i think i am too competitive, how do i change that

  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Sep 20, 2010 2:25 AM GMT
    Okay so I play volleyball, I grew up with sports when I was a kid, i did soccer for 14 years volleyball for 9 years, gymnastics for 8 years, basketball for 3 years, you get the point....and so I play volleyball, and a lot of people kind of dislike playing with me sometimes because if we lose, I get extremely upset, it's just my dad always put in me this competitive drive, and i pretty much go no mercy at all times in sports...how do i change this extreme competitive-ness. my team just lost to a team that we should have beat in volleyball and i'm like so close to putting my fist in the wall...

    so any helpful tips on being less competitive to a more normal kind of competitive.
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Sep 20, 2010 2:36 AM GMT
    You will just have to find people who take it as seriously as you do.

    You need to learn it's just fun. It's OK to play your best, but then it's over. You get nothing-no fame, no money, just the playtime fun.

    Being an ugly loser is not being competitive, it's just being an ugly loser.
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    Sep 20, 2010 2:52 AM GMT
    Being competitive is a good thing. It'll take you far in life.

    You just need to learn to be a graceful loser as well. Nobody can win all the time, and the really good guys just train harder and learn from their mistakes.
  • DallasCali6Da...

    Posts: 147

    Sep 20, 2010 3:09 AM GMT
    The fact that you are sharing this shows that you may be competitive though aware which to me is a good sign of your character.

    Breaking the cycle of having negative association if you didn't win or score as high as you had hoped too is I believe a healthy thing. For me is not attractive when I meet someone who's competitiveness takes the joy and fun out of the event or situation I'm in.

    Looks like you're on a better path. I would encourage your friends to continue and give you honest feedback with the promise of not reacting to it.

    I'm sure part of your competitiveness manifests into drive and ambition. Which when used for good is a great thing for many involved.

    Good Luck

    ;-)
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    Sep 20, 2010 3:34 AM GMT
    I think being competitive is different from being a poor loser.

    I used to play racquetball with a group of guys. None of us liked each other and the games were very competitive. I enjoyed being a complete poker face, even saying "nice shot", and enjoyed hiding what could have been described as a rage. If I could win in a lopsided contest, I would do it. If I had my way, my opponents would score zero points. It turned out not to be fun because the competition existed with the personal animosities.

    After that group disbanded, I started playing with a guy who played at my level, and the games were very competitive, as competitive as with the other group. The big difference was we liked each other, and as much as we both wanted to win, if either of us lost, it was not the end of the world. The competition was there and I really enjoyed the games.

    Is any of this relevant to the OP? Maybe not, but I would submit it is not the competition, per se, that can be destructive, but the emotions that result from losing. I think what you really need to deal with is not being less competitive, but anger management. There are a lot of books that deal with that.
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    Sep 20, 2010 3:39 AM GMT
    Try some of this:
    weed_plant.jpg
  • mizu5

    Posts: 2599

    Sep 20, 2010 3:41 AM GMT
    Illuz saidTry some of this:
    weed_plant.jpg


    ahaha but not ebfore the game.
  • safety43_mma1...

    Posts: 4251

    Sep 20, 2010 3:43 AM GMT
    i am the same way when it comes to my sports more so football then softball and vball. i just learned that when i am on the field i am that way, off the field it is ok to relax. remember when the game is over then it is over. i know it is easier said then done, with time u will learn how to do it. i wish u all the luck with it, u will do great.
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    Sep 20, 2010 4:42 AM GMT
    you just need anger management. And that doesn't come from anyone else but yourself, you just stop being angry when you catch yourself at it, it's a habit.
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    Sep 20, 2010 4:44 AM GMT
    lol, learn to concede with a sportsmanship dignity.
  • njp729

    Posts: 10

    Sep 20, 2010 4:59 AM GMT
    I agree with the "poker face" comment above. You have to internalize it somehow, and let your frustration improve your game next time.

    Unless the problem is that your team isn't taking it seriously enough...then just switch teams. That's what I'm doing this season ;)
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Sep 20, 2010 5:40 AM GMT
    Thanks for the feedback, it put some things in perspective. I guess it isn't the competition, but I just suck at being a graceful loser. I am very nice to everyone (as i think I am) everyone says they can read my emotions very blatantly, but i really try not to take my rage out on anyone, i just kinda sit and sulk for a bit about how pissed off i am. usually what ends up happening is i do train harder for next time, but i exhaust myself, frustrating myself even more. this hawaiian guy on the team is very chill. like he is an amazing player, very competitive at that, but SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO chill. i wish i was like that. like he really is no worries. but thanks everyone for the feedback keep the advice comin'
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Sep 20, 2010 5:41 AM GMT
    tbakes18 saidOkay so I play volleyball, I grew up with sports when I was a kid, i did soccer for 14 years volleyball for 9 years, gymnastics for 8 years, basketball for 3 years, you get the point....and so I play volleyball, and a lot of people kind of dislike playing with me sometimes because if we lose, I get extremely upset, it's just my dad always put in me this competitive drive, and i pretty much go no mercy at all times in sports...how do i change this extreme competitive-ness. my team just lost to a team that we should have beat in volleyball and i'm like so close to putting my fist in the wall...

    so any helpful tips on being less competitive to a more normal kind of competitive.





    I don't know because I can't understand your attitude.
    I play a game for the fun of playing the game.
    It isn't life and death.
    There isn't some great prize riding on it.
    Maybe you could try to concentrate on enjoying the game.
    Here's an idea.
    Praise your opponents when they win.
    I'm serious.
    Do it every time they beat you.
    Keep practicing until you can sound sincere, and before long you might just be sincere.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2010 9:25 AM GMT
    tbakes18 saidThanks for the feedback, it put some things in perspective. I guess it isn't the competition, but I just suck at being a graceful loser. I am very nice to everyone (as i think I am) everyone says they can read my emotions very blatantly, but i really try not to take my rage out on anyone, i just kinda sit and sulk for a bit about how pissed off i am. usually what ends up happening is i do train harder for next time, but i exhaust myself, frustrating myself even more. this hawaiian guy on the team is very chill. like he is an amazing player, very competitive at that, but SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO chill. i wish i was like that. like he really is no worries. but thanks everyone for the feedback keep the advice comin'

    You can be like the Hawaiian guy. Make the decision and go to Barnes & Noble, look through the books on anger management, get one and read it.
  • mynyun

    Posts: 1346

    Sep 20, 2010 10:42 AM GMT
    I'm competitive with everything I do. If I don't have someone to compete with then it takes all the fun out of it for me. I lose interest. The only one to have kept up with my competitive streak was an ex girl friend. We each gave as good as we got and never gave in.
    I'm talking about things like chess, drawing/art, wrestling, knowledge from stuff we read, games, sports, etc etc....

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    Sep 20, 2010 10:55 AM GMT
    tbakes18 saidOkay so I play volleyball, I grew up with sports when I was a kid, i did soccer for 14 years volleyball for 9 years, gymnastics for 8 years, basketball for 3 years, you get the point....and so I play volleyball, and a lot of people kind of dislike playing with me sometimes because if we lose, I get extremely upset, it's just my dad always put in me this competitive drive, and i pretty much go no mercy at all times in sports...how do i change this extreme competitive-ness. my team just lost to a team that we should have beat in volleyball and i'm like so close to putting my fist in the wall...

    so any helpful tips on being less competitive to a more normal kind of competitive.


    no man, you can't help it. you will stay as competitive forever. what you need to learn is to control your anger and frustrations.
    you should stop concentrating on others and go with the flow.
    use a Chinese saying: "Act without thinking". It always works for me.

    If you think too much and concentrate on the mistakes you will only get frustrated and eventually lose.

    Being competitive is the best thing for an athlete, not knowing how to take a defeat is the worst thing and that seems to be your problem. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2010 11:25 AM GMT
    Winning matters, and anyone who says it doesn't is a loser.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2010 11:46 AM GMT
    just get yourself into a cut throat executive job. You fit right in icon_twisted.gif
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Sep 20, 2010 12:12 PM GMT
    I'm the same way, only with boardgames.

    I can suck the fun out of Catchphrase immediately.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Sep 20, 2010 12:15 PM GMT
    Maybe doing individual pursuits would be a way of avoiding being a sore loser. Go mountain biking or running for the sheer enjoyment of it, for instance. There is no score to keep, nor are there teammates to blame.
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    Sep 20, 2010 12:16 PM GMT
    jlly_rnchr saidI'm the same way, only with boardgames.

    I can suck the fun out of Catchphrase immediately.



    Ooooh, I wouldn't like you
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Sep 20, 2010 12:24 PM GMT
    TheIStrat said
    jlly_rnchr saidI'm the same way, only with boardgames.

    I can suck the fun out of Catchphrase immediately.



    Ooooh, I wouldn't like you

    I can't help being awesome at it. But I admit I'm a little aggressive with it. Fist bumps and high-fives were never my thing....unless playing a board game.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2010 12:29 PM GMT
    jlly_rnchr said
    TheIStrat said
    jlly_rnchr saidI'm the same way, only with boardgames.

    I can suck the fun out of Catchphrase immediately.



    Ooooh, I wouldn't like you

    I can't help being awesome at it. But I admit I'm a little aggressive with it. Fist bumps and high-fives were never my thing....unless playing a board game.


    Thgought people say I take all the fun out of Scrabble when I put down those 7 letter words
  • tbeaux

    Posts: 419

    Sep 20, 2010 12:37 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidTo get to the root of your feelings when you lose you should figure out why you have those feelings and where they came from. Then work to undo that belief or, how I like to call it, "program" and let that part of you go. Meaning, you are running a program sort of like a computer to respond a certain way when you do not win. You can undo that part of yourself if you get to root of why you feel violent and want to put your fist through a wall.


    I don't think any feelings of sucking are behind it or whatever else, I don't know. All I know is I don't like to lose certain games. There will be games that I will gladly tip my hat off to, the people are that good, but this game was just, no clue how we lost, and that is what pisses me off the most. Ah the feeling behind it...I don't like loosing to shitty teams; and my team is not shitty we have some cali boys (i.e. like me) hawaiian guy, and a lot of great players from H P volleyball club in St. Louis.
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    Sep 20, 2010 12:58 PM GMT
    tbakes18 saidOkay so I play volleyball, I grew up with sports when I was a kid, i did soccer for 14 years volleyball for 9 years, gymnastics for 8 years, basketball for 3 years, you get the point....and so I play volleyball, and a lot of people kind of dislike playing with me sometimes because if we lose, I get extremely upset, it's just my dad always put in me this competitive drive, and i pretty much go no mercy at all times in sports...how do i change this extreme competitive-ness. my team just lost to a team that we should have beat in volleyball and i'm like so close to putting my fist in the wall...

    so any helpful tips on being less competitive to a more normal kind of competitive.


    Tim,

    Thank you for asking everyone's opinion on this topic. All of us are competitive in various parts of our lives (personally, financially, athletically, etc.) Since you draw awareness to this issue, you may need to take a step back and review yourself in slow motion. What is the mental difference between you on the field and off the field? How does you mind think? What process do you develop to achieve each goal and how does it affect you after the game? Did something go wrong, if so what? I ask these questions because I'm am relaxed and down to earth guy in all areas except in my professional environment. Growing up with an entrepreneur, I believe in one thing: production and achieving goals. Unfortunately, not everyone views work life comparatively; therefore, I adjusted my thought process and focused on each step of the process. What do I have to do to achieve each step of my goal? How do I open my communication to others to assist or facilitate? How should I react at the end if a deadline is not met? Similar process for you. How do you communicate? What is your process? How do you react when you lose? Why? When you figure out each step of the process, you will begin figuring out each step of your thought process and why you react.

    Changing is a habitual process, but learning to focus your energy toward each step will help you deal with the results. If you win, great, if not, no big deal. Have a beer and congratulate the team.

    Mike