Being gay and people using it as blackmail

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2010 5:21 AM GMT
    i think its pretty e'ffed up especially if its from a family member.

    My sister and I were just joking around about my moms new boyfriend and my mom walks in and was like, "are you guys talking about me?" of course my sister and I say no, but thats when my mom looks at me and was like, "want me to have a little discussion with them?" like she was saying stop talking crap about my boyfriend or ill out to your sister. I just think that as my mother she shouldn't use my weakness of not being out to other than her and a few friends as blackmail.
    EDIT *I guess I should have added this before but the situation with my mom is that she's seeing this guy while she's still married to my dad. I'm not sure if you would call it cheating considering that they are in the process of getting a divorce. Which is why I feel so negatively towards this guy my mom is seeing.*
    Have any of you ever had this experience or dealt with this before?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2010 5:25 AM GMT
    What a bitch.

    But you shouldn't make fun of your mother's new boyfriend. At least not yet.... icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2010 5:45 AM GMT
    Come out to your sister.

    She was being a bitch. But you know, you were also being a bitch. Maybe she was actually blackmailing you. Maybe she was just asking you to not to be such an asshole and reminding you that you are not perfect either.

    But either way, come out to your freakin' sister already.
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    Sep 20, 2010 6:27 AM GMT
    i know i need to come out to my sister im just freaked out that she'll stigmatize me for it ya know.
  • Kev67

    Posts: 60

    Sep 20, 2010 6:36 AM GMT
    Agree, it's time to come out to your sister. It can be messy if some family members know and others don't... your Mom has to keep a secret that she might feel uncomfortable keeping, and your sister will probably feel betrayed if she's left in the dark too long (at least if she's anything like my sisters). Otherwise this could get dysfunctional and resentful very fast.

    I remember coming out to my sisters and how scary it was. It's like jumping into a cold pool... the anticipation is sometimes the worst part, but then you just need to take the leap and get used to the water. Corny I know, but you gotta do something to get your courage up.

    My two sisters were both OK. One went to a PFLAG meeting because she wanted to be able to talk with others, and she ended up being involved in the chapter for quite a while. Your sister might surprise you!
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    Sep 20, 2010 6:44 AM GMT
    Standardsocal saidi know i need to come out to my sister im just freaked out that she'll stigmatize me for it ya know.


    Do me a favor, listen to straight people. Seriosuly. Pay attention to the little conversations you have with straight people throughout the day. They talk about their wives, their kids, their in-laws, their girlfriends, the date they went on the "tight slizz" they banged that weekend.

    Straight people can't stop talking about their sexual and romantic adventures. You being mute on this topic looks really weird to people that have regular conversation with you. They assume you are either in the closet or are into really fucked up shit.

    Come out to her. If she acts weird, give her time to adjust and be there for her to reassure her you are the same StandardSocial you have always been.

    At the very least it will give you more opportunity to talk shit about your mom's boyfriend. icon_wink.gif
  • swimr

    Posts: 19

    Sep 20, 2010 12:36 PM GMT
    Come out to your sister when you're ready to come out to your sister, and not before. No one knows your family dynamic better than you do. Sometimes coming out or being outed to a family member can have negative consequences, and only you can best decide if it's the right time to share that information. It does make things more complicated to have to hide it though.

    It totally sucks having a family member use the knowledge of your sexuality as something they can blackmail you about. I'm speaking from having this happen to me, but finally I decided I wasn't going to be blackmailed anymore and was outed. There were negative consequences that remain more than six years later (some of my family members have religious views that apparently justify bigotry).. But maybe it was just an offhand comment from your mom that she regrets. You should consider mentioning it to your mom, how her comment made you feel (and perhaps apologize to her about the impact of her hearing comments about her boyfriend that you hadn't intended for her to hear and that had no malicious intent). Being supportive of each other would be a better situation for everyone.
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    Sep 20, 2010 12:50 PM GMT
    Blackmailer's only have as much power if that you give them, take away the power..ie, come out to your sister and they have nothing! It doesn't help your case that you were bashing your mom and her boyfriend. That display a lack of respect and in her house no less.
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    Sep 20, 2010 1:14 PM GMT
    Standardsocal saidi know i need to come out to my sister im just freaked out that she'll stigmatize me for it ya know.
    Why.. the issue would be HERS.. quit owning that fear!
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    Sep 20, 2010 3:01 PM GMT
    Your mom was way out of pocket. Diffuse the situation by coming out (your sister) to everyone, remove the ammunition from the gun. It isn't wrong to be Gay, and there is no reason to be ashamed. But using it against someone else who is insecure about it, is shameful.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Sep 20, 2010 3:06 PM GMT
    Standardsocal saidi know i need to come out to my sister im just freaked out that she'll stigmatize me for it ya know.


    I'd put my money on the likelihood that your sister probably senses it already. She might surprise you. The revelation may bring you both even closer.
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    Sep 20, 2010 3:12 PM GMT
    Sorry I misread the OP's topic. Coming out young is easier than coming out late. Diffuse it, your sister will probably embrace you more than your mother has.
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    Sep 20, 2010 3:12 PM GMT
    Standardsocal saidi think its pretty e'ffed up especially if its from a family member.

    My sister and I were just joking around about my moms new boyfriend and my mom walks in and was like, "are you guys talking about me?" of course my sister and I say no, but thats when my mom looks at me and was like, "want me to have a little discussion with them?" like she was saying stop talking crap about my boyfriend or ill out to your sister. I just think that as my mother she shouldn't use my weakness of not being out to other than her and a few friends as blackmail.

    Have any of you ever had this experience or dealt with this before?


    Being gay is only a problem if you make it one / let it be one. The first defense is being out, and honest. If you go to get a security clearance, and are a closet case, you'll be denied because you ARE a risk (you're in hiding, fear, and are blackmailable), but, if you are gay and out you won't lose the security clearance for being a honest man. Dishonesty almost always is never a trait that one should have, especially with something as very basic as sexual preference.

    I choose NOT to deal with closet cases because they carry around self-inflicted drama, and can't be trusted. I mean, think about it, they can't be honest about their sexuality; you sure can't expect them to be decent and honest about other stuff.

    The way to handle your sister's boyfriend is to be a real boy. Confront the idiot, and tell him, "Hey man, I understand you have a problem with me being gay. Well, I am, and that's the way it is, and I wouldn't think it'd be important to you unless you like me more than my sister. It'd be cool if you would be cool to me, and my family." It's just that very simple. You don't need Mommy Dearest to talk with him; you don't need your sister to talk to him. YOU go talk to him, and let him know he's not being cool, but, also that even if he wants to put you down, it's not going to change the fact you're gay. With any luck, and this is usually the way it goes, he's realize he was an asshole and apologize all over his self and respect you for being a Real Boy.

    A MUCH better way to have handled it was to tell him you're gay, and say, "Hey, if you know any gay guys you think might like me, hook me up."

    Time to grow up, be honest, and begin handling your own affairs. Mommy Dearest won't always be there to protect you Little One.

    I very much more respect a man who will look a challenge in the eye, walk into, above, and beyond it, with his head held high, than a cowering pussy, any day of the week. I'm sure many other folks would hold a similar view to my own. You will only remain weak if you allow your self to be. Now is the time to take charge, get honest, and step up with some courage and integrity: it's a much simple plan that will make you much happier. Ditch the weakness: you'll be the better off for it; you'll be respectable.
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    Sep 20, 2010 3:31 PM GMT
    Make a plan and do it…
    I recently had a long conversation with my sister; we were like twins growing up, because our family moved around a lot we were each other’s best friend.
    She was the last one I came out to.
    Of course she had known all along and had never asked. I guess her opinion of me was the most cherished.
    Hind sight being 20/20; if she had rejected me I wouldn’t have been able to take it.
    Turns out she didn’t care I was gay; she was mostly upset that I couldn’t talk to her about it and how she felt betrayed by my silence… “I told you everything…you lied to me about everything.”
    How sad it is that I could have had the closest of friends to talk to about the confused feeling I was having while figuring out who and what I was.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2010 3:52 PM GMT
    lol, your Mom was pissed and likely hurt that you two would slag her BF, who she obviously loves. She simply presented you with the fact that she could do the same about your romantic inclinations, but didn't.



    She made a good point; respect should be mutual. The least you and Sis could do is have the conversation outside of home. Discretion can be a good thing.

    -Doug
  • KepaArg

    Posts: 1721

    Sep 20, 2010 3:58 PM GMT
    Standardsocal saidi think its pretty e'ffed up especially if its from a family member.

    My sister and I were just joking around about my moms new boyfriend and my mom walks in and was like, "are you guys talking about me?" of course my sister and I say no, but thats when my mom looks at me and was like, "want me to have a little discussion with them?" like she was saying stop talking crap about my boyfriend or ill out to your sister. I just think that as my mother she shouldn't use my weakness of not being out to other than her and a few friends as blackmail.

    Have any of you ever had this experience or dealt with this before?


    That is fucked up, and it's your mom. I have never been blackmailed about my sexuality, especially from my own flesh and blood. I am guility of making fun (jokingly) of my mom's boyfriend, but even she sometimes chimed in and never caused a rift and they are still happily together til this day.

    You need to talk to her one on one about this.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Sep 20, 2010 5:17 PM GMT
    That's repugnant behavior from your mother. It looks like you made a poor choice in trusting her. And you should probably tell her so, even if she does out you. Why would you go to her for anything else important? She just totally undercut you. If anyone did that to me, let alone my parent, it would push me away from them. I don't tolerate behavior like that from friends let alone family.
  • TristanLane

    Posts: 118

    Sep 20, 2010 5:23 PM GMT
    Your mom sounds like a shady bitch. Why would you tell her and not your sister? and most likely your sister already knows.
  • awayfromtheci...

    Posts: 154

    Sep 20, 2010 5:28 PM GMT
    EricLA saidThat's repugnant behavior from your mother. It looks like you made a poor choice in trusting her. And you should probably tell her so, even if she does out you. Why would you go to her for anything else important? She just totally undercut you. If anyone did that to me, let alone my parent, it would push me away from them. I don't tolerate behavior like that from friends let alone family.


    What Eric Said! And...if you are ok with you, others will be ok with you. The longer you wait with your sister, the more power you give to your mother. If you can tell crazy, then maybe try telling sis.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2010 6:36 PM GMT
    Wait a minute the mom is getting a bum rap here. He enever said that his mother would actually do that. This is his paraniod take on the situation.

    All of you guys or giving this woman a trial by FIRE! It was Queeny for him to talk about his mom's boy-freind in her house! Then you get man that she calls you out please GROW A PAIR DUDE!
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Sep 20, 2010 6:41 PM GMT
    Ducky46 saidWait a minute the mom is getting a bum rap here. He enever said that his mother would actually do that. This is his paraniod take on the situation.

    All of you guys or giving this woman a trial by FIRE! It was Queeny for him to talk about his mom's boy-freind in her house! Then you get man that she calls you out please GROW A PAIR DUDE!


    True, we weren't there, so we are relying on his interpretation here. But that's what all these threads are.

    As for talking about the boyfriend in her house, it sounds like the mother was the overly sensitive one. But whether his mom would have actually outed him to his sister or not is beside the point. The threat to out is what he's talking about, hence the title about being blackmailed. The fact she's holding it over him is low class to say the least.
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    Sep 20, 2010 6:47 PM GMT
    Wait. Why do you consider being gay a weakness? Your mom is using your sexuality as blackmail because you are allowing her to. She has no power over you unless you give it to her which clearly you did. This problem is easily solved by you just coming out of the closet and coming clean.

    If you think that's blackmail just wait to you enter the work force and have to deal with some bitter asshole of a company that is homophobic that could very easily fire you because of sexuality, which is pretty fucked up.

    You told your mom already so keep pulling that trigger til you've emptied it out that clip and everyone has it shot in their head that you are gay. A mother with a secret about her own child and using it as leverage against her own child. WOW! The scandal.

    That's wrong for the mom to do. So what if the kids are talking about her BF. That's all he is. A BF. Better for her kids to talk smack about him then say her friends or people who aren't ever gonna deal with him. The fact that they are talking about him (no one said if it was negative or positive talk) is natural since this dude is banging their mom. They've got 1st class access to that right to talk shit.
  • mizu5

    Posts: 2599

    Sep 20, 2010 6:59 PM GMT
    Ducky46 saidWait a minute the mom is getting a bum rap here. He enever said that his mother would actually do that. This is his paraniod take on the situation.

    All of you guys or giving this woman a trial by FIRE! It was Queeny for him to talk about his mom's boy-freind in her house! Then you get man that she calls you out please GROW A PAIR DUDE!
    it's human nature to discuss other people and their relationships, especially when they change your own. Such as his mother having a boyfriend.

    I don't think it was "QUEENY" Maybe... less than sensitive, but not queeny. it's a natural thing to do. It far less appropriate for his mother to use his being gay as a threat.

    Though he can diffuse the situation himself, by coming out. please not, tis' really jsut the word queeny I dislike.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2010 7:43 PM GMT
    Mizu5-

    It is what it is. Pendora Open up that box. When his mother got him together on come on this site, which is a pit for women and mom bashing. The claim that his mother threaten to out him to his sister inwhich clearly that is not what she said. (according to what he posted) Please give me a break.

    He and his sister are having a coffee clutching session about the mom's bf, in her house within ear shot...COME ON NOW! That is just beyond rude and disrespectful! Who does that?

    I can only wonder how his mother would feel, if she had any idea of is being said about her. WOW!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2010 8:46 PM GMT
    Im kind of in the same situation.. but this dude is a creep. He said either I let him eat my ass and suck my dick or hes gonna out me. No way am I going to lose my dignity though. icon_eek.gif