. You're done.

    Get the picture?

    I'm way over the fanfare, the "sincere" wish to meet again, the excitment and the "heartfelt" hope that something develops. None of that matters until he shows me he has the stamina and integrity to follow through. Otherwise it's just blah blah blah.

    Maybe people nowdays measure their popularity, date-ability and social circle by the number of text and emails and "friends" on facebook, but that doesn't work for me. Actual human physical interaction (talking and doing things in person) is better.

    If I am into someone, I make the time. I make the call. I make it happen. If the other guys wimps out and is full of excuses then it wasn't meant to be even though he thinks otherwise and is "shocked" that I'm no longer interested.

    But when a guy has the intelligence and persistence to follow through, then he is a winner. He knows a good thing when he sees it. Quality vs quantity.

    People who whine and complain the most about the lack of quality guys and the dismal opportunities to meet someone are often the ones who lack social graces and the common sense to make it happen. They should take a good look at themselves.

    Pick up the phone. Take a chance. Make a plan. Make the effort. and get creative guys. No pain no gain. Some of us hear this bullshit all the time and are approached by many clowns and are thirsty for somebody who can step up to the plate and be a straight shooter.

    Having a lot of self confidence and self esteem is worthless if you don't know what you are doing. People appreciate respect, common sense, kindess and a little vulnerability. All the bravado you see in the mirror is laughable if you don't care about another person's feelings.

    Rant overicon_confused.gif







  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2010 1:44 PM GMT
    Wow KissingPro...a bit heavy handed, but if it works for you it works for you.

    I think i'll stick to my awkward nerdy thing. I rock the black Michale Cera thing pretty well...maybe..possibly..I mean I'm trying...yea...
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    Sep 20, 2010 1:45 PM GMT
    DoomsDayAlpaca saidWow KissingPro...a bit heavy handed, but if it works for you it works for you.

    I think i'll stick to my awkward nerdy thing. I rock the black Michale Cera thing pretty well...maybe..possibly..I mean I'm trying...yea...


    I feel heavy this morning........icon_biggrin.gif

    Maybe it's becasue just within the past 2 weeks, I've dealt with 4 guys who threw that stuff at me and it's starting to get on my gay nerves.

    Screw em.
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    Sep 20, 2010 3:06 PM GMT
    I'm reading this thread with a lot of interest - this has happened to me twice in the last month. Unfortunately in one case I missed the signals until too late, but in the other - message received.

    My new rule of thumb is - I reply to emails, maybe initiate one or two - but no response for three days=no interest on their part. Nobody is "too busy" to send a one- or two-line email back.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Sep 20, 2010 3:08 PM GMT
    Briefs29 saidNobody is "too busy" to send a one- or two-line email back.



    Exactly! If someone is interested, they will find the time.
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Sep 20, 2010 3:35 PM GMT
    KissingPro saidWe meet online. A good vibe goings on for a while. I ask to exchange phone numbers. You reply with some lame dumb ass excuse that you can't. You're done. You were all puff and flattery and about having lots of online friends, but you have no substance.

    We meet online. You give me your phone number. I call you. You say you are impressed I made the effort to call (vs texting or email). The conversation goes great. I ask you to call me soon. But you send me an email/text (vs actual calling) with a vague statement like "let's get together". Your done..

    We meet in person. We hit it off and have a great time. You ask for my phone number. I give it to you. Time passes. You never call. We bump into each other again. You are all smiles and excited to see me again. You ask me to call you. You lost my number. Or you have been busy. You're done.

    Get the picture?

    I'm way over the fanfare, the "sincere" wish to meet again, the excitment and the "heartfelt" hope that something develops. None of that matters until he shows me he has the stamina and integrity to follow through. Otherwise it's just blah blah blah.

    Maybe people nowdays measure their popularity, date-ability and social circle by the number of text and emails and "friends" on facebook, but that doesn't work for me. Actual human physical interaction (talking and doing things in person) is better.

    If I am into someone, I make the time. I make the call. I make it happen. If the other guys wimps out and is full of excuses then it wasn't meant to be even though he thinks otherwise and is "shocked" that I'm no longer interested.

    But when a guy has the intelligence and persistence to follow through, then he is a winner. He knows a good thing when he sees it. Quality vs quantity.

    People who whine and complain the most about the lack of quality guys and the dismal opportunities to meet someone are often the ones who lack social graces and the common sense to make it happen. They should take a good look at themselves.

    Pick up the phone. Take a chance. Make a plan. Make the effort. and get creative guys. No pain no gain. Some of us hear this bullshit all the time and are approached by many clowns and are thirsty for somebody who can step up to the plate and be a straight shooter.

    Having a lot of self confidence and self esteem is worthless if you don't know what you are doing. People appreciate respect, common sense, kindess and a little vulnerability. All the bravado you see in the mirror is laughable if you don't care about another person's feelings.

    Rant overicon_confused.gif
    It may be a rant but this is so true. My ex became my bf because he made the effort to pursue me and when he said he would do something, he did it. The fact that he followed through was such a turn on when the rest of the guys I was interested in didn't. The one guy I briefly dated this summer did the same thing. It only ended due to his relocating back to Columbus.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2010 4:03 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]Midas426 said.

    The fact that he followed through was such a turn on when the rest of the guys I was interested in didn't. .[/quote]

    BINGO.

    He probably wasn't concerned about appearing desperate, didn't care about the other guys filling his dance card, wasn't concerned about "crowding your space".......and saw something in you that was special and worth the effort.........and was persistant. Most guys give up too easily. All they have to do is be themselves, have a sense of humor and show what they are made of. (SPEAK UP and ACT).

    If you are in the enviable (or unenviable) situation of always being approached by other guys, then you have to develop a few filters as survival techniques and to keep your sanity. Especially if you live in a large city.

    Some guys will quickly call that snobbery and being unaproachable. But the pursuer who is intuative enough to sense chemistry will work through those filters. You will be surprised how quickly those filters vanish when he plays his cards right because the one being pursued surely has his radar on. Then, the persitance and pursuing becomes mutual.

    On the other hand, those filters will stay right in place when there is no chance....no chemistry.........so the pursuer has to pick up on that and move along. It happens to everyone.

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    Sep 20, 2010 4:11 PM GMT
    i am the same way, but on the other hand i find it's kind of... self centered/selfish think that the other person should always initiate things. even after you move on they text you and say 'what happened to you?' instead of initiating anything. to put it another way, how convoluted would it be for me to ask why my friend mark hasn't invited me to lunch in a while, instead of inviting him?

    i don't think you're too quick to assume the worst, unless it's happened like only once, but i assume its a regular/all the time thing. if they werent interested they wouldnt ask why you're not talking to them but i think you should consider whether /you/ are interested. i've known ppl like that and it will never change. some of them like feeling like they're sought after all the time and you'll always be chasing them. some of them are too busy or shy to reciprocate but then do they expect the other person to do everything? some of them arent interested but want to drag me along for a ride. i don't want to be with someone like that, it just makes me feel like they think they're superior and i'm like their pet or something...
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    Sep 20, 2010 4:17 PM GMT
    I LOVE persistant and crazy.
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    Sep 20, 2010 4:29 PM GMT
    DoomsDayAlpaca saidThats fine I get it and I move on, but then I may see the guy again or he may contact me saying "what happend to you?" and I explain and they may inform me that they were just busy or had a lot going on.

    Am I to quick to assume the worst, or am I right in taking the hint that they aren't interested and when they contact me later its because no one else will talk to them?

    Their response may be a bit of guilt & CYA on their behalf. Shifting the responsibility over to you for their own failure to maintain their end of the texting, and avoiding having to offer an awkward explanation that might reveal their actual disinterest, as you suspected.

    Of course that ploy runs the risk of you resuming the texting or other contact, but then they can play the same avoidance game again. It's a dance I've seen at least a few times.
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    Sep 20, 2010 4:31 PM GMT
    I'd have to agree with everything kissingpro said. Most guys will make up every excuse in the book, and as soon as their options run out, thats when you hear from em again.
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Sep 20, 2010 4:55 PM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    Their response may be a bit of guilt & CYA on their behalf. Shifting the responsibility over to you for their own failure to maintain their end of the texting, and avoiding having to offer an awkward explanation that might reveal their actual disinterest, as you suspected.

    Of course that ploy runs the risk of you resuming the texting or other contact, but then they can play the same avoidance game again. It's a dance I've seen at least a few times.
    Yup I've been a victim of that song and dance too many times myself.
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    Sep 20, 2010 4:57 PM GMT
    KissingPro saidWe meet online. A good vibe goings on for a while. I ask to exchange phone numbers. You reply with some lame dumb ass excuse that you can't. You're done. You were all puff and flattery and about having lots of online friends, but toy have no substance.

    We meet online. You give me your phone number. I call you. You say you are impressed I made the effort to call (vs texting or email). The conversation goes great. I ask you to call me soon. But you send me an email/text (vs actual calling) with a vague statement like "let's get together". Your done..

    We meet in person. We hit it off and have a great time. You ask for my phone number. I give it to you. Time passes. You bender call. We bump into each other again. You are all smiles and excited to see me again. You ask me to call you. You lost my number. Or you have been busy. You're done.

    Get the picture?

    I'm way over the fanfare, the "sincere" wish to meet again, the excitment and the "heartfelt" hope that something develops. None of that matters until he shows me he has the stamina and integrity to follow through. Otherwise it's just blah blah blah.

    Maybe people nowdays measure their popularity, date-ability and social circle by the number of text and emails and "friends" on facebook, but that doesn't work for me. Actual human physical interaction (talking and doing things in person) is better.

    If I am into someone, I make the time. I make the call. I make it happen. If the other guys wimps out and is full of excuses then it wasn't meant to be even though he thinks otherwise and is "shocked" that I'm no longer interested.

    But when a guy has the intelligence and persistence to follow through, then he is a winner. He knows a good thing when he sees it. Quality vs quantity.

    People who whine and complain the most about the lack of quality guys and the dismal opportunities to meet someone are often the ones who lack social graces and the common sense to make it happen. They should take a good look at themselves.

    Pick up the phone. Take a chance. Make a plan. Make the effort. and get creative guys. No pain no gain. Some of us hear this bullshit all the time and are approached by many clowns and are thirsty for somebody who can step up to the plate and be a straight shooter.

    Having a lot of self confidence and self esteem is worthless if you don't know what you are doing. People appreciate respect, common sense, kindess and a little vulnerability. All the bravado you see in the mirror is laughable if you don't care about another person's feelings.

    Rant overicon_confused.gif


    This might be one of the smartest things said on here in a long time.




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    Sep 20, 2010 4:59 PM GMT
    Stupid droid making it hard to quote kissingpro lol
  • TristanLane

    Posts: 118

    Sep 20, 2010 5:20 PM GMT
    If someone is interested in you then you know. Not everyone is an honest asshole and will tell you how they really feel to your face.
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    Sep 20, 2010 5:58 PM GMT
    Whoa, lots of interesting Opinions!
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    Sep 20, 2010 6:18 PM GMT
    You know what they say. Sometimes "YOU" are your own worst enemy in matters of the heart.

    People are bound to either do things too quickly or not quick enough. It's really hard to balance it out especially if you base most of the decision off others responses.

    The best thing to do is not take things so personal and to just approach it as casual as you can. In the end, the worst case scenario is that they aren't interested and life goes on. There is no need to make the situation worse by self sabotaging it and blowing it out of proportion by being over analytical and wanting a reason as to why things happened the way they did.

    So someone gets at you a couple days later. They got at you. Better late then never and by wanting to know why so late you set yourself up for failure because it apparently nags you that they did get at you sooner and that's when you start to sabotage yourself by thinking the worst. On the other hand, being too pushy and over contacting someone is down right annoying because you aren't giving them a chance to breathe and that is definitely a mood killer.

    Interests is like a soffelt (I think I spelled it wrong...whatever). If you do it just right it rises with no problem but if you knock it just a little bit then nothing good comes from it.

  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 20, 2010 10:21 PM GMT
    You seem to possess two qualities that have become more and more rare: common sense and consideration of others.